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Original poster

Sister's wedding- what would you do?

198 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 06/09/2020 15:45

Advice needed please!!!
My sister's wedding was postponed due to the coronavirus and has been rearranged, she can only have 30 guests and said I could come with DD (3yrs) but not DS (6 months) or OH. All my aunts and uncles are coming as couples (ie nobody's been asked to leave their other half at home) and these are people she barely sees, so although I didn't say anything I was quite offended she was happy to invite them all but ask me to leave one of my children behind and obviously OH too. Her husband to be is having all of his nieces and nephews there.
So as not to drip feed I fell out with my parents a year ago and have very little contact. The row was over the way they continually refused to take any instructions on the rare occasions they looked after DD for me. A few times they were quite dangerously careless and when I pulled them up on it they basically ganged up on me and refused to accept any criticism. Historically I would usually cave to pressure but this was so black and white that I was furious they would even try to turn it on me for daring to stand up to them. This row never really got resolved and as mentioned we don't really have much to do with each other now (they haven't met DS) as they wont accept any wrongdoing and what am I meant to do, just let them keep doing it?
My sister and I have never actually fallen out but she still stopped speaking to me and sacked me and DD from being bridesmaids. I was very pregnant at the time and thought it was quite shitty of her to be honest. She has also never met DS nor shown any interest in doing so.
Anyway I said politely it didnt sit right with me and to make sure both my kids are treated the same I will leave them both with OH while I attend the ceremony (not having a reception).
She replied a bit stroppily it was up to me. Anyway now shes said the vicar has said she can have 31 guests so I can bring both kids but not OH.
To be honest I think she's shown how little she cares about me and my children the whole way through this so i think why should I fork out for dress/shoes for DD and an outfit for DS too just to keep up appearances, I'm tempted to say dont worry I'll come alone as planned. what would you do?!

OP posts:
Bluepolkadots42 · 06/09/2020 16:44

I would go alone- but don't spend a fortune on a new outfit etc. Make do with something you already have or borrow from a friend. Doesn't sound like she is worth spending any money on.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/09/2020 16:47

When you can't win no matter what you do, you might as as well go with what pleases you most. If that means not going, fine.

I'd probably go alone, if at all.

RoseTintedAtuin · 06/09/2020 16:49

Is there any backstory to their relationship with DH I.e. is it possible she believes if he goes there is an increased chance of drama/argument given there is already tension?

FelicityPike · 06/09/2020 16:49

I wouldn’t go either.

Pringlemonster · 06/09/2020 16:51

I would go ,as you don’t want your sister throwing it back in your face every time you argue
I would just go to the church and not the reception after
I would leave all kids with dh at home

frazzledasarock · 06/09/2020 16:57

I wouldn’t go I’d give the lot of them a very wide berth.

Wait till it’s your sisters child eating cat food and swallowing your mothers pill. She’ll be singing a different tune then.

ketchupandmayo · 06/09/2020 16:58

I would go. Like you say there is no reception. You won't get spoken about and you won't give your family leverage to annihilate you. If you don't turn up, you will always come off worse. Just show up say congrats and then leave. It will help for the future if there will be any reconciliation and you look like the bigger, better person.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 06/09/2020 17:02

? no reception?

that's a bit crap

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 06/09/2020 17:02

why arent they doing a reception?

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 06/09/2020 17:04

as much as i say just go with your dh and one child, I am not sure i could be neutral, i would be sad/cross about the whole situation.

KeepingPlain · 06/09/2020 17:08

I wouldn't be going at all. Why bother letting them look good in front of other family members when they don't give a shit about you? They don't care.

Lsquiggles · 06/09/2020 17:10

I wouldn't go. It sounds like she's trying to put you off going by making things awkward for you

lanthanum · 06/09/2020 17:11

*I don’t think the vicar has said 31, he’s not allowed 31 and will be well aware of that. 30 max, ( and that included the celebrants, vicars etc)"

30 does not include people employed by the venue (eg vicar for church wedding, reception venue staff). Presumably for a civil ceremony it does not include the registrar.

Bluetrews25 · 06/09/2020 17:12

No reception?
Really?
I think they are making your position clear!

I would go alone, then they can't hold it against you.
And look forward to the fall out when your DSis has DCs.....

ChristmasFluff · 06/09/2020 17:13

I wouldn't go either.

If it were about numbers, she would't be dictating your OH couldn't come.

Ultimately she has already shown she is cutting you out and is being a flying monkey for your parents by sacking you from being bridesmaids. This relationship seems doomed, so I'd put it out of its misery.

I'd send a card and present and wish her well, leave the door open. But I wouldn't go. You'll be on a hiding to nothing, however briefly (or prolongedly) you appear.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 06/09/2020 17:16

I wouldn't go. She's being a right bitch.

Pick your DH. Do something lovely as a family that day.

damnthatanxiety · 06/09/2020 17:18

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been said: Have you specifically asked your sister why she feels it is appropriate to invite all and sundry partners and not her own BIL? I would not attend but make it VERY clear why and make it VERY clear that it is a terrible and awful thing to do to family so they can't come back for the rest of your life saying that you were awful for not attending. Because they will try.

StyleandBeautyfail · 06/09/2020 17:21

@Toomuchtooyoung01

Advice needed please!!! My sister's wedding was postponed due to the coronavirus and has been rearranged, she can only have 30 guests and said I could come with DD (3yrs) but not DS (6 months) or OH. All my aunts and uncles are coming as couples (ie nobody's been asked to leave their other half at home) and these are people she barely sees, so although I didn't say anything I was quite offended she was happy to invite them all but ask me to leave one of my children behind and obviously OH too. Her husband to be is having all of his nieces and nephews there. So as not to drip feed I fell out with my parents a year ago and have very little contact. The row was over the way they continually refused to take any instructions on the rare occasions they looked after DD for me. A few times they were quite dangerously careless and when I pulled them up on it they basically ganged up on me and refused to accept any criticism. Historically I would usually cave to pressure but this was so black and white that I was furious they would even try to turn it on me for daring to stand up to them. This row never really got resolved and as mentioned we don't really have much to do with each other now (they haven't met DS) as they wont accept any wrongdoing and what am I meant to do, just let them keep doing it? My sister and I have never actually fallen out but she still stopped speaking to me and sacked me and DD from being bridesmaids. I was very pregnant at the time and thought it was quite shitty of her to be honest. She has also never met DS nor shown any interest in doing so. Anyway I said politely it didnt sit right with me and to make sure both my kids are treated the same I will leave them both with OH while I attend the ceremony (not having a reception). She replied a bit stroppily it was up to me. Anyway now shes said the vicar has said she can have 31 guests so I can bring both kids but not OH. To be honest I think she's shown how little she cares about me and my children the whole way through this so i think why should I fork out for dress/shoes for DD and an outfit for DS too just to keep up appearances, I'm tempted to say dont worry I'll come alone as planned. what would you do?!
Sounds like she is using this as a way to allow your parents to see your DC.
Winter2020 · 06/09/2020 17:23

I don’t say I wouldn’t go lightly - but they haven’t even bothered to meet your 6 month old? They are only inviting you to keep up appearances with the relatives. Don’t go.

ohtheholidays · 06/09/2020 17:24

There is no way on earth I would go a family wedding without my DH,not inviting a child or children is different because some people have child free weddings(not inviting both of your DC straight off even though the groom has invited all of his newphews and nieces would piss me off enough!)but to not invite your OH is just a really really shitty thing to do!

giletrouge · 06/09/2020 17:25

I can't see why you'd go, really OP? Your parents behave disgracefully, so they are no real loss, and your sister seems to have no empathy for you at all.
Really I'd wash my hands of the lot of them.
But then I'm another one who 'divorced' my family 30+ years ago and have never really looked back.

StyleandBeautyfail · 06/09/2020 17:26

Also not inviting your DH is probably so theres no one to stand up for you.
I would decline after the examples you have given up thread.

lyralalala · 06/09/2020 17:28

It's very clear to me that you are invited as your DD's plus one basically. Your sister and parents want to see your daughter and know to do that they have to invite you.

I'd go alone or not at all.

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 06/09/2020 17:28

I would get a babysitter and go with DH.

Like you, I can't get my head around not inviting you, your DH AND your children when aunties and uncles are invited. I wouldn't go with just your children. I would want someone there for support and who better than your DH?

2bazookas · 06/09/2020 17:29

I just wouldn't go to her wedding, at all.