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Original poster

Sister's wedding- what would you do?

198 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 06/09/2020 15:45

Advice needed please!!!
My sister's wedding was postponed due to the coronavirus and has been rearranged, she can only have 30 guests and said I could come with DD (3yrs) but not DS (6 months) or OH. All my aunts and uncles are coming as couples (ie nobody's been asked to leave their other half at home) and these are people she barely sees, so although I didn't say anything I was quite offended she was happy to invite them all but ask me to leave one of my children behind and obviously OH too. Her husband to be is having all of his nieces and nephews there.
So as not to drip feed I fell out with my parents a year ago and have very little contact. The row was over the way they continually refused to take any instructions on the rare occasions they looked after DD for me. A few times they were quite dangerously careless and when I pulled them up on it they basically ganged up on me and refused to accept any criticism. Historically I would usually cave to pressure but this was so black and white that I was furious they would even try to turn it on me for daring to stand up to them. This row never really got resolved and as mentioned we don't really have much to do with each other now (they haven't met DS) as they wont accept any wrongdoing and what am I meant to do, just let them keep doing it?
My sister and I have never actually fallen out but she still stopped speaking to me and sacked me and DD from being bridesmaids. I was very pregnant at the time and thought it was quite shitty of her to be honest. She has also never met DS nor shown any interest in doing so.
Anyway I said politely it didnt sit right with me and to make sure both my kids are treated the same I will leave them both with OH while I attend the ceremony (not having a reception).
She replied a bit stroppily it was up to me. Anyway now shes said the vicar has said she can have 31 guests so I can bring both kids but not OH.
To be honest I think she's shown how little she cares about me and my children the whole way through this so i think why should I fork out for dress/shoes for DD and an outfit for DS too just to keep up appearances, I'm tempted to say dont worry I'll come alone as planned. what would you do?!

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 06/09/2020 19:11

@Toomuchtooyoung01 what a really horrible situation for you. I think I’d probably get glammed up to the nines and go myself. It’s only for a shirt while and if no reception then no excruciating socialising. Then at least you can feel you’ve fine the right thing, fuck what they think or want you to do.

But I wouldn’t blame you at all for not going.

marjolaine · 06/09/2020 19:17

Don’t go.

If you’re that worried about fall-out (which you/DD being sacked as bridesmaids and her not giving a shit about your DS isn’t enough?) then get a cough or fever or tummy bug a few days before.

forrestgreen · 06/09/2020 19:17

You have an invitation for two.
Leave kids at home and go with dh, don't buy outfits etc.
Don't leave ch with your parents they sound feckless but I wouldn't go no contact over it unless there's a massive backstory...

Shizzlestix · 06/09/2020 19:21

I think I’d sack off the whole thing. You’re being treated differently, given her DH to be has invited all his nieces and nephews and every other couple has been invited together.

ScarMatty · 06/09/2020 19:25

Why would you even go?

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2020 19:26

Would being forever banished be a real problem?

victoriasponge678 · 06/09/2020 19:30

Does she even like your OH?

I love my sisters and of course accept their husbands but if I had to choose numbers I would not invite one brother in law as we just don't gel , don't get on or have anything in common

Same with my nieces and nephews - there are two who again I just would not want to invite.

liveitwell · 06/09/2020 19:34

Maybe her OH has invited all neices and nephews as he has less people to accommodate on his side, presuming they have 15 guests each to invite.

I can fully understand why she doesn't want 1/30 spaces used on a 6 month old who doesn't know he's even there and whom she hasn't met.

I wonder if Covid has anything to do with her not seeing him?

I suspect there's far more to this story than you're saying. It's her wedding, she can invite who she pleases, if you don't like it, don't go, but be prepared for her not to forgive you.

EWAB · 06/09/2020 19:50

OP yes all this is terrible but we’re in the middle of an international pandemic. Your relationship with your parents is separate from this wedding.
Just go to the wedding; there is no evidence that there is a reception and if there is one and you’re not invited she’s the one who is going to look petty and spoilt.
All but one of my aunts and uncles are with the spouse they had when I was growing up; are yours the same? If so she regards these spouses as her family so while you might feel a bit shit about your husband that’s just the way it is.
It’s irrelevant who the groom is inviting.
You and your daughter are invited. Take her or don’t take her if you think looking after her would spoil your experience not because her six month old brother isn’t invited. What you can’t do is swop your daughter for your husband at someone else’s wedding. He isn’t invited! He might have been if people weren’t dying of Covid. If there is a space it’s your sister to decide who has it not you.
My brother invited no spouses to his small but fucking expensive wedding telling my sister that if he invited people who were important to us he couldn’t invite people who were important to him. Utter shit but I went.
If you genuinely don’t want a relationship going forward with her don’t go but I would go with my daughter and have photos with my grandmother and in the scheme of things I wouldn’t give a shit how my parents look to others. If you don’t go you will look petty ( in a fucking pandemic). There will be no way back for the relationship and those people saying you will be vulnerable to abuse from them without your husband, what? In an hour and who would cause a scene at a wedding? They would look like tools. Go with your daughter.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 06/09/2020 19:59

I would go by myself.

But.

I would turn up as late as possible to avoid any situation that parents could pretend to be decent human beings. I would give my sister a hug & congratulations and then I'd leave as soon as possible. I'd keep my interactions with others as much as possible. I might - might- take a pic of the bride and tell her it is to show the children.

I wouldn't bother getting a specific outfit, just wear something I have already.

imnotimportant · 06/09/2020 20:11

I wouldn't go
For once Covid is your friend here , use Covid as the reason not to go , blame it onto some Covid rule or regulation be as detailed or vague as you wish and then you don't have a dilemma, drama or a reason to be blamed later on

Thisseatisnotavailable · 06/09/2020 21:05

I'd let her know you had childcare, and would be attending with your Dh. If she objects, it's her choice. You then haven't caused a fall out, your sister asked you not to attend. Easier to move on from.

This 100%

Cruachan31 · 06/09/2020 21:10

Send a refusal, apologising that you are unable to go as ds is too young to be left at home without you. As your dh hasn’t been invited, you would be unable to manage both children at the ceremony and would likely have to take the children out anyway! If the response is that your parents would help with dd, if necessary, just say that as dd hasn’t seen them for so long she would be unlikely to want to have anything to do with them!

Winter2020 · 06/09/2020 21:58

When some posters are pointing out your sister probably won't forgive you for not going to the wedding I already find not visiting your son in over six months unforgivable (unless there is a drip feed like one of you is overseas from the other). On occasion spouces may come and go but the children in your family are for life and family should treat them as important.

Re you not seeing your family at all OP I totally agree with why you don't want your mum babysitting but can't really understand why you can't keep in touch without giving up the care of them. Even in your example when you popped to the loo why not visit with your partner and make sure one of you is always there? I can see how this may have festered and grown impossible by now as time has passed though.

Fifthtimelucky · 06/09/2020 23:52

I would go with my children. Your sister can have only 30 people present. If that includes your sister, her husband to be and the vicar, that leaves 27: 13/14 for each of them to invite.

She wants her 13/14 nearest and dearest to be there. That includes you and your children. It doesn't include your partner (I am assuming you are not married). Presumably she knows him less well than your uncle and aunts. I think the fact she doesn't often see them is no reason not to invite them: weddings are usually lovely occasions to see family members that you don't see otherwise. If your aunts and uncles are all married, perhaps she thinks it is harder to invite only one half of a married couple than it is to invite one half of an unmarried couple.

The stuff with your parents all sounds awful, but that is not your sister's fault.

SBTLove · 06/09/2020 23:57

Why would you even go? Your sister and parents don’t sound there least bit interested in you and your family, she even sacked you a s a bridesmaid!
Just give it a miss; all of you.

Legoandloldolls · 07/09/2020 00:01

Go alone. I wouldnt take just one kid and it sounds to hard work to take such young kids on your own.

She doesnt value you being there so just show up for as long as needed then say you have to get back for the kids.

She might get it one day when she is a mum.

BackforGood · 07/09/2020 00:22

To be fair, we have had a pandemic for 6 months, when households have supposed to be not mixing. Newborn babies fall into the vulnerable category and shouldn't have been visited. I'm not going to judge family who have cared enough to stick to the rules on that one.

Personally, I think - as you say you have not fallen out with your sister - you would regret not going to her wedding.

The whole "the vicar said we can have 31 now" is ridiculous.

I would say the choice is between going alone, leaving both the dc with your dh, or, having a conversation with your sister. Saying that you do understand the restricted numbers, and have every sympathy with how difficult that must be, but you are puzzled as to why Aunt Ethel and Uncle Bert have both made the list, when your dh hasn't, and say you'd like to understand if there is a reason why your dh isn't invited, when other - seemingly more distant - relatives, have been invited as couples.
I wouldn't be taking a 3 yr old and a baby who would have no concept of what they were attending, and, in all likeliness would be disruptive and hard work for you on your own.

SandAndSea · 07/09/2020 00:49

I don't understand why she hasn't invited you and your DP as a couple. I'm wondering if the invitation to you and your DD was meant as a substitute for being bridesmaids. And/or, if it could be because you're not married? I've noticed that people can get a bit traditional about this sort of thing when it comes to weddings and numbers. (That said it wouldn't be my way.)

How do you feel about having a proper chat with your sister about everything? Could you explain to her what's gone on with your parents and how it's been for you? Could you let her know that you'd rather go with your partner?

Just to add that my DP and I have been in similar situations with 2 weddings and a funeral. We didn't go to the weddings at all and I went to the funeral alone, with my partner's blessing.

HappyBumbleBee · 07/09/2020 03:01

I think I'd be not going. WHY is she so desperate for your OH not to be there? Is there more to that?
If you really want to go, go on your own but my concern is if you go on your own there could be an element of ganging up on you while you've no one (OH) to back you up xx

eaglejulesk · 07/09/2020 03:12

I would go with OH and leave the kids at home, but if you don't want to go then don't.

SavingShoes · 07/09/2020 03:51

She isn't permitted to have more than 27 guests as per government regulations.

She, her fiance and vicar makes 30

Nikori · 07/09/2020 04:12

It all sounds very odd, but if I were you, I'd just go alone. A wedding is a long day with a baby and little one in tow.

timeisnotaline · 07/09/2020 04:22

Is there a backstory with her and your dh? Because I’d rsvp great the numbers allow dh and I to come, we have a babysitter and are looking forward to it. Xx
I’d have to write the text/email several times to make myself edit out great the numbers allow dh and I both to attend just like all the cousins partners, I’m glad you were able to agree on some places for your family not just fiancés extended family!

If dh is not allowed no way would my children go ‘they aren’t any good at distancing and i wouldn’t have a chance to say hello to anyone looking after them both on my own.’

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2020 04:32

[quote Toomuchtooyoung01]@wouldbegood
Apparently OH cant go due to the restrictions on guests allowed. I totally understand its hard having to choose guests, and if family who she literally never sees etc weren't attending I wouldn't be as pissed off.
I feel like I'm in a really shit position where I either •go alone and have accusing questions about why I didn't bring my children/how upset my nan is etc I haven't wheeled out the cute children for everyone to look at.
• go with my kids which I feel sends the message their behaviour is acceptable, grit my teeth while my parents act the doting grandparents to an audience
•don't go at all and am forever banished[/quote]
Can you go and see your nan with your dcs? The weather is still good and you could be outside.

As for the wedding, I would go with your dp. Taking your dd is rewarding bad behaviour and if something is said, you do not want to have to be in a position of feeling you need to protect your dd from any animosity.