Page 17 | Contributing to niece's uni costs

Onionpeeler · 2020-09-04T08:17:56+00:00

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

DonaPatrizia · 05/09/2020 19:02

I don’t have kids and support my niece who is a single mum and hard up, but only because I can afford to and want to.

Keelan96 · 05/09/2020 19:05

Absolutely no way. Not your child. I can't understand why you would be expected to

alibongo5 · 05/09/2020 19:05

Hang on! I missed the bit about your brother owning properties abroad! It was bad enough for your dad to ask you to pay £120 regularly when the younger daughter was still going to private school. But when your brother could just sell a property to help his family? WTAF!

FelicisNox · 05/09/2020 19:08

Absolutely not.

It's a sad situation but that doesn't make it your responsibility. I agree with the other comments.

Just say: as much as I would love to help I genuinely can't afford it as I'm barely covering my own expenses.

Repeat as necessary and don't feel guilty.

Ingles2 · 05/09/2020 19:11

No you really don’t need to pay that sort of money for uni.. if your dB is not eligible for higher maintenance grant, they they will get enough to cover most of her accommodation and he will need to top up her food etc/ she will need to work over the summer to contribute.. depending on the uni there are also bursaries for low income families.. my son who is at Durham gets a £2000 reduction in hall fees every year..

salcombebabe · 05/09/2020 19:17

Sorry to sound thick here but why doesn’t she get a job to support her living costs????? That’s what my daughter has had to do 🤷‍♀️

Baxterbear · 05/09/2020 19:29

If you can afford to do it, then why not consider it. In other cultures family is the most important thing, more important than anything else. If you can comfortably afford it then it sounds like it would be greatly appreciated but it's your decision. Some people much prefer to watch their hard earned money grow in their bank account.

surreygirl1987 · 05/09/2020 19:38

Sorry if this has already been explained as I haven't read the whole thread but I don't understand why she needs the money? There are student loans and bursaries. My parents wouldn't have been able to afford to give me any money at all for uni but it didn't matter as the student loan covered it all. I wanted to travel too so worked afew hours a week on checkouts. I know things have changed since I was at uni but I'm a teacher now so try to maintain some understanding of the current situation.

Teaandsugar · 05/09/2020 19:44

I think it would be a lovely thing to do if you can comfortably afford it. She is family, and family help each other.

occa · 05/09/2020 19:47

@Teaandsugar

I think it would be a lovely thing to do if you can comfortably afford it. She is family, and family help each other.

But she doesn't actually need help

She received a 50k bequest in the last few years, her sister is in private school and her father owns 3 properties!

It's completely outrageous that they've even asked.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/09/2020 20:14

In other cultures family is the most important thing, more important than anything else. If you can comfortably afford it then it sounds like it would be greatly appreciated but it's your decision

Does that extend to bankrolling cheeky fuckers who want to spend everyone else's money so they can hold on to their own assets?

Narcissistfree · 05/09/2020 20:43

So... her course is covered by the student loan, and her accommodation by her maternal grandmother. That means £120 a month each from the 3 of you mentioned means she will be getting £90 a week for food? That seems excessive for a student
I totally advocate her being supported, but maybe she needs to get a job if she needs that kind of income whilst studying.

Bl3ss3dm0m · 05/09/2020 20:48

So sorry for your dilema OP, I have read all your posts, but not most of the others, so apologies if someone else has already mentioned it; if you do feel that you want to help out (but you are in no way responsible for this situation, so it should be your choice completely), how about compromising and paying £50 a month, hopefully that would leave you enough to save some money for your retirement as well?

Fudgemonkeys · 05/09/2020 20:50

WTF! Just say no! My son spent 5 years at uni and I didn't contribute at all and he didn't have a part time job.

keffie12 · 05/09/2020 21:05

@Onionpeeler your brother is alcoholic. What you have described is what alcoholics do.

How do i know? I'm 17 and a half years sober. My mom enabled me. I turn to drink because of the abusive marriage to the ex husband.

Being a longterm membsr of A.A I've heard and seen so much I could write a book the size of War & peace.

He has to want recovery though. You (all) need to go to Al-Anon the sister fellowship of A.A which supports the families of those who have someone in their lives where drink is a problem. Here's the link below

Unfortunately your brother is not going to stop drinking whilst he is being enabled by those around him. I also go to Al-Anon cos the ex is alcoholic, not in recovery. I have dual membership. It will really help you.

A.A also has moved on Zoom the past 6 months during the lockdown. Not all meetings have gone back to the rooms yet so he doesn't even need to leave the house to attend.

Don't offer him the money on the proviso of him going to A.A. He will say he has gone and he may/or may not have and its unlikely he will stick with it

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/about-us/

ItalianHat · 05/09/2020 21:12

In other cultures family is the most important thing, more important than anything else.

And in those cultures, generally the bonds of obligation are reciprocal. So an alcoholic son who misuses substantial funds that belong to his children would be shamed and possibly ostracised. The OP’s father would still be “head” of the family, rather than being cheated by his son.

SuitedandBooted · 05/09/2020 21:15

In other cultures family is the most important thing, more important than anything else. If you can comfortably afford it then it sounds like it would be greatly appreciated but it's your decision

Why are people still trotting out the "other cultures help" stuff? It doesn't apply to OP.

This man is asking for help, but does little to help himself. He has bled his own father dry. He is still living beyond his means.

There's a BIG difference between him and somebody like my work colleague (who IS from another culture). He send money home to pay for basic housing and medical bills, and for schooling (state not private as we understand it). Without this, the kids will have no education, and no chance to fundamentally change their lives. There is a no correlation between that support and somebody in the UK who has access to free education (but won't use it), good job prospects ( if he works) and THREE houses.

This man wants others to pay for his life. That's not support. It's extortion, via family obligation and misplaced guilt.

honeygirlz · 05/09/2020 21:57

@Baxterbear

If you can afford to do it, then why not consider it. In other cultures family is the most important thing, more important than anything else. If you can comfortably afford it then it sounds like it would be greatly appreciated but it's your decision. Some people much prefer to watch their hard earned money grow in their bank account.

You clearly feel entitled to your family members’ money. Whose bank account are you resenting for growing?

MarvellousMayhem · 06/09/2020 09:27

Personally I would say no. As it’s more CF of it really. Have you chatted with your niece about her plans at uni?

You identify that your Dad is enabling your brother. If your brother won’t get help then maybe getting your Dad help to not enable is the next best step. My Mum is an addict and the best thing for our relationship and my sanity was I attended a 8 week free course for people dealing with loved ones with addiction. Probably similar to what @keffie12 suggested?

Makerlady · 06/09/2020 10:20

No, just no. Someone has to stop this. He has money and needs to take responsibility.

surreygirl1987 · 06/09/2020 14:26

Yeh but even if he didn't have any money I'm still confused why the girl needs any on top of student loan? Is that really not enough anymore?

Pinkrinse · 06/09/2020 16:03

Do not pay. Do not even think about making attending AA part of the deal. We has to want to stop and why would he when every one is helping him carry on drinking? I’ve been in AA for 12 years, and I know from not only my experience but also from others that you and his parents are not helping him. Practice saying “NO it’s not my problem.” Good Luck! And our sister organisation AlAnon is worth phoning as they are there to help family if alcoholics.

surreygoldfish · 06/09/2020 16:57

All students are eligible for the non means tested loan - why one earth isn’t she taking this? DS is off to uni and we are paying his halls, he has the basic loan to live off and holiday job to top up as needed. There is absolutely no need to ask you for extra!!

MorganKitten · 06/09/2020 18:46

Just say you can’t afford it and know loads go towards accommodation.

ItalianHat · 06/09/2020 18:47

@Onionpeeler someone mentioned Al-Anon upthread. A good friend of mine found Al-Anon really helpful for dealing with her alcoholic husband, who spent about 20 years in denial that he had a problem (once he got sober he decided he didn't want to be married to her & went off with a younger model - as she says, you can be a sober alcoholic and still be a bastard)..

Other people can't really do anything to make an addict stop. The addict has to do it for himself.

But Al-Anon helps you focus on you and learn that:
you didn't cause it
you can't control it

Often, alcoholics in families suck all the attention & concern; Al-Anon gives you space to think through your experience, with people who know what it's like.