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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Find a man without children is the holy grail.

326 replies

Adviceneeded20 · 05/09/2020 10:58

One of my closest friends said to me this morning that finding a man without children in your 40s is like finding the holy grail of relationship goals.

I was telling her about little things that niggle me about DP (who is wonderful to be fair) and she said that I’m lucky I’ve found a man with no DC and that i need to make it work because I’ve found the holy grain Hmm

Is she right?

YANBU - finding a man with no DC is the holy grail.

YABU - who cares if he has children or not.

OP posts:
Decentsalnotime · 05/09/2020 17:11

If someone doesn’t want children

Then no - they are highly unlikely to make a good partner to a single parent with young children with primary residency.

It is odd to think otherwise

Just like I wouldn’t make a good dog owner because I don’t want a dog

Emmie12345 · 05/09/2020 17:22

Agree

If me and dp ever split I would seek a man without children

emilybrontescorsett · 05/09/2020 17:28

Some bizzare opinions on here. I would much rather people didn't have children than just went along with it to keep their partner happy. Within my close circle of friends 3 of us have children one doesnt. Of the 3 who do they are all re- married. 2 out of the 3 married childfree men.
I also think that the majority of men who are in their early 40s and have children will have young children. They are unlikely to have older grown up children.

WendyHoused · 05/09/2020 17:50

I wouldn't date a man with children unless his and mine were adults.

I would not foist new siblings on my children in their teens. I don't think it would be fair on them.

TorgosPizza · 05/09/2020 17:53

Obviously this depends on the woman and what she wants in life.

--Taking on the role of stepmother can be challenging.

--Children will force more interactions with his ex, which can be unpleasant if you don't all get along well.

--If a woman wanted children but hasn't been able to have them, she might be unhappy having a husband/partner who does have kids. (Could be a positive if she becomes an involved SM or a negative if it's just a constant reminder of her own sadness over what could have been.)

--From a purely selfish point of view, children generally take a lot of time, money, and attention and leave you with less freedom to do as you please. Some women might not want to share their boyfriend or husband with children from a previous relationship. It's better for everyone if they avoid men who have kids!

Ultimately, it should be one factor among many to take into consideration.

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/09/2020 17:59

In my experience men in their 40s who don’t have kids either want their own (and so wouldn’t tolerate a woman the same age or one kids of their own), or are wealthy and want to live a bachelor lifestyle with lots of casual relationships with women half their age.

Neversayn1 · 05/09/2020 18:08

@EleanorOalike

*Why are you taking things out of context. There’s no need at all.

As a mum I gave my view (in my own opinion). I also stated there’s pros and cons to both.

See the bigger picture.*

Because in the context you used it alarming is just horrible. A person in their 40s doesn’t have children and that somehow suggests danger? Cause for concern? It’s worrying?
That’s what alarming means. Your post seemed to suggest that childless over 40s automatically present some sort of risk.

No. You have misunderstood. I was speaking as a woman and I was actually referring to men not women in all honesty. I have said a few times I’m not going to repeat myself because you have chosen to interpret my post the way you think I meant. It’s my opinion you don’t have to agree.
IcedPurple · 05/09/2020 18:12

@HappenedXo

I really changed when I had children- it made me grow up. For this reason I’d avoid a man in his 40s without them. I’d suspect he was a bit immature and selfish. I don’t mean selfish for choosing not to have children ( I think that is in many ways a sensible choice) but simply because he’ll not have gone through the seismic shift in priorities that being a parent involves. It just wouldn’t attract me.
This doesn't make any sense.

You say you won't date a childfree man because he might be 'immature and selfish'. But at the same time his alleged 'selfishness' would not be because he chose not to have children? So which is it?

SecretSpAD · 05/09/2020 18:13

was speaking as a woman and I was actually referring to men not women in all honesty

That really doesn't make it better. You are accusing men in their 40's of being abusers and that's so narrow minded, disgusting, inaccurate and insulting that it's beyond words.

Neversayn1 · 05/09/2020 18:16

@SecretSpAD I didn’t suggest anything of the sort. I don’t know why you are getting on the defence.

It’s the same for single mothers some may not want the baggage or the responsibility.

StatementKnickers · 05/09/2020 18:17

@DeeTractor

"there's no real downside to having children for men like there is for women (health risks, impact on career etc)"

So they should just have them anyway because... just because? Never mind the potential impact on the children of having a distant, disinterested (if not just completely absent) father who never actually wanted them to start with. Yes, I can see how that's not selfish. 🙄

No... I prefer men who are family-minded so would be put off by a man who'd had the opportunity to have kids and chosen not to. I can more easily understand women not wanting to have children because of the risks and sacrifices involved, even in a long-term committed relationship. It's not about having them "just because" or thinking everyone should have children, it's that I personally would rather be with the sort of person who wanted to. If I'd met someone when I was young enough to start a family, I certainly would have wanted babies.
CorvusPurpureus · 05/09/2020 18:28

Depends.

I'm 49 with 3 teenagers. My 'holy grail' would be a man of similar age or a bit older, with grown up kids/teens & a long settled separation.

I'd be mildly suspicious of a chap my age without kids (just doesn't like kids? hasn't ever been in a long term relationship in half a century?).

Nowt wrong with either scenario, but I'd worry that he & my lot just wouldn't mix well. So fine for a fling, obviously, but for anything more serious it would be an issue. Infertility, fine. Doesn't like dc & never wanted any, well, that's probably not going to work long term. Hasn't ever found the right partner or been in a LTR - 🧐, good chance he's not very good at relationships, then.

I'm absolutely not looking to blend families at this stage, but it'd be a prerequisite that any partner was on friendly terms with my dc - & I'd equally expect things to be conditional on my being 'approved of' by his. Life's too short to spend one's middle years dealing with partner v offspring drama, from either side.

Fuckairbnb · 05/09/2020 18:30

Tonight my DPs ex rang bleating that her babysitter had let her down.

We’d planned on going out and I insisted that came first. I’m always the priority and he knows it. The minute I’m not I’ll show him the door.

Bubbletrouble43 · 05/09/2020 18:31

Met loads of wankers over 40 without children then met dp who is ( overall) perfect and fabulous and has 3 kids. My holy grail is someone kind, funny, hardworking, and good in bed. And I found it.

TableFlowerss · 05/09/2020 18:33

@Fuckairbnb

Tonight my DPs ex rang bleating that her babysitter had let her down.

We’d planned on going out and I insisted that came first. I’m always the priority and he knows it. The minute I’m not I’ll show him the door.

You’re always his priority, even over his children?
Fuckairbnb · 05/09/2020 18:34

Yep. I’m never second best.

SerenDippitty · 05/09/2020 18:37

I'd be mildly suspicious of a chap my age without kids (just doesn't like kids? hasn't ever been in a long term relationship in half a century?).

Not having kids doesn't preclude having been in a long term relationship.

MadameBlobby · 05/09/2020 18:39

Jeez you sound like a right princess @Fuckairbnb. Hope he wakes up and finds someone nicer and less high maintenance soon. I don’t think I could respect a man that put me ahead of his kids either.

That said I don’t see why he’d have had to step in as a substitute babysitter tonight when he already had plans. The ex would have to suck it up.

CorvusPurpureus · 05/09/2020 18:47

@SerenDippitty

I'd be mildly suspicious of a chap my age without kids (just doesn't like kids? hasn't ever been in a long term relationship in half a century?).

Not having kids doesn't preclude having been in a long term relationship.

I agree, he might well have been married or in multiple LTRs, but if none of those resulted in having a family I'd work on the basis that either a) he was actively averse to the idea or b) he'd tended to move on quite fast. Or, potentially, c) where he'd wanted children & it didn't happen. Which is different.

I dated a man for a bit last year who was 100% certain he'd never wanted kids or anything to do with anyone else's, including his girlfriend's.

That's absolutely & completely fine, & he was lovely - clever, funny & attractive. I'm sure he's found someone on the same page to go out with since, & good luck to them!

But he wasn't up for ANY contact with my dc (wouldn't come over for a bbq or go out to the cinema, never mind holidaying with us). Again, absolutely FINE & fair play to him for being honest & realistic, but he just wasn't a good fit for me.

TableFlowerss · 05/09/2020 18:49

@Fuckairbnb

Yep. I’m never second best.
That’s really nothing to be proud of, both on your part to say you would want you OH to always put your needs over his...

And from his part. I would have far more respect for a man that puts his children over and above anything. Including women

TableFlowerss · 05/09/2020 18:49

Over kids needs I mean

TableFlowerss · 05/09/2020 18:51

@MadameBlobby

Jeez you sound like a right princess *@Fuckairbnb*. Hope he wakes up and finds someone nicer and less high maintenance soon. I don’t think I could respect a man that put me ahead of his kids either.

That said I don’t see why he’d have had to step in as a substitute babysitter tonight when he already had plans. The ex would have to suck it up.

Totally agree. I couldn’t ever respect a men that put a woman’s needs above his kids every time....
DeeTractor · 05/09/2020 18:53

So women not wanting children = sensible, understandable decision
Men not wanting children = immature commitmentphobe weirdos

MN double standards at it's best.

OneForMeToo · 05/09/2020 18:56

Might be wrong but I’d never date a man with kids. I have my own and know myself well enough to know I’d be a terrible step mother and frankly don’t want an ex to contend with either.

Longestride25 · 05/09/2020 18:56

Weirdly I would prefer dating a man with no kids, grown up kids or has kids but they live with him. I have personal issues around the thought of a man seeing my kids more than he sees his own.