Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

[LockdownDowner]

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

@SunshineCake

I think some brides and groom think the day is completely all about them and forget they are hosting guests who are there for them but also want a nice time.

I totally agree. I see that a few self absorbed posters like the idea of random seating, but the majority don't.

I will talk to anyone, but I am socially aware enough to know that not everyone is like me.

@Samcro

It's doable if we are can be sat with my parents and aunts who know dc really well but I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about being on a table with strangers - it would be a nightmare for everyone!!!

DH will have to stay home with dc if they keep to their plan. We were looking forward to two nights away with the rest of the family.

@DianasLasso

I'm sensing the split on this thread is about 90% "I hate it when B&Gs do this", 10% "Are you all boring misanthropes who can't stand talking to strangers (unspoken subtext: we did it this way at our wedding, and clearly we were right)?"

It's not that I can't make small talk. It's just that it's bloody hard work for several hours. And I take the point about friendship groups not coming in neat blocks of 8 - but I've been to too many weddings as a single woman who finds herself all on her own with 7 people I don't know to have much truck with the "try it, it's good for you" attitude.

I think though sometimes trying to keep big groups together is what causes the single person on their own with 7 other strangers. Whereas if the tables each have 2-3 'groups' of people who know each other (and ideally have a common interest) then it's easier to not have a single on their own (unless you genuinely didn't know anyone at the wedding other than the bride or groom)

For example with the OP if there is her, her DH and the two kids, plus her parents, the aunt and uncle and one single cousin and the tables seat 8, making the 8 that the OP wants sit together leaves the cousin on her own, whereas if OP and immediate family are on one table, the parents and aunt and uncle on the other there are two options for the cousin to sit with someone she knows, with a second group of three that are not known to the core family

I agree with people who say that if you are sat with your nuclear family already it’s a bit unfair to ask to be sat on a whole table with people you know - but if you and your partner are not sat together then YANBU. Doing seating plans is a nightmare and generally mathematically impossible to ensure everyone knows everyone else on their table. HOWEVER as your child has special needs I think it’s an exception and you’d be perfectly reasonable to ask.

How did you find out about the seating plan this far in advance? We did ours about three weeks before! We did ensure everyone knew at least one other person/couple on their table but purposefully put different cousins together from either side etc. I personally like weddings where I meet new people more.

@LockdownDowner I understand, my dd has cp and lds. so the idea of sitting with strangers would fill me with dread.

[quote LockdownDowner]@Samcro

It's doable if we are can be sat with my parents and aunts who know dc really well but I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about being on a table with strangers - it would be a nightmare for everyone!!!

DH will have to stay home with dc if they keep to their plan. We were looking forward to two nights away with the rest of the family.[/quote]
I think if you put it to your relative that your DC will upset other people on the table by making personal remarks about them and behaving inappropriately I'm sure they will understand, especially if it is a close relative. Is it your sister?

My relationship with my relatives is such that I wouldn't need to worry about asking for something like this. I find it concerning that you feel uncomfortable about asking her TBH.

FGS, the OP isn’t talking about going in all guns blazing and creating a scene, she’s talking about asking politely whether the seating plan could be such that her DC with SN sit with their family.

TBH, if they’re literally planning to seat no-one together who knows each other I would also be asking whether they thought that was a good idea as people won’t necessarily talk to one another. It’s one thing to have a couple of couples who don’t necessarily know each other at a table, quite another to literally separate everyone

And she’s going to be at the top table, with people she wants to be with, so what does she really care where anyone else sits?

Besides which, the seating plan isn’t usually done until a few weeks before the wedding. Here the invites haven’t even all gone out, so she can’t actually even think about a seating plan.

FWIW when I got married we had the idea of seating different people together so it wouldn’t be too cliquey. Not individuals but couples iyswim. My FIL said it was a bad idea and that if we did they would suggest their friends move everything around anyway. As I wasn’t going to be sitting with any of them I just smiled and nodded and we put people together who knew each other. No big deal.

Seriously it’s the dress, the service, the food, the friends and family which make the day. Not the bloody seating plan.

This is always a very very shit idea. No advice sorry!

@ iolaus

There are 9 of us from the same branch of the family travelling together to the wedding - no cousins will be left alone!

The bride is my niece, my brother will be on top table and the other 8 could be easily accommodated together and it would be 2 of her cousins, aunt and uncle, grandparents, great aunt and her stepmother.

By the time I joined this thread OP has already found her own solution and it's a good one. It's perfectly reasonable to ask and if B&G don't agree she has the option of declining.

There's a 'but' (isn't there always) about how IME weddings have a nasty habit of turning even previously sensible people into fruitcakes and that even the mildest questioning of their arrangements can quickly escalate into a shitshow. I hope that doesn't happen here (although unfortunately I've seen it happen more than once). But FFS. What exactly did they think they were hosting? A team-building exercise at a strategy away day?

OP, YA in no way BU.

the friends and family which make the day. Not the bloody seating plan.

Er, yeah. The seating plan that dictates the friends and family will - at least not for the course of the meal - not be socialising directly with their own friends and family.

Bit of an own goal there, if that's what 'makes' the day ...

@LockdownDowner please tell us though if the wedding is a year away how do yo know the seating plan already ? As I said before the seating plan is normally done after wedding invites are sent out and everyone has RSVP

As others have said, for most people split tables aren’t just for fun, they are to avoid tables where no one knows anyone or where there are 1-2 random singles/couples who don’t know anyone when the rest of the table all know each other well.

I would ask the Bride/Groom to accommodate you for your peace of mind and an enjoyable day, however I personally think the idea of mixed up seating is terrible, it's obvious everyone wants to sit by their spouse and family/friends, I would be very annoyed having to sit next to some old Uncle/aunt for a few hours but I suppose it is their day and their choices.

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know.

Ugggh WHYYY do people do this?! I don’t want to small talk with strangers or friends of friends when Ill never see them again!

It’s awkward and I dread looking at the table plan! Best wedding I went to was one where people were sat in their friendship groups, it was bliss and so much more fun.

Looks like majority of PPs also hate this so why is it the done thing?!

Horrid idea. OP - let I’d know what the bride says. Hope you get to have a lovely family day!

I agree. What’s the fun in just sitting with people you know already?

Because you can relax and don’t need to go through the ‘How do you know the Bride/Groom, where do you work’ rigmarole. I’ve never see these people again. I often chat/socialise with strangers in the evening but as it’s more casual and you aren’t in that formal forced setting bleurgh

We're getting married too, OP! We have seated people with their families/friends. Your request is very reasonable, you're not trying to be a pain the ass, you have a great reason to ask. I wouldn't be bothered at all, OP, and even myself I'm a bridezilla sometimes

To be honest is someone is bonkers enough to have this type of seating plan she not going to be listening to your request! I really don't like events where this happens, it doesn't make it enjoyable. Personally I don't think I'd ask her... but then maybe I wouldn't be that keen on going, especially if your DC has special needs and you need help.

I would definitely ask her. I agree with PPs that it's not the best idea but regardless of that, you are much more likely to come off looking bad if your DC end up playing up on the day and "spoiling" things. At least if you let her know that DC is likely to struggle with this arrangement, if she doesn't listen, at least you warned her.

Just ask her. I bet you lots of money she'll go "oh I didn't think about that, yes that makes complete sense - no problem".

Maybe, with a little luck she'll realise it's a crap idea altogether and sit people in groups that have something in common/know each other and you'll be hero of the wedding to all the other guests.

@LockdownDowner does your niece remember that your DC has no filter and will scupper her plans of forced conversation at the table?

If not then remind her that her guests will not enjoy the experience.

I have a nephew who, although not tactile and unlikely to approach people (a whole different problem), is unable to keep his thoughts in his head so has said things like "oh look at your trousers they are huge", to an overweight aunty. He has asked an elderly relative "why do you have a crinkly face?" He has walked into a house and said "oh it really stinks in here". Now it's hard enough for a relative to not rise to the comments but a stranger at a wedding?

As for the couples/singles who don't know anyone well - surely part of the table planning process is matching them with someone/a couple who are friendly & have something in common with them and will make sure they get introduced to the wider table so that they're included too?

I am very sociable and can talk to anyone, but I would hate this, at a wedding, kids aside.