To feel sad I'll never have a daughter

[Tatatatata]

I feel horribly guilty.

I am currently pregnant with a healthy boy. My first child and likely my last due to a few reasons I won't go into here to keep it short!

I know I should be grateful to just even be here at all after everything we've gone through to reach this point but in a way, I can't help but feel a little sad that I'll never have a baby girl.

I don't know why, I just always pictured myself with a daughter. I'm an only child and I love the relationship I have with my mum and worry I'll never experience that the same with a son.

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to meet our boy. I'm just feeling sad that this is likely it now for us and I likely won't ever get the chance to be a mum to a little girl.

One of each here, girl first.

We were a bit shocked when we found out DC2 was a boy, as we’d sort of imagined having 2 girls, and DC1 having a sister.

DS is the most wonderful little boy, cuddly, quiet and diligently plays with his toys with DD runs amok. I think weirdly one of the things I felt deflated about was boys clothes, as I thought they would be crap and boring to choose. And in some shops they are, but I quickly found places To buy him lovey things, little tartan leggings etc.

We are considering a third, and if I knew it would be a boy I would be more keen!

But you are grieving for a future that won’t happen, I think that’s normal. Let yourself feel sad, it’s fine to be upset at something that won’t happen. But when your little boy is here, in all his chubby, gorgeous glory, you wouldn’t swap him for the world

Ps I have a rubbish relationship with my mum (and a great one with my dad). My MIL has a fab relationship with all three of her sons. I really don’t think that you are more/less likely to have a stronger relationship with them depending on their gender.

It’s that queasy feeling you get when you realise grown women actually have these thoughts about the child they are carrying

MN emoticons really should include a drama llama.

Had three boys, missed buying girlie clothes, jewellery etc. but I have two amazing DILs one of who had two girls so getting my fix now. Small boys are easier if more energetic, but more loving, girls are so independent which makes me laugh.

YANBU but once you’ve got that wee baby in your arms you’ll realise that little person was who you were meant to be a mum to and their sex won’t matter. People don’t love their kids because of their sex, they love them because they’re their children.

Hormones are funny things, probably if you were having a girl you’d feel a pang that you weren’t going to be a mum to a boy, esp as you’re only planning to have one!

I know you know this but when you meet that little boy you would not trade him for all the tea in China!

Don't worry about them growing up fast. A friend who works in nursery told me that it's always the boys clinging to their mums on the first day! I know this is only anecdotal but my DP is closer to his mum now as adults than I am to mine. And I also have a lovely relationship with MIL which my mum does not have with DP. So she is closer to our family unit as a whole.

You never know, you might find that in future you have granddaughters, as I have.

Yes! My sister’s ILs had 4 boys and now have 7 granddaughters!

I have both and the individual variation is far more significant than the sex difference. I love all of them but they are very different personalities and interests.

Closest in temperament to me is one of the boys, second is one of the girls.

Its not uncommon to experience some passing disappointment at a notion of "what might have been" but for most women its rapidly overtaken by the joy "that is'. I wouldn't worry, and nor is it anything to feel bad about. Its just you at this moment in timie.

Oh also yes, don't forget in time there will probably be partners and DGC!

@thewhitechair

I’m exactly the same with my mum. I think she longed for that ‘girly’ relationship with her daughter but had no idea how to cultivate it and we are very different people. We don’t have a close relationship at all. Certainly no wedding dress shopping, lunch dates etc. I think it’s a real disappointment to her.

@QueenofmyPrinces I had to double check that you hadn't copied one of my previous posts and put it here!

I wrote almost word for word your post in another one of these threads from years back.
I too found out I was having DS2 at 22 weeks and shed tears not because I was sad to have another son, but grieved a little for the daughter I would never had.

I also said to DH that if we were to have a third now, I'd want another boy!!

But I also know that as soon as OP has that baby boy in her arms, she will fall so head over heels in love that all other love will pale in comparison.

I have 2 girls when I was pregnant with my 2nd we desperately wanted a bit so we had one of each. Our scan told us we had a girl and I knew there would be no more and was desperately sad. I cried.

When my daughter was born she was almost angelic like on Entering the world and so beautiful I honestly had to catch my breath.

Now honestly if someone offered me a hundred boys just to give her up I’d say you can stick your 100 boys I have all the blessings with my daughter.

Trust me you’ll feel the same xxx

its a fantasy. My relationship with my daughter is not really the same as its ever been with my mum. Shes much more of a daddies girl, even though I wouldnt say we arent close, but I dont "get" her the way I get my oldest son for example.
Nothing to be sad about with a boy. Theres very little difference with parenting a boy and a girl that you wouldnt necessarily see with two of the same sex anyway.

YANBU to feel sad that you won't have a daughter, if you really wanted one - but sons are lovely too.

I have 2 sons - with no.2 I wasn't sure which way I wanted it to go, whether a girl would be nice to have 1 of each, or whether 2 boys would be better for hand me downs, same toys, I've done this before so it should be easier 2nd time - these kind of things. I was completely ambivalent! I was a touch "oh well" when it turned out he was a boy, but not sad at all. I have had moments of "look at all these beautiful dress-ups that I'll never need to buy", mostly when DS2 was a toddler - but mostly I couldn't care less.

In all honesty, probably my biggest fear would have been to have had a girly girl who was totally into pink, makeup, dressing up, heels, hair etc. etc - all things I'm not at all into (except for dressy evenings out, then I stun and amaze my acquaintance with the transformation! ) - so at least I don't have that to deal with.

The other thing is that I too was a disappointment to my mother in terms of our relationship - we didn't understand one another, I was "daddy's girl" and she was very stand-offish with me. She got on better with my sister, they're more similar. The other problem was, as the first born, she wanted me to be a boy, because she had always wanted an older brother (only child). So I felt that disappointment in many ways, and I hope you can avoid that with your son.

There are always going to be pros and cons with either sex of child - but you'll love your little boy like nothing else when he comes out and, even though he's not a girl, he will be your baby and you must never let him think that you are disappointed he's not female - and hopefully by the time he's born, you won't be!

Who is to say that you would have the same relationship you have with your mother with your daughter? You could have a difficult relationship with a daughter, but a brilliant one with a son

Focus on wha5 you have, not what you don’t.

It’s that queasy feeling you get when you realise grown women actually have these thoughts about the child they are carrying. Disappointed before they’ve even taken breath. Horrid.

Are you hard of reading or comprehension? That's not what OP is saying (nor the rest of us) at all.

Nobody is disappointed in the child they're carrying. They're sad about an experience they will never have. Two completely separate things.

I was sad when I found out DS2 was a boy, NOT because he was a boy but because I was sad that I would not have a daughter. Two completely separate thoughts and feelings.

YANBU
I completely get how you feel

I do wish this sexist myth about boys being more affectionate and loving would die a death. Not all boys are like that, and most girls I’ve ever known are. Again, it’s personality, not sex. But to suggest girls are inherently less loving is misogyny

This.

I also feel a little sad when people say they can’t pass down toys when they have another child of the opposite sex. I know someone who had a little boy then a baby girl a few years later, she was selling some of her sons old train sets- really lovely and in great condition- because she’d kept them aside ‘in case she’d had a boy’ I just found the logic that her little girl definitely wouldn’t want to play with a train set when she was older a bit bizarre. She also sold her sons old bumbo seat because it was blue.

I have 2 sons and 1 daughter , she is my youngest and still a child , my sons are 21/23 , i have loved raising them all and i hope the closeness i share now with my daughter is always the same .
However she will become independent as my sons are now and who knows where her life will lead her.
My mother has 2 daughters and 1 son , he is the middle child , me and my sis joke that he is her favourite , i think he is the closest to my mom and they do lots together .
Enjoy your boy.

Daughters are lovely, but my two are so different. My eldest is like my best friend but my younger daughter is the most ungrateful so and so. My son is a lovely kind sensitive person.

Eldest has moved away and has settled with her partner but my son is great company. Youngest daughter won't watch a film with me where as my son will ask if there's anything we can watch. Youngest daughter is only interested in going places if there's something in it for her.
YANBU OP
I always wanted 2 girls and one boy.

I felt just like you when pregnant with ds1, I'm ashamed of how I felt when I found out I was having a ds as I was so so wrong. I am from a family of all girls and to be honest, the way certain members of my family reacted to the boy news didnt help my feelings and now years down the line I realise that I actually like them a little less for that. Anyway, you will find that once you have your boy you will love him more than anything and you would not change him for the world. The mother son relationship is truly just as wonderful as mother daughter. I went on to have another son and I knew by that point just how ace it was and was delighted. I would still have liked a dd just to dress but I know that's a bit stupid as they aren't dolls.

I get it, Op. When I was pregnant with now 12yo DS, I could NOT imagine life with a little boy. My only experience was girls and I couldn't really see myself as a "boy mum," whatever that is... Roll on nearly 13 years later, and I couldn't imagine myself with a daughter. Having a boy has been so much fun. He's not a football or rugby type, so I have very little freezing sideline experience (I'm snug and warm poolside most weeks!) But apart from his aversion to shopping (let's face, I don't particularly care for it either) I have had the most fun hanging out with him, from video games, to Lego, dinosaurs, Nerf gun fights, etc. Things you CAN do with a daughter, as well, I should say.

Although to comment on the only child thing. I too am an only child, as is DS. I have much closer relationship with my son now, than I think I ever did with my mother growing up. I'm somewhat close with my parents, despite living thousands of miles from them, but the relationship is definitely different than the one I have with my own child (at least, the way I see it now...)

I have one of each and honestly their sex makes no difference. Both of them are wonderful in different ways.

I was nervous about having boys (only have a sister and all my cousins except one are girls) but it’s bloody amazing - I have 2. I have a dd too - she’s amazing as well. I personally haven’t found a big difference between parenting boys and parenting girls - dh and I love them, they love us, we all hang out together (don’t divide into ‘boys’ and ‘girls), there the odd minor drama as in every family.