Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

[LockdownDowner]

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

@randomsabreuse “My priority with my mixed table plan was to keep single people with some of their friends, not slot them in as a convenient filler for an unrelated (to them) group of 7!”

“The mixing was because once we had the RSVPs it was obvious group tables would be an illusion and at least half would be mixed. Once we'd accepted that mixing was inevitable (and that different sized tables wasn't possible without sourcing our own for £££) fully mixed (well 2 groups of 4) was the only realistic option!”

^^ This! Means no one is left playing gooseberry, wishing they hadn’t come!

Nope sorry but that doesnt seem fair. It is her wedding. And she can set the rules.
This isnt about you nor your child. If it is all too hard for you then stay home. You cant make her change what she wants for the sake of what you want.

You even said youve alreadybeen to a few weddings that have seating in the exact same seperated way. You managed then. So you can manage it now.

'The bride and groom get exactly what they want, and the guests have to make the call whether they fit in with that or not- not the other way round.'

If a bride and groom lack the awareness to realise a dc with special needs should be sat with their family then someone should tell them. I loathe all this 'the bride gets what she want' crap.

My auntie went to a wedding where the bride had put a huge glitzy 'Bridal Squad Only' sign on the disabled toilet so her and her bridesmaids had exclusive access to a larger area for their frocks. No concern about uncle and his wheelchair and how he'd cope

Surely though you invite people to your wedding that you at least care about a bit, and you wouldn't want them to worry when the fix is really simple? I wouldn't neccessarily have catered to everyone's whims, but if I had a friend or family member I knew would struggle, I'd absolutely want them to say something. I suppose though it depends whether you see your wedding day as chance to be me me me, or a celebration to share with those who have supported you both.

I would ask. If I knew my plans were giving my best friend anxiety, I'd change them in a heartbeat. She has probably just not given it much thought. Definitely ask if it's possible.

'This isnt about you nor your child. If it is all too hard for you then stay home. '

What an awful attitude. Why do some people lack empathy?

As others have said in the current situation, which will last months if not years, keeping households together should be the obvious plan. Even without that though parents should be sat with their dc. Those with special needs should of course be sat with their closest family.

Oh, Tootsie, really... It was a shite idea and all your guests hated it. Really. Accept it.

Good grief, what an awful idea!

I'd definitely ask. As PP say, you don't need to tell her that it's a terrible idea in general even though it is, but definitely ask if it would be possible for your family group of 8 to sit together. That shouldn't be a problem. She can still inflict social torture on the rest of her guests!

@Tootsie321 I’m not sure the OP is thinking about doing this, are you reading the same thread?

You are definitely not being unreasonable. The B&G are getting a bit ahead of themselves at this stage planning seating when invitations have not yet been issued, never mind replied to. 10% is the normal number of people who decline wedding invitations for various reasons. However, in these COVID times the numbers declining are likely to be higher. And, if word gets around about mixed tables then a lot more people are likely to decline. Who wants to sit and eat with strangers at this time? No-one. In fact, hotels and restaurants would not allow it at lunchtimes.

You could tackle this from a different perspective, get your mother and aunts to say gently to the bride that they are nervous about mixing given their age and only want to sit with Lockdowner as they know she's been following the rules.

The wedding I enjoyed least had no seating plan, not even a mixed seating plan, it was my brother's, every one of my immediate family were at the top table, I was so busy looking after everyone else's seating that I ended up at a table knowing no-one and despite my best efforts to make conversation with strangers I failed miserably, they couldn't be arsed to introduce themselves or include me in their conversations. My Dad and I went for a grand long walk after the meal to try and relax (he got stuck sitting at the meal with the MIL who was a bit barmy)and ended up in a pub, neither of us drinking more than a 7Up, having great chats and laughs with the landlady. A search party was sent to find us to come back for the first dance, they eventually had to start without us, worst wedding ever but great night with my Dad. Bride wore a pink BoPeep dress, still get fits of laughter when I watch Nanny McPhee.

I think it’s worth asking her if she minds re-jigging the plans so you 4 are seated together.. she doesn’t understabd your situation as well as you do and that’s probably why she’s split your group up

If we have to go to formal dinners like that with DD, who has SEN; DH and I sit with her between us, so we get to share looking after her, rather than it all falling on one of us.

If she was put somewhere else, I would ask the bride and groom to let DD sit with us. If they refused, we wouldn’t go - because we cannot expect other people to look after her, ensure she gets enough to eat and drink, etc!

It depends on how much help and support DC needs, on account of their SEN?

If a bride/groom was so self-important and so obsessed with a dratted "seating concept" that they'd rather see their guests uncomfortable than allow the disruption of their glorious "vision", I'd wish to know that well enough in advance so that I could RSVP a hearty "NO".

This "the bride/groom gets whatever she/he wants on her Special Day" nonsense is taken too far by some.

I've been to one of those when DH and I got engaged. It was his friend's wedding and since DH and I met and lived in another country - I didn't know ANYONE other than DH and absolutely hated being forced away from him and thrown to sit with complete stranger all evening. We made our excuses very very quickly.

I'd definitely ask for an exception in your case, but more generally - I'd never again go to a wedding with mixed seating plan.

God What a cringe fest. I can’t think of anything worse than having to sit with a load of people I’ve never met before and having to make small talk. Having spent over 30 years in a job where I’ve had build rapport and trust very quickly with varying types of people, it’s the last thing I’d want to do in my own time. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable thing to ask. She’s lucky anyone wants to actually go under those seating arrangements 😩

Oh lord - I would properly hate that seating set up at the best of times, but I think your close relative has rocks in her head for suggesting it for your family, if she knows what your DC is like!

I would hope that she would be able to accommodate your very reasonable request to have all family on your table at least - she can play ducks and drakes with the seating for all the other guests, but leave you all together, if she really feels the need for that level of "fun"

Otherwise I can entirely see why you would prefer not to go. I would prefer not to go to such a wedding!

Hope the bride won’t have any bridezilla allures and understand your issue. Of course, it’s up to the bride and groom to hold exactly the kind of wedding they want. But if I get invites where guests are seen just as some backdrop and extras to their self-centered ego-fest, I politely decline. That includes for example OTT dress codes, ridiculous locations that require expensive travel and accommodation or massively inconvenient dates, etc. As per the usual MN mantra, it’s an invitation, not a summons.

@GetOffYourHighHorse someone actually did that ? How did the hotel allow it ? Surely that's against the law or health and safety or something. I would have tore it down and used it. They would have had some nerve to stop a wheel chair user using the disabled toilet

@Yeahnahmum

Nope sorry but that doesnt seem fair. It is her wedding. And she can set the rules. This isnt about you nor your child. If it is all too hard for you then stay home. You cant make her change what she wants for the sake of what you want.

You even said youve alreadybeen to a few weddings that have seating in the exact same seperated way. You managed then. So you can manage it now.

I have been to weddings with mixed seating before - I managed as I did not have DC with me.

I'm glad I'm not a relative of yours - you have such a lovely attitude.

I don't really get all the hate for 'mixed tables'. Surely some mixing is inevitable? What are you supposed to do if you have a friendship/family group of 11 and your tables seat a maximum of 10? You have to split them into a five and a six and that might mean you have to split a group of 10 into two fives to fill in the gap because you don't have two convenient groups of five and six. And if that happens three or four times, then your whole wedding is 'mixed tables'.

I have definitely been to weddings where I sat on a 'mixed table' but I assumed this was just how it worked out, rather than it being a 'concept'.

Unless people are talking about tables where literally no-one knows each other and people aren't even sat with their partners, which does sound a bit odd and wouldn't even be possible at our wedding!!

The only reason I could think that anyone would do this is because seating plans are really hard to get right.

Honestly though, I would say something. Even if she could just seat you with one family member for your DC's sake.

We had a relative do this but we didn’t know until the day. Ds was a teen and has autism. He was only on the table next to me and said he was okay about it. Then someone that he didn’t know tried to make a joke to him. He had a melt down and we spent an hour sat outside! He calmed eventually and had completely misunderstood the poor mans joke.

You need to at least ask.

speak to her. I would.
my dd has sn and there is no way I would want to be put in that position,
tbh I wouldn't go, if we had to sit with strangers. family/friends would help us.