Sister's wedding- what would you do?

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Advice needed please!!!
My sister's wedding was postponed due to the coronavirus and has been rearranged, she can only have 30 guests and said I could come with DD (3yrs) but not DS (6 months) or OH. All my aunts and uncles are coming as couples (ie nobody's been asked to leave their other half at home) and these are people she barely sees, so although I didn't say anything I was quite offended she was happy to invite them all but ask me to leave one of my children behind and obviously OH too. Her husband to be is having all of his nieces and nephews there.
So as not to drip feed I fell out with my parents a year ago and have very little contact. The row was over the way they continually refused to take any instructions on the rare occasions they looked after DD for me. A few times they were quite dangerously careless and when I pulled them up on it they basically ganged up on me and refused to accept any criticism. Historically I would usually cave to pressure but this was so black and white that I was furious they would even try to turn it on me for daring to stand up to them. This row never really got resolved and as mentioned we don't really have much to do with each other now (they haven't met DS) as they wont accept any wrongdoing and what am I meant to do, just let them keep doing it?
My sister and I have never actually fallen out but she still stopped speaking to me and sacked me and DD from being bridesmaids. I was very pregnant at the time and thought it was quite shitty of her to be honest. She has also never met DS nor shown any interest in doing so.
Anyway I said politely it didnt sit right with me and to make sure both my kids are treated the same I will leave them both with OH while I attend the ceremony (not having a reception).
She replied a bit stroppily it was up to me. Anyway now shes said the vicar has said she can have 31 guests so I can bring both kids but not OH.
To be honest I think she's shown how little she cares about me and my children the whole way through this so i think why should I fork out for dress/shoes for DD and an outfit for DS too just to keep up appearances, I'm tempted to say dont worry I'll come alone as planned. what would you do?!

This family fall out is in no way your fault.

If your parents really cared about grandparents etc seeing your dc then they would have tried harder to preserve a relationship with you and to care safely for your Dd. You have no choice in stopping them seeing your dc, you have to protect them from a genuinely dangerous environment. The fact that they used their mistakes to turn on you speaks volumes! They sound awful, and your sister sided with them. None of them have even bothered to try to make contact and see your new baby or show an interest.

I agree about your options, either don't go and further cement the family divide, or go and have to grit your teeth at the situation. Going alone might make it easier if you feel you can't face the repercussions of not going at all, even though they may be pissed off they can't say you didn't go. If you do go, I would make sure to go back to minimal contact afterwards.

In your position I think it would be really reasonable not to go. They really have all been awful. But I could understand if you went too.

Sorry they are so shit x

Ps, I definitely agree not to take dc. I also would consider a last minute drop out claiming you have to self isolate or something.

I also agree that it sounds like they have an issue with your OH. I definitely would show up with him when he hasn’t been invited.

Missing your sisters wedding could be the nail in the coffin of your relationship. I would attend the ceremony without the children. Blame Covid if you need to.

I honestly wouldn’t bother going at this point sounds like a massive ball ache. I don’t think the bride is being unreasonable to have chosen to have you and your daughter go instead of you and your OH though.

I would do what others have suggested and leave the children with a babysitter and take your OH...for moral support!!

Anyone getting married who wants to celebrate the joining of two people into a relationship and does this by leaving out the partner of people they care about is a complete hypocrite in my book without a massive back story of said partner swindled my grandparents out of their savings or is an abusive drug smuggler who hits their partner, your friend. Inviting your dc instead just compounds this ‘your relationship doesn’t count message’.

I wouldn't attend if my dh wasn't invited. How does he feel about it all? If you do go then I would go alone, use covid as the excuse as you have a 6 month old baby. Leave the children with their dad and go for the ceremony, have some pictures and then leave afterwards. Get there on time but not late and leave at the earliest opportunity. Plaster a smile on your face as it is your sister's special day and be polite to all that choose to engage with you. When they ask about the kids roll out the covid excuse. I would let your sister know beforehand that you will be coming alone so she can invite other people if she wishes. This is what I would do in your shoes if I wanted to maintain a relationship with her. I would not attend any other family events with out my dh and if that meant being 'banished' so be it.

Yes, what does your DH think? Do he and your sister get on?

Her husband has not been invited- you can’t just take someone who hasn’t been invited to someone else’s wedding.
People are conflating the parent’s’ appalling behaviour with the sister’s wedding.
Her only crime was sacking OP and her daughter as bridesmaids from the original wedding.
As for not seeing the baby, did the pandemic have anything to do with it?
Go to your sister’s wedding then decide how you want relationship to proceed.
Your husband is not invited - he might be in your top 13 people but not your sister’s.

She wants you there for appearances' sake and nothing else.. Have a lovely day out with dh +dc instead.

I think you should go by yourself. Say that you wouldn’t want to look after both kids all day without your DH but you really wanted to be there for her big day. Take the kids to see family members separately.

I think your sister is being really unreasonable but I also think it could cause a permanent rift if you don’t go. It might be nice for you to have a child free day and if not you can always sack it off early.

I don't really think you can turn up with your DH. Rightly or wrongly, he hasn't been invited and I don't think it is your choice to just swap him as a guest for your DD.
I would either go to the ceremony alone, or not go at all. And if I chose to go, I would tell my sister in advance that I was doing this so that she could offer your DD's place to someone else.

She sacked you and three year old as bridesmaids?! No way would I be going, especially if my DH wasn't invited. I'd be polite and make up a civil, plausible excuse but I wouldn't be going after being shunned like that.

I also wouldn't enjoy being there when my parents who weren't speaking to me were present, so that would be another major downside. I do get the feeling your sister doesn't want you to go (maybe anticipating trouble from parents..?) and that's why she hasn't invited your partner and other child.

I can't imagine my siblings excluding my husband (and innocent children) from major events. It just wouldn't happen, any more than I would exclude any of their spouses. It sends such a final message. Even with covid19 around, it's still a massive slap in the face. And after demoting your invitations from wedding party (as bridesmaids) to also rans... crikey.

Try messaging her and saying, I found a sitter for both the kids, so my plus one can be Dh. Looking forward to us both coming to the wedding. You'll soon know whether she really wants you there.

Whatever the rights or wrongs of it, in reality the total number of people who can be there is 30 including the bride and groom and various officials. So probably about 24 guests, maybe 12 from each side if divided equally, of which you, DC and DH would be 4 if all invited. If you got on well this would be a no-brainer, but given that family relations are pretty strained I can see why she might have done it.

If you want to go with DH and not the DC all you can do is ask her. Really wouldn't advise just turning up with him as has been suggested because her venue may well have required her to submit names of guests ahead of time for track & trace purposes.

Ditto saying you'll come and not turning up - that would be a pretty shitty thing to do to someone who's trying to make the best of their wedding day in the current circumstances. If you've fallen out that badly, just say you're not going. It can hardly make things worse!

Ask your sister why everyone else is allowed to come as a couple/family unit, but you’re not. Is it possible for just you and OH to go and a babysitter could look after your DC? Maybe you could just go to the ceremony? Tell her that you’d prefer to go with DH and see what she says.

I suppose a polite message to hope to keep a bridge open without being a doormat could be I think you don’t really want me and dh at your wedding but don’t know how to say it. I don’t want awkardness with our parents ignoring me or anything distracting you from your wedding day. Best we stay away and hope to see you after.

The parents certainly sound toxic but should be irrelevant to wedding.

Did sister remove bridesmaid duties because it was now small wedding due to Covid?

So 30 people allowed including celebrant, B&G and photographer(?) so B&G have 12 guests each. Bride has invited parents and OP and niece leaving 8 spaces and OP (and most of respondents) thinks one of these spaces should go to her husband someone who isn’t related to the bride other than through her sister. As for removing niece (who is related and is invited) and creating a space surely that space should be filled by someone sister is close to.
The etiquette of inviting in-laws would only be breached if it was a large wedding that wasn’t taking place in the middle of a fucking pandemic which has killed thousands of people.
Just go to wedding; it’s an hour out of your life. If things go tits up after it won’t be your fault.
Don’t try to shoehorn your husband into a wedding that he of invited to in these circumstances.
If you don’t give a fuck about the relationship keep harping on about your husband or don’t go.

Ask her why there's room for 2 children but not your partner.

But to be honest I'd just not go at all.

DH isn’t invited so taking him isn’t an option!

@Nikori

I also agree that it sounds like they have an issue with your OH. I definitely would show up with him when he hasn’t been invited.

I don't know why this always happens to me. Obviously, I meant "I definitely wouldn't show up with him when he hasn't been invited"

Coming from dysfunctional family know what it is like to have to decide what is best solution to "keep the peace". If I were you I would go on your own making it very clear that you could not and not willing to contemplate trying to cope on your own at a social event with 2 small children and act innocent by being very obliging by telling her soon to be helpful so she can add two others as you know how limited her numbers are. No mention of DH not going, no budging on coping on your own (if pushed suggest DH much better at coping with kids out and about and your wouldn't want the kids to "ruin her day" by acting up) and acting completely innocent and even helpful by pointing out she can now invite others. This allows you to the best possible degree to position yourself as innocent in this scenario.

With regard to long term plans on relationship with them can highly recommend therapy and a gradual approach and definitely NOT doing it at a time of heightened emotion (memories of parents significant wedding anniversary coming flooding back) You know you will always be to blame so your only hope can be to minimise as much as possible.