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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister's wedding- what would you do?

198 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 06/09/2020 15:45

Advice needed please!!!
My sister's wedding was postponed due to the coronavirus and has been rearranged, she can only have 30 guests and said I could come with DD (3yrs) but not DS (6 months) or OH. All my aunts and uncles are coming as couples (ie nobody's been asked to leave their other half at home) and these are people she barely sees, so although I didn't say anything I was quite offended she was happy to invite them all but ask me to leave one of my children behind and obviously OH too. Her husband to be is having all of his nieces and nephews there.
So as not to drip feed I fell out with my parents a year ago and have very little contact. The row was over the way they continually refused to take any instructions on the rare occasions they looked after DD for me. A few times they were quite dangerously careless and when I pulled them up on it they basically ganged up on me and refused to accept any criticism. Historically I would usually cave to pressure but this was so black and white that I was furious they would even try to turn it on me for daring to stand up to them. This row never really got resolved and as mentioned we don't really have much to do with each other now (they haven't met DS) as they wont accept any wrongdoing and what am I meant to do, just let them keep doing it?
My sister and I have never actually fallen out but she still stopped speaking to me and sacked me and DD from being bridesmaids. I was very pregnant at the time and thought it was quite shitty of her to be honest. She has also never met DS nor shown any interest in doing so.
Anyway I said politely it didnt sit right with me and to make sure both my kids are treated the same I will leave them both with OH while I attend the ceremony (not having a reception).
She replied a bit stroppily it was up to me. Anyway now shes said the vicar has said she can have 31 guests so I can bring both kids but not OH.
To be honest I think she's shown how little she cares about me and my children the whole way through this so i think why should I fork out for dress/shoes for DD and an outfit for DS too just to keep up appearances, I'm tempted to say dont worry I'll come alone as planned. what would you do?!

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 06/09/2020 16:19

I just wouldn’t go - not like me at all to say this but I don’t see any proper alternative.

Rae36 · 06/09/2020 16:19

I would just go by myself to the ceremony then go home.
Unless it's a fair distance away and involves an overnight stay, then I wouldn't go at all.

Reddog1 · 06/09/2020 16:20

She doesn’t sound particularly caring or committed as a sister/aunt. I’d probably bow out altogether and just send a card and a bottle of champagne or something.

honeygirlz · 06/09/2020 16:23

It’s easy to say don’t go but this is OP’s sister and she is NC with her parents. She is being very pragmatic by attending alone.

I would still go alone if you want relationship with sis, but be wary of how she treats you in future.

bubblesforlife · 06/09/2020 16:24

Maybe go to ceremony alone. Leave almost directly afterward. Speak to other guests, when they appropriately ask you where your DH is, day he was not invited. (It doesn’t sound very kind of your sister)
A card and a bottle of champagne as a gift.
Don’t give your family more ammunition to give you a hard time.!
Then afterwards go low or no contact for quite a while.

SandyY2K · 06/09/2020 16:24

I with say a bigger issue is that she has not shown any interest in meeting your son. I can't imagine my sister not meeting my child.... even with a global pandemic on.

Fatted · 06/09/2020 16:25

@Toomuchtooyoung01 it looks to me like she is making a token gesture to invite you when she doesn't want you there. She is making it difficult do you to attend, probably in the hope that you will decline. But you will be the unreasonable one not to go, because she invited you.

If you are allowed a plus one, drop your DC with a sitter and take your DH. Go, smile through yourself teeth politely and leave early. Then it cannot be held against you.

Notthetoothfairy · 06/09/2020 16:26

I wouldn’t go.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 06/09/2020 16:26

i'd leave the children and go with the dh

Original poster
Toomuchtooyoung01 · 06/09/2020 16:26

@notalwaysalondoner
Brietf summary - allowed then baby DD to play with a handbag which had a blister pack of my mum's medication in, I had asked my mum if the bag was empty as she had previously given her handbags with all sorts of choking hazards in and was shouted down, anyway I looked and found the pills that my DD could easily have eaten and then become seriously ill. When I said they needed to be more careful/it was a near miss, I was shouted down. What makes it worse is when my sister was a little girl EXACTLY the same thing happened except she actually ate the pills (she ate some of my mum's medication that had been carelessly left in her handbag) and had to go to hospital and drink something to make her vomit it back up, so you would think she would be more vigilant especially with a baby who isn't able to tell you they dont feel well and ate what they thought were loose sweets in a handbag.
Shortly after this, I went to the bathroom at my parents, walked in to find DD eating cat food right next to my mum who hadn't bloody noticed and when I said FFS etc she just shrugged it off as nothing.
My dad had been smoking and then afterwards began playing a game which involved blowing in my then baby DD's face, when I politely said please don't do that as you've been smoking, he got the hump.
When I asked them not to do something etc all I got was eye rolls, long sighs, you get the picture. If I tried to discuss it just descended into an argument involving my dad shouting and storming off several times, all in front of DD. Eventually I just had enough and just gave them a wide berth.
Millions of examples but those are a few off the top of my head, basically a running theme of how dare I criticise them even when it concerns my child's safety.

OP posts:
Trikc · 06/09/2020 16:27

I’d go on my own. I wouldn’t get not any more discussions and I’d keep the real reason quiet. I’d say that you prefer to come on your own as it’s more relaxing.

I bet your husband doesn’t actually care if he doesn’t go it’s more that you mare offended that he hasn’t been asked.
I wouldn’t give this any headspace, you don’t much like your family so don’t worry about getting upset and angry. They don’t sound nice.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 06/09/2020 16:27

you dont have to tell her in advance,
or take the older child too and just leave the baby

Remona · 06/09/2020 16:28

I wouldn’t go at all.

Rafflesway · 06/09/2020 16:28

In these circumstances you couldn't pay me to go. 😡

However, perhaps I'm not the best to advise if you want to keep your relationship with your family. I have been totally NC with mine for 30 years 😂, (Best decision I ever made)

seekers · 06/09/2020 16:29

So bizarre re your parents. Especially for them not to see your new born.

I would not go or I would ask if you can take your husband.

Cruachan31 · 06/09/2020 16:30

@ScrapThatThen

She doesn't want your family there. She wants you for appearances because it looks bad if a sibling is not invited. Whatever you do she will end up 'winning' and you looking bad, because she is the bride and your family don't support you. So go, don't go. It makes no difference. She will make you look unreasonable.
Agree with this, sis doesn’t want to look bad. If you don’t go, you will be made out to be the one at fault and being unreasonable, when in reality, she is the one that is unreasonable!

I wouldn’t go, especially as she sacked you and your dd as bridesmaids (who does that to a child)! She has obviously taken your parents side and the fact none of them have even met your ds, or shown any interest in doing so, would be the finish for me! Let them just get on with it and if any relatives ask you why you weren’t there, tell them the truth. Pretty sure most of them would be disgusted at the treatment you have been receiving from them. If they aren’t, who cares, they aren’t worth bothering about either!

I have 3 grandchildren. Their parents have guidelines. I abide by them!

seekers · 06/09/2020 16:32

Do you think they let your child eat the animal food just to wind you up?

I mean even if your Mum can't see she would smell it.

Sorry for having shit parents.

I think I would move on.

Go to your sisters wedding and then just remove yourself from the family.

catherinep80 · 06/09/2020 16:34

If anyone invited me to a wedding but not my husband (sister included) I wouldn't go. I'm surprised a sister would do that though - it seems strange when sister and her husband should be top of the list being one of her closest relatives? It makes more sense to just have adults only and leave all the nieces and nephews at home with a babysitter.

JustAPassingFashion · 06/09/2020 16:35

If I went at all, I'd leave both kids with somebody and take OH. However, I really don't think I could go after this.

DPotter · 06/09/2020 16:36

Could your sister being trying to orchestrate a meet up with your children with your parents?

Even so I would say to your sister, I'll arrange a baby sitter and bring DH. I agree with others who have said her re-action will tell you a lot.

SecretSpAD · 06/09/2020 16:36

I feel for her. It's a shitty time to be planning a wedding and she's also caught in the middle of an argument between her sister and her parents! Whatever she does it's going to be wrong so don't go and let her have a peaceful day without having to feel,guilty or pressurised.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/09/2020 16:38

I’d go solo or with DH if I had a good childcare option.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2020 16:38

Do not go to this wedding. Your sister doesn't really seem to want you there, and given the state of your relationship with your parents, you being there will be nothing but awkward. Skip it.

Leaannb · 06/09/2020 16:41

I voted you are being unreasonable because there is no way you should be goimg and excludijg yoir partner

Iwonder08 · 06/09/2020 16:42

OP,
If you are very keen on keeping in touch with your sister (based on you post I am not sure why would you) go alone to the ceremony only. Make your excuses and leave before the reception, after all you have a 6mo baby..
Personally I wouldn't attend the wedding at all. Your sister disrespected you by not inviting your partner, she stopped talking to you for a period of time instead of being supportive. Just because you are related it doesn't mean you have to like each other