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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contributing to niece's uni costs

427 replies

Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 09:17

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

OP posts:
SBTLove · 04/09/2020 18:22

Why on earth did your parents go along with this?He owns THREE properties and his kids have inheritance yet they loan him money??
It’s insane, all of you should tell this fool
to feck off!!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/09/2020 18:26

Haven’t RTFT but I’m chuckling to myself imaging the reactions if DH and I asked siblings for contributions towards uni costs, they’d be mystified.🤣

If you want to give something, do it, but it shouldn’t be an expectation.

GabsAlot · 04/09/2020 18:36

ffs what are they teaching her though-ask for money and you shall receive

ar the kids spoilt out of guilt or something-shes being bailed out all over the place

she can surely get a part time job or he can sell one of his properties

Ethicalbluey45 · 04/09/2020 18:59

Their child their responsibility as an aunt you can contribute if you choose to , families are weird creatures they expect every crumb to be given to them and can be very ungrateful when things dont go their way we all have them trust me

LizB62A · 04/09/2020 19:19

Definitely a No from me.
I considered giving my niece some money every month (maybe £40 a month) when she went to uni but then I found out that she had given up her part time job as it was getting in the way of her social life.
I figured if she wasn't going to help herself why should I go short to help her out.

lotusbiscuit · 04/09/2020 19:35

If you can afford to, send a hamper of treats or take her to lunch now and again.
If you have spare cash then stick it in your own pension!

SuitedandBooted · 04/09/2020 19:53

I could afford it to be honest, I earn about £50k/year but I’m self employed and don’t have a pension so I’m saving for that plus I’m not guaranteed work.

Speaking as a former self-employed person, you can't really afford it. And don't forget that Niece 2 is hard on the first one's heels - and either/both may do a Masters too!

You brother has been dealt a hard hand with the loss of his wife and his addiction, but there is basically something very wrong with his thought processes to expect this level of support. Three houses, the ability to earn well, children put through private school and it's still "Give me YOUR money" Confused

Tell him "No. I need it"

fuandylp · 04/09/2020 19:58

Speaking as a former self-employed person, you can't really afford it.

^This..
I am self-employed and it only takes something like Corona to happen (extreme example but you know what you mean) and without savings to fall back on you can be up shit creek pretty quickly.
My income has halved!
Better not to start paying for DN1 monthly - if your circumstances change and you have to pull the plug she would then be left with difficulties. She should learn to stand on her own two feet from the outset.

Whoopsmahoot · 04/09/2020 20:04

Eh no, she’s not your child, why should u.

onlinelinda · 04/09/2020 22:16

If dad struggles financially then she will get a full loan and won't need it. We have minimum loan for our kids but we don't mage it up beyond what others might get if they only have full loan with no contribution.

mellowww · 04/09/2020 22:25

Well, it's easy enough to slate your bro for being an alcoholic who has broken down following the death of his wife. And keeping his daughter in private school to boot.

But I would focus on the children.

The younger daughter has got her school fees - £30k. That then leaves £20k towards uni or house. She's sorted. Dad or grandad aren't paying. Effectively Mum is.

The older daughter has £50k? So she should supplement her student loan/grant as required.

The girls are actually financially self-sufficient.

Your brother needs help. Start with asking your doctor??

So no, you don't pay. But you come up with a helpful plan. Maybe talk to both nieces before talking to your brother.

They've lost their mum. They don't need to lose their dad to booze and worry. Help however you can. But the money isn't actually needed.

Kasparovski · 04/09/2020 22:40

You could say that YOU can’t pay because you’ve now decided you’d like to invest your modest earnings in 3 properties. So then, tell me why, with all things being equal that an aunt should be paying for nieces more than their own father?

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/09/2020 22:51

Presumably you didn't ask your brother and his wife to conceive. You didn't plead with them to have children for you. Their decision to have children means that it is their job to support said children. Their mum has done her part by leaving them money - now it's their dad's turn to step up.

TorgosPizza · 04/09/2020 23:22

One of the benefits of not having children is that you don't have to put someone else through university. Refusing doesn't make you "tight". Hmm There are other resources available to them, and this is too big of an ask.

There are plenty of students who take out loans or work jobs to pay for their own education. If nothing else can be managed, she can do that, too!

BackforGood · 04/09/2020 23:43

The more information you've added, the more outrageous this gets !

She will already be so much better off than the vast majority of students, if her Grandmother is donating £7.5K pa for her accommodation ! Shock. She needs to read up on how student loans work. She isn't 'starting life with debt' in the sense of a usual debt, she needs to think of it as a tax.
But your Brother's sense of entitlement is beyond belief. Hmm

Newgirl20 · 05/09/2020 03:08

This is awful as a student I never even asked my parents for help let alone aunties or grandparents. I get if as kindness you want to give her 10 pound a week towards her shop or travel costs but 120 is ridiculous if you're not even the parent and you haven't offered first

Newgirl20 · 05/09/2020 03:09

My maintenance covered my rent and left me with about 70 pound a week to live off and I worked why can't she just work or open an over draft?

PonfusedCarent · 05/09/2020 03:41

Based on the updates since, I have to revoke my YABU. It's cheeky fuckery, in my opinion.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 05/09/2020 05:27

So your father has no home now he owns and his son has 3 properties Hmm

UnpaintedPaint · 05/09/2020 05:47

Niece will have to get a job, like my children did, and work throughout uni.

They received the minimum maintenance loan, and managed to get jobs and work throughout.

AlwaysCheddar · 05/09/2020 06:19

You have no pension.... then put any money you have into one, not for your niece.

Cheesess · 05/09/2020 06:25

Uni isn’t actually that expensive, I had more money than ever. Because I got a maintenance loan and worked at weekends.

eaglejulesk · 05/09/2020 08:20

Good grief OP - I've just read your updates, the story gets worse! Please put your foot down and say no. Your money will be needed for you - your DB is hardly struggling and it most certainly isn't your responsibility to pay for his children to make their way through life. This is one of those times I'm so grateful to be an only child.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/09/2020 08:28

Cheeses when did you go to university? You do know that maintenance loans are now calculated on parental income. It takes no account of parental expenditure though - parents are expected to top up their adult DC. Not all courses are conducive to working pt. And there's a lot of competition for jobs - those that used to be dominated by students are now being done by non students. The maintenance loan doesn't even cover rent in a lot of cases.
Personally I've found it very expensive having DC at university!

mrsjackrussell · 05/09/2020 12:01

I definitely don't think you should regularly support your niece. There's no reason why you should. It's really cheeky to ask you. Maybe help out with shopping now and again if you wanted to.

I haven't given my daughter a regular payout for uni because we couldn't afford it and also because I wanted her to be independent. We helped out with a deposit for accommodation and helped with shopping now and again. She hasn't asked us for anything and got a maintenance loan and also a grant for lower income families from the uni.

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