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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
HorsePellets · 04/09/2020 11:33

YANBU. If the bride and groom were as close to all of you as you believed then they’d think of your child’s needs and make sure that you could all attend.

@Slytherinprincess has the straight of it.

Itisbetter · 04/09/2020 11:34

I don’t think OPs ds IS being excluded. I think he’s just not being accommodated in the way OP wants. If he can’t manage the meal that is on offer and they can’t accommodate the meal he wants he will have to decline the invite just as any other person would.

Think of a way round it and move on with your lives.

DarkMintChocolate · 04/09/2020 11:35

DS got married in Poland last year, so DDIL had the additional stress of arranging a wedding long distance from here. Only our immediate family, DDs, DD2’s boyfriend and widowed SIL were prepared to pay to go to Poland for the weekend. Grandmas felt too old to go that far.

I am so glad they put people, who knew each other together! DS put widowed SIL on the top table with us, and DD with SEN between me and DH. DS didn’t expect SIL to make small talk with the table of his friends in their 30s all day - the only other English people there!

BikeTyson · 04/09/2020 11:37

and they can’t accommodate the meal he wants

But they can accommodate it, they just won’t. And in the case of a disability, it sounds more like a need than a want.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 04/09/2020 11:39

@Costacoffeeplease

I just wouldn’t go, as I said previously I refused an invitation to this sort of wedding, from a very close family member. I have a physical disability and am uncomfortable being with people I don’t know, who don’t understand my particular issues. My relative kept insisting too, so I put my foot down, and have had very little to do with them since. If my comfort is not a consideration, then I see no reason to consider them
^ I understand your feelings here and agree entirely. Also the OP has fully explained her reasons and I can’t understand why so many people have posted such hostile replies.

Surely one of the main aims for a wedding is for family and friends to join the bride and groom in celebrating the day together. Not to create an atmosphere where total strangers are put into random groups where many people would feel uncomfortable. Surely for the sit down meal it makes sense for people who know each other and get on well to sit together. There is nothing stopping people from mingling later in the day if they want to, but why force it on people?
To top it off deliberately ignoring the needs and wishes of a guest who has a known disability is just so selfish.
I think the OP is doing the right thing in putting her DC first and not attending.
This wedding is shaping up to be as unwelcoming and unfriendly is it’s possible to get.

unmarkedbythat · 04/09/2020 11:43

@Itisbetter

I don’t think OPs ds IS being excluded. I think he’s just not being accommodated in the way OP wants. If he can’t manage the meal that is on offer and they can’t accommodate the meal he wants he will have to decline the invite just as any other person would.

Think of a way round it and move on with your lives.

Of course they could accommodate OP's son's needs, they just don't want to.
Itisbetter · 04/09/2020 11:49

@BikeTyson But they can accommodate it, they just won’t. And in the case of a disability, it sounds more like a need than a want. They can’t accommodate it AND have the wedding party they have chosen. As I’ve said upthread most parents of disabled children develop multiple strategies to overcome access for their children. OP could come up with many alternative plans. She’s obviously hurt the bride won’t follow her preferred plan but I think she may be able to put that to one side and find a way.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/09/2020 11:56

I don’t see why she should tbh

OneInEight · 04/09/2020 11:59

OP could come up with many alternative plans.

I am sure it would be helpful to the OP (and others in similar situations) if you could enlighten her as to these alternative strategies.

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 04/09/2020 12:01

@OneInEight

OP could come up with many alternative plans.

I am sure it would be helpful to the OP (and others in similar situations) if you could enlighten her as to these alternative strategies.

Yes, do please share!
unmarkedbythat · 04/09/2020 12:05

OP could come up with many alternative plans. She’s obviously hurt the bride won’t follow her preferred plan but I think she may be able to put that to one side and find a way.

Are you aiming to complete a bingo card of ableist bullshit or something?

Itisbetter · 04/09/2020 12:08

@OneInEight I listed some upthread, but OP will have attended other things with her child and will have used other approaches. I don’t know her son but ultimately if the only way he can attend is using her plan she can just decline and explain. There may be other ways. (Is it that you think I don’t understand how difficult it could be? That’s not the case)

Rhubardandcustard · 04/09/2020 12:08

Their wedding their choice but if I knew this was the plan I wouldn’t be attending. That said you never normally know where you are on the seating plan anyway until the actual day so maybe just go and it will be ok - I expect everyone will just move and sit with friends once the meal part is over.

BikeTyson · 04/09/2020 12:11

They can’t accommodate it AND have the wedding party they have chosen.

They can though - all other guests could be mixed up the way they want, it’s just this one table that wouldn’t be. Would one table having people who know each other, to accommodate a disability, really change the entire wedding party? If I was a guest subjected to sitting with strangers I wouldn’t complain (or probably even realise) that another table were related to each other for this reason.

wildcherries · 04/09/2020 12:14

@RhymesWithOrange

I get it OP Thanks I don't know why some people are being so wilfully obtuse.
Me either.

It would be nice if people were accommodating to disabilities rather than patronising, life is hard enough anyway and it feels like a real kick in the teeth when someone you though understood turns out not to and this is so painfully true.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. Sounds to me like your DC is lucky to have you as a parent.

DogInATent · 04/09/2020 12:27

People that don't like mixed seating plans,

Is it because you genuinely don't like talking to people you don't already know? or
Is it because the events you've been to have just had really bad seating plans that have put inappropriate people together?

I don't like events of this type where there isn't a seating plan. It makes it very hard to socialise and start a conversation when you may know the bride and/or groom quite well but aren't part of any of the large family cliques that have circled the wagons around the big tables.

Hint to any brides/grooms, if you're going to be too busy to host (very likely, not unreasonable) get a couple of ushers instructed to work the room, make introductions and keep any eye out for any singles/couples standing around the edges nursing a glass and checking their watch to see if it's ok to head off yet.

DianasLasso · 04/09/2020 12:39

Dog it varies from one wedding to another.

When it's completely mixed up deliberately (as seems to be the intention here - OP mentioned that the B&G are even sitting her recently widowed elderly aunt on a table with 7 complete strangers, in order to fulfil their dream of a 'concept wedding'), then as someone noted upthread, it begins to feel like a work function rather than a fun social event. The key is "did you need to do it like this?"

If the answer is "yes, because you are an 'outlier' among my friendship group/relatives and don't actually overlap with anyone else, so however I cut it, you're going to be sitting with strangers, but I'll make an effort to match you with people I think you'd get on with" then fair enough. (I've been to some excellent weddings where this strategy came off, I've been to others where it didn't but of course I graciously sucked it up and made small talk with the best of them.)

But if it's done purely for reasons of "you ought to be made to socialise with people you don't know" then it's going to suck. (Like the couple who put me on the sad singletons table - I think with good intentions - they were loved up, they thought this would be an opportunity to get their friends who hadn't been so fortunate to meet the man/woman/small green furry creature from Alpha Centauri of their dreams. It was well-intentioned in theory; it sucked in practice, especially since I think all of us, with a bit of re-jigging of the seating plan, coud have been on a table with people we either knew or had something in common with - other than of course "being covered with lizard scales underneath our sad singleton clothes." I was particularly pissed off because a pair of my friends got put on the 'musicians' table' and had a whale of a time, which I would have loved, even with complete strangers.)

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 04/09/2020 12:40

*People that don't like mixed seating plans,

Is it because you genuinely don't like talking to people you don't already know? or
Is it because the events you've been to have just had really bad seating plans that have put inappropriate people together?*

I think weddings are a great time to catch up with friends and family rather than to make new friends. Sadly I don't have as much time as I'd like to see my current friends so would rather spend time with them if possible. I also just think it's more fun to socialise with people I already know and like.

WoofyMcWooferson · 04/09/2020 12:44

I’m sorry this is happening OP but please don’t give up on going just yet.

You’ve let the bride know and although she didn’t react well at that moment there’s still time for her to cool down, realise she’s made an error and sort it out. She may even realise that mixing people up is nice in theory but not so great in practice.

I’m planning my own wedding at the moment and had a similar thing with not inviting someone. My mum had a calm word with me, left me to think about it and a few weeks later (after realising I was being a brat) I sorted it out.

LioneIRichTea · 04/09/2020 12:47

I think weddings are a great time to catch up with friends and family rather than to make new friends. Sadly I don't have as much time as I'd like to see my current friends so would rather spend time with them if possible. I also just think it's more fun to socialise with people I already know and like.

This ^^

SnuggyBuggy · 04/09/2020 12:59

Definitely the above. I wouldn't be prepared to go to the trouble of travelling and dressing up if there weren't people I wanted to spend time catching up with.

MulticolourMophead · 04/09/2020 13:00

@LioneIRichTea

I think weddings are a great time to catch up with friends and family rather than to make new friends. Sadly I don't have as much time as I'd like to see my current friends so would rather spend time with them if possible. I also just think it's more fun to socialise with people I already know and like.

This ^^

I agree with this.

I have a large, scattered family and don't get to see them as often as I'd like. So no, I wouldn't like to be sat with people I don't know if it's avoidable.

With the best will in the world, few people make new friends at weddings. However, I'd always do my best in talking with strangers on my table.

AGoatAteIt · 04/09/2020 13:05

I absolutely would ask if you can sit together in your group of 8, given your circumstances. I have a child with SEN who has similar issues with strangers and out of the ordinary situations in general and would be stressed out and on edge the whole time waiting for something to go wrong in front of people we don’t know.

As an aside- why do some brides and grooms do this?! Like what’s the point?! Nowadays with extended families often living far apart (mine do) and not seeing each other often weddings and stuff are a good opportunity to catch up and enjoy each other’s company as well as to celebrate the 2 people getting married.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/09/2020 13:07

I can understand mixing better back in the days when brides and grooms were more likely from the same town and it was worth the effort of getting to know people from the other side. Nowadays odds are you'll never see any of these people again.

Sparklesocks · 04/09/2020 13:10

Oh gosh I went to a family wedding where they did this and we all got split up with people we didn’t know, it was a shame as I understand the intention but I’m not interested in meeting new friends at a wedding - I want to see my extended family who I rarely see altogether!

Also my sister had found out she had been cheated on the day before and her relationship had ended. She had to sit and pretend to be all smiley with strangers when all she wanted to do was be with her family who wouldn’t mind/make a fuss if she got upset at any point. Nightmare.