Contributing to niece's uni costs

[Onionpeeler]

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

Never heard of an aunt funding uni. Maybe she can’t afford to go or will have to work/get a loan.

I didn’t get any regular money from from anyone since I was 18. Occasionally £100/ always got money £50 or £20 at Christmas and birthdays from grandparents because they understood I needed it. I did know others did get money, but I was fine with it because I understood enough of my parents finances. I don’t think I’d have been better off in life with a relative making payments. I got loans, I worked in the summer, after finishing uni I paid back those loans asap with overpayments when I could. I was altogether familiar with when the supermarkets discounted food, if there was a 5p loaf - I had bread, if there was a pack of yoghurts for 10p I ate yoghurts. Extremely rarely ate out (even a snack, as you can get cheaper in bulk/supermarket) rarely went to a cafe. I shared a room in a shared house in first year. Couldn’t afford uni halls. I wore mainly second hand clothes. I drank cheap wine before going out 😂 and not to places where you pay in. When possible I borrowed books from library instead of buying. Had a £10 haircut. I wasted some money too but these are the kind of things I’d be expecting first.

We were asked if we would contribute to private school fees - and they were the eldest of three! Imagine that level of money going out when we have children of our own (not at private school!).

I wouldn’t do it. I don’t think you’d be doing them any favours in the long run, to be subbing them to that extent. Are they trying to keep up with their richer friends that they met through private school?

My stepsons‘ mum died of cancer when they were young teens.
Both got p/t Saturday jobs when they were at school to help pay for extras for themselves. One played in a band and saved up to pay for driving lessons and then clubbed together with his mates to buy an old van to transport their instruments to gigs.

They both worked p/t jobs whilst attending University. The oldest one secured a place at a prestigious place for his masters. His fees were paid by the college and he worked p/t whilst studying for a further 3 years. When he first applied, they turned him down because they didn’t believe he’d be able to work and spend enough time studying. His tutor at his Uni had to write to the head of the college to confirm how extraordinarily hard working his student was and he was accepted when he applied the second time around. (He doesn’t give up his dreams easily)

Both boys are now in their 30’s and very capable and successful individuals and I hugely admire their determination and the effort that they put into everything they do.

No. No way. You need to sock away everything you have spare for a pension. I'd just tell them I haven't go anything spare to contribute.

Nope OP, its really sad their DM passed away but if they have a child in private school they really are not hard up. I expect they didn't want to take her out immediately when her DM passed but they have had long enough to do it. Are your DPs going to need money soon to live as they have given him all of their savings?

Just say you cant afford it and end the conversation, no-one should be able to emotionally blackmail you into it then. Tell them sooner rather than later so they can look into loans and grants.

My sister is not very well off and so we offered to pay my niece £500 start up and £50 per month to cover her bus fares into uni and back to accomodation and internet. No one asked us to contribute but my son decided not to go and to get a job instead so we used the money we had set aside for him to help my niece. She has graduated now and in a couple of years we will most likely help my younger niece. We only help because we can afford to and love both nieces.

I’m still confused. Most people use the maintenance loan. What am I missing?

@NameChangeAgain222

I struggled to go to uni as my family wouldn't help out. Maintenance loans etc are partially based on parents income and they won't account for £10000 a year going on fees. If you're able to do it it would be a lovely thing to do. If you aren't planning to have children you may become closer/ more reliant on DNs as you get older. I'm not saying you should give to receive just that you may feel guilty of they help you when you didn't help them.

Maybe the OP cannot afford to help them, should she put herself in debt incase the DN's help her in old age?

I cant afford to give someone £120 a month, i cant afford to give my adult kids that, i would love to help them out like that but i simply cannot afford it.

Maybe the OP is in the same boat?

Sure student finance would cover it. Have they even looked into that? Probs not if they are sending one to private school

I help my niece out now and again on a gift basis, it is never expected and always gratefully received. I would not be happy with being asked for a monthly contribution they will rely on.

Who is asking you? Your brother or parents? Either way I would say no.

No.

Who asked, your brother or your parents?

If they can't afford it then the younger one should have moved schools - appreciate that's a wrench after a trauma so sympathise, but if it can't be afforded then it can't be afforded.

The older one can get a job, and the student finance loans. Perhaps even a bursary or additional grant in the circumstances. They're there for a reason. People go to uni all the time without family financial help.

I'd say don't do it (it will go on vodka) but send a care package of food, things like washing powder, toiletries, Amazon/book vouchers, etc as and when you can afford it and want to help.

Cash to a student will be sucked up and isn't your responsibility, but definitely help in other ways if you can.

@NameChangeAgain222

I struggled to go to uni as my family wouldn't help out. Maintenance loans etc are partially based on parents income and they won't account for £10000 a year going on fees. If you're able to do it it would be a lovely thing to do. If you aren't planning to have children you may become closer/ more reliant on DNs as you get older. I'm not saying you should give to receive just that you may feel guilty of they help you when you didn't help them.

This is a horrible post. I can't have kids and have two wonderful nephews.

I don't expect them to obligate themselves to look after me as I age. Neither is our relationship based on money and traded favours.

It would be nice if you could give you niece something if you can afford it.

My mum died at 18 and I had zero family support for uni and it was a struggle (and I had a PT job). However asking for £120 a month is taking the piss.

If the younger niece is being educated privately then I’m guessing the older niece would have been as well? I’m guessing that DB has bled the bank of mum and dad dry and now wants to start bleeding you dry!

Why in earth are you paying towards a child that isn't yours?

I have helped out with various nieces and nephews - bought uniforms, contributes to savings that sort of thing - but it has always been my choice and there were no expectations from my brother and sister.

Your sibling is absolutely unreasonable to expect you to subsidise their lifestyle choices and that of their children just because you don't have any children of your own.

No, I don't think you're being tight.
Any contribution you may choose to make should be a gift, gratefully received, not an expectation.

I thought that, if your family refuse to help you financially you can be assessed as an Independant Student, and their earnings are therefore not taken into account?

Eldest DD went to Uni as a mature student (she was 22). Family earnings weren't taken into account then either as she was considered to be self-supporting (even though she still lived at home).

No, don’t do it. If you were wealthy and they had asked you this, then fair enough: but you have said that you aren’t. I’m not really sure why you should forsake comforts for yourself in order for your niece to attend university. Obviously, going to university can be very beneficial: but it is not an essential part of life. You will just finish paying for this niece, when the younger one will be ready to go to university. So for at least the next six years or so, you are going to be a considerable amount down each month. And this is presuming that everything stays as it is now… What if you lose your job? Or become ill? Decide to pack in work and travel? Will you still be expected to stump up the money? The main problem for me is that by doing this, you are making your situation harder, in order to make your brother’s easier. The family have clearly been through a tough time, but unfortunately life is not always easy or straightforward. Please don’t be filtered into doing something that you may regret: this is a LOT of money to you.

Absolutely not, she can get loans/grants and a pt job. Gift her something to help her get set up if you can afford it, that’s the max you should consider.

*guilted, not filtered!

You might consider giving your niece a substantial sum as a "going to university" gift - £500 or so - if you can afford it. Or you could do a couple of big shops for her - if she's in self-catering accommodation.

Offer what YOU would like to give your niece. I give my nephews a couple of hundred every now & again, and that's fine.

I think it's pretty appalling that because you don't have children, you're seen as the person who must provide for your brother's children.

If their mum died 5 years ago then that was before DD2 even started secondary school? It was irresponsible for your DB to send her there if he was struggling. Not your problem.

If your SIL passed away 5 years ago, why didn't your brother change her school at 11 or 13 which is a classic transition time?

I'm on a low income and my kids got a part-time job end of y11/beginning of Sixth Form (spring birthdays) and have student loans and their job to see them through uni. They didn't apply to London unis because of cost (accomodation is sometimes more than the loan) but are fine with that. They work longer hours in the holidays than term time so that they can save.

It is insane that your brother uses private school and asking you for handouts and your idea of visits etc soundboergectly reasonable

@Onionpeeler

I'm in agreement with most people here, OP. This is not your responsibility, but the children's parent to solve. I'm astonished he has accepted funds from the children's grandparents to the extent he seems to have and, now they are running low, turning to you.

If you lost your job, would any of the family be able to come to your financial rescue? No? Then that's where any "spare" funds should go - into an emergency fund if your work/health circumstances go downhill, as a buffer against how the economy is likely to suffer for the next few years post-Covid and Brexit and also towards your pension - which is also likely to suffer if, for example, the triple lock is removed.

Also, given how stretched the NHS is, what if you needed to pay for private medical care? I have a family member going through that right now and I myself have had to self fund for treatment which would have been delayed on the NHS. All things to consider when you are being asked to pay for your niece's education and then, probably her sibling..

Your brother needs to see where HE can organise his finances more effectively, I think, maybe taking on extra paid work, if possible.

I see a couple of people have suggested you occasionally doing a supermarket voucher/online food top-up for your niece and I think that would be a good idea if you are able to afford that?

Stand firm OP. No need for guilt or obligation on your part. 🌹

Who asked and where did that figure come from?

She can get a job like the rest of us has to. If she can’t afford to go even with a job then she can’t afford to go. Sad but not your problem.

He can’t afford private schooling, even if the younger one has a bursary, and surely OP would have mentioned It, the other costs of private schooling are clearly out of his budget if he’s constantly on the take from his parents.

I would say no. A one-off help such as with something they use at university perhaps, but not on an ongoing basis.