My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

Ditto. Firmly, but lovingly, tell them the truth.

YABU.
You chose a name that you hoped she would like , and she doesn't.
You just have to accept that she doesn't like it for whatever reason, and now she wants to pick a name that she feels suits her.
This is why I never took part in agonising over my kids' names, reading baby name books, or any of that malarkey. Their dad and I decided on the first names we both liked that didn't have any bad associations or that might have lead to bullying, and that was that. There was no emotional investment on our part, they were told they could change their names if they wanted to (none of them have).

The transition aside, names are such personal things... i think a lot of people gain 'nicknames' as they get older, that essentially become their actual name.

I don't like my name, its not 'me' and use a nickname which pretty much everyone outside my family uses.. i won't change it legally, as its bit of an unusual one (and not very profession tbh, lol) but its 'who' i am in my friendship groups and social circle.

While i know the name is important to you, your child has the right to name themselves whatever they wish to be known as, and you need to grieve and let it go, and embrace the child you have, not the one you imagined.

The thing is, even without the transition issue, sometimes people don't like their names and change them. When you have a child you have to accept that they are an individual with their own hopes, ideas and thoughts.

My mother hates that everyone uses my nickname, but it is how I introduce myself. There was a party and she kept correcting everyone who didn't use my full name until I lost my temper and told her they were all respecting my wishes, while she wasn't.

Tied into all this is probably the grief you have over the transition too and the idea of the life you thought lay ahead for your child. Give yourself time and space to deal with it

“ Ido wish people would not say that the OP has a son now and not a daughter. She doesn't. Her child is a biological female”

Exactly. Some people can’t wait to jump on a bandwagon , fuck how damaging it may be .

The mass transitioning thing is terrifying.

OP, they probably don’t feel like they’ve got any control over their life at the moment, and the name is one you picked for them, so their picking a new name is just a way to feel they have control over their identity. It isn’t anything against you. Explain why you chose the name and ask if they could keep it as a middle name.

I do think our job as parents is to sometimes say, in the nicest possible way, “that’s fucking batshit, don’t be so bloody silly and get on with your maths homework or I won’t run you into town later”

Having grown up with a controlling mother, it was exactly this kind of dismissal of my feelings and the exertion of coercive control over my life (throughout childhood and in various different forms in adulthood) that led me to eventually assert my own boundaries and walk away from her.

@formerbabe

Not going to comment on the trans thing but I think generally teens nowadays are more self obsessed than previous generations...constantly thinking about themselves and their identity and who they are. It's pretty tedious. I'm convinced that it was better in previous decades when they had to work from a young age, earn a living and keep busy. I mean i doubt teenagers in refugee camps, young carers, teen parents etc have much head space to analyse their given name. It's quite indulgent.

I totally agree with this

There's a big difference between dismissing all of your child's feelings and not affirming everything they think they want, irrespective of whether it's physically possible or good for them in the long run.
There's a reason why adults are in charge and make decisions for their DC, while they are still young and their brains are still developing.

There's a big difference between dismissing all of your child's feelings and not affirming everything they think they want

Yes, I agree.

It will hurt at the moment as you said you are grieving , you are entitled to your feelings but remember your child is still alive and kicking and need each other now more than ever , its a life changing transition and i feel you will need counselling good luck to both of you.

@LonginesPrime
“ Having grown up with a controlling mother, it was exactly this kind of dismissal of my feelings and the exertion of coercive control over my life (throughout childhood and in various different forms in adulthood) that led me to eventually assert my own boundaries and walk away from her.”

So what you’re saying is that parents should just assuage to whatever their teenage children say .
Yes great idea for parenting

“ I do think our job as parents is to sometimes say, in the nicest possible way, “that’s fucking batshit, don’t be so bloody silly and get on with your maths homework or I won’t run you into town later”

@LoeliaPonsonby 100% agree. I would really struggle to ‘accept’ a child’s ‘new gender’ which coincidentally is the same new gender as all her friends And they definitely are boys now . What a load of twaddle

We spend so much time choosing the perfect name. Then use it again and again and again. It would be really hard for me if my dd chose a different name, regardless of the circumstances.

Yes, I do secretly feel it was "my job" to bestow names on my children!

Idk if this helps but I have changed my names. No gender complications; I just didn't like it. What I have done is retained one of my names but discarded the remainder. So, I still have at least one of the names my parents chose.

If your child's first name is gender-neutral or can be flexed into a masculine version would they be amenable to retaining it as a middle name eg Taylor or Erik/Erica? Or, if it's a family or heritage name, would they be amenable to including a name from that heritage? I think you'd have to give your child a stronger reason than, "I just liked it," though! Maybe more... you were named for beloved great-aunt Roberta or I gave you a Latina name because I'm proud of my heritage. Otherwise, they have zero reasons to feel overly attached to a name they didn't choose.

But, really, while YANBU to feel upset that your name choice has been discarded, YABU if you feel you control your child's identity for the rest of their lifetime. It's just a name. They're still the same person. x

“ I do think our job as parents is to sometimes say, in the nicest possible way, “that’s fucking batshit, don’t be so bloody silly and get on with your maths homework or I won’t run you into town later”

The problem is that as countless examples show, this approach often just forces children into secrecy.

As your children become older you have less and less control over what they do. You don't have to agree with them, but you can't tell a 15 year old what to believe or how to feel.

So what you’re saying is that parents should just assuage to whatever their teenage children say

No, I'm saying that telling them you're not going to drive them into town if they don't stop moaning about the things that are important to them but you deem silly might help the parent in that moment but isn't going to help the child in the long run.

We're talking about a teenager's name here - obviously they won't be able to change it without parental consent until they're an adult, so it's within the parent's right to refuse consent. But to dismiss their feelings about their own name as silly nonsense and remind them that you're in control seems inappropriate when it's obviously such an important issue to the child.

Can't you just say "that's nice" and leave them to it?

No one is under any obligation to like their name. My middle name is revolting.

May it'll be changed, maybe it won't, but you can't do anything about it so just be nice, be supportive, focus on the good things in life. You can't control everything. You can only control two things - your thoughts and your actions. Let everything else go.

[quote overnightangel]@LonginesPrime
“ Having grown up with a controlling mother, it was exactly this kind of dismissal of my feelings and the exertion of coercive control over my life (throughout childhood and in various different forms in adulthood) that led me to eventually assert my own boundaries and walk away from her.”

So what you’re saying is that parents should just assuage to whatever their teenage children say .
Yes great idea for parenting[/quote]
My mother was also very dismissive of (and frankly, disappointed with) who I was as a teenager, and that's what's led me to try to keep my relationship with my DC at the forefront throughout all of this. My mother and I had and continue to have a terrible relationship. We love each other, and can handle each other in small doses, but we're not close.

There's a difference, I think, between setting boundaries of behaviour for teens and accepting what they see as their current identity. As much as I think the transgender thing is just a "phase" in DC's particular case, it obviously matters a great deal to them and it would definitely cause a rift if I rejected that aspect of their identity -- and worse, I think it would just make their trans identity even more entrenched. This way I don't give them anything to rebel against.

That said, we're already a year into their transition and I've seen a lot of signs recently that indicate it may be coming to an end, so it's a lot easier to be philosophical about it now. DC had always been a very feminine girly-girl until a year ago so there may or may not have been some flat disbelief and some struggles to adjust on my end when the whole thing started. I wish I hadn't taken it so seriously in the beginning, because it made it a "thing". To the poster who said to smile and nod, I completely agree this is the right way to react.

And to the poster who said I'm not grieving, you're absolutely right. I mean, I am, actually, but at the end of the day my beautiful child is still alive and well and happy, and thank God for that.

One last thing, just to clarify because some posters seem (understandably) confused, I handled DC's name change a year ago just fine. It was when they said they'd never go back to their birth name even if they detransitioned that I started to feel the loss.

Ah Elephants I thought of posting that too. Sweet Honey in the Rock sing it as a song, which always makes me cry because it is so true, and so painful to realise!

I completely understand why this is hard for you.
I also wouldn’t be overly surprised if this isn’t for life - your child might decide they are non-binary, or they might fully transition, or they might realise they identify as female.
You will be told a lot of very strong things by lots of people on here, because for some reason that seems to be the done thing at the moment with regards to this topic. I think the danger is with allowing young people to undertake medical transitioning, especially if they do not have dysphoria.

Ultimately, YANBU for being upset about your child changing their name and identity - I can’t imagine that’s easy for anyone.

I think all you can do is just quietly support them whilst also not committing to anything medical - if lots of friends are doing it too then honestly it is unlikely they will all commit to it for life.
I have quite a few friends who are trans, some I thought it was a phase and now they’re fully medically transitioning with surgery after years of living as their preferred gender. Likewise I have another friend who has changed their pronouns several times over the years. I also have friends who use they/them pronouns and haven’t transitioned medically but prefer to present in a more gender fluid way. Questioning your gender identity doesn’t mean that that is a solid transition for life.

I don’t think there’s any easy way through this for you, but you sound like you’re really trying your best which is all anyone can ask.

*Wait, she and all her friends have come out as trans boys?
Are you sure she's not doing this because all her friends are?

It's statistically proven that this is what happens.*

Yes, I've learned that today. I didn't know when I posted this.

I changed my name 20 years ago and my mother still goes on about it, refuses to use my name and tells me how betrayed she feels about me abandoning the name she chose for me so specially. I understand you put a lot of love into the name you chose for your child but ultimately it's up to them whether they like it and use it.
With regards to all their friends coming out it might be that they've gravitated towards each other as kindred spirits rather than some sort of 'fashion statement' ( so much transphobia on this thread). I have a sibling who's trans and nearly all of their secondary school friends fall somewhere on the LGBTQA+ spectrum. They naturally found each other and stuck together because they knew they would get support and understanding. It may be that in future years your son decides he isn't trans but if that does happen you have to accept the name that they choose.

It was when they said they'd never go back to their birth name even if they detransitioned that I started to feel the loss.

I can absolutely understand your hurt, because it seems like a rejection of her old self - and you love all of her, including her old self.

However, even if she chooses a different name (and many people become known by a nick name when they leave home), as she matures its likely that she will become less attached to labels and more able to accept every part of herself, because this is a natural part of growing up.

I think it’s quite disgusting that you can’t use his pronouns properly.