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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contributing to niece's uni costs

427 replies

Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 09:17

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

OP posts:
fuandylp · 04/09/2020 10:07

It's cheeky and bordering on emotional blackmail.
It's very sad that her mum died. It's been 5 years now so enough time for her Dad to get back on his feet and also to look at finances with a view to the children going to university.
If they can't afford the private school they should have moved the younger sister at an appropriate point (ie. not in year 11) or they should be making plans for her to move to a sixth form college for year 12.
The older daughter at uni can do what everyone else has to do - take out the maximum loan and get a part-time job and/or work full-time in the summer holidays.
If you are expected to pay 120 a month for her and then her younger sister (and if you've done it for the older one it would be almost impossible not to do it for the younger one), it works out at 8640 pounds over 6 years. That is just too much to expect and very cheeky.

If you don't earn a huge amount, I think 120 a month is too much and it's risky too - what if you were to lose your job or become ill or something else happens in your life?
Just say no, you can't afford it. End of story.

You could take her shopping to get some things she needs for her room or send her 100-150 pounds for books if you can afford it.
An uncle sent me some money when I started uni both times and another aunty sent some book tokens I think but that was it.
My Mam did the same for my cousins - they got a little something extra. One of them was doing a photography course so Mam got her some of the equipment she needed.

But a regular payment? No way.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 04/09/2020 10:08

I suggest your niece gets a job. They've obviously been living well outside their means but getting constant handouts won't help your brother long term (hence the situation they're in now!).

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 04/09/2020 10:08

Anyway, going to university is a privilege, not a right. Maybe she should defer, work for a year to build up funds, then go.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 04/09/2020 10:10

Your SIL died 5 years ago. That was the time to pull any children out of private education that your brother couldn't afford, rather than your parents making contributions. It would be a shame to pull the younger niece out of year 11 and put her into State school but I think she will have to go to a State School/State 6th form college if she is going to do A levels. Your brother can't afford to keep her there after this year.

In terms of the niece at university, they need to apply for whatever loans, grant and charity is available. If they cannot afford to be at uni with all the help available the your niece will need to defer and get a job to save some money to help support her through.

Handing everything to a child on a plate is not going to teach them anything about life.

Does your niece know what career she wants? If so, is there another way of achieving it without going to uni?

TheSoapyFrog · 04/09/2020 10:10

Even with the back story YANBU to not contribute. Have your parents run out of money paying for the child to have a private education?

eaglejulesk · 04/09/2020 10:11

No, just no! I can't believe anyone would expect you to pay her expenses, especially given you aren't earning a fortune. Can't she get a student loan like everyone else? Also, if your DB can't afford private school for the other girl she shouldn't be there. I'm sorry to hear the girls' DM has passed away, but it's still not on you to subsidize their life choices. Nothing wrong with a gift (money or otherwise) from time to time, but they are not your responsibility.

Didkdt · 04/09/2020 10:11

Your brother has bled your parents dry of their retirement savings and now he's turning to you.
It's sad the children lost their mother but that doesn't mean he just gets to abdicate financial responsibilities. He has to live within his means what ever they are. Private schools have bursaries and there are charities that can help if your niece needs that help but I repeat your brother needs to provide, his kids can't have champagne lifestyles at the expense of others. If your niece needs financial assistance at uni there are loans and bursaries she can apply for.
Someone suggested if you do this you'll be able to rely in your DN as you get older but you won't, you'll be at the back of the queue behind your brother and your parents whereas if you save the money you can provide for yourself.
Your being childless doesn't mean you have to fund anyone else's off spring.

Ginseng1 · 04/09/2020 10:11

Was it your parents or your brother who asked you? I'd hate for it to be a demand of me or a specific amount like that but I'd help out in some way if I could afford. My brother passed away this year my nephew missed out on uni due to results mess up so living at home & going to local college for a year & hopefully off to uni next year. I'd like to help him out then somehow but it prob more like I drop few quid into his account every once in a while rather than x every mth. And he is their only one & my own kids still few years from college!

Silentplikebath · 04/09/2020 10:11

Your brother should have sent his kids to a state school if he couldn’t afford private school fees. It sounds like he’s sponged off your parents for a long time. His wife dying while being a sad event, is definitely not an excuse to live beyond his means at other people’s expense!

I’d tell your brother that it’s important that your niece learns about the real world. She can get a part time job to pay towards her living costs. It sounds like a strange family dynamic. Is your brother the favourite?

BarbaraofSeville · 04/09/2020 10:12

If you did give them the money, do you think that they'd repay you later when the tables have turned financially?

Eg when you're on a small pension and they're in well paid graduate jobs?

Unlikely and obviously not something to rely on but it might be something to mention if you refuse to do it - you need to make the best of what money you have to cover your own needs and future.

IJustWantSomeBees · 04/09/2020 10:13

I wouldn't, it's not fair to expect you to give him money for his children when he doesn't actually need it (i.e. stop the private schooling). As others have said, he has had plenty of time to redo his finances in the time since your SIL passed.

Only do it if you can absolutely afford it and genuinely don't mind/ would have offered to yourself anyway

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/09/2020 10:14

Four of my children went to Uni. I am a single mum and extremely poor. They all got grants, loans and top up bursaries. I didn't have to ask one single person to contribute. Hell, even I didn't contribute (couldn't afford to!).

If they were short of money, they got a job. Why can't your DN?

Holothane · 04/09/2020 10:15

Er no not your problem cheeky devils asking for this.

VettiyaIruken · 04/09/2020 10:16

Fair enough if you wanted to and could afford to but I'm guessing from the fact you've posted that you actually don't want to/can't afford to. It is not your responsibility. At all.

PatriciaPerch · 04/09/2020 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatthebloodyell · 04/09/2020 10:17

Madness. £120 is a lot to contribute over 3 years, especially if you do the same for the younger one too!! I’d consider a one off gift of £120 to be generous from an aunt let alone every bloody month.

VettiyaIruken · 04/09/2020 10:17

Guessing?
Why the hell did I put guessing?
Seeing. Seeing from your post.

Jeez. I need a proof reader. 😂

cruisecrazy · 04/09/2020 10:23

What a cheek! Definitely not your responsability, Don't do it, look out for your own future.

shepherdessbush · 04/09/2020 10:23

You have been asked, it is not a court summons therefore you can say no. I will say though that in my cultural background this is very common, the whole family pitches in and then it will be paid back to you or your children eventually, if not in monetary payment then via care. My DH would never have had the chance to go to university if it wasn't for his siblings contributing.

SockYarn · 04/09/2020 10:24

Weird. Why are they even asking for this?

vickibee · 04/09/2020 10:25

if her dad is on a low income she should be able to get the maximum maintenance grant. which is just about enough to live on.
Is she going to a Uni where the living costs are really expensive ?

krustykittens · 04/09/2020 10:25

No way! He could easily afford to keep his daughter at uni if he take sher younger sister out of private school. Tough shit if he doesn't want to do it, he can't afford it! Also, it is very unhealthy to be raising those girls to expect other people to fund the lifestyle they want. It will do them the world of good to go out and get jobs and pay their own way at uni. It might help them to avoid becoming the CF their dad is!

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 04/09/2020 10:25

I am assuming your parents are the ones who have asked you to do this as I can't believe your brother would be such a CF. I would show them this thread so that they realise the majority of people think this isn't the right thing to do.

If your brother is so determined to provide his children with more money, perhaps he could mortgage/re-mortgage his home?

chocolateoranges33 · 04/09/2020 10:26

It would be a no from me, regardless of the back story. If your brother cant afford to contribute to his own daughters cost perhaps she should go to a near by uni and live at home. That's what I had to do. If you can afford and want to help, I would get a supermarket top up card and put £50 on it every so often. Your brother really should have stopped private education when he could no longer afford it. That's a luxury not possible for most families in the uk and not necessary.

Soubriquet · 04/09/2020 10:27

No chance I would do it OP

Not your child, not your cost

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