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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contributing to niece's uni costs

427 replies

Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 09:17

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 04/09/2020 10:58

I don’t understand how anyone would ask family to stump up for uni fees.

My dd plans on going to a top uni in 2 years time, we don’t have money and I have no idea how we will afford it but there’s no way I would be begging relatives for money towards it, of course if they want to help out that would be great but it’s rude to ask.

oakleaffy · 04/09/2020 10:58

Absolutely NOT @Onionpeeler

It was your Brother or sister's choice to have a child, and they and they alone should be funding said child.
Say No, and don't feel remotely guilty.

How CF is that to ask you to fund their DC education.

Queenoftheashes · 04/09/2020 10:59

Good grief! I can’t believe the dad is sending a child to private school while relying on handouts from his parents let alone now asking you to join in!

Suzi888 · 04/09/2020 10:59

Come again?! Confused erm NO!!!!!!!!!!

oakleaffy · 04/09/2020 11:00

@Onionpeeler
Wow! Look at the poll so far...100% say YANBU.
453 people are in full agreement.

sitckmansladylove · 04/09/2020 11:00

No. They need to send the youngest to the comp and free up funds

vapeinafleshlight · 04/09/2020 11:01

God no. The kid can get a job to cover any shortfall

romeolovedjulliet · 04/09/2020 11:02

if the parents can't afford it and / or niece can't get a job to help what about grants etc ?
the bottom line is going to uni is an option not a god given right.

SBTLove · 04/09/2020 11:04

I can’t believe this, your brother has been reliant on your parents but kept a child in private school? They’re all deluded, precious niece can get a job like all the students I know.
Changing cunts!

oakleaffy · 04/09/2020 11:05

@Onionpeeler

There is a bit of a back story - their mum died about five years ago and my brother has struggled since. His income took a nose dive although he's doing better now. My parents have been helping out a lot financially and I think they've pretty much run out of money. The younger sibling is at private school and they did consider moving her to the local comp but she's just started back in year 11 and it would have been a big wrench for her.
If the Dad is out with the begging bowl he clearly cannot afford the private school.

So unfair on your parents!

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2020 11:05

"My parents have been helping out a lot financially and I think they've pretty much run out of money."
So your brother is now moving on to you to suck you dry? Nice.

"The younger sibling is at private school and they did consider moving her to the local comp but she's just started back in year 11 and it would have been a big wrench for her."
I. Am. Speechless.

Your brother needs to cut his coat according to his cloth. He cannot afford private school.

No, you are not being tight, but your brother is being one huge entitled arsewipe of a man.

Tell him no, and not to ask again. You will not enable his ridiculous sense of entitlement to your hard-earned money, and he should think shame on himself for bleeding his parents dry with this fiasco. I'd probably chuck a few fuck offs in there for good measure, that's up to you. But for the love of sanity, tell him NO.

oakleaffy · 04/09/2020 11:14

@Onionpeeler
I was moved from a small private school to a large Comp.
At age 13.
Stepmum and dad had just bought a large house, and stepmum thought the school fees were too much.

It was hard.. On my first day, I was asked how old I was....
I said ''Thirteen''

The girls said mockingly ''Thirteen? Thirteen? We're FUR- H-EEN'' {glottal stop hard to write}

It was horrible, I hated it...but year 11 isn't so bad.

ButteryPuffin · 04/09/2020 11:18

It would be a shame to pull the younger niece out of year 11 and put her into State school but I think she will have to go to a State School/State 6th form college if she is going to do A levels. Your brother can't afford to keep her there after this year.

Agree with this and the view generally.

ChickenyChick · 04/09/2020 11:21

The private school thing is such a bad decision, that's 15-25k down the drain...

I would definitely want to help a niece or nephew in these cirumstances, but won't she get a good student loan if her dad is low income?

We don't earn much, but at least that means DC can borrow more

Why does this not apply to your niece?

Saying that, if I could afford it I might do it. But the private school thing and lack of student loan options (in your niece's circumstances) mean that maybe your brother earns actually quite a good wage ??

Beautiful3 · 04/09/2020 11:22

He knew he couldn't afford to send younger child to private school. He carried on for the past 5 years relying on your parents to pay?! Now hes expecting you to fund his eldest to go to university?! Beware what you decide to contribute will be expected for the youngest one too. I would decline the offer and send her a box of treats when you see her.

HoneyBee03 · 04/09/2020 11:23

I don't understand why you've been asked to contribute, my own parents didn't contribute to my uni fees or living costs. I got a job and worked right the way through because it was the only way and I certainly wasn't the only one doing that. If she won't work then she doesn't go to uni. Its simple. If you do this for her you'll almost definitely be expected to pay for her younger sibling too.

frazzledasarock · 04/09/2020 11:23

No. That’s crazy.

What happens when she needs money for additional items and moves to a more expensive housing situation?

What happens her sister starts and chooses a uni in a more expensive area?

If you were wealthy and wouldn’t feel the pinch by contributing and wanted to do it. That would be fine.
Your situation doesn’t sound like that though. I’d say no.

What’s he doing to meet his two daughters daily maintenance costs?

He needs to get additional jobs, cut back on his own expenditure, or send his DC to state schools and apply for maintenance loans for university like most people. And or his daughters can work whilst studying to subsidise their living costs. Many do.

JoanJosephJim · 04/09/2020 11:24

I struggled to go to uni as my family wouldn't help out. Maintenance loans etc are partially based on parents income and they won't account for £10000 a year going on fees.

Err the tuition fees are automatically paid by the government, a maintenance loan is purely for living costs, rent, food, books, travel etc. It is means tested but for a lot of people even though the parental contribution is X they cannot afford it and so the adult going to uni has to get a job over summer to save up, or work alongside their studies. There are of course bursaries and hardship funds.

There is no way your brother did not see this coming in terms of finances. You cannot move a child for year 11 due to exam boards and teachers don't teach GCSE content in any particular order so the time to move her was at the start of year 10. That was his choice to keep her in the private school.

You are not responsible for your brother's lack of planning or lack of finances. Having a child in private education must be costing a minimum of £10k a year.

OverTheRainbow88 · 04/09/2020 11:24

You should have shared your backstory with the original post... makes the whole scenario different

honeygirlz · 04/09/2020 11:27

@Glenthebattleostrich

I did send a 'big shop' of staples each term and had niece to stay when she was in the area.

Not sure anyone needs that many staples. Does she staple a lot of coursework?

frazzledasarock · 04/09/2020 11:34

@OverTheRainbow88

You should have shared your backstory with the original post... makes the whole scenario different
The girls mother passed away five years ago. I do sympathise but the brother has had time to plan and sort his lifestyle out to adapt to his circumstances.

How long are the wider family expected to finance the man and his family and lifestyle choices for? Will his parents be expected to bequeath all their savings and assets to him on their own death?

Is OP meant to fork out whenever asked because her brother has made expensive choices for his own lifestyle?

He is being a CF & unless there’s more to this, the OP’s brother is using his advantage to guilt his wider family into paying for his expensive choices. They’re all suffering from the financial fall out whilst he just carries on blithely expecting everyone to just hand him wads of cash when he wants.

AlwaysCheddar · 04/09/2020 11:34

They can get loans and get jobs like every other student. In fact, you should be setting up a university fund for your future children if you’re going to have them because it’s bloody expensive! But not your job to fund them.

frazzledasarock · 04/09/2020 11:35

Circumstances not advantage

eggsandwich · 04/09/2020 11:38

My dd is looking to go to university next year and as her parents we will help fund the accommodations she needs it is not the responsibility of family members to help contribute towards her time at university.

Did your brother actually ask you to contribute or was it your parents as they’re no longer able too?

All you need to say is that you are not in a position to financially help your niece.

Maybe your niece could get a little part time job to help fund her time there.

user1471538283 · 04/09/2020 11:40

What on earth? No of course you will not be contributing to your DN's University costs! I remember back in the day when parents gave what they could and the rest you WORKED for!