Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

[LockdownDowner]

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

It’s a terrible idea but honestly I wouldn’t ask. Remember how hard working out a seating plan is? How everyone is wanting something from you from your wedding etc.
Don’t add to the stress.

we did a half assed 'mix' with our wedding.. tables seated 8, so we tried to split it with 4 from my family, and 4 from his were sat together.

We also made sure kids were sat with parents!

My nephew is severely autistic, so we made sure he was sat with his mom and his aunt and uncle!

I was about to say that I would infinitely rather sit with new people - I was really disappointed at my brother's wedding when it was just me, DH, DC and my parents on a table. Not that I dislike any of them, but I would have loved to get to know some of my brother's friends (we live in different parts of the country and don't see much of each other).

But special needs change things a bit. I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask, and if she can't accommodate you, I also think it would be reasonable to say that you won't all be able to come to that part of the reception. You could still go to the wedding itself and perhaps join in again at the "party" part of the reception but if the seating arrangement is going to make things that hard for your DC, there's no point in distressing them.

@sleepyhead

As for the couples/singles who don't know anyone well - surely part of the table planning process is matching them with someone/a couple who are friendly & have something in common with them and will make sure they get introduced to the wider table so that they're included too?

Great in theory. Don't necessarily work in practice. If they're 4 couples who don't really know each other then it can work, as long as you don't have one dominant couple. As someone who's not into meeting new people I've had very nice tables like that.

If it's one couple on a table where the other 6 know each other, then naturally a fair amount of the conversation is going to be along the lines of "Did I tell you that Aunty Bea's selling her house." Conversation that is boring to an outside and not sufficiently important to explain to the outsiders that Aunty Bea was the owner of the guesthouse they all used to stay in as children. That can be very uncomfortable either for the outsider, or for the others who feel they can't chat normally.

I see where the OP is coming from, but I can also see pitfalls-not only from potential situations referred to up top with meaning some people are left out, but also hurt feelings "how come they were put with all family and we were only with one other person we know. We're less important..."

I think mentioning it to the bride that the child with SEN may struggle with strangers on the same table is fine, but leave it up to them to choose how they arrange it.

This is one of the worst wedding cringes.

I’d actually not go to a wedding if they were insisting on this as it’s uncomfortable at best and down right unmanageable at worst for some people.

[quote Wexone]@LockdownDowner please tell us though if the wedding is a year away how do yo know the seating plan already ? As I said before the seating plan is normally done after wedding invites are sent out and everyone has RSVP[/quote]
@ Wexone

Yes, the wedding is next year and I know because the bride has been talking to my mum (her grandmother about it).

@LockdownDowner ok then you should definitely speak to her however someone should tell her the seating plan will change numerous times between now and the wedding next year so its pointless outing here energy in to it now. I think you should make sure your mother says something to her.

Of course I would ask. If you're good enough friends to be asked to invite someone's wedding you should be able to talk to them about that stuff. Part of hosting a party is making sure your guests have a good time so I'm sure she'll want to know.
Those people who said not to say anything and either fit in or not go, would you really have been bothered if one of your wedding guests had asked you for this?

I wouldn't like this. When I got married I made sure that, where possible, our guests would know other people in every table. Some tables were mixed but people would have at least something in common to talk about.

Many years ago my then boyfriend was best man and I was put on the table with the bridesmaids, all under 10! I couldn't even have a drink as I had to drive myself to the wedding.

@DianasLasso

I'm sensing the split on this thread is about 90% "I hate it when B&Gs do this", 10% "Are you all boring misanthropes who can't stand talking to strangers (unspoken subtext: we did it this way at our wedding, and clearly we were right)?"

It's not that I can't make small talk. It's just that it's bloody hard work for several hours. And I take the point about friendship groups not coming in neat blocks of 8 - but I've been to too many weddings as a single woman who finds herself all on her own with 7 people I don't know to have much truck with the "try it, it's good for you" attitude.

My personal guess: the 10% are VASTLY overestimating how much strangers enjoy chatting to them

(I'm looking at you, husband's aunt. Nobody cares that you made your own jewellery or how you make your coffee in the morning.)

Really baffled by some of these replies. The op is not being unreasonable in the circumstances.

Making out that it's just cos she doesn't want to sit with people she doesn't know?

All this stuff about her ruining the bride and groom's plan for their special day by asking? If their plan is to make an autistic child struggle to cope and potentially result in friends of theirs being uncomfortable and embarrassed, that is seriously weird.

In these very specific circumstances- that your child has SEN - I would ask. Ask her sensitively and she should be ok.

Normally I’d say definitely not!

I really dislike the 'forced fun' element of these types of weddings and generally end up having less fun. Personally sitting with you and your son though sounds fab, I love the innapropriate questions children can ask and I am never offended by them!

I’m eternally grateful that the last wedding we went to as a family had us on a table with MIL, FIL and DHs cousin and his wife. DS2 is autistic, and spent a good part of the meal collecting all the table confetti then disappearing under the table to count it all and comment on whether he liked everyone’s shoes!
He would find it hard on a table with strangers since he doesn’t understand boundaries, and I’m pretty sure strangers wouldn’t appreciate his special brand of honesty, or stimming which is often him spinning around in circles, or humming. I’m not sure how much conversation I’d be able to make with strangers when dealing with him either! At least family know him, understand him and wouldn’t bat an eyelid, and I didn’t have to spend the whole meal explaining his autism to randoms.

Update:

My niece has responded to my message and it looks like she is going full bridezilla! She is putting her concept of wanting everyone to mingle ahead of the needs of her family. I have decided that we are not going, I could go with one dc but I don't want to, we are a family unit and do things together, I couldn't leave autistic dc behind. My parents and aunt are also very upset and shocked - there is a huge backstory with my niece as we have provided massive support to her since she was a baby. I feel very sad.

I don’t think anyone really would mind confetti dragon-ing under the table or twirling and if they did, who is it who has the problem?
Go to the wedding with your autistic son and expect inclusion not just to be tolerated.

Oh I'm sorry to hear that OP. Still there's a lot of time before the wedding, she may see sense.

The reason I'm not going is to avoid putting my dc in a situation they can't cope with - I couldn't care less what other people think but I don't want dc to suffer.

Sorry if you have to miss your niece's wedding OP. Maybe she'll change her mind over the next year or so. If not, is it close enough (location wise) to just travel to the wedding ceremony and let her know the reception isn't a good idea considering her seating arrangements?

Ugh I also hate this set up

We had this at DH friend’s wedding a few years back, it meant we hardly saw our friendship group

Apparently the bride was worried our table would have too much fun and be loud so we had to be all spread out. I sat between her aacoubtsnt and a fruit farming uncle, it was fine, but meant we did not have fun as such

I guess that was exactly what the bride wanted (to control the fun)... but what a way to celebrate a wedding... making it as boring as possible!

Separating you from your SEN child is a whole other level of crap ness though!

Yanbu sounds like hard work and not enjoyable.

OP, I'm sorry you feel like this but I think it's a bit harsh to call your niece bridezilla. Lots of people do this, it's not some weird outlandish demand.

I think being seated with your children is a relatively small and understandable adjustment - especially given one child additional needs.

I have a daughter with LD and ASD and she would find being seated with somebody she doesn't know worrying. She'd mask as best she could but it would exhaust her. Actually the noise, unfamiliar surroundings and busyness of the day would be fairly stressful - sitting with unknown (albeit nice) people would finish her off.

Stay at home, bride can have the wedding she wants, send a nice gift and wish her well.

Bride is visiting my parents next weekend and I'm sure the topic will come up. My father is furious, he has an amazing relationship with dc and had expected we would all be sat together, he is not looking forward to sitting with people he doesn't know. My aunt is also upset that she is expected to sit away from everyone on yet another table, so upset in fact that she is also talking about not going.

Yanbu. Mixed up seating plan is a ridiculous idea, no one would actually enjoy that surely.
Usually I wouldn't bother saying anything and just go to sit with friends / family after the meal but in your case I think you'd be reasonable to say.

"Bride, I know you're planning to mix everyone up with the seating plan at the wedding but I just don't think dc will be able to cope with being at a table with strangers. It wouldn't be fair on the other guests at the table and I'd end up having to take dc out. I'm sorry to do this to you but would you mind sitting us with 'family members discussed'?"