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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad I'll never have a daughter

184 replies

Tatatatata · 05/09/2020 11:56

I feel horribly guilty.

I am currently pregnant with a healthy boy. My first child and likely my last due to a few reasons I won't go into here to keep it short!

I know I should be grateful to just even be here at all after everything we've gone through to reach this point but in a way, I can't help but feel a little sad that I'll never have a baby girl.

I don't know why, I just always pictured myself with a daughter. I'm an only child and I love the relationship I have with my mum and worry I'll never experience that the same with a son.

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to meet our boy. I'm just feeling sad that this is likely it now for us and I likely won't ever get the chance to be a mum to a little girl.

OP posts:
MaryShelley1818 · 05/09/2020 12:37

OP you are not unreasonable, your feelings are yours and not something you can control. I had my first child 2.5yrs ago, I was an older mother and it was more than likely to be my only child.
I secretly wanted a little girl, mostly for superficial reasons tbh, the clothes, the toys, my love of Disney princesses (yes I know how stupid that sounds and cringe now). When I found out he was a boy I felt overwhelmingly relieved he was healthy and so happy, but also a little sad about the loss of the daughter I imagined....I wistfully looked at little dresses for a few days.
More importantly though I got over it sooo quickly, totally embraced being a boy mam and I adore my DS. He is perfect, he is the funniest, smiliest most beautiful little soul and I love him more than anything. He's my little bestie and loves his Mammy so much. He does love Superheroes and dinosaurs and being rough but he also loves his kitchen, buggy, and Frozen dolls.
I'm currently 17wks pregnant with our second baby (huge and very happy surprise) I'd have loved another gorgeous little boy, we chose a boy name and I imagined DS with a little brother! I'd been looking at cute little outfits too. We found out on Wednesday she's actually a little girl and were completely shell shocked. We're over the moon but can say hand on heart we'd have been just as happy with another boy.

NaNaNaNaNaNaBaNaNa · 05/09/2020 12:37

I've had all of the biological children I want, and don't think my body could take another pregnancy.

I'm strongly considering adopting a pre-school child in a few years, if circumstances allow it. I'd love to give a home to a child in need as my own mum was adopted and given a great life.

Maybe I'll get my daughter that way, or maybe another little boy will find me. We shall see. 😊

MatildaTheCat · 05/09/2020 12:40

YANBU and wouldn’t if it was the other way round. I have no sisters or daughters although I have awesome brothers and sons. It’s not wrong to feel a little sad. It would be wrong to be disappointed with the child you have but that’s totally different.

Perhaps hard to explain if you’ve never experienced it.

I would say that I have a number of extraordinarily good female friends that fill this gap pretty well.

Original poster
Tatatatata · 05/09/2020 12:41

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

Only meant to copy my own post not half the thread, sorry! I've asked for it to be deleted
I've commented on it too. I'm not sure where that poster has got my desire for spa days and to be mother of the bride etc etc... From? I've not mentioned either of those things once Confused
OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 05/09/2020 12:42

This actually makes me feel sick.

Peony9876 · 05/09/2020 12:43

I am much closer to my MIL than my mum. Maybe one day your son will marry and you can have that mother/daughter bond with your daughter in law.

kiwiblue · 05/09/2020 12:43

Men are far more likely to leave the family unit when their offspring are solely female.

Wow, I've never heard this statistic!

OP, I do know how you feel and I think it is reasonable (I had similar thoughts when pregnant with DC2, we didn't find out the sex before birth but I was thinking about what it would be like to have two boys, and it didn't help that there was a lot of pressure from other people that I "should" want a girl as I already had a boy). However, my husband is closest to his mum out of his three siblings so I think there is no reason you can't have a close relationship as adults. A PP made a good point about maybe having granddaughters eventually too!

Original poster
Tatatatata · 05/09/2020 12:43

@ShalomToYouJackie

I'm PG after a miscarriage last year and I always thought I'd want a girl but right now, I'd be happy just to have a healthy baby regardless of their sex.
I've been struggling with fertility for years, including miscarriages. I am very thankful to be having a healthy baby trust me.

I think this actually more stems from the fact that I likely won't ever have another baby after this and that makes me sad. I feel bad for that, but it does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tatatatata · 05/09/2020 12:44

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

This actually makes me feel sick.
Why? I've said a few times now this does not mean I'm not happy to be having my son.
OP posts:
MrsMcMuffins · 05/09/2020 12:45

A daughter does not guarantee you a strong mother -daughter bond. I am close to both my sons and daughter. My boys have both been more affectionate than my daughter and she is the more independent one who is talking about travelling and living abroad. I am going to say YABU because I don’t understand why anyone thinks you cannot be as close to sons as to daughter and as adults they are free to live their own lives maybe far away in another country.

Duggeeismysaviour · 05/09/2020 12:46

Whenever we picture a future with excitement/anticipation, and reality pans out differently, it can be difficult to not feel sad. For some people it will be fleeting, others it could mount to a real sense of loss, for which they must almost grieve.

I would just be very matter of fact with yourself about it OP. There is little point in people saying oh boys are great, closer to mums, girls can be tricky etc, because every child is different and they cant speak for your real or imagined future

So, give yourself a little pre-set time to really grieve for your imagined future with your imagined girl, then try to put it to rest. You know you will be happy and your son will be irreplaceable.

Original poster
Tatatatata · 05/09/2020 12:47

I agree this is all ideas in my head that likely wouldn't turn into reality anyway. I do understand that.

OP posts:
PCol · 05/09/2020 12:47

is this a wind up troll trying to get all the mother's o boys to bite? there's been so many recently and they're so pathetic they can't really be true.

Ishihtzuknot · 05/09/2020 12:47

I understand how you feel and it’s nice to read the other comments with no judgement or rudeness as usually seen on here.
My aunt felt the same as you and having 6 nieces made it harder for her, but now her son is an adult she has her daughter in law and feels content as they’re so close.
I have daughters and would have loved a son, but I look forward to the day I have grandchildren and possibly get a grandson. The feelings will pass when your baby is born. Plus you’ll save a fortune on dresses and the crap ‘girls’ toys Wink

VinylDetective · 05/09/2020 12:48

I always wanted a daughter and will always be sad she didn’t arrive in my life. I particularly felt the loss when my mum died. I’m deeply envious of women who have daughters.

WhatamessIgotinto · 05/09/2020 12:48

I have one of each and they are both very loving. DS is 16 and a very affectionate lad.

Original poster
Tatatatata · 05/09/2020 12:48

@PCol

is this a wind up troll trying to get all the mother's o boys to bite? there's been so many recently and they're so pathetic they can't really be true.
Bite in what way? I asked a question. Answers are welcome from mother's of boys or girls or people without children, or whoever posts on MN.
OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 05/09/2020 12:52

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

This actually makes me feel sick.
Don't be silly. You may disagree with the OP of course and not understand her point of view, but I very much doubt that it makes you 'feel sick'. I hardly think you're retching at the thought of another woman feeling a bit sad about something.
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 05/09/2020 12:53

Why? I've said a few times now this does not mean I'm not happy to be having my son.

Because the epitome of you becoming a mother would be having a daughter. This is not fulfilled by you becoming a mother of a son. You feel incomplete in a way that the reverse situation would not bring.

Would you be posting this thread about being sad that you’ll never become the mother of a son of you were carrying a girl?

ittooshallpass · 05/09/2020 12:53

I get it OP, I really wanted a girl too - I could only ever have 1 baby and didn't think I'd know how to parent a boy - I got my baby girl and was so happy.

She has turned out to be hard-core tomboy. Not a ribbon or dress in sight! If you came to my house and looked around you would assume I had a boy.

So I haven't had quite the experience I had dreamed about. But you know what? I love my daughter so so much; she jokes that I got a boy and a girl rolled into one when I had her.

Pinkdelight3 · 05/09/2020 12:54

I've got two boys, neither into football/sports, both very loving and still hold my hand/need cuddles into their early teens with no sign of needing me less. More if anything! One is more like my DH, the other is more like me, but they are entirely their own people too with no hang ups about what boys or girls should be like. It's natural to let your fears and fantasies run away with you at this stage, but whatever your DC is like, you'll likely learn more from them than they will from you so try to let go of all preconceptions and be open for the experience.

nanbread · 05/09/2020 12:54

So, give yourself a little pre-set time to really grieve for your imagined future with your imagined girl, then try to put it to rest. You know you will be happy and your son will be irreplaceable.

This is great advice. It's ok to feel sad about it, best to sit in your feelings for a few days and process it so you can move past them.

You don't know what curveballs parenting will throw you... I really wanted a girl too but don't and won't have one and am ok with that now. I'm not that close to my mum so don't mourn that relationship, and actually I'm thankful now I'm less likely to project my own shit onto a son than a daughter.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/09/2020 12:55

I think I'm just desperate to recreate the closeness I share with my mum now as an adult. In reality, we never really got on when I was growing up and I stayed living with my dad when they divorced

So, your relationship with your mum wasnt great? but that could happen again if you had a daughter surely- there is no guarantee you're going to be best chums is there?- you might have the exact same, difficult relationship you did with your own mother.

In my experience, parent- child relationships of the opposite sex seem to be far less fraught and difficult. All the women I know have difficult relationships with their mums and get on much better with their dads and vice versa with sons. Its something Ive wondered about as Ive seen it so often that it stands out a lot.

Standrewsschool · 05/09/2020 12:55

I’ve got two boys and love them to bits, but that doesn’t stop me, every so often, wishing I had a girl as well. Funnily enough, not so much when they are younger, but now they’re older, my friends go on girly shopping trips with their teens and that would be nice.

However, haven’t missed the pink, barbie, having to tie plaits Etc.

I know you’ll enjoy being a mum to your gorgeous son, but that doesn’t stop you lamenting what it would have been like with a girl.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 05/09/2020 12:56

Don't be silly. You may disagree with the OP of course and not understand her point of view, but I very much doubt that it makes you 'feel sick'. I hardly think you're retching at the thought of another woman feeling a bit sad about something.

Feeling sick doesn’t mean retching Hmm

It’s that queasy feeling you get when you realise grown women actually have these thoughts about the child they are carrying. Disappointed before they’ve even taken breath. Horrid.

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