Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
PushyMeez · 03/09/2020 14:11

No idea why any couple would do this. They should want their guests (who, in most cases, have spent time and money to attend) to have the best time possible, and seat them where THEY would want (as far as possible). For most guests this is with people they know and would choose to celebrate with.

To deliberately go against the preference of the majority of guests (when it doesn't even benefit the actual couple!) is just weird. In your shoes I'd definitely say something, though it's a shame you're in that position.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/09/2020 14:11

I'm getting the feeling this is how you did your wedding, Tootsie
Protesting a little too much there 😂😂😂

SunshineCake · 03/09/2020 14:12

It's like when bride and grooms think they are doing you a favour by saying have a night away from your kids as they want a child free wedding. This is another version. We are going to give you new friends and give you a chance to socialise with someone new.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2020 14:13

@Thisismytimetoshine

I'm getting the feeling this is how you did your wedding, Tootsie Protesting a little too much there 😂😂😂
Same :p
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/09/2020 14:17

I’d ask. Surely it’s better to sit families together given the virus situation anyway rather than put random people together.

I’d send apologies if they are not willing to budge.

ShastaBeast · 03/09/2020 14:18

If they are a close relative just ask, surely they’d be understanding. And a whole year away is a long time and likely the plans will change several times.

I kept everyone with people they knew at our wedding and had a few singles on our table (replacing the nightmare in laws).

I know the feeling with the comments, my DD isn’t that bad really but I’m pretty sure a friend has been a lot more distant since one rude comment on her appearance. She wasn’t diagnosed at the time so no excuse.

SunshineCake · 03/09/2020 14:19

I think some brides and groom think the day is completely all about them and forget they are hosting guests who are there for them but also want a nice time.

DragonPie · 03/09/2020 14:22

Oh god why the fuck do people do this?

You are not unreasonable OP to ask, I have an autistic child so get how difficult it is.

I don’t want to make small talk with strangers at a wedding. I want to talk to my friends who I haven’t potentially seen for ages.

@Tootsie321 I suggest you know fuck all about autism. If you did this to your guests at your wedding I guarantee some of them will have had a shit time, but I guess ‘your day your way hun’. Hmm

Babamamananarama · 03/09/2020 14:23

She's not going to have finalised the seating plan yet - I would just drop her a line to say when you are working out the seating plan would you mind accommodating for X who will find it easier to behave appropriately if he's sitting with people he knows (or whatever words describe the situation best).

I mixed people up at our wedding (everyone was with some people they knew but also near someone they wouldn't have met and we thought really carefully about where the kids were to make it easier on their parents. I wouldn't have minded at all getting a note from a guest to that effect.

DianasLasso · 03/09/2020 14:23

I'm sensing the split on this thread is about 90% "I hate it when B&Gs do this", 10% "Are you all boring misanthropes who can't stand talking to strangers (unspoken subtext: we did it this way at our wedding, and clearly we were right)?" Grin

It's not that I can't make small talk. It's just that it's bloody hard work for several hours. And I take the point about friendship groups not coming in neat blocks of 8 - but I've been to too many weddings as a single woman who finds herself all on her own with 7 people I don't know to have much truck with the "try it, it's good for you" attitude.

mrsm43s · 03/09/2020 14:23

I think being sat as your own family of 4 probably is the concession made because of your DCs SNs. If they really can't cope in a situation where they have both parents and a sibling with them, sat in between Mum and Dad, then I would say you need to consider whether its fair to take them, as the whole day is likely to cause them significant stress. If they can't cope with 4 strangers at a table, how will they cope with the rest of the day - a ceremony in a room full of strangers, drinks/canapes in a room full of strangers, a disco in a room full of strangers, and evening buffet in a room full of strangers etc.

Although you say your extended family are happy to help, realistically they are unlikely to tell you if they'd rather have a break from childcare/helping out on this occasion, because I'm sure they see that this may cause offence. And since they are your close relatives, and you are a close relative of the bride, then it stands to measure that they are also close relatives of the bride. Perhaps the bride wants her close relatives to be undistracted and able to focus on her and her new husband at the meal on her wedding day, and enjoying the meal, rather than be doing childcare/helping you/distracted by your child? Just for one day - her wedding day.

Honestly, whilst I have every sympathy for you, because having a child with SN is exhausting and difficult, I think you need to choose between the situation as it stands where the 4 of you are seated with 4 strangers, or choosing for either all or some of you to not attend.

Wexone · 03/09/2020 14:26

Is the wedding is a year away? Mine is a year away and the seating plan is not even thought of at this moment of time. A far as I am aware from friends weddings this is done after all the RSVPs are received. How have you got this information ? Are you sure its not just Chinese whispers ? I agree with you I hate mixed table seating plans. you can be lucky and get seated with a good craic table or a boring one. One of the worst weddings I was at as one with no table plan at all, people could sit wherever you wanted . No order what so ever and took forever for people to sit down. If you find out that its true if you have a good relationship with the bride yes ask her quietly to change it. that table plan will be ripped up and redone again many time though. Its a year away though a lot can change in a year, I think 2020 has proven this. Don't be getting yourself worked up and stressed on something that is a year away

unmarkedbythat · 03/09/2020 14:27

*many of the people replying this thread that can't make small talk at a social occasion^

Of course I can make small talk at social occasions, but social occasions are supposed to be fun. Having to make utterly meaningless small talk with strangers is like work. Why would anyone want their wedding reception to feel like work rather than fun for their guests?

so desperate to catch-up with family/friends that they apparently never meet or speak except at events someone else has take the trouble to organise

I speak with family and friends regularly. I like their company. I would rather spend social occasions with them than with strangers. And like most people, I have a busy life- full time job, children, all the usual stuff, so yes, larger scale meet ups with wider family and friends are limited.

The overwhelming majority of replies in this thread indicate that this sort of seating arrangement at a wedding is massively unpopular and makes attending the wedding much less enjoyable for guests. When I got married, I invited people because I liked them, and I wanted them to enjoy it.

CleverCatty · 03/09/2020 14:30

@GrumpyHoonMain

Don’t make a big deal about it. On the day if your DC can’t cope then shift tables around. The bride and groom will never notice
This
Tootsie321 · 03/09/2020 14:30

@LockdownDowner

I can't believe that some people are actually suggesting that I move around the seating plan on the day! I would never even consider doing that!! Those suggesting that DC should be left at home - why shouldn't they attend the wedding? They would be fine sat with family they know well, asking them to sit with people they don't know is the issue. Bride has already asked about any dietary requirements for DC - I think the seating is an oversight. Wedding is a year away so still very early planning stages. I have sent the bride a message explaining how difficult it would be if dc is on a table with strangers and how strangers could find him difficult. I have asked her to think about it and said that it is of course up to the bride and groom. If she sticks with this plan I will have to reconsider going but I haven't said that to the bride.
OP, you had your wedding the way you wanted, but the b & g can’t have theirs the way they want, as it doesn’t suit you! I think you are being very CF, as bride probably now feels she has to rearrange things to the way you want! She can hardly make an exception for your family, parents and aunts, can she!
unmarkedbythat · 03/09/2020 14:33

@SunshineCake

I think some brides and groom think the day is completely all about them and forget they are hosting guests who are there for them but also want a nice time.
Yes! The attitude to weddings has become so weird in this country. You're getting married, that's lovely, you've invited people you care about to celebrate with you, also lovely, surely you want them to enjoy it? What's the point of them being there otherwise?
CleverCatty · 03/09/2020 14:33

@mrsm43s

I think being sat as your own family of 4 probably is the concession made because of your DCs SNs. If they really can't cope in a situation where they have both parents and a sibling with them, sat in between Mum and Dad, then I would say you need to consider whether its fair to take them, as the whole day is likely to cause them significant stress. If they can't cope with 4 strangers at a table, how will they cope with the rest of the day - a ceremony in a room full of strangers, drinks/canapes in a room full of strangers, a disco in a room full of strangers, and evening buffet in a room full of strangers etc.

Although you say your extended family are happy to help, realistically they are unlikely to tell you if they'd rather have a break from childcare/helping out on this occasion, because I'm sure they see that this may cause offence. And since they are your close relatives, and you are a close relative of the bride, then it stands to measure that they are also close relatives of the bride. Perhaps the bride wants her close relatives to be undistracted and able to focus on her and her new husband at the meal on her wedding day, and enjoying the meal, rather than be doing childcare/helping you/distracted by your child? Just for one day - her wedding day.

Honestly, whilst I have every sympathy for you, because having a child with SN is exhausting and difficult, I think you need to choose between the situation as it stands where the 4 of you are seated with 4 strangers, or choosing for either all or some of you to not attend.

This too. Do you really want to expose your DC to this for the whole day/evening reception etc?

A good friend of mine has a SN adult son and is now getting married next year (Covid 19!) - but then he's very sociable and has no problems talking to people, doesn't do stimming etc.

Another friend of mine has a SN 5 year old DD and they have a family wedding - they're going to attend the ceremony and main dining event but certainly not the evening reception and she's said she may have to take her out of both ceremony and main event if she gets too stressed on the day. The DD wants to go however and is also a bridesmaid so she's playing it by ear.

randomsabreuse · 03/09/2020 14:38

@DianasLasso

I'm sensing the split on this thread is about 90% "I hate it when B&Gs do this", 10% "Are you all boring misanthropes who can't stand talking to strangers (unspoken subtext: we did it this way at our wedding, and clearly we were right)?" Grin

It's not that I can't make small talk. It's just that it's bloody hard work for several hours. And I take the point about friendship groups not coming in neat blocks of 8 - but I've been to too many weddings as a single woman who finds herself all on her own with 7 people I don't know to have much truck with the "try it, it's good for you" attitude.

My priority with my mixed table plan was to keep single people with some of their friends, not slot them in as a convenient filler for an unrelated (to them) group of 7!

The mixing was because once we had the RSVPs it was obvious group tables would be an illusion and at least half would be mixed. Once we'd accepted that mixing was inevitable (and that different sized tables wasn't possible without sourcing our own for £££) fully mixed (well 2 groups of 4) was the only realistic option!

Sceptimum · 03/09/2020 14:40

When is this wedding? Mixing up large amounts of people - some of whom are elderly - sounds like a terrible idea with Coronavirus anyway.
I'd just ask the bride and groom to consider the points you raised in your op. They seem entirely reasonable, given the nature of who is at your table.

CoralFish · 03/09/2020 14:44

I think you can't ask them to change the entire concept of the seating plan just for one guest. Will there be four of you and four strangers on the table? Would that really not be manageable? Or would you really all be split up? Or is the issue that you don't know.

In any case, I don't think you would be unreasonable to highlight the issue to them. Depending on what you already know, something like: "Hi Bride-to-be, I know you have loads on and this is probably the last thing on your mind, but I'm worried DC will really struggle on a table with strangers. Will it definitely be six strangers on our table? Is there any way you can make sure we're near a door to the outside, or other family members to help with DC?"

The meal is usually a couple of hours in a whole day, so even if you have to take DC out for a significant chunk of it, there is still the rest of the day.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 03/09/2020 14:46

I think it would be fine to check that you will be seated next to DC for the reasons you mention. (Normally I would say have to suck up seating choices and smile about it, but your situation is a bit different!)

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/09/2020 14:48

Ask. You have a perfectly reasonable excuse. And I bet every other parent is thinking the same.

It's torture having this arrangement at weddings, even without kids there. DH and I have a reputation for being good at small talk and easy-going (though am not sure this reputation is very accurate!), so we always get lumbered with someone difficult or rude, to jolly along. If I wanted to spend 4 hours chatting to a narcissistic bigot, I'd go and see my mother Wink

Pbbananabagel · 03/09/2020 14:49

I wanted to do a mixed up seating plan but before I could my mother in law presented one with all her friends and family together so I couldn’t very well say no. I honestly think my family (much less of them) would have enjoyed getting to know certain people and it would have strengthened our relationships. Maybe check in with her so you can have grandparents next to you to support, but other people you don’t know too.

DalzielandPaxo · 03/09/2020 14:50

They’ve done the seating plan even though the wedding planning is in early stages?

PuppyMonkey · 03/09/2020 14:53

Good God, all these replies saying be prepared for the bride to say no, you might muck up her seating plan Confused - what kind of arsehole would point blank refuse a polite request like this FROM A CLOSE RELATIVE because they had a sodding “seating concept”?