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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
eminthebigsmoke · 04/09/2020 17:32

I know this isn’t helpful in terms of having the conversation, but we had mixed up tables and it was a disaster. I would get in touch and say that you know they will have thought very carefully about everything but that you were counting on having support from family at the table and is there any way that they would consider rejigging? Good luck!

eminthebigsmoke · 04/09/2020 17:36

Ah man, sorry I didn’t read through! I really hope she decides having family there is more important and changes her mind x

Kisskiss · 04/09/2020 17:39

Saw your update, she’s being a brat! Special needs means exactly that... if she can’t wrap her head around it the you’re well within your rights to not attend

FelicisNox · 04/09/2020 17:40

Normally I would say no but as your DC has additional needs and the wedding is in it's formative stages I would speak to under the guise of "We would hate to disrupt your wedding in any way so we.would be better off being seated with family if that's ok with you?".

It may be their wedding but if they want you there it's not an unreasonable request.

niugboo · 04/09/2020 17:40

@LockdownDowner as the mother of an autistic child I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in a situation where your extended family isn’t willing to rally round and include your son, and therefore you. Well done for advocating for him and standing by him.

I hope I don’t sound patronising but sounds to me like you’re nailing it.

Your niece does indeed sound like a bridezilla and her wedding awful.

mammmamia · 04/09/2020 17:45

Yesterday 11:53 Dollywilde

Oh god I hate mixed up seating plans. I adore weddings, and one reason for that is getting to sit at a big table with people I love while eating and being merry (sorry, breaking the MN rule of shitting on weddings there!)

Not read full thread but totally agree with the above!

Localocal · 04/09/2020 17:45

Definitely discuss with the bride in the nicest way possible - "your plan to mix up the seating sounds really fun, but would it be ok to make an exception for DC? You know how he struggles with new experiences and lots of stimulation, and I don't want him to have a meltdown. Could you maybe seat X,Y and Z with him and then we can take turns staying with DC and mixing with the other guests?"

Fishfingersandwichplease · 04/09/2020 17:49

My friend did this years ago and quite honestly, it was shit. I know it is their day blah blah but l was sat with all her cousins whilst another friend was with her auntie etc, we were all separated and it just didn't work. But as pp have said it is her wedding she may change her mind if wedding only in early stages x

Ginfordinner · 04/09/2020 17:49

Localocal have you read all of the OP's updates?

beeline · 04/09/2020 17:55

Good response x

cherish123 · 04/09/2020 17:56

I would not mention it. It would seem very rude. They are paying, after all.

DJ81 · 04/09/2020 17:58

OMG, I would definitely ask. She has probably had so much on her mind as was not thinking about your family needs (not meant in a rude way). You said you are close and she understands so I am sure it will be fine. Just let her know that it would have the potential for not only you and your family to have anxiety but maybe those who are currently planned to be at the table with you dc. You also don’t want any ‘drama’ for her on her big day.
Take care and sending lots of love x

Haworthia · 04/09/2020 17:59

I HATE this. It’s so joyless for everyone involved. I want to sit and chat with people I know, not the bride’s auntie and a cousin of the groom. Why do people think it’s a great idea?

Pandacub7 · 04/09/2020 18:06

@LockdownDowner just read all your replies. I think you should still go to the wedding to avoid a big family drama. I originally thought she was going to split you from your DC, but if you’re all sat together with a couple of strangers then that can’t be too bad. Your DC will be socialising with strangers all day, not just at the table. If they put your DC with only strangers, the fair enough. But that isn’t the case here.

Ginfordinner · 04/09/2020 18:06

@cherish123

I would not mention it. It would seem very rude. They are paying, after all.
Don't you think it is rude not to take any guest's disabilities into consideration? A wedding isn't just about the bride and groom you know.
Ginfordinner · 04/09/2020 18:07

@Pandacub7 please read the OP's updates. sitting with strangers is bad for her DC.

Commonwasher · 04/09/2020 18:22

Astounded by some of these responses.

Of course its not at all unreasonable to request a small concession which would enable your child with particular SEN to participate in a family occasion.

I wouldn’t imagine the OP would even consider asking if there was a reasonable chance her son would cope fine on the day.

Its very unreasonable of the bride to put her ‘concept’ ahead of all other considerations, but weddings tend to grow arms and legs of their own, and even couples who are normally reasonable and easy going, get very precious about stuff that doesn’t really matter. Maybe try not to hold a grudge.

I think it happens a lot though, where different needs and abilities are excluded or effectively dis-abled by the arrangements at weddings in a way that would never be acceptable at public events. I went to a wedding with my Mum when she hadn’t long to live. There was no concession to her, no food she could eat, nowhere to rest, and there was also a guest in a wheelchair who could not even get into the venue as it had no ramp. The industry promotes this idea that you must have exactly what you want on your wedding day to the exclusion of everything (everyone) else.

Ckzoaa · 04/09/2020 18:23

As the mother of a ds with autism I 100% agree with you. It will be too much for your dc to cope with from what you’ve shared and also for you and the other guests too.
I get married next year and I am so worried about how my ds will cope on the day.
She’s very insensitive I hope you get a resolution though it’s sad when family relationships break down. Flowers

Jack80 · 04/09/2020 18:25

Maybe just say can we sit together because of your child. I'm sure she will understand

wildcherries · 04/09/2020 18:35

@Jack80

Maybe just say can we sit together because of your child. I'm sure she will understand
If you read the OP's posts it didn't quite work out that way, unfortunately.
Pandacub7 · 04/09/2020 18:36

@Ginfordinner I read all OP’s posts before I commented. I think she said they’re a family of 5 so there’d only be a couple of strangers sat with them. If her DC is okay at a big social gathering, then maybe they’d be okay to sit at a table for a short amount of time? Maybe OP could focus most of her attention on her autistic DC to reassure them? Not the best solution, but I’m playing Devil’s Advocate here. I’d personally hate to be on my own at a table full of strangers that might know each other fairly well, but at least the family is together.

Lisa82sim · 04/09/2020 18:41

Why do people at weddings have mixed seating plans.... I absolutely hate this.... Never enjoyed any wedding because they sit us with absolute strangers. For my wedding we sat everyone together with people they knew... We had guests all night come up to us and whisper a word of thanks for sitting us with the people they knew because it made their night better. You want guests to be relaxed and happy, not tense making small talk. I would tell her.

Tubs11 · 04/09/2020 18:47

Ugh, I don't understand why couples do this for their wedding. I've been to a wedding like this, it was cringe, fairly boring and everyone invited remembers it being an awkward day.

OchonAgusOchonO · 04/09/2020 18:47

@Lisa82sim - Why do people at weddings have mixed seating plans.... I absolutely hate this.... Never enjoyed any wedding because they sit us with absolute strangers.

I think they're shit. You think they're shit. Pretty much everyone on here thinks they're shit. Presumably those doing it have been to events, even if not a wedding, where they were seated with strangers and have also thought it was shit. Why then do they think their wedding will be any less shit if they mix-up the tables? Are they arrogant enough to think that they, and only they, have the magic touch that will make the situation not shit?

Lookatthemshine · 04/09/2020 18:51

I just find this thread desperately sad. The OP has a child with challenging needs, she’d love to take part in a family celebration, had identified how best to handle it and her niece won’t let her make this most minor (to most people but not the OP) of changes - to sit with her family. How petty and shortsighted. To break a family bond over a seating plan! I think the niece will - in hindsight and with a bit of life experience - regret this intransigence.