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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Find a man without children is the holy grail.

326 replies

Adviceneeded20 · 05/09/2020 10:58

One of my closest friends said to me this morning that finding a man without children in your 40s is like finding the holy grail of relationship goals.

I was telling her about little things that niggle me about DP (who is wonderful to be fair) and she said that I’m lucky I’ve found a man with no DC and that i need to make it work because I’ve found the holy grain Hmm

Is she right?

YANBU - finding a man with no DC is the holy grail.

YABU - who cares if he has children or not.

OP posts:
Goatinthegarden · 05/09/2020 16:47

Some of these comments are very over the top. Red flags, selfish, immature, etc.

DH is 41 with no kids. We are child free by choice and have been together ten years.

He is incredibly mature and selfless, more than any other man I have met. We are very solvent, responsible people who enjoy a lifestyle that is not spent running around after children.

If I keeled over and died tomorrow, he would make a wonderful partner for someone else.

MaxNormal · 05/09/2020 16:51

A man that doesn’t want children is presumably because he doesn’t want to be tied down and put someone’s needs above his own etc

You have absolutely no idea of why people - men or women - decide not to have children and it's breathtakingly arrogant of you to assume that that the reason is the same for everybody.

Goatinthegarden · 05/09/2020 16:51

Can’t see how that creates a selfless person (pretty sure they haven’t decided they don’t want children because of overpopulation and to save the planet....!)

That is actually one of DH’s reasons for not having a child. He cares deeply about the environmental impact of overpopulation and doesn’t want to add to the population.

It’s not the same as my reasons for not wanting a child and it’s not his only reason, but it’s definitely a factor for him.

Leaannb · 05/09/2020 16:52

@TableFlowerss

*Really? Because I'm 50 with a 5 yo and a 3 month granddaughter. More and more people are waiting until their 3Os to jave children. Also having children is the most selfish thing a person can do. Its not selfless to have children*

@Leaannb

No idea if you’re a man or a woman but having a child at 45 isn’t the norm. It’s not wrong, it’s perfectly fair enough, nevertheless, not the norm. (I also did specifically say toddlers)

Well I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on your second point. I can’t see where you’re coming from tbh. A man that doesn’t want children is presumably because he doesn’t want to be tied down and put someone’s needs above his own etc... it’s his choice and if that’s what he’s decided that’s fair enough.

Can’t see how that creates a selfless person (pretty sure they haven’t decided they don’t want children because of overpopulation and to save the planet....!)

Actually having children at that age is not as rare as you would think. Most of my friends in my age group have little ones.. Many people choose not to have children due to saving the planet and they also choose not to have kids due to finances and genetic conditions. My oldest and his wife are such a couple.None of that makes them selfish. However, there is not one reason to have children that is not inherently selfish. Obviously its not always a bad thing to be selfish
mrsmuddlepies · 05/09/2020 16:52

There is a current thread on Step parenting with a similar premise -
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4009827-Being-totally-honest-Would-you-prefer-it-if-your-partner-didnt-have-children
And it is a fairly unanimous vote for a male partner not already having children. Most posters on that thread do not enjoy being step mothers, particularly if they have their own children.
It does seem that the advice to a step mum is to leave the parenting up to their partners ( not their children etc) but that a man should embrace step children and take an active part in parenting step kids.
Having read the thread in step parenting, I feel many step children in blended families get a raw deal.

MaxNormal · 05/09/2020 16:53

@Goatinthegarden very similar scenario to us.
I honestly think some people have lurid imaginations and have conjured up some sort of international playboy cliche to represent childless men to themselves.

Leaannb · 05/09/2020 16:53

@Goatinthegarden

Can’t see how that creates a selfless person (pretty sure they haven’t decided they don’t want children because of overpopulation and to save the planet....!)

That is actually one of DH’s reasons for not having a child. He cares deeply about the environmental impact of overpopulation and doesn’t want to add to the population.

It’s not the same as my reasons for not wanting a child and it’s not his only reason, but it’s definitely a factor for him.

its a huge factor with my oldest son and somewhat a factor for my DIL. She has genetic history that would make having children selfish
Decentsalnotime · 05/09/2020 16:54

@Goatinthegarden

Some of these comments are very over the top. Red flags, selfish, immature, etc.

DH is 41 with no kids. We are child free by choice and have been together ten years.

He is incredibly mature and selfless, more than any other man I have met. We are very solvent, responsible people who enjoy a lifestyle that is not spent running around after children.

If I keeled over and died tomorrow, he would make a wonderful partner for someone else.

@Goatinthegarden

* If I keeled over and died tomorrow, he would make a wonderful partner for someone else.*
To single mother of three children under the ages of 8?

heartsonacake · 05/09/2020 16:55

Such bullshit on this thread from parents who seem to think being a parent makes them “more mature” and “more grown up”. It doesn’t. Nor does it make you a healthier, more well rounded person.

YANBU. If DH and I ever divorced I would not date a man with kids; too much baggage.

Leaannb · 05/09/2020 16:55

@mrsmuddlepies

There is a current thread on Step parenting with a similar premise - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4009827-Being-totally-honest-Would-you-prefer-it-if-your-partner-didnt-have-children And it is a fairly unanimous vote for a male partner not already having children. Most posters on that thread do not enjoy being step mothers, particularly if they have their own children. It does seem that the advice to a step mum is to leave the parenting up to their partners ( not their children etc) but that a man should embrace step children and take an active part in parenting step kids. Having read the thread in step parenting, I feel many step children in blended families get a raw deal.
That double standard is completely gross
Leaannb · 05/09/2020 16:56

@heartsonacake

Such bullshit on this thread from parents who seem to think being a parent makes them “more mature” and “more grown up”. It doesn’t. Nor does it make you a healthier, more well rounded person.

YANBU. If DH and I ever divorced I would not date a man with kids; too much baggage.

I can understand that. If my husband and I were to divorce I would never date again
ClementineWoolysocks · 05/09/2020 16:57

@updownroundandround

Personally, I think that for a man to have reached his 40's and never had any DC is a huge red flag.

I think it shows that he is either a man child or a user, and I'd not want either of that type of 'man' Hmm.

If he's never been ready to start a family with a partner ( in over 20 years !) by his 40's, then he never will be.

Do you think the same about women in their 40s without kids?

Having children is not the be-all and end-all for some people. I don't have any because I didn't want them, I like the freedom of not having them and I'm glad to have a partner who feels the same.

If I was dating again I wouldn't want a man with kids.

NameChange84 · 05/09/2020 16:57

I think it would be rarer for a 40 year old to have an adult child than it would be for them to have a young child. Where I’m from most men don’t have start having kids until they are around 40 (usually with a younger woman). My sibling and his friends were between 35 and 40 when they became parents. The earliest I know of planned pregnancies in my peer group was 30. So they won’t have adult children for quite some time!

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 05/09/2020 16:58

YANBU. If I were single and childfree, I'd rather stay that way than date a man with kids. Just not for me. When I was single and childfree, it was a dealbreaker for me.

SerenDippitty · 05/09/2020 17:00

Personally, I think that for a man to have reached his 40's and never had any DC is a huge red flag.

I would find it a lot less of a red flag than a man who had fathered children by several different women by that age.

Leaannb · 05/09/2020 17:00

@Decentsalnotime...Why would he date a mother when he is childfree with no desire to raise children?

TableFlowerss · 05/09/2020 17:00

@MaxNormal

A man that doesn’t want children is presumably because he doesn’t want to be tied down and put someone’s needs above his own etc

You have absolutely no idea of why people - men or women - decide not to have children and it's breathtakingly arrogant of you to assume that that the reason is the same for everybody.

If someone doesn’t want children that’s their choice and they have every right to make that decision.

My point is, is that men with children shouldn’t be overlooked because they have a lot to offer.

Many men (not all) don’t want kids exactly for the reason I started. Perhaps I should have said ‘not all’, because of course I don’t know the reasons for everyone’s choice.

The childless men I do know, don’t want kids because they are selfish and they don’t want their lifestyle to change.

TableFlowerss · 05/09/2020 17:01

When I say selfish, I sat in general as well.

SecretSpAD · 05/09/2020 17:01

Some of the attitudes here to the childfree are mind-blowing

No unfortunately they are depressingly predictable.

My husband has never had his own children. We met at 35. He hasn't had many LTR because he'd spent a lot of his 20's working in Africa with the FCO. During that time he helped many, many people in various poverty stricken communities and went above and beyond to ensure that the children and their families had access to a better life. Above and beyond because none of that was part of his role at that time -he spent all his spare time in the community helping out rather than in the nice air conditioned diplomatic communities because he is a truely selfless and compassionate person.

Just because he was decided he didn't want a child and didn't have time to commit to a relationship doesn't make him a red flag, abusive, immature, irresponsible or selfish.

Stop judging people on whether or not they have reproduced.

A few minutes on the relationship board here will tell you exactly how selfless and wonderful some fathers are.

Leaannb · 05/09/2020 17:02

@updownroundandround....A person can be a wonderful partner to a spouse and not want to be a parent. That is not a red flag

Decentsalnotime · 05/09/2020 17:03

[quote Leaannb]@Decentsalnotime...Why would he date a mother when he is childfree with no desire to raise children?[/quote]
That’s my point
The poster said he would make a wonderful partner

I asked to a mother of small children, which is what this thread is about surely? Relationships between people with and without children. Not whether your partner is a wonderful partner to you.

Decentsalnotime · 05/09/2020 17:04

[quote Leaannb]@updownroundandround....A person can be a wonderful partner to a spouse and not want to be a parent. That is not a red flag[/quote]
It is.

To a single parent of dependent children.

Leaannb · 05/09/2020 17:05

@TableFlowerss...I wouldn't date a single father because I don't like other people's kids. I certainly wouldn't want to have to deal with being in a parent role. I also wouldn't date another man if my husband and I ever got a divorce or become widowed. I wouldn't want to jave to listen to his mouth regarding my children and grandchildren

greysome · 05/09/2020 17:05

My DP is 30's not 40's but doesn't have kids. He is however great with my DD and would like to have one, if possible, one day but isn't desperate to reproduce either. He is happy and very willing to be involved in DD life and appreciates fully that she comes first. DP has also said me already being a mother, makes the idea of having a child with me more appealing, as he already knows my parenting approach and that we would be comparable in how we wanted to raise a child. His experience with friends and family has coloured this, as he has seen a lot of long term relationships end or struggle as when children come into the picture the differences in approach appear and cause problems.

When I started dating after splitting with EXH I at first thought it would be easier to meet a man with DC, so that they would understand what it means to date as a parent and know what it was like to be around small children. However the thought of blended families and being a step mum is hugely unappealing to me, and outweighed the pro's.

Leaannb · 05/09/2020 17:06

@Decentsalnotime...No its not. It just means you aren't compatible. A childfree person will not date a parent for a long period of time if at all. So what red flag is being raised.