To feel sad I'll never have a daughter

[Tatatatata]

I feel horribly guilty.

I am currently pregnant with a healthy boy. My first child and likely my last due to a few reasons I won't go into here to keep it short!

I know I should be grateful to just even be here at all after everything we've gone through to reach this point but in a way, I can't help but feel a little sad that I'll never have a baby girl.

I don't know why, I just always pictured myself with a daughter. I'm an only child and I love the relationship I have with my mum and worry I'll never experience that the same with a son.

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to meet our boy. I'm just feeling sad that this is likely it now for us and I likely won't ever get the chance to be a mum to a little girl.

I think that in terms of relationships that mums have with their sons, things have changed a lot. I have boys and lots of my friends do. I do loads of stuff with my boys so do my friends. I try to be interested in what they do and I don't mind standing on a wet football field. Any kids activities are boring to watch week in week out. Boys also take care of their appearance, like shopping and cooking etc.. a lot of boy VS girl views seem very old fashioned to me. I have also noticed - but I may be proved wrong -that it is often families where there is one ed each that the mum is with the daughter doing " girly ' things and the dad and son do " boy ' things. If you only have one or the other everyone joins in. That's my experience anyway. Don't worry, bring your boy up to love and respect women and he will love and respect you.

I'm the mum of an only boy. DH and I met late and had a 'miracle' baby so there wasn't ever going to be another.

I was a bit 'oh' when I found out I was carrying a boy. I'd had this dream of doing all the 'mother and daughter' stuff with my girl. Of being with her when she chose her wedding dress (nothing like wishing your child's life away), of being 'mother of the bride'.

Then I realised that, much as a loved my own mum, the thought of going shopping with her or even telling her all my innermost secrets (mother and daughter stuff) was completely alien to me. My mum was the polar opposite of me. Adored her as my mum, but as a friend to do stuff with - no thanks.

I also realised I didn't take my mum wedding dress shopping. I went on my own - no one saw my dress until the day. So that's not a given.

And when I saw the stress my cousin had with her daughter when she was mother of the bride, whilst the bridegroom's mum was so relaxed she was almost horizontal (even though they had helped with the wedding, she didn't have angst when things weren't quite right)

I realised that it's the personalities that make the difference not whether it's a boy or girl.

Our boy is very loving, we were sitting on the sofa an hour ago giggling over something on the TV and having a hug. He confides in me a little more than DH simply because the personalities gel better. But he enjoys the company of both of us. He's incredibly laid back, even though he's hit puberty (if he was like me he'd be having a spinning head at this age)

I've honestly never regretted having an only boy.

I know you feel OP, although I am in the opposite camp. I have two girls, couldn't get pregnant a third time for health reasons and wish I could have had a son. I can't really explain why. Perhaps I just need to stick a concrete reason on the desire for another child! A friend of mine is a single parent to her son and they have a wonderful relationship, very close and loving, so I doubt you will miss out on any closeness or warmth. I agree with PP, that is the personalities that make for the relationship. My MIL told me when I got pregnant that she hoped I had a son as they love their mothers more. Yet now neither of her two sons have much to do with her except to make sure she is safe, warm and fed as her toxic, narcissistic personality has caused so much trouble and upset in their lives. Her constant need for them to prove they loved her more than anyone else has caused a huge rift. Just be a kind and loving mother, you will get the relationship you want. As for standing out by football pitches in the rain and cold, both my daughters ride, so I spend plenty of time in the outdoors, bored to tears, soaked to the skin and wishing I didn't have to drive so I could have a slug of alcohol to give the whole day a rosy glow!

I have 3 boys and a girl. Me and my boys are like best friends.
I felt like you when I didnt think I would have anymore kids then I fell pregnant with my daughter it was weird, I felt kind of flat when I was told I was having a girl, not the way I thought I would feel.

Sons are amazing 💙

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to meet our boy.

The OP also said this @GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat but you haven't acknowledged that at all. I suppose it doesn't fit with your narrative that the OP is some dreadful woman though. You'd rather say that it makes you feel 'sick' or 'queasy' instead.

Hi OP, I'm in the same position as you but I've had 4 boys . I'm also an only child and incredibly close to my mum . All my friends have girls who are now young adults and they all have very special relationships with their daughters. My older boys ( young adults) very rarely ring - Thier girlfriends keep me posted of their well being . I understand your grief for a relationship that you will never have & the reality of not being as close to your grandchildren as the maternal grandparents is also something to deal with. It's just something you will have to deal with. I am now in my 50s and my 4 lovely boys are it for me. Sometimes life can seem unfair but that is life. I am blessed with 4 healthy boys and I keep in mind there are woman who will never be pregnant or raise a child and this gives me the slap when I feel a bit down.

YANBU. It's normal and you shouldn't feel guilty. Boys and girls aren't actually that different IME but it's just a different experience and if it's what you wanted it's ok to feel sad. You need to let yourself grieve for the daughter you wanted, and then, when you've had plenty of time and processed your feelings, you can get excited about the lovely cuddly boy you're having instead.
My little boy is amazingly sweet and loving. I'm sure yours will be too.

I think this is a totally normal feeling. I have two boys and a girl. My DD has special needs and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a daughter who is ‘typical’. But it doesn’t change how much I love her and her brothers and I would never take away her special needs to be that typical daughter. Once your baby gets here you will be besotted and it won’t bother you as much, just crop up from time to time.

I have two boys and a girl. Mr and my daughter get on great but she’s not really into that whole mother daughter shopping thing or pampering.

I get on ok with my my mum, we aren’t close though.

My sons ate definitely more loving and cuddly than my daughter.

I always pictured myself having a girl but once my boy was born I couldn't have loved him more. I went on to have more boys. Hand on heart the thought of having a girl after boys scared me. I dote on my boys and wouldnt change it.

Growing up as the only girl to 4 brothers, I desperately wanted a daughter, it wasn’t to be, I had 3 sons but then I was graced with 5 beautiful granddaughters so I get to do the girly things to with them

Yes to this! It's not so much the child years that I mean. But as an adult, the relationship I have with my mum now, I don't know I just picture it being very different with a boy.

OP, in the kindest possible way, when you think about a mother/daughter relationship, what you are actually thinking about is your relationship with your mother. You would never have had that. With your daughter you would have had a different relationship that was specific to you. It might have been lovely, it might have been horrible, it might have been a bit so-so, but it would never have been a replica of what you had with your own mum.

She might not have liked girly things, you might not have had a lot in common, she might not have been the type for special days out. You might have found you needed to connect in some totally different way that didn't come naturally to you at all. Perhaps even standing out on that football pitch.

I am very, very fond of my mum, but I will admit that I found her expectations of a special relationship with her daughter quite a burden. And again, it was about wanting the past back, about wanting to go back to her relationship with her mum. The problem was, I wasn't her, I wasn't even her mum (though I sometimes felt that was the role I was being pushed into). I wasn't girly, I wasn't interested in pretty things, a shopping trip with her would be my worst nightmare and I always manoeuvred to get out of them.

We have a very close relationship now, but funnily enough it is based on almost exactly the same things as her equally good relationship with her two eldest sons: common intellectual interests, shared hobbies, shared memories, a shared love for the countryside. There is nothing instinctive or natural about my understanding of her, because we're not very alike at all. I would hardly ever react in the same way to a situation as she would. The only one who does have that instinctive understanding of her is my youngest brother.

With my own two children, I am close to them both, but the only one I understand without having to think is my son. With my daughter, it's as if I had to take notes: none of her reactions seem natural to me. Love her, but she's just weird and different My son otoh seems totally normal (=makes sense to me).

I've read that people are defined not by their relationships with their parents but with their siblings, which is probably why most only children I've known in my life are so confident.
I think the fact that you may stick with one child could be the making of your relationship with your DS.

Our first was a boy who was the most adorable baby and toddler, but he really changed when our DD was born three years later. He's always competed with her on a sub-conscious level and spending lengthy time with the two of them can be stressful. But any time she's away on sleepovers etc, he turns into the lovely, soft and warm son I miss. It's very complicated and they're now in their teens.

I have a divorced friend who has one teenage son and they have such a close relationship, and sometimes I feel sad that I don't think I'll ever have that with my son. But you may do OP!

I have plenty of friends with sons and many lament the fact that they don’t have a daughter. However that’s absolutely not saying that you won’t adore your son and once he is born; it’s fair enough that you feel like this now because you haven’t ever met your little boy yet.
I was absolutely desperate for a girl. I was having one child and didn’t find out the sex until they were born. Because I was terrified of being disappointed if they’d said I was having a boy at the scan. However when the baby boy was born and handed to me, I felt only elation. As it happened 30 seconds later I saw that said baby was actually a girl, had confused the umbilical cord and got confused 👱‍♀️ 😳). Probably a good thing I don’t have a son, on reflection.
Point is, there’s nothing wrong with being sad you’ll never have a girl but it is very unlikely that that will affect the lovely relationship you will have with your son. Incidentally my aunt has two adored sons and always wanted a girl. So growing up she took me and my sisters out to lunch and shopping regularly to get her girl fix and is now the best mother in law to her sons wives.

I have boys. Would desperately love to have a girl but would stop after another. Either way I would love one more. Dp doesn't want another. I'm sick of being on the pill after a decade and the toll its taking on my moods and weight gain etc. His on about getting the snip before I can come of it. Hus said that few times last couple years but done nothing about it. I'm sick of taking something that makes me feel crap because he don't want another child.

YANBU.. I have two boys and was feeling really sad when the scan revealed I'd be having a second boy.. But like everyone says, you forget about your wish for a girl when he is in your arms. My boys are Perfect! One if them was really into princesses and dressing up as a toddler so I got my princess moment too, although long gone now. Little boys adore their mums. There's nothing sweeter than the love of a little boy. They tell me all the time how much they love me, kiss me, hug me, stroke me.. And sometimes even fight over me 😂

I think I needed to see this post and replies. Currently 9 weeks pregnant with DC1. Don't know why but always wanted a wee girl.
DH said he'd want to know sex at 20 Week scan but I'm worried that I'll feel disappointed if it's a boy.

Someone I know said she didn't find out because she wanted that sheer feeling of joy when baby was handed to her and so she wouldn't care what sex he/she was (it was a girl for info).

After reading these posts I feel so much more relaxed and don't care if it's a boy or a girl. DH and I will love him/her unconditionally and do our best to have a good relationship with them well into adulthood.

My first was a boy. It's impossible to love anything more than I loved my first baby. You won't care. I went on to have girls and love them all equally now. But that love you have for your firstborn. You won't want him any different to how he is.

My first was a boy. It's impossible to love anything more than I loved my first baby. You won't care. I went on to have girls and love them all equally now. But that love you have for your firstborn. You won't want him any different to how he is.

This ^^ a million times over. You will look back on this thread in a few months time and you'll be a different person.

YABU, but I think what's telling is you've said already that you're worried about him not needing his mum anymore. This is one of those ideas that people insist on spreading with zero concern for how it makes others feel. There's loads of threads on here where posters say 'a son is a son until he meets a wife but a daughter is yours for life'🙄.

It's presented as an inevitability that sons will disappear and prioritise his wife's family, and then there's also threads where lots of posters expect their DHs to pay attention to wife's family and keep his parents at a distance. I think it's likely that those people who push their DH to put his family bottom and favour their family are likely to be the same people saying that sons are never close to their parents once they find a wife. It's batshittery and the sort of thing that all boys should be told is a big fat red flag.

Try to take the view that 'a daughter would have been nice, but I've got a lovely son and will develop a positive bond with them'. Then ignore the nutters.

You will likely cringe at this thread in a few months.

The stereotypical mother/daughter relationship is rarely as you would like to believe.

I know for some people the want a girl thing continues even after they have a baby but I strongly suspect that when he gets here you will be so potty about your little boy that you'll wonder why you ever wanted a girl. I have 2 dds (always wanted girls). Had a third child thought it would be another dd and it was a ds. I fell hook, line and sinker that day. He is the most gorgeous child (8 now), so lovely, caring, funny, sweet. We are close in ways I never imagined. Its very special that mother/son thing.

Despite it being common for women to want a girl you can definitely be very close to your little boy and as they grow up.

I think it’s more unknown before your baby boy is here though.

@WhatamessIgotinto

My first was a boy. It's impossible to love anything more than I loved my first baby. You won't care. I went on to have girls and love them all equally now. But that love you have for your firstborn. You won't want him any different to how he is.

This ^^ a million times over. You will look back on this thread in a few months time and you'll be a different person.

This exactly for me too. I am just as close to my boy as my girls and if I hadn't had them too, our bond would definitely have been enough.

I felt like this when DS was newborn (didn’t find out). It goes. You won’t swap your DS for 1000 girls, I promise.