He's gone away without his phone-really?

[Miss81]

Hi all

Looking for some advice here. I've been with my boyfriend (don't even know if he's that at their point) for just over a year. We started seeing each other soon after he finished with his long term ex (seven year and mother of his 3 year old daughter) and I found out in Feb this year that he has cheated on me with her (I had my suspicions at the time and he constantly denied them). I took him back and then lockdown happened and at first we were ok but he struggles with depression and we split.
His ex wants him back and he spends a lot of time there as he struggles being away from his daughter.

So...we just got back together and he has just gone away for the week and on the night before he goes away he tells me he isn't taking his phone (he is selling his house and wants a break from the calls and stress) with him as he wants quality time with his little girl, he loves me and he can't wait to see me when he gets back.

I'm suspicious, who goes on holiday without a phone? Surely that's dangerous.

So he is either with his ex, or cares so little for me he can't take his phone and send me a text .

What do you think?

Good on you, Miss81, you've done the right thing.
Does he have dodgy teeth? If so, he'd have been perfect for Jeremy Kyle.
Narrow escape.
You can do better.

It’s not uncommon for the younger folk to have two mobiles or SIM cards on the go and I suspect him leaving the one with you that you have to number to, is more for your sake than his and is a “show”.

But you have dealt to him now so time to move on and busy yourself so you are unavailable if he worms his way back....

@expat101

It’s not uncommon for the younger folk to have two mobiles or SIM cards on the go and I suspect him leaving the one with you that you have to number to, is more for your sake than his and is a “show”.

But you have dealt to him now so time to move on and busy yourself so you are unavailable if he worms his way back....

Sounds daft but I guess I'm shocked anyone can be so out and out deceitful.

I'd never ever treat anyone or hurt anyone like that. I couldn't live with myself.

I just don't understand why he made such a big deal of getting back together to bugger off again. Would have been easier just to stay apart till after he came back, would have made it look far less weird.

I'll never understand him. And now I don't have to.

He wants his cake and eat it

I started a relationship with a guy that had been out of his marriage for a year. He had 2 DS that he saw regularly. His marriage broke down due to her serial infidelity, she had moved in with a new partner.
We were together about 3 months when she started sending him love letters and needing to see him urgently and I really didn’t think I had anything to worry about, until she called me and told me they had slept together. He admitted it straight away and I ended things. Like this man you’re talking about, he hated being away from his children, never wanted to live apart from them. He moved back into the family home. A day later he was at my home begging me to reconsider, he had left their marital home again, because he had spent the night regretting going back, because he didn’t want the relationship with her, just wanted to be with his children. We spent weeks talking and decided to give it another go, it wasn’t easy, the ex pulled all kind of stunts, sending people to my door to tell me he wasn’t at work, he was with her, ringing the house phone to tell me of conversations they had had about reconciliation, even stopping the divorce and they were effectively reconciled. He restarted the divorce and was totally transparent with me about everything.
She turned up at our wedding reception, claiming he had told her he was only marrying me because he couldn’t face breaking my heart again.
The day I had our DS, I ended up in ITU fighting for my life and you guessed it, she turned up there, left their youngest DS with him while she popped to the loo and she never went back.
She caused constant issues for the first 10 years of our marriage, once the boys were old enough to conduct their own contact with their father, he cut all contact with her.
We have now been together for 28 years and I adore him, so it can work but... if I could go back to the beginning I really don’t think I would go through it again. Although I knew he wasn’t with her/ had no intentions of going near her etc it caused me to doubt because of the first issue, I didn’t feel secure for a very long time.
I didn’t mean this to be so long, but please think carefully about your next move, you don’t need a decade of issues before you feel secure

@Colouringaddict

I started a relationship with a guy that had been out of his marriage for a year. He had 2 DS that he saw regularly. His marriage broke down due to her serial infidelity, she had moved in with a new partner. We were together about 3 months when she started sending him love letters and needing to see him urgently and I really didn’t think I had anything to worry about, until she called me and told me they had slept together. He admitted it straight away and I ended things. Like this man you’re talking about, he hated being away from his children, never wanted to live apart from them. He moved back into the family home. A day later he was at my home begging me to reconsider, he had left their marital home again, because he had spent the night regretting going back, because he didn’t want the relationship with her, just wanted to be with his children. We spent weeks talking and decided to give it another go, it wasn’t easy, the ex pulled all kind of stunts, sending people to my door to tell me he wasn’t at work, he was with her, ringing the house phone to tell me of conversations they had had about reconciliation, even stopping the divorce and they were effectively reconciled. He restarted the divorce and was totally transparent with me about everything. She turned up at our wedding reception, claiming he had told her he was only marrying me because he couldn’t face breaking my heart again. The day I had our DS, I ended up in ITU fighting for my life and you guessed it, she turned up there, left their youngest DS with him while she popped to the loo and she never went back. She caused constant issues for the first 10 years of our marriage, once the boys were old enough to conduct their own contact with their father, he cut all contact with her. We have now been together for 28 years and I adore him, so it can work but... if I could go back to the beginning I really don’t think I would go through it again. Although I knew he wasn’t with her/ had no intentions of going near her etc it caused me to doubt because of the first issue, I didn’t feel secure for a very long time. I didn’t mean this to be so long, but please think carefully about your next move, you don’t need a decade of issues before you feel secure

Wow! His ex did the same thing to be fair. Kept making up fictitious illnesses for the daughter etc.

And that's the thing. I know it's the child that's the driver not her and he hates being away from her. When we last split up it was because his little girl had started saying she wanted mummy whenever he had her and I could see the panic in him.

I'm glad your relationship worked out though and thank you for taking the time to write that out.

I just don't understand why he made such a big deal of getting back together to bugger off again. Would have been easier just to stay apart till after he came back, would have made it look far less weird.

I've been with a man like this. Spent months trying to win me back after I dumped him. Said I was the love of his life and it was the biggest mistake he'd ever made. Four months later I dumped him again when I found out he was cheating on me with his ex.

Some people are like this. They don't change.

What sort of father goes away without his phone? What happens if something happened to his daughter and ppl needed to get in tough in an emergency? Where has he said he's gone?

He will have his phone with him (he’s just saying he hasn’t because his ex will be there) - he’ll get your text while he’s away.

@kangaShade

I just don't understand why he made such a big deal of getting back together to bugger off again. Would have been easier just to stay apart till after he came back, would have made it look far less weird.

I've been with a man like this. Spent months trying to win me back after I dumped him. Said I was the love of his life and it was the biggest mistake he'd ever made. Four months later I dumped him again when I found out he was cheating on me with his ex.

Some people are like this. They don't change.

Isn't it scary that there are people in the world that are this manipulative/evil??

Don't know how they live with themselves.

Is he on holiday with his ex?

Look I don’t know what drives someone to get back with someone who basically cheats from the get go, but it smacks of desperation and neediness. I’d take some time to think of what’s going on with you and how to improve your self esteem.

When I said earlier she will eventually tell him where to go, I meant when she figures out he doesn't really want her and is keeping her dangling so he can see his daughter. She will, one day.

after reading these replies my eyes are well and truly open

Thank fuck

who goes on holiday without a phone

30 years ago everybody

Sounds daft but I guess I'm shocked anyone can be so out and out deceitful.

I'd never ever treat anyone or hurt anyone like that. I couldn't live with myself.

Sadly we often project our own morals onto others. I felt the same way as you do OP until I found out what my DH of 26 years was up to! It would make your hair curl! No one that knew him could have imagined it.

Well done for seeing the light!

I just hope he finally stays away from me now.

He won’t stay away, so be ready. He’s not about to give up having 2 adoring women in his triangle. Don’t let him talk you around.

Bumble is a Free dating app. Dead quick to use - you just download the app, upload your photo, put in what your 'maximum distance' from potential dates should be, put in an age range of what you're looking for - and bombs away :-)

You start seeing people's photo's - if you don't like - swipe left, if you like you swipe that photo right.

You photo appears for them to swipe too.

When you get a match - so you have both swiped - you are then able to start messaging each other :-)

it is hilarious. I couldn't imagine wanting to meet anyone outside of an app anymore - I love the vetting you get to do on messaging.

I dated with the intention that if they didnt give me butterflies on the fist date - they weren't getting a 2nd - I'd get straight back to swiping :-)

You have to be careful though - because there's a lot of guys on there that are after one thing, as the app is a great tool for guys to attract sex - but if you go in with your eyes wide open, and ready to fish them out - you'll see it's got the good on there too who are genuinely looking for someone special and looking to find a connection.

Now download the app and start swiping girl :-) I'll give you 24hrs before you get your first match - then ya gotta report back on here and fill us in :-)

Run for the hills. This will never not be messy.

The phone issue aside, even if it's just his DD that pulls him back to the ex...I would find it all to stressful and unless I had a reason to be desperate and felt he was my only option...I would see no reason to put myself through this headache.

Luckily with COVID I'll only have to see him once a week.

Why do you have to see him at all? You don't mention DCs with him, so unless there's a good reason why you must, make it a total split and don't see him ever again.

They are work colleagues @Feedingthebirds1

im hoping op updates, and its a clean break as possible,

@PasstheBucket89

im hoping op updates, and its a clean break as possible,

He's back at the end of the week but I've blocked everything. Won't see him till the end of next week at work (although hopefully he just will avoid the office when I'm there)

I don't think the ex is the issue here - I dont think he actually wants either of you.

He wants his child a sure thing.

He doesn't want his ex else he would be with her without a shadow.

If he wanted you he would be making sure that you felt secure before he left, he'd take his phone and make sure that he could talk to you whilst away - because he'd know he was going to miss you.

Whether he has taken his phone or left it at home - he's hiding a message behind it - which basically says 'I don't want to chat to you whilst I'm away'

Thing is - you're not the issue here - he is. He is screwed up. He doesn't know what love is. To tell you he loves you, yet will not be speaking to you whilst he is having a relaxing break - that is someone who is screwed up.

Do one better - bin him, and get someone better. Someone who treats you how you deserve.

In fact, if he ever does try and get hold of you again, tell him "I'm not interested, I deserve to be treated better"

You do realise you deserve better right?

We attract what we put up with - get rid so you have room in your life to meet someone else

Nobody goes on holiday alone with their child/ren without a means of contacting the emergency services or for the other parent to check in. He’s clearly with his ex too, and “no phone” because he doesn’t want you calling and blowing the cover. If she knows about you, she’s been told you’re over.