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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister's wedding- what would you do?

198 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 06/09/2020 15:45

Advice needed please!!!
My sister's wedding was postponed due to the coronavirus and has been rearranged, she can only have 30 guests and said I could come with DD (3yrs) but not DS (6 months) or OH. All my aunts and uncles are coming as couples (ie nobody's been asked to leave their other half at home) and these are people she barely sees, so although I didn't say anything I was quite offended she was happy to invite them all but ask me to leave one of my children behind and obviously OH too. Her husband to be is having all of his nieces and nephews there.
So as not to drip feed I fell out with my parents a year ago and have very little contact. The row was over the way they continually refused to take any instructions on the rare occasions they looked after DD for me. A few times they were quite dangerously careless and when I pulled them up on it they basically ganged up on me and refused to accept any criticism. Historically I would usually cave to pressure but this was so black and white that I was furious they would even try to turn it on me for daring to stand up to them. This row never really got resolved and as mentioned we don't really have much to do with each other now (they haven't met DS) as they wont accept any wrongdoing and what am I meant to do, just let them keep doing it?
My sister and I have never actually fallen out but she still stopped speaking to me and sacked me and DD from being bridesmaids. I was very pregnant at the time and thought it was quite shitty of her to be honest. She has also never met DS nor shown any interest in doing so.
Anyway I said politely it didnt sit right with me and to make sure both my kids are treated the same I will leave them both with OH while I attend the ceremony (not having a reception).
She replied a bit stroppily it was up to me. Anyway now shes said the vicar has said she can have 31 guests so I can bring both kids but not OH.
To be honest I think she's shown how little she cares about me and my children the whole way through this so i think why should I fork out for dress/shoes for DD and an outfit for DS too just to keep up appearances, I'm tempted to say dont worry I'll come alone as planned. what would you do?!

OP posts:
frustratedstep · 06/09/2020 16:06

I wouldn't go.

bringbacksideburns · 06/09/2020 16:07

I wouldn't go.

It's a shame you can't heal the rift. Have you tried? or are they just hard work anyway?

OhCaptain · 06/09/2020 16:07

Do they all blame your OH for the fall out?

MJMG2015 · 06/09/2020 16:07

@DizzyPigeon

I would probably go without the kids.

I feel for people trying to organise weddings with such limited numbers. Whatever they do, someone will be left out. Not easy.

That maybe so, but you don't leave you'd dusters DP out whimsy inviting numerous nieces & nephews in the other side & a cluster of Aunties & Uncles Plus, if you really can only spare 2 places for your sister & her family, you would invite her DP, not one of her children!

@Toomuchtooyoung01. I'm betting they've said a baby doesn't count in the numbers.

So either accept in behalf of yourself, DH & DD 🤣or turn down the invitation.

If I was your friend I'd happily have DS for you & he won't care about not going.

Let your Dsis squirm about what to say to you then!

With your parents, I guess utvdeloends how serious the 'rules' they weren't following were. 'No kids TV/chocolate buttons' is not in the same league as 'must be in a car seat, is not allowed to play in the paddling pool unsupervised' .

MadCattery · 06/09/2020 16:07

I love the idea of having someone watch the kids and take OH instead. If she doesn't want that, you'll know exactly where it stands.

NailsNeedDoing · 06/09/2020 16:08

I wouldn’t go if my partner and child had been excluded.

TOFO1965 · 06/09/2020 16:08

I wouldn’t go.

LilyLongJohn · 06/09/2020 16:09

Another vote for not bothering to go

DaphneFanshaw · 06/09/2020 16:09

I wouldn’t bother going either.
It sounds like it’s going to be really tense and awkward.
Do you actually want to go ?

Sexnotgender · 06/09/2020 16:09

I wouldn't go. I know on here people always seem to think going to a siblings wedding is somehow sacrosanct but I didn't go to either of my siblings weddings and the world didn't stop turning.

My brother didn’t come to my wedding, granted he lives in Australia but he did say he was going to then changed his mind.

I’m now not going to his😂 I was planning to but it was moved due to coronavirus and I’m now pregnant and due the day after. Which is a bit of a bugger as my flights and hotel are booked.

MegaClutterSlut · 06/09/2020 16:09

Why are you bothering to go to a wedding where you've been sacked as bridesmaids, your oh and son excluded and they don't even bother with you? Sod that

ScrapThatThen · 06/09/2020 16:10

She doesn't want your family there. She wants you for appearances because it looks bad if a sibling is not invited. Whatever you do she will end up 'winning' and you looking bad, because she is the bride and your family don't support you. So go, don't go. It makes no difference. She will make you look unreasonable.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 06/09/2020 16:10

I wouldn’t go.

If I really felt I had to I’d get a sitter and take DH.

You’ll need someone in your corner with this lot about! And having kids with you makes you vulnerable to verbal attacks as you’ll feel you can’t argue back.

yolio · 06/09/2020 16:11

Agree with MadCattery.

But to be fair it is a difficult time guest numbers wise for weddings right now, and someone will always be miffed.

Well I wouldn't be, as I dislike weddings full stop. So formulaic, but that's for another thread some day.

Get the kids minded and go with your DH. As MadCattery says, if that is objectionable don't go at all. Sad times all round these days and nothing but angst.

1forAll74 · 06/09/2020 16:12

I would not go to the wedding, I couldn't be bothered with any family issues regarding attending a wedding.

notalwaysalondoner · 06/09/2020 16:12

I’d go and not bother buying new outfits, or else leave kids at home if easier. I wish you’d be more specific about what exactly your parents did to your child that was so dangerous as for your sister to side with your parents suggests to me maybe you were overreacting. But then I know that going no contact is frequently recommended on MN whereas I can’t imagine doing that with my parents or siblings or not meeting my sibling’s baby, so maybe I just don’t have an active enough imagination. I certainly would go to my sister’s wedding if invited.

DizzyPigeon · 06/09/2020 16:12

That maybe so, but you don't leave you'd dusters DP out whimsy inviting numerous nieces & nephews in the other side & a cluster of Aunties & Uncles

I think I understand what you attempted to say.

And I get that point of view too. But I like an easy life and can't be bothered too get worked up about stuff like this, so as I said, I would probably go. It would depend on my relationship with my sister.

drspouse · 06/09/2020 16:13

Is it definitely 31 guests or is it 30 but babes in arms don't count/BF babies don't count?

Chloemol · 06/09/2020 16:14

I don’t think the vicar has said 31, he’s not allowed 31 and will be well aware of that. 30 max, ( and that included the celebrants, vicars etc)

As she has taken no interest in your ds I think you are right to ask that both children are treated the same, but also it’s odd that she has not invited your dh, but has the partners of others.

I would decline and if she says anything say you understand it’s her wedding, but this is your family which she is treating shabbily and you cant understand why it’s ok for everyone else’s family to be invited, who you don’t see a lot, and not yours , so it’s just easiest if none of you attend and you hope she has a good time

Staffy1 · 06/09/2020 16:14

Why not take them both? She may have specifically asked if she could have an extra guest for you. Even if she didn't, she thought to let you know about the extra space before offering it to someone else.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 06/09/2020 16:14

I wouldn't go

Ginfordinner · 06/09/2020 16:15

I wouldn't go either. I'm sorry you have such a horrible family Flowers

blanchmange50 · 06/09/2020 16:15

They clearly blame your OH for the cause of the fall out.... its up to you now....do you have your DH back or not? Given the groom is having his nieces and nephews and no exclusions it is pretty obvious your DH is purposely being excluded. If it was me I wouldnt go...

jessstan2 · 06/09/2020 16:15

@Pipandmum

I'd leave both kids with a sitter and bring husband. Your baby is too small and your three year old will be bored and not remember it, but as it's a wedding about committing to a life long partner, shouldn't you have yours with you?
That's what I'd do.

It's very difficult for your sister who is trying to comply with regulations. She can't please everyone.

Redglitter · 06/09/2020 16:17

id tell her you've arranged a sitter and you and your husband will be delighted to attend. See what her response is to that. If the numbers mysteriously change again to exclude him i wouldn't go and id certainly let her know why

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