He's gone away without his phone-really?

[Miss81]

Hi all

Looking for some advice here. I've been with my boyfriend (don't even know if he's that at their point) for just over a year. We started seeing each other soon after he finished with his long term ex (seven year and mother of his 3 year old daughter) and I found out in Feb this year that he has cheated on me with her (I had my suspicions at the time and he constantly denied them). I took him back and then lockdown happened and at first we were ok but he struggles with depression and we split.
His ex wants him back and he spends a lot of time there as he struggles being away from his daughter.

So...we just got back together and he has just gone away for the week and on the night before he goes away he tells me he isn't taking his phone (he is selling his house and wants a break from the calls and stress) with him as he wants quality time with his little girl, he loves me and he can't wait to see me when he gets back.

I'm suspicious, who goes on holiday without a phone? Surely that's dangerous.

So he is either with his ex, or cares so little for me he can't take his phone and send me a text .

What do you think?

Why would you still have to see him once a week?

Ah.. sir.. you work with him.

Sir = sorry

oh right ok, probably best @Miss81, what did you say to him? i imagine youve been really direct and theres no way for him to misinterpret it.

@PasstheBucket89

oh right ok, probably best *@Miss81*, what did you say to him? i imagine youve been really direct and theres no way for him to misinterpret it.

Told him the phone thing was completely unbelievable, that he's a complete liar and that this was his very last shit with me and I wasn't dealing with it anymore.

Told him I didn't deserve the lies and that he should not bother contacting me again.

@Emmelina

Nobody goes on holiday alone with their child/ren without a means of contacting the emergency services or for the other parent to check in. He’s clearly with his ex too, and “no phone” because he doesn’t want you calling and blowing the cover. If she knows about you, she’s been told you’re over.

Completely agree!

@Jo0070

I don't think the ex is the issue here - I dont think he actually wants either of you.

He wants his child a sure thing.

He doesn't want his ex else he would be with her without a shadow.

If he wanted you he would be making sure that you felt secure before he left, he'd take his phone and make sure that he could talk to you whilst away - because he'd know he was going to miss you.

Whether he has taken his phone or left it at home - he's hiding a message behind it - which basically says 'I don't want to chat to you whilst I'm away'

Thing is - you're not the issue here - he is. He is screwed up. He doesn't know what love is. To tell you he loves you, yet will not be speaking to you whilst he is having a relaxing break - that is someone who is screwed up.

Do one better - bin him, and get someone better. Someone who treats you how you deserve.

In fact, if he ever does try and get hold of you again, tell him "I'm not interested, I deserve to be treated better"

You do realise you deserve better right?

We attract what we put up with - get rid so you have room in your life to meet someone else

I completely agree. I was speaking to someone about this the other day and I said even if he's not with his ex the fact he can cut me off for a week speaks volumes.

You guys have all been great though as it just all backs up what I thought myself and I don't regret texting and dumping him now.

Yay, we’ll done OP! Another strong woman kicking a loser to touch! There’s been a few of these recently. It’s really inspiring.

🎊🎉💐🥳🥂

@ilikemethewayiam

Yay, we’ll done OP! Another strong woman kicking a loser to touch! There’s been a few of these recently. It’s really inspiring.

🎊🎉💐🥳🥂

Thank you

Better to be miserable of my own making than letting someone else make me miserable!!

Well done, I'm sure we're all proud of you for telling him straight, but even more so of 'you' for recognising that you absolutely do deserve to be treated with respect, and that you won't settle for less.

If it starts niggling you that 'you pushed him away because you dumped him' and you start wondering if you made a mistake by reading the signs wrong, then come on here and read all these messages, as a reminder that he pushed you away and he should have treated you better.

@Jo0070

Well done, I'm sure we're all proud of you for telling him straight, but even more so of 'you' for recognising that you absolutely do deserve to be treated with respect, and that you won't settle for less.

If it starts niggling you that 'you pushed him away because you dumped him' and you start wondering if you made a mistake by reading the signs wrong, then come on here and read all these messages, as a reminder that he pushed you away and he should have treated you better.

Thank you

More than anything I'm mortified of my own behaviour to be honest.

I'm old enough to know better. I guess to put it into context I had an extremely abusive relationship before this one with the father of my son. I think I was just feeling vulnerable and ended up mentally abused rather than physically this time.

Third ones a charm hopefully...or I'll opt for cats.

Life's full of different personalities, who we let in makes a big difference to our life. Sometimes we let people in, then we look back and wonder "what the heck! Why did I allow myself to get so close?" But then I guess at the time it was the right thing to do.
Maybe we have let people in to our circle because we'd never come across that type of person before, or maybe we really liked other things about them.
Either way, until we're given a crystal ball, life has to be about learning; taking stock; and then using that knowledge when we across similar people like that again - and freaking turning away and running like a whippet when we sniff somebody is a cunt :-)

I've met some cunts in my time.

We all have.

Life would be pretty boring if we go from A --> B plain sailing - but a darn site easier though for sure. :-)

@Jo0070

Life's full of different personalities, who we let in makes a big difference to our life. Sometimes we let people in, then we look back and wonder "what the heck! Why did I allow myself to get so close?" But then I guess at the time it was the right thing to do. Maybe we have let people in to our circle because we'd never come across that type of person before, or maybe we really liked other things about them. Either way, until we're given a crystal ball, life has to be about learning; taking stock; and then using that knowledge when we across similar people like that again - and freaking turning away and running like a whippet when we sniff somebody is a cunt :-)

I've met some cunts in my time.

We all have.

Life would be pretty boring if we go from A --> B plain sailing - but a darn site easier though for sure. :-)

That's a lovely way to look at it, thank you

Not sure if anyone is still reading this (or bothered 🤣) but he's back and has started messaging me again.

Apparently it's been the loneliest week of his life without me and he will never not talk to me again. What crap.

You'll be glad to know the messages have been well and truly ignored.

Before you say block him I can't we work together so I can't block the number.

Men like this are so predictable aren't they. Never reply to him again.

Ugh! How predictable! He’s hoping to break you down by bombarding you with messages, telling you you’re the only one who understands him, blah blah blah. Stay strong OP. Keep rereading this thread. Nothing would change. You are worth so much more than the occasional scraps he throws your way.

So so predictable. How sad that he thinks he can dismiss you like that, then click his fingers and expect you to go back to him.

Don't judge him by his words, but by his action; cutting off contact from you whilst on holiday is proof he has no vested interest in you. Do not be fooled by his manipulation.

His plans never worked the way he hoped - maybe the girl he has been chatting to hasn't shown him enough interest to boost his ego. Either way, you are his back-up plan. The problem with back up plans is they're second best and do us for now, until what we really want is available to us.

If you were high on his agenda, he would have WANTED to have had contact with you - he wouldn't have needed to have distance from you.

If you meant something to him, you would absolutely NOT have to second guess his feelings for you, because he would make sure you felt like a princess, and that you are a priority in his life.

I'm not even sure I would ignore him, because by ignoring him it's probably on your mind that you're ignoring him and it could cause tension at work. If it was me, I would text back and have a straight conversation, no game playing, and using no emotion - so something like:
"Hi hope you're ok. Hope you both had a lovely holiday. I'm not sure how to say this, but I guess being straight is best. I think you're a lovely guy, but whilst you were away it's given me time to think about what I want, and I've realised that you're not what I'm looking for.

I hope this doesn't cause any awkwardness between us at work - it definitely won't on my part. There's no need to reply to this message as I'm not going to change my mind, but just felt it was best to be straight with you.

Take care x"

It does a few things that message: It gives you closure; it's friendly so helps awkwardness at work, it shows that you value yourself; and you get to walk away with your dignity in tact. It basically says 'sod-off I'm not singing to your tune, I value myself much more than you do.

@Jo0070 this is a great message, I would send this also.

Sorry it’s not a great message it’s bumbling and too deferential. Don’t send that
He’s not a lovely guy,he’s a shagger. A liar. Grade A geezer. Who has 2 women on the go
Because they’re work colleagues op needs to be cordial. That’s all.Nothing else

@Jo0070 I’m not having a go personally
Your message it’s too placatory and passive, he’s not lovely he should not be told so
Nothing in his behaviour is lovely
Women are socialised to be nice,in behaviour and things we say and do. don’t make waves. Don’t make a fuss.
The whole tone of the message is placatory and falsely flatters him
Why?

Something more along the lines of "It's all too complicated for me. Let's just leave it as it is and revert back to being just colleagues."

Purely on the phone issue and nothing else - I am in my 30s and I go on holiday and weekends away without my phone.

So it didn’t go as well as he hoped with the ex then. I am late to this one but he definitely went without the phone so he could avoid interruptions from you, as mentioned by posters last week.

Good on you for ignoring him. If you want to clear the air because of work, I would maybe send something very bland about having decided the relationship is not for you. I don’t think I would tell him that he is a lovely guy though.

@SentientAndCognisant

He is totally giving you the bounce,flagging up he’ll be uncontactable Hes uncontactable because he can’t be bothered talking to you He’s clearly not wanting interrupted, and likely busy with the ex and his daughter

This.

He's wasting your time.

You’re going to have to speak to him at some point given that you work with him so I guess you need to formulate something to say to him when you do. In good old MN terms something along the lines of ‘it doesn’t work for me, thanks but no thanks’