To feel sad I'll never have a daughter

[Tatatatata]

I feel horribly guilty.

I am currently pregnant with a healthy boy. My first child and likely my last due to a few reasons I won't go into here to keep it short!

I know I should be grateful to just even be here at all after everything we've gone through to reach this point but in a way, I can't help but feel a little sad that I'll never have a baby girl.

I don't know why, I just always pictured myself with a daughter. I'm an only child and I love the relationship I have with my mum and worry I'll never experience that the same with a son.

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to meet our boy. I'm just feeling sad that this is likely it now for us and I likely won't ever get the chance to be a mum to a little girl.

Well if you were having a girl you might feel sad that you'd never experience the mother son bond. I'm sorry but if you are only having one that is one of those things.

One thing I would say is I have 4 kids, both sexes and the big differences are personality not sex.

Boys don't grow up quicker, if anything they like being looked after by mummy.
My brother is 30+ and still gets mummied.
I have one daughter, one son, my son is definitely more loving and he likes spending time with me. Daughters are difficult, or maybe that's just mine!

I get it, I’ve been there, but just you wait until you meet him. It’s amazing.

drama maybe that is the difference, daughters will often still go to their mothers even after marriage (I know I do) most/many men will usually confide in their wives once married as the first port of call?

Oh the other thing is you can have these feeling with your last child even if you have a few, with my fourth I can remember feeling overwhelmed with sadness one day when I was carrying him somewhere. He was a toddler and as I carried him his hand was at the back of my neck and he was playing with my hair. I suddenly felt this terrible sadness, like a physical attack, that I would never experience that again once he was too big to carry.

Motherhood comes with joy and pain.

Just be patient, you might get girls later. We dearly love our daughter in law and grand-daughter.

My boy is the needy clingy one I'll probably have to forcibly evict from home sometime in his thirties. My girl is little miss independent I-don't-need-you.

Oh and he's my eldest too.

I think it’s incredibly common to feel like this and you shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s completely different to mourn the loss of an imagined girl as opposed to saying you don’t want a boy- you’re clearly not saying that at all.

I also wanted a girl and struggled at the time to articulate why- I’m not bothered about clothes or spa days, can’t do hair to save my life, was never interested in princessy things, don’t have any great desire to be mother of the bride (couldn’t care less if she marries or not, that’s completely up to her!). I think as you’ve said, it’s more the idea of an adult relationship with a daughter, I have only sisters and am so close to them, and to my Mum.

I had a DD first and then a DS. My DS is still very little, but oh my goodness I can’t imagine life without that little boy. Because I had no brothers, no male cousins, not really even any close male friends, I just had no frame of reference for male relationships (other than DH!), and it’s suddenly now really exciting to have this intense love for this gorgeous little boy and look forward to all the things we’ll share together growing up, I honestly can’t wait! DD and DS are different in lots of ways but just down to who they are rather than their sex, I adore them both! You will honestly be fine OP, and you won’t be missing out by not having a girl, I bet you look at this thread in a year and feel so differently!

Oh and I have one of each, and as a pp said, I often get those pangs that I won't have another newborn/bf another baby/have one fall asleep in my arms.

Then one of them comes and and smiles at me and I remember how lucky I am :) all children are perfect.

My DS is an adult and we are still very close. I get that you want an adult daughter bond but I never had that with my DM and you may have not if you had a girl. I loved parenting my DS.

Both girls and boys are wonderful. Statistically it is less likely for sons to be close to their mothers when they are older (‘mummy’s boy’ is a slur, not a compliment, sadly) but there are definitely many exceptions.

I agree that personalities play the biggest part in relationships.

But as a mother of both boys and a girl I do wish this sexist myth about boys being more affectionate and loving would die a death. Not all boys are like that, and most girls I’ve ever known are. Again, it’s personality, not sex. But to suggest girls are inherently less loving is misogyny.

As you’ve already acknowledged - this is about your sadness about having just one child, not about disappointment over not having a daughter. You’ve said you think you’d feel the same way about a son if you’d found out you were having a little girl. So this is nothing to do with your unborn child’s sex, really. I don’t know what your reasons are for only having one but I thunk that’s what you need to focus on coming to terms with.

When your perfect little boy is here you will wonder what on Earth you were thinking, caring about whether you had a boy or a girl. I thought I wanted a girl, had a boy and now I look back and laugh at how I could have been remotely bothered.

Children - boys or girls - are wonderful. Congratulations.

I have 3 girls, 1 boy and I often think 4 boys would have been easier 🤣
Cherish your wee boy and be glad you have him, many never will.

@Friendsoftheearth

drama maybe that is the difference, daughters will often still go to their mothers even after marriage (I know I do) most/many men will usually confide in their wives once married as the first port of call?

Personally, my experience has been that my ex consults his parents (and usually his mum, unless it’s DIY related) on everything. Whereas I’d rather consult a lamppost than my mother in anything really.

It’s not an inevitability that girls will be close to their mothers and boys won’t.

On sports: it’s my experience that there are plenty of parents of girls driving their DDs to early morning swim training and spending boring weekends in the viewing galleries of swimming pools. Or doing similarly dismal hours with gymnasts or footballers. There’s always a way to have your life taken over by a child of either sex being quite good at or just loving something or other. 😂

Motherhood comes with joy and pain.

This, completely. I have 3 and every stage that passes is bittersweet in so many ways, especially as my youngest goes through them and I know they’re gone forever. It’s all part of it - motherhood is basically one long process of letting them go, bit by bit, and it pulls on the heart.
I get where you’re coming from OP. When my youngest was born I was so thrilled with her, but I felt sad for DS that he’ll never have a brother. He might have hated a brother, and he’s never once said anything about wanting one. It’s just the nature of people to wonder about the ‘what ifs’. But when your DS arrives you’ll be so wrapped up in him you’ll not have the time to miss what you haven’t got. It’s absolutely magical and it’s all waiting for you. You’ll be fine

If it's any consolation, she would probably have been nothing like your imagination - every child is her/his own person and we can never predict what our relationship with them will be like, or that they will enjoy the same things that we do.

I have one of each, and they are both lovely, but neither is what I expected.

You know that you are going to love your sone to bits! That's all you need.

Wishing you a good pregnancy, an easy birth and a healthy baby.

Ps forgot to say - DH is super close to his mum, speaks to her all the time (more than I talk to mine!) and I also love her to bits. We get on brilliantly and I know she thinks of me as the daughter she didn’t have. Plus she now has a crowd of grandchildren that she gets to enjoy all the fun bits of before she hands them back to us once they get tired and grumpy

YABU - I have one of each and definitely have found my son the easiest so far (young adults).

Having a daughter doesn’t always guarantee shared shopping trips, spa visits etc. I did take her to a spa after GCSEs and she said that it wasn’t her 😢😢. She hates dressing up, etc, although to be fair I am not a dress person! Oh, and she is the footballer in our family, not DS!

I clashed a lot with my mum even as an adult, DD and I are very similar so clash too, although that is easing as she matures and our relationship is improving.

DS is v like DH, much calmer, similar sense of humour and very close to us. He’s currently home post uni and spends far more time with us than DD (both work varying hours in retail).

OP I have four sons, (2 sons, then my longed for daughter turned out to be twin boys).
I envied my sister with her daughter, however I have 3 fabulous DIL's all very different, but all lovely who I love to spend time with.
Enjoy your son

I've got a son and a daughter and I have the same close relationship with both of them.DS and I had a couple of overseas holidays together when he was in his late teens and early 20s(DH isn't keen on flying).
DS now has his own house and we still speak most days.

I have one of each, and they are equally lovely, albeit in different ways (although that could just be because they are different children!).

I think boys can be really loving and affectionate and so cute and funny. Mine isn’t really into football and that sort of thing yet, and might never be. He likes outdoorsy things (as well as singing, dancing and art) but hasn’t discovered team games in a big way yet.

If you still feel awful about it after you’ve had the baby there’s nothing wrong with some counselling to help you through.

Ps - Congratulations!

Feelings arent always logical.
Congratulations on your pregnancy after so much heartbreak. I'm sure your little boy will fill up your heart and motherhood will bring many joys you can't even yet imagine. It really is a wonderful thing, and my experience is that your relationship with your children is with them as individuals, not as boys or as girls.

Oh yes and my dd at 11 is very determinedly against shopping and “girly” clothes!

I have two boys and am definitely not having any other babies. I am also sad about never having a daughter. But my sons mean everything to me and I would not change them for anything. From the moment they were born they were perfect as they were.
I think it’s useful to “compartmentalise” the desire for a daughter. I have done and over time have learnt to put it to one side. But for me it doesn’t in any way interfere with my love for my sons.
I’m sure you’ll feel the same way once your son is born. Boys are ace.

I think you can end up with worse disappointment if you do get the ‘longed-for’ daughter who then doesn’t fulfil the set idea you had in your head.

I am my mums only daughter and we are not particularly close, I don’t live nearby and we get on fine but just don’t have that ‘mother-daughter relationship’ people seem to go on about because we are just very different. There was also certainly none of the ‘shopping for a wedding dress’ or ‘lunch dates’ that get mentioned.

I agree there are and can be differences but I think gender disappointment is often built on these set ideas of what having a son or daughter will be like, and very often it’s not reality.