Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contributing to niece's uni costs

427 replies

Onionpeeler · 04/09/2020 09:17

I've been asked to pay £120/month for my niece for her living expenses while she's at uni. She has a younger sister who will also probably go to uni so I'll probably be asked for that too. I don't earn a huge amount so I'm not that keen. I don't have my own kids though so am I being tight? AIBT?

OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 04/09/2020 16:12

You ANBU at all OP!

That’s mental that you’ve been asked!

copperoliver · 04/09/2020 16:13

What a cheek they have to even ask. X

Leeds2 · 04/09/2020 16:15

If the younger girl is willing to use her £50 000 to pay school fees, you could suggest that the older girl uses her money to pay university costs. If your brother hasn't spent this, it should surely be used before asking anyone else for money. If he has, it is probably as well that the girl knows this now.

SunshineCake · 04/09/2020 16:16

Someone really needs to have a word. All that money being spent on her education when the state school is better. She clearly can't see past leaving her friends at the school and when she's twenty five and doesn't have the £50k towards a flat she will regret it.

krustykittens · 04/09/2020 16:16

Your brother plays helpless but he is canny enough to milk your parents dry while hanging onto numerous properties! I think your parents need an intervention more, tbh, as it sounds like your brother, alcoholic or not, knows exactly what he is doing. He's not going to stop. So keep your money, OP, give your niece whatever you want to and not a penny more. She will do just fine.

krustykittens · 04/09/2020 16:18

"Someone really needs to have a word. All that money being spent on her education when the state school is better. She clearly can't see past leaving her friends at the school and when she's twenty five and doesn't have the £50k towards a flat she will regret it."

This. All this money wasted to spend to years hanging around people she may never see again once she leaves school. This money would be much better spent on getting her a place to live or debt free through uni.

ancientgran · 04/09/2020 16:19

One of my parents died when I was 13, I can well understand keeping the younger one at her school, it is really difficult losing a parent at that age and my education went to the wall and I got no support at school. If she knows her school and they are supportive I would want to keep her there and moving her in year 11 is a particularly bad time to do it.

I think if you have a good relationship with niece and could afford it then it would be a lovely thing to do if you want to. I don't agree with asking or putting any pressure on you.

Kasparovski · 04/09/2020 16:20

Only agree to loan him the money (written agreement) if HE attends AA / Smart Recovery or some other 12 step program. If he fails to attend stop the loan. Tough love is needed here sis...if you give him money how do you know he’s not just pissing it all away?

ancientgran · 04/09/2020 16:21

I think it does vary with families, when my niece became a single parent I sent her money until she got back on her feet and in my family it is just regarded as what family does. I don't think there is a right answer to helping, although again it should be your idea not theirs.

finished31 · 04/09/2020 16:26

Will your niece actually get the money if you all agree or will your DB spend it on himself?

and

If this was reverse would he agree to this for you every month?

Why is the 50k not in trust and has she gone to uni this year or next?

Tistheseason17 · 04/09/2020 16:29

I cannot believe some posters suggesting OP pays/loans thr money- WTAF???

Niece's Dad has 3 properties and each neice has £50k. He just needs to sell 1 house and stop being a selfish prick. Why does OP have yo fund their lavish lifestyle??

TenDays · 04/09/2020 16:34

YANBU. It's her parents' job to provide for her, and later for her sister.

Many students have part-time jobs if their university permits it. It's an important part of the experience - timekeeping/attendance, money management, teamwork, self discipline etc - which also looks good on a CV later.

Niece could flip burgers or sweep floors for a few hours for £60 a week instead of sitting around letting you finance her leisure time.

My son's university didn't permit termtime paid work but he took full-time warehouse jobs through the vacations and saved hard to cover his spending money.

His vacation employers gave him references when he went for jobs later.
OK, they couldn't vouch for his skills in rocket science! but they could praise his punctuality and good attitude.

MouseholeCat · 04/09/2020 16:40

This is a hard no, you need to make sure you don't become the piggy bank now your parents have been run dry.

FWIW, I do understand how these sorts of financial requests become normalised over time when there is a dysfunctional family member. There is a similar dynamic with DH's SIL and her 2 kids and I've realised that we've not been strict enough in some of our boundaries. The line walks forward an inch at a time.

TempestHayes · 04/09/2020 16:42

This is literally and honestly not remotely a thing people do and the fool who has asked you should be deeply ashamed.

TempestHayes · 04/09/2020 16:43

Oh, right, there's backstory.

Yeah, sorry about the death and all but he wasted money he clearly couldn't afford on private school. If he can't afford Uni, she gets a job, a loan or doesn't go, just like everyone else.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2020 16:48

"My dad doesn’t even have his own property any more"
What a wanker your brother is.

The answer should still be no. Don't enable this ridiculous situation.

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 04/09/2020 16:52

Honestly, I think because your brother is being enabled on all sides, this has become your normal; the fact that you're asking a public forum means you can't get any perspective on how very messed up this is. That's not a judgement on you, I've been there with family.

Your SIL died 5 years ago and that's so sad for you all. But the girls have been privately educated, had a 50k payout each and their dad owns 3 properties. That is NOT the usual experience of undergrad students in need of handouts!

If you are feeling daring, ask your brother how much he spends on alcohol per month, and that can cover 'your share', failing that he needs to get a hold of his finances and sell one of his foreign properties. Unbelievable.

SpilltheTea · 04/09/2020 16:53

No way would I contribute any further to the enabling of your brother. She needs a job or a loan just like everyone else and I highly doubt the money would go to her anyway. There's no excuse for his behaviour.

Chocolatecake12 · 04/09/2020 16:57

I was shocked to read this. Cannot believe you’re expected to do this by your brother. My ds is off to university and he will get a maintenance grant to help with costs plus I’ll help him out too but he knows he’s expected to get a job while he’s there too. I won’t see him struggle but at the same time he needs to learn to budget and live within his means - something your brother clearly hasn’t done and your niece won’t learn either.
Please say no to regular payments. I’m sure a gift of a supermarket gift card once every term will be welcomed.

simonisnotme · 04/09/2020 17:06

just 'wow'
your brother is expecting you to cough up money for his bloody daughter what a frigging cheeky bastard
tell him to get stuffed she needs to fund herself not via family

SinisterBumFacedCat · 04/09/2020 17:13

No fucking way!

RandomMess · 04/09/2020 17:18

Your brother can sell his houses abroad and they can downsize the family home!!!

He needs a short sharp dose of reality.

If he gave up drinking that would be £120 per month saved for a start...

They are enabling him, plus your DN will only have to repay her loans when earning a decent salary herself. Utter ridiculous that with her accommodation paid for that she needs anymore money.

gurglebelly · 04/09/2020 17:39

It's absolutely tragic about their mum dying, but I don't know what planet your dad is living on to expect such a commitment from you just because your brother can't get his shit together!

The issues are driven by a number of exceptionally bad choices on his part. If he's that bothered then perhaps he should sell one of the houses to fund university

fuandylp · 04/09/2020 17:52

With the backstory this just gets worse. Brother has bled your parents dry and now he's starting on you. And he's using emotional blackmail too.
Do not pay 120 a month. What a cheek.
If you want to support your niece in some way, go and visit her a couple of times a semester and offer to get her shopping in or take her out for a meal or whatever.

MeridianB · 04/09/2020 18:15

Time to sell the properties and review private school. They have £50,000 each for costs, too. Unless he has spent it. Why would your Dad think it’s ok for him to carry on like this, passing the responsibility for his daughters to you?! Please don’t feel guilty.

Swipe left for the next trending thread