Sister's wedding- what would you do?

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Advice needed please!!!
My sister's wedding was postponed due to the coronavirus and has been rearranged, she can only have 30 guests and said I could come with DD (3yrs) but not DS (6 months) or OH. All my aunts and uncles are coming as couples (ie nobody's been asked to leave their other half at home) and these are people she barely sees, so although I didn't say anything I was quite offended she was happy to invite them all but ask me to leave one of my children behind and obviously OH too. Her husband to be is having all of his nieces and nephews there.
So as not to drip feed I fell out with my parents a year ago and have very little contact. The row was over the way they continually refused to take any instructions on the rare occasions they looked after DD for me. A few times they were quite dangerously careless and when I pulled them up on it they basically ganged up on me and refused to accept any criticism. Historically I would usually cave to pressure but this was so black and white that I was furious they would even try to turn it on me for daring to stand up to them. This row never really got resolved and as mentioned we don't really have much to do with each other now (they haven't met DS) as they wont accept any wrongdoing and what am I meant to do, just let them keep doing it?
My sister and I have never actually fallen out but she still stopped speaking to me and sacked me and DD from being bridesmaids. I was very pregnant at the time and thought it was quite shitty of her to be honest. She has also never met DS nor shown any interest in doing so.
Anyway I said politely it didnt sit right with me and to make sure both my kids are treated the same I will leave them both with OH while I attend the ceremony (not having a reception).
She replied a bit stroppily it was up to me. Anyway now shes said the vicar has said she can have 31 guests so I can bring both kids but not OH.
To be honest I think she's shown how little she cares about me and my children the whole way through this so i think why should I fork out for dress/shoes for DD and an outfit for DS too just to keep up appearances, I'm tempted to say dont worry I'll come alone as planned. what would you do?!

I wouldn't go anywhere if my DH isn't welcome, apart from out-with-the-girls gatherings.

I'd either turn up with my DH instead of the kids, or I'd let her know that was the reason I wouldn't be coming.

I'd go alone or with dh but I wouldn't go with dd without her dh as they just want her there for pics. Out of order they are excluding your little one - how do they know you're happy to leave your little one at such a young age.

I'd personally be fuming and wouldn't stay very long just to make a point.

@wouldbegood
Apparently OH cant go due to the restrictions on guests allowed. I totally understand its hard having to choose guests, and if family who she literally never sees etc weren't attending I wouldn't be as pissed off.
I feel like I'm in a really shit position where I either •go alone and have accusing questions about why I didn't bring my children/how upset my nan is etc I haven't wheeled out the cute children for everyone to look at.
• go with my kids which I feel sends the message their behaviour is acceptable, grit my teeth while my parents act the doting grandparents to an audience
•don't go at all and am forever banished

I'd let her know you had childcare, and would be attending with your Dh. If she objects, it's her choice. You then haven't caused a fall out, your sister asked you not to attend. Easier to move on from.

As for your parents... You survived, but I fully see why you would keep your distance with your kids.

I don't think she wants you there, making it difficult so you'll refuse to go and she doesn't look like the bad one.

*ketchupandmayo

I would go. Like you say there is no reception. You won't get spoken about and you won't give your family leverage to annihilate you. If you don't turn up, you will always come off worse. Just show up say congrats and then leave. It will help for the future if there will be any reconciliation and you look like the bigger, better person.*

I agree

I'd let her know you had childcare, and would be attending with your Dh. If she objects, it's her choice. You then haven't caused a fall out, your sister asked you not to attend. Easier to move on from.

This is what I would do. I wouldn't be taking the children.

I wouldn’t go.

I would take DS or OH not DD.

I wouldn't go at all

[quote Toomuchtooyoung01]@wouldbegood
Apparently OH cant go due to the restrictions on guests allowed. I totally understand its hard having to choose guests, and if family who she literally never sees etc weren't attending I wouldn't be as pissed off.
I feel like I'm in a really shit position where I either •go alone and have accusing questions about why I didn't bring my children/how upset my nan is etc I haven't wheeled out the cute children for everyone to look at.
• go with my kids which I feel sends the message their behaviour is acceptable, grit my teeth while my parents act the doting grandparents to an audience
•don't go at all and am forever banished[/quote]
I’m sorry this is ridiculous if your OH counts as coronavirus numbers so does your child. Ask the vicar. She might be spinning you a lie.

I wouldnt go. why would you let them treat you like this? If you described the situation without mentioning who she was to you, I would say you were a distant relative. And like hell would I allow anyone to treat my dh or my DC this way.
They probably only included your ds so they can all put a show and fawn over him to everyone else. Stay clear of this shit show.

I wouldn't go

So, is she trying to say that the '31st guest' that the vicar is now allowing can be a child, but not an adult? That's ridiculous.

Looks to me as if your family is blaming your DH for your 'bad behaviour'. They're probably saying that you wouldn't have criticized your parents 'if it wasn't for him'. Nice was to shift blame away from themselves.

I'd either turn the invite down flat or text her "Oh good, now that the vicar is allowing me to have a '+1' we'll arrange a sitter and DH and I will be pleased to attend". I just want to know what her reaction would be.

Go with OH, not with kids. She's your sister, it's right that you should be there and you don't want to not go and make the day all about you.

Then after her wedding have a good think about whether or not you are interested in having her in your life - you have a 6 month old DS who she hasn't even met??!! (I don't have a sister, but if any of my friends had expressed zero interest in meeting my child when born, they would no longer be my friends, IYSWIM)

Your DP and your DC are your family. I would not go because your sister is not respecting your family unit on a day that is about family.

Secret option D: get childcare and turn up with your DH as a plus one.

Haven't read all the comments but my first thought was
A. the snubbing of your DH is disgraceful!
B. No way would i contemplate taking two kids. How on earth is a wedding wrangling 2 children remotely enjoyable?

@WhereYouLeftIt

I would regretfully decline the invitation, saying something along the lines of

'Being asked to attend a celebration of committing to a life long partner (Thanks for that phrase Pipandmum!) whilst at the same time being asked to exclude my life long partner did not sit well with me. It seems I must decline your kind invitation. Your loving sister, Toomuchtooyoung01 xx'

And yes I would use the phrase 'loving sister'. But I am a bitch.

This is also a viable option.

Take the kids to see your nan before the wedding so she doesn't feel she's missed out. Be strong!!!!

Or just take the little baby and say he needs you as he's so small. Your family are being horrid to put you in this position. Either way don't let her get her own way.

I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t be having a relationship with any sibling who’d made no effort to meet my child in 6 months even with the current situation.

I didn't go to my brothers wedding for similar reasons (minus the kids as we didn't have them at the time) but they made it very difficult for us to attend and we felt this was their way of saying 'we don't want you there!' We took the hint and stayed away.

Go with your OH and get a babysitter fir few hours....

This is a significant time... Don't let them use your non attendance against you in future.

Go, without children but don't stay late.
Like you say, the 'doting grandparent' act will be annoying so better off with no DC. Show your face, be supportive then go home to be with your family.

Don't go at all. I would not even be arsed about not going!