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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel christmas

409 replies

amms36 · 05/09/2020 00:46

This year has been absolutely awful. I am not convinced that it is going to improve over the next few months either.

I have tentatively told family members that I am cancelling Christmas this year. By this I mean I won't be putting up a tree, I won't be doing any 'festive' shopping, and I won't be doing anything special for Christmas Day.

Likewise, I don't expect any gifts, or anything related to Christmas.

DH thinks this is extreme and I am being unreasonable. My point is that I have never particularly loved Christmas, and feel this year especially it feels like more trouble than it will be worth. Who knows what restrictions will even be in place come December?

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMum555 · 06/09/2020 18:52

On the 24th December last year my 21 year old son started intensive chemotherapy for stage 4 blood cancer. He was so ill no one knew whether he would make it through that first round of treatment.

We put up the tree, brought a few presents and a bit of nice food simply because our 19 year old was coming home from University and I desperately wanted him to have some normality, it was pointless but I tried.

Thankfully DS is on the road to recovery. Yes, Christmas is mostly commercial nonsense but for most of us it's also a chance for a bit of fun and happiness and for some time with family. I would grab that with both hands if you can.

ilovemyrednosedaymug · 06/09/2020 18:53

OP, I didn't put up my tree last year as DC wouldn't help me sort the room out to make space for it, so it stayed in the box! we spend most of it with family anyway, so not even home. (and we put it up a week before Xmas usually, no earlier).

However, I do think it is a bit mean for your DH if he would like a tree etc. Maybe you could let him sort it all out if he wants it ?

If you are struggling financially, then advise your family that you won't be exchanging gifts this year as you can't afford to. If anyone still decides to buy you a gift that is up to them, but you can make it clear that you aren't expecting any.

If there are children in the family you could go to Poundland and put together a small parcel of sweets/toys/hair bits/craft etc for not much money.

Regarding Christmas Day, then you need to talk to each other and reach some sort of compromise that makes both of you happy.

winniestone37 · 06/09/2020 18:53

How about just celebrating the fact you’re all alive and you have each other. Now about saying no to the massive expense, keeping it simple and making it really special. I wanted to sympathise but on reflection you just sound miserable, whiney and grumpy. Pick yourself up and make Christmas nice for God’s sake.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 06/09/2020 18:53

You've been here for at least a year. You couldn't have possibly take that long to discover that non parents are here. It's not like we are hiding it or smth.

Nice way to get all attention on someone's thread👍

winniestone37 · 06/09/2020 18:55

@LoveBeingAMum555 my heart goes out to you and you said it. Grab it with both hands.

Rachand23 · 06/09/2020 19:00

Covid - the perfect excuse for everything! Bah humbug

LoisLane66 · 06/09/2020 19:01

@Watcathel
I'm a retired grandmother but I enjoy reading the everyday problems facing mums nowadays, be it money, children, relationships, in-laws, holiday, where to buy this or that, worries and heath discussions among many more topics.
It's a sounding board and advice column for everyday problems or queries. That's my view and I think it works pretty well for most people.
Only my opinion, for what it's worth.

becauseIcare · 06/09/2020 19:03

You really don’t need to make it expensive. Sometimes it is better to try and enjoy yourself and quite often the result is you do. It is very unfair on your loved ones just to bail. This year has been tough for everyone,feel you should make the effort and hope you are surprised at the result
Good luck

FelicisNox · 06/09/2020 19:04

I do see your point but this isn't really about Covid is it?

You said it: you don't like Christmas, it feels expensive and forced and just isn't your gig (fair enough) and Covid is the excuse you're looking for to just forego the whole experience.

Why don't you meet the husband half way and book a week in a nice Highland hotel just the 2 of you over the festive period.

He gets his Christmas cheer and you get to leave the who chebang behind and have someone else do all the cooking.

Send your family members a M&S hamper.

I call that a win.

Watcathel · 06/09/2020 19:08

That’s wonderful LousLane and I’m sure I’ll still have a peek when I’m older and kids have left home. But I certainly won’t be posting AIBU regarding traditional celebrations but that’s just my opinion. It’s been great to hear other views. Thanks 😊

gnushoes · 06/09/2020 19:08

There's a reason people in the northern hemisphere had a celebration around the winter solstice and it's good for mental health. But you neither have to go overboard nor do it all yourself. Doing something though is probably good for you.

JonSnowIsALoser · 06/09/2020 19:09

I fully support you OP. I'd love to cancel Christmas even without the excuse of Covid. If your husband doesn't agree and is desperate to celebrate, tell him he's more that welcome to organise all of it. It's not like you're going to sabotage it, right?

GingerWit · 06/09/2020 19:09

Life is what you make it. You can either make it happy and slightly better than the rest of the year, or you can drag your husband down to your level of self pity and misery. People have died, you are alive; take advantage of being alive.

I have a friend in a wheelchair, he has recently found out he has an inoperable brain tumor. Due to his skin condition, he has never married or had children of his own. A few years ago, a couple of days before Christmas he found his Grandmother passed away in her home, and on the floor next to her his Mother. His Mother died of a broken heart.

He still trims up every year because he wants to enjoy life to its fullest. This year he is praying he survives what could be his potentially last Christmas, and he also does it for his 6 year old niece. He does marathons in his wheelchair for charity and recently completed a 10K, raising funds for a cancer ward.

Does he sit down and admit defeat? No. He carries on and continues to live every single moment. As should we all - We should all take advantage of good health, or even just being alive.

Posts like this make me shake my head and think how pathetic, snowflake like some of us have become.

I feel sorry for your husband, you must be such a joy to live with.

You don't need an expensive Christmas, or to buy gifts. You need to enjoy the moment, precious time with family and just be grateful you have the choice.

sophe · 06/09/2020 19:18

You want to go your own self centred way in life, leave your husband and family to have a chance of the sort of life they value.

There are some choices you no longer have, once you commit to hearth and home.

tigertailz · 06/09/2020 19:20

This will be the sixth year I haven't "done" xmas. To be fair, my children are adults now, and my grandson, who will be just two years old, has a huge loving family. I hate to think of him being shlepped up and down the M4, and his parents getting frazzled, for no particular reason, apart from a man-made festival of no importance. If we were religious, it might be different. I send everyone a pair of socks as a token, and want nothing in return.

Commonwasher · 06/09/2020 19:21

I feel your pain OP. I get a lot of pressure too and it makes me want to cancel Christmas altogether even though I enjoy some aspects of it.

I seem to spend xmas travelling, catering, shopping for things off obscure ‘lists’ from relatives I rarely see but insist on gatherings exchanges of gifts.

I would rather stay at home, cook a roast, go to church, let the kids play with their new toys and see everyone when the westher is nicer and we don’t have to wear masks...

If hubby wants xmas, let him decorate, cook, shop and wrap x

Livelovebehappy · 06/09/2020 19:22

I think covid has made me more determined to have a lovely Xmas. I usually cater for 13 people every Christmas but this year we've booked to go and stay in a cottage in the lake district just me, dp, ds and dd and her partner. I've never been massively enthusiastic about Xmas but just go with the flow because I know my dp and dcs livd it.

Patsyanna · 06/09/2020 19:23

If you don't feel like doing the usual Christmas stuff why not do some voluntary work for the day? I'm sure there are lots of organisations who would love an extra pair of hands at that time. Maybe helping with a Christmas meal for the homeless or something similar.

TenhillPlace · 06/09/2020 19:25

watcathel have you tried 'topics' to choose threads you are interested in?
This is AIBU but there are 'pregnancy' threads if you look at the topic section to choose to read and contribute to threads that interest you.

honeygirlz · 06/09/2020 19:26

I suspect that if I told DH he would have to organise the whole thing to make it happen, he wouldn't be so upset about no Christmas that he'd actually put up a tree, cook a full dinner etc. That's not to speak bad of him, but it's just not something I think he'd be that inclined to do.

So he thinks it’s a bit ‘extreme’ that you’re not organising Christmas for him, the knobhead! I wouldn’t want to organise Christmas for him either OP!

You are not being unreasonable you celebrate a Christmas the way you want, let H bugger off to hi parents/family if he wants to.

honeygirlz · 06/09/2020 19:27

@Watcathel do you have you any idea of the offence or upset you could be causing? You don’t even know why OP doesn’t have kids. Get some tact.

TenhillPlace · 06/09/2020 19:30

Covid - the perfect excuse for everything! Bah humbug

I don't think it's just that, there are real issues of safety and perhaps by then we will be limited around who we can visit and where we can stay. We won't be mixing households and having family staying over.

It might not need to be 'the perfect excuse'!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 06/09/2020 19:31

@Commonwasher

I feel your pain OP. I get a lot of pressure too and it makes me want to cancel Christmas altogether even though I enjoy some aspects of it.

I seem to spend xmas travelling, catering, shopping for things off obscure ‘lists’ from relatives I rarely see but insist on gatherings exchanges of gifts.

I would rather stay at home, cook a roast, go to church, let the kids play with their new toys and see everyone when the westher is nicer and we don’t have to wear masks...

If hubby wants xmas, let him decorate, cook, shop and wrap x

Do it then! Honestly, you will never look back! They will moan for a bit and then get over it and realise it might not be such a bad idea
Watcathel · 06/09/2020 19:34

SchrodingersImmigrant
No I haven’t just discovered it obviously, but this post drew my attention to that fact and I was just curious as to why?
We have now come to the conclusion this isn’t a parenting site but a way to get things off ones chest....

Sarcasm and bizarre abbreviations...... nice way to get attention on someone else’s post 👍🏻

annabel85 · 06/09/2020 19:39

Depends if I have to go back into the office in the weeks before Christmas. If I am then a Christmas dinner by Zoom will be the height of the festivities as my parents are shielding, so will need to somewhat self isolate before Christmas to see them on Christmas Day.