Contributing to niece's uni costs

[Onionpeeler]

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

@Onionpeeler

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

Now and again maybe as a treat but not every month. You're their aunt not their mum in the nicest possible way, it's not your responsibility

There's grants to apply for....

Loans..

It's tragic she has lost a parent so young.

The most is be doing is being a good auntie to her and perhaps bunging her the odd 50£....not a regular amount..

Your brother should have been prioritising future uni costs over lower school private fees.

I live in the UK but am not Briitsh, and am shocked by posters saying not to contribute! I think the bereavement is the big difference—tasing two children in that circumstance is hard, and I would not be ok with my nieces having less than they would otherwise because of their mother’s death. I find it very genuinely shocking that people say nieces are not your responsibility—if anything happened to their other parent, I imagine you would be considering stepping up as a full parent figure surely? I feel when one parent dies, it is the job of family to step up to the plate and provide what they would have tiebreaks (within reason).

But these aren’t homeless orphans. Yes, the poor girls have been through an awful tragedy, but they have a father who could have done so much more. Not going to private school wouldn’t have been ‘having less’ - it would have been having exactly what most children have. Their father could have moved to a smaller house or a less desirable area. I appreciate the OP hadn’t shared these figures when you posted, but his mortgage is £2k a month! That doesn’t suggest a modest home. Most crucially however, he could save a fortune by not pouring drink down his throat.

People saying uni is a privilege, not a right: would you seisojky be ok with a family member not being able to get an education because their parent died? And you’d just look on and shrug?

But she’s HAD an education - just not a university-level one. Millions don’t. You rightly point out that part-time work will be harder to come by post-COVID - but so will full-time work. Will that degree really be the golden ticket you think it is? And again, I’d expect her parent to do all he could to step up to fund this before expecting a family member to do so.

So much could happen in five years. (And it will be five years - no way will the brother not expect the same for his other daughter.) The OP could get made redundant. She could want to move house. She hasn’t mentioned a partner, but what if she starts a relationship and finds she’s relying on her partner for luxuries like holidays because a chunk of her income is going on her nieces? What if the brother remarries and his wife isn’t too keen on contributing to the children’s uni costs? Will the OP happily keep on paying while her brother enjoys double-income comfort - and end up resenting her nieces because of it?

CFs. Say no. Ridiculous.

Just read your later mail.

It's utter madness to spend 6th form at private school... When it gets WORSE results than the comp?!!!

She can presumably still see these pals...

I would be a good auntie and have a chat to her re her choices re the inherited money and what the money may mean to her in future...

I would also be doing as much I could to encourage brother to get treatment.

No doubt they all have had a shitty time....

But this situation is a massive headache!

If your brother asks about property again ask him why he’s not selling his foreign properties, if he’s asset rich he needs to use those to fund his life and financial commitments.

I think it really depends on how you feel about your nieces, to be honest. If you’re close and feel responsible for their happiness and life chances, you’d contribute. If you’re not and you don’t, you won’t. And it sounds like the latter.

I would say that student debt isn’t the worst thing and that if she’s doing economics at a good university she should be able to manage student debt after she gets a job - that’s how it’s structured anyway, so you only pay it back once you earn over a certain amount.

@Rainbowshine

If your brother asks about property again ask him why he’s not selling his foreign properties, if he’s asset rich he needs to use those to fund his life and financial commitments.

Yes, why isn't he asking you to do all this and he has several properties he can presumably sell? Entitled af.

There was a payout when the mum died. The two children got £50k each. The younger one says she is happy for her money to pay for her sixth form, two years at her school is £30k. I think the plan was for that money to be a deposit for their first home.

The more I read the back story, the more I think someone needs to say No to your brother, and also to your nice.

£120 x 3 is £360 per month - £90 a week just for living expenses on top of accommodation being paid for? That is a HUGE amount for an undergrad. She should be able to live on about half that. Half the fun of being a student is doing free or cheap stuff, wearing charity shop finds, making mending etc etc.

Your family is being manipulated by an addict - it’s what they do. You have to say no.

Save for your own pension, hard times, bigger house or whatever. Your niece can get a loan like most other18 year olds.

Have you earlier in life offered to help your neice and forgotten?
Your nieces are not your responsibility and I would politely tell the parents that you have your own bills to pay and their children are their responsibility.

Gilly12345 you might want to read ALL of Op's posts...

You obviously don't have to if you don't want to!

I have received a lot of financial help from extended family members but it was never expected. My own aunts have helped pay my rent and another has sent money for food all of which i'm super grateful for but it was never demanded. She has also paid the full tuition fees for another one of my cousins.

As I was reading the first post I though NO!!!.....well, if my sister died, her husband would struggle financially as he had been the primary caregiver, so I would probably do what I could to help my niece and nephew with university. I would expect any life insurance or inheritance to be handled carefully and saved for university if at all possible.

Further posts show that is exactly the problem you are faced with. I’m honestly not sure how I would handle it.

Why are you all enabling him? He’s had more that enough financial support already and it seems he could budget to fund university education for both kids if he was willing to adjust the expectations he has for his own life. For example, why can’t he change his position on owning properties abroad, allowing himself to be repeatedly bailed by family, his kids going to uni far away and not working while studying, them studying a full time course, spending the life insurance money on other things rather than university, expecting you and other family members to change your financial arrangements to suit him?

Your money is your money and you need to use it to secure your future. On a point of principle I wouldn’t offer it to him if I were in your shoes. Doing that would just underscore the notion that continuing to enable him is acceptable. It isn’t.

If his kids want to go to university there will be debt associated with that. That’s the reality for most people who study a degree. I’m still paying off my student loan over a decade later! That’s adult life unfortunately. If his daughters are that bothered about being debt free by the end of further study, they could consider an apprenticeship, find work before and during study, study part time to allow them to work alongside study or apply for bursaries themselves.

He’s asked me why don’t I sell my house (which I currently rent out) and buy a holiday home in Cornwall for everyone to use. It’s just weird isn’t it.

If you still haven't replied to this, or it comes up again, I would want to say 'Why don't YOU sell one of YOUR houses abroad and buy a holiday home in Cornwall for us all to use?' Unbelievable cheek.

If your niece is getting her £7,500 accommodation costs paid by her maternal grandma, then she's already in a better position than many students, financially speaking.
I kind of do think it's unfair to expect the younger DD to leave school to finance university education for the older one, who presumably had her whole education at private school. Although if the results at the state school are better, it might benefit her to do so. She might as well spend her 50k on school, before her dad blows it.
I'd tell your dad that brother needs to sell some of his assets and pay for his own children. Don't get sucked into doing what your parents have done and take over responsibility for your brother's life.
I would do the occasional shop for dn if she needs it.

@notalwaysalondoner have you read the thread? It's far from being just about whether OP is close to her nieces.

Don't do it. He will expect to bleed toy dry too whilst hanging onto his own assets. He already owes you, he has taken what would have potentially been inheritance for you to share

Why are your niece's accommodation costs so high? In her first year, she should be in student accommodation; it must be very swanky indeed if it's costing £7,500. Even if she's not in halls, it shouldn't be this high. My DS was in London and didn't pay that much.

Of course you don’t sell your house to provide him with a holiday home! Your parents have begged him to change the youngests school as they are struggling. She has picked up on that and has offered, I think that that is what the money is for and £20k is still a decent house deposit fund start.
Students go to uni with no parental support and have to work etc. You can gift or visit/buy shopping etc but committing to paying is crazy

A £2k pm mortgage is suspiciously high for someone at his stage of life, sounds like he's remortgaged and released a load of money. Where has that gone?

The niece doesn't need money, she's got all her maintenance loan available if her DGM is paying for her accommodation.

Any money you gave her, if you were daft enough to do so is basically giving her your pension to allow her to live an even more comfortable lifestyle.

NOOOO !

Your brother has wrecked his parents' finances; don't let him ruin yours as well
Especially not when the DC have inherited funds and he has a couple of foreign properties too
Also, most students leave with debt - what's so terrible even if he isn't willing to sell one of his properties to help them ?

You're self-employed
You should try to build up large savings for lean times - COVID is just one example of unexpected disasters for SE
You need to pay into a pension and / or invest in a property

Your brother is hanging on to his assets and trying to spend everyone else's

Oh wow. No!
I echo what 95% of PPs say and think.

Your brother is hanging on to his assets and trying to spend everyone else's

Succinct and true. dh has two brothers who are childless and are doing well. Should they pay for my children's education? Or their social life while at university? of course not.