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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contributing to niece's uni costs

427 replies

Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 09:17

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 04/09/2020 09:32

I dont care much a person is 'worth' it is rude to ask!!!

LimitIsUp · 04/09/2020 09:34

Bizarre! Of course you shouldn't pay it

AriettyHomily · 04/09/2020 09:34

Eh?

FlySheMust · 04/09/2020 09:37

Very cheeky.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/09/2020 09:38

Is there some context here OP? Eg you’ve always helped them out??

If not I’d say no. You get to choose how you spend your earnings. If you don’t earn that much you need to provide for your own security. The government provides student loans, students are expected to work and their parents to contribute. No one expects extended family to contribute.

Just say, that doesn’t work for me and refuse to discuss further. You are not being tight at all

Original poster
Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 09:38

There is a bit of a back story - their mum died about five years ago and my brother has struggled since. His income took a nose dive although he's doing better now. My parents have been helping out a lot financially and I think they've pretty much run out of money. The younger sibling is at private school and they did consider moving her to the local comp but she's just started back in year 11 and it would have been a big wrench for her.

OP posts:
BlueSlice · 04/09/2020 09:39

My aunt doesn’t have children and is very close to me and my siblings. Even so I absolutely cannot imagine anyone asking her to help pay our way through uni!

anonacatchat · 04/09/2020 09:40

If you can afford it , it would be a lovely thing to do

Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone · 04/09/2020 09:40

This has got to be a cultural thing. I had a Chinese friend who had support from family members to study in the UK at significant cost to the wider family. I wouldn't do it for my niece but this isn't my culture so perhaps I don't understand it.

LagunaBubbles · 04/09/2020 09:40

I'm more amazed you have to ask, what kind of family do you have have where you would think this was normal!

BlueSlice · 04/09/2020 09:41

There’s no way they should have been sending them to private school if they couldn’t afford it.

I went to uni with no money; had a student loan and means tested grants and also worked during the holidays. It taught me to manage to a budget.

emmathedilemma · 04/09/2020 09:44

Absolutely no!!
Ask if there's anything she needs and buy her a gift at the start of term.

fourandnomore · 04/09/2020 09:45

Even with the back story this is what student loans are for etc. It’s a sad situation but ultimately not your responsibility. If you wanted to then lovely, but at the same time it’s really not for you to feel pressured into helping at all. If it meant her being able to go to uni or not then that is a conversation, or maybe it could be a loan or something but I would never ask my siblings to do that for me.

SMaCM · 04/09/2020 09:45

She should be able to get a maintenance grant (assuming UK), which might cover her accommodation costs. Her course will be paid for by a student loan. If they are struggling, some unis have a hardship fund which can also be given. I didn't even give my own daughter that amount.

Potterpotterpotter · 04/09/2020 09:45

No way. They are taking the piss.

The child in private school should of been pulled out years ago if they can’t afford it.

MatildaTheCat · 04/09/2020 09:45

Is this contribution needed in addition to full loans, bursaries etc? Universities often have funds to help students in difficult circumstances as do various other organisations. Explore those options- your DB that is. Try something like This

If you are close to the family and want to help I would consider giving something for this year only to get the younger sibling through Y11 and then on to a state sixth form.

If you aren’t particularly close then have absolutely no worries about saying no.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 04/09/2020 09:46

In those circumstances you are not obliged to but I would if I could afford to help.

CharityDingle · 04/09/2020 09:46

Who has asked? Your brother? Or your parents? And what have you said in reply?

It would be a 'no' from me, btw.

DalzielandPaxo · 04/09/2020 09:47

The back story is awful. But finances can’t be that bad if one of them stayed in private education. Give as much emotional support as you wish, but you are not financially responsible.

PonfusedCarent · 04/09/2020 09:47

Based on your latest update, I think it would be a really nice gesture if you can afford it.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 04/09/2020 09:48

no,
the private education is not needed.
never mind the wrench.

Chloemol · 04/09/2020 09:49

No, they can get student loans and work part time like thousands of others

CodenameVillanelle · 04/09/2020 09:49

Unless you gave birth to her and handed her to your brother to raise then no. The father needs to cut his cloth. He's had a child in private school whilst on one income and could have taken her out before the older started uni or any time before year 11. What a cheeky Fucker!

ivfbeenbusy · 04/09/2020 09:49

The kids shouldn't be in private school If they can't afford it - can't expect to have that privilege and then go cap in hand for uni fees 🤷‍♀️

Did they not get any insurance payments from the mothers death? Or can't her parents help?

Shedbuilder · 04/09/2020 09:49

My nephew started an apprenticeship in London at a time when my DS and DBIL were divorcing and money was an issue. I don't have children and I can also remember being young and hard-up in London, so for the first couple of years I sent him £200 a month. After the divorce, when my DS was in a more financially stable situation, she and I both gave hime £100 a month. My nephew has gone on to do another apprenticeship and we have continued to support him.

I can remember the early days of trying to establish a career and getting by on a very tight budget and I can remember what a relief it was when I had the occasional windfall or gift. A few quid in savings can ease the anxiety of trying to live on a shoestring. My nephew has never asked for money and has always been grateful.