Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

[LockdownDowner]

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

My sister had a mixed up wedding and I ended up sitting next to some kids, a middle aged man who bored me to tears and was probably her idea of a matchmaking attempt and a couple of other people who didn't speak for the entire evening. It was excruciating.

People that don't like mixed seating plans

Is it because you genuinely don't like talking to people you don't already know? or
Is it because the events you've been to have just had really bad seating plans that have put inappropriate people together

It’s because a wedding is a great opportunity for me to catch up with friends I haven’t seen for ages. Why would I want to sit with people I don’t know and have to make small talk with and probably never see again when I can have a laugh with my friends.

You can’t force social situations. You can force your friends to all make friends?

I hate small talk, I find it uncomfortable. I don’t mind sitting at a table if DH is with me or I at least know a few people but I would hate to sit at a table where I know no-one and I don’t understand why anyone would make a seating plan based on this. I would assume you don’t give a shit about any of your guests.

As a pp said, stop trying to micro manage people.

Not to mention the after dinner music was all jazz which to me sounds like a million cats wailing. I just got more progressively pissed as the night wore on just to be able to bear it.

@doginatent

I've never been to a wedding with a mixed seating plan, but went to a wedding a couple of years ago where we literally only knew the B&G - long lost family and deceased mutual parent. Neither DP and I are particularly outgoing and whilst we were pleased to be part of the day, it was bloody awful having to make small talk with people we don't know and would, in all likelihood, never see again.

Obviously our circumstances made it like that, but i cannot understand why someone would put over a hundred people in that situation. I want to catch up with my friends, not talk to someone else. Its rude, and TBH, inflammatory.

I too hate sitting with people I don’t know. I don’t want to make small talk with people I’ll never see again, I’m just not interested. I’m still haunted by the time in my late teens I was put next to a gentleman in his 50s and he spoke at me about fly fishing for an hour - horrific. All I wanted to do was to catch up with family friends I rarely saw.
OP - just don’t go and wish her a lovely day. She is entitled to the wedding she wants to have and you are entitled to go and have a lovely day out as a family elsewhere.

I think weddings are a great time to catch up with friends and family rather than to make new friends. Sadly I don't have as much time as I'd like to see my current friends so would rather spend time with them if possible. I also just think it's more fun to socialise with people I already know and like.

^ this is why I now dislike colleague's weddings and will look for a polite excuse to have to leave early. You can guarantee 80% attending will be family/family friends and won't talk to anyone else.

I've just got things I'd rather be doing at a wedding than talking to strangers. Never minded small talk with people I don't know, it's just not remotely desirable to have it enforced for at least an hour when there are actual loved ones present.

Why would anybody in their right mind think that this is a good idea?

If an old school friend is getting married I want to be seated with our mutual friends. Not somebody from their work who I'll never see again!

In your situation I would absolutely ask for the seating to be changed to accommodate your family's needs. If she can't or won't, I would decline the invite. Contrary to popular opinion weddings are not solely about the bride and groom's whims, they should be ensuring that their guests are comfortable and can enjoy themselves.

As a parent of an autistic child I find so many replies on this thread so disappointing and hurtful. It just makes me sad. If the OP’s son was in a wheelchair and was asking to make things a little bit easier for him, would you be saying the same thing?

It’s a fucking seating plan. It is not more important. FFS.

[quote Itisbetter]**@BikeTyson* But they can accommodate it, they just won’t. And in the case of a disability, it sounds more like a need than a want.* They can’t accommodate it AND have the wedding party they have chosen. As I’ve said upthread most parents of disabled children develop multiple strategies to overcome access for their children. OP could come up with many alternative plans. She’s obviously hurt the bride won’t follow her preferred plan but I think she may be able to put that to one side and find a way.[/quote]
Yes @ Itisbetter I would love to know what all of these alternate plans are that you seem so confident would meet the needs of my child? Do you really think I haven't looked at all the options? It's going to be stressful and difficult even if we are seated together with the rest of our close family. I will still need distractions and probably need to remove DC at times even with additional support.

I don't think you can ask them to change the seating plan for everyone (though it sounds like a silly seating plan); but it would certainly be reasonable to ask them to ensure that your child with special needs is placed with you or another close family member.

And if they refuse to accommodate your child's needs, then you would be totally justified in not going!

How old is he @LockdownDowner ? What strategies have worked and what have been dismal failures?

I’m not sure what the SNChildren board is like now but it used to be a brilliant place to explore different ideas. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you by suggesting Thinking of other solutions or declining the invite. It’s genuinely what I would do and given I have an autistic child of my own I probably can imagine the sort of issues you might be facing.

Wow your niece has totally gone bridezilla. Her wedding is going to be so boring if no one knows each other and has to talk to strangers. Why does that particular seating plan matter, how is it going to affect her wedding? Oh wait, its not..

I do love these bridezillas though. They must be a divorce lawyers dream, all that money coming in from their failed marriage/s because they are too focused on a perfect wedding to remember that the relationship is actually the important bit.

This is such a tiny and sensible change to make, it surely falls under the "reasonable adjustment" bracket. Why would you place W, X, Y and Z at OP's table when you could put A, B, C and D there who know her dc and won't take offence at any unfiltered comments, but W, X, Y and Z likely would? Wouldn't it be kinder to W, X, Y and Z to place them elsewhere and kinder to OP's family who can manage the event more successfully? It's like the difference between putting her table in the middle of the room, rather than one of the ones round the edge and preferably near an exit?

These are all reasonable adjustments that schools and other settings have to make on a regular basis. It's no big deal, it can be arranged without fuss, and it's rather cruel to OP's family to make a big deal out of it (not that B&G have complied graciously).

I hope the B&G do have a change of heart nearer the time, although this don't care attitude is the sort to leave a bitter taste in the mouth.

@Itisbetter

Child is 14. Diagnosed at 3 and attends a special school for pupils with server/ multiple/complex needs. I've done the courses, I know the triggers and what works as a distraction. We travel abroad and go to restaurants but all carefully managed.
Anxiety would be sky high if sitting with strangers, no distraction in the world will change that and if my neice refuses to make that adjustment to enable us all to attend we will stay home and my opinion of her will be changed forever.

FFS why are people insisting that OP doesn't know the best ways to deal with her own child?

It's completely ridiculous that there are people on here telling her to "just handle it" or whatever.

And as for the bridezilla - does her special seating really mean more than the comfort of a child who, through no fault of his/her own, already faces hundreds of different challenges that NT people are lucky enough to never have to face?

Is the comfort and happiness of a child with SN and a supposed beloved relative at that not worth sacrificing ONE table at your precious wedding?

WTF is wrong with people? Why would you NOT try to make things easier and better for him?

@Devlesko

YABU, they've considered this long and hard, I would imagine and it's what they want. Only a cf would question their decision. I'm sure you are free to socialise with who you want to and move around as you feel fit.

I'm not sure you can say this definitively, as the planning is in the early stages. Equally, it may just be that nobody has pointed out how much most people seem to dislike being placed with strangers. She could change her mind especially if the concept "occurs" to her via another family member, before you make your perfectly reasonable request.

I say this only as you've pointed out that you are close family members, btw. I wouldn't attempt any gentle meddling if that weren't the case!

I absolutely would explain the difficulty the current plan would create for you though, as politely as possible. If I didn't know the bride or groom very well, however, I'd just decline the invitation rather than bring it up.

Mine is a little older but I would imagine in the same cohort 👋🏼 You could offer to skip the meal and just attend before/after or both as a family? For us sitting near a door is fairly important as speeches just wouldn’t work but it sounds like you’ve covered that. Not useful now but restaurants like Wagamama with communal tables are really good for practicing group eating.

If it really is impossible for him then what can you do? I think I’d stay home and wish her well. I know you could go by yourself but it will make you miserable from the sounds of things. You seem to have a lot of history with the bride, help her find a way to make this less hurtful. Planning a wedding is a learning experience. Her parents should be leading her through the process so that she can become a thoughtful and kind hostess in the future. If she doesn’t have those mentors around her She is likely to make many mistakes.

Oh dear, I can see now that I didn't read enough of the thread before chipping in- I'm so sorry!

FFS why are people insisting that OP doesn't know the best ways to deal with her own child?

These are probably posters that are similar bridezillas to ops niece and would freak out if guests weren't wearing the correct shade of pink that they were told to.

I voted YABU, but I have sat on it, and thought about it, and bearing in mind the bride is your niece and cousin to your child, that she knows his limitations and that she cant be bothered to accomodate a disabled child fgs I wish I could change my vote to YANBU.
As to those who pontificate about the child having to get used to people. His brain isnt wired that way and never will be, its like a one legged man growing a leg. Impossible!
I wish you all the best OP, my opinion of my niece would be changed forever too.

You can change your vote.

[quote LockdownDowner]@Itisbetter

Child is 14. Diagnosed at 3 and attends a special school for pupils with server/ multiple/complex needs. I've done the courses, I know the triggers and what works as a distraction. We travel abroad and go to restaurants but all carefully managed.
Anxiety would be sky high if sitting with strangers, no distraction in the world will change that and if my neice refuses to make that adjustment to enable us all to attend we will stay home and my opinion of her will be changed forever.[/quote]
I absolutely understand, having brought up a child with very similar-sounding issues. Both how difficult it would be to be seated with strangers, and how disappointed I would feel that a close family member would simply refuse to accommodate your child on a special occasion, effectively excluding you all.

It's a rotten situation all round, and you have my absolute sympathy.

OP, you are not asking for the moon on a stick here. It's a completely reasonable and easily achievable request. In your position I would be hurt if my niece refused to make such a minor adjustment to accommodate a close family members disability and I would have no qualms about not attending. Especially as the adjustment you're asking for wouldn't change her experience of the day, or her Husband-to-be's experience in anyway whatsoever but would save you and your child from having a potentially very stressful experience.

Those saying OP should just suck it up and go regardless or "just see how it goes and change seats when you get there if you need to" clearly have no idea. I'm sure OP would dearly love to just go with the flow, enjoy her nieces wedding and see how it all goes on the day but it doesn't work like that! Being the parent of a child with significant SEN means having to pre-plan for events like weddings, to anticipate triggers and get-ahead of potentially meltdown-inducing situations out of absolute necessity.