Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

[LockdownDowner]

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

It sounds like this could potentially cause a full on long lasting family feud.
It seems the Bride owes the family a debt of gratitude.
There will be 4 family members together at tables of 6 or was it 8? Its not like there are 2 of you at a table of 12 strangers.
People will accept your child as they are hopefully. May be you are more worried than you need to be. It could all work out ok on the day.
If the behaviour is difficult have a plan with others to take them out if the room every so often to entertain them elsewhere for a few minutes.

Is she sat with you though? (Sorry if I've missed this because I can't work out how to filter my OP on my phone) if she's with you then personally I think you're being very unreasonable. If she's split from you then of course you should ask to be together

The OP knows her child better than anyone on here. I don't think any of us have the right to tell her what to do.

@LockdownDowner I hope you manege to get this resolved without any family fallout.

Scenarios like this makes me feel thankful that we have a buffet at our wedding, and people could sit where they liked. Feedback after the wedding was that everyone really enjoyed it.

Sorry I've now seen you are all together so I actually think it's really rude of you to ask to move

Totally missed the whole thread, awks. So you're not going. That's shit!

@Itisbetter

I totally disagree that people attend expecting to be seated only with their own friends and family . I honestly can’t believe people think this! It’s like an invitation to any party, surely? People you don’t know may or may not be there. You turn up and sit next to a variety of people. How can you possibly imagine the invitation is to a party for you and your friends???

The OPs situation is different. She is asking for a table to be put on specially for her family to accommodate her sons disability. I think that’s unreasonable as the reasoning appears to be based on the fact his disability might embarrass other guests or bore them and I think it’s reasonable to expect the other guests to accommodate him. I can’t believe how many people think the bride and groom should change their plans. It really isn’t an option to demand or “push” for this. OP has asked and the bride has said they are invited to a party where guests will be sat as described. Either OP politely declines or she accepts interacting with other guests.

I am not at all embarrassed by my child but I am a realist and I know from bitter experience that a large number of people find him very difficult, why should my child have to put up with dealing with that along with the stress of attending the wedding. Bottom line is that severely disabled dc could attend the wedding with the appropriate support (sitting on a table with people he knows) Bride has decided that she won't accommodate that.

Might not go down well but depending on the location could you and you're family group go to the ceremony and reception but go for a meal elsewhere together?Obviously let the bride and groom know in good time so they don't pay for your meals.

@sadie9

It sounds like this could potentially cause a full on long lasting family feud. It seems the Bride owes the family a debt of gratitude. There will be 4 family members together at tables of 6 or was it 8? Its not like there are 2 of you at a table of 12 strangers. People will accept your child as they are hopefully. May be you are more worried than you need to be. It could all work out ok on the day. If the behaviour is difficult have a plan with others to take them out if the room every so often to entertain them elsewhere for a few minutes.

Why do people think they know the needs of my child better than I do? Do you realise how offensive it is to read statements like "It could all work out on the day, you are worrying too much"

I would love to have a child that is "normal" and not have to plan every detail of every outing so that they stand a chance of coping. I would love to be able to accept this wedding invitation without having to worry if dc can cope. It would be nice if people were accommodating to disabilities rather than patronising, life is hard enough anyway and it feels like a real kick in the teeth when someone you though understood turns out not to.
It would have been wonderful to attend this wedding as a family, life with a severely disabled child is very isolating.

I get it OP I don't know why some people are being so wilfully obtuse.

What about he attends but doesn’t come to the sit down meal? Or he comes and leaves if he feels overloaded? I think you’re getting bogged down in wanting a particular solution rather than thinking around the problem. Juggling conflicting needs is like breathing to most parents of disabled children. We just have to do it all the time. It’s exhausting and SO difficult when you can see an easy solution that to you seems painless or minimal impact to those that have to do the accommodating and they can’t or won’t help. The truth is you DON’T know what constraints others have and you do need to have more than one solution up your sleeve.

If ds has a blue badge then parking directly outside the venue can give a good bolt hole.
Headphones and a screen can give him a zone out time.
If it’s a hotel a room can help, and if not restaurants/venues will often let you use a private room if they have one (a surprising number do).
A quick trip to a familiar drive through can provide a break or one of you taking him home a bit earlier.
Don’t let this become a huge upset for everyone.

Similarly I’m on your side OP. People here are being horrid. My wedding was last year and my partner and I spent ages on the table plan making sure there would be no dead or awkward spots, that people would be sat with those they knew etc. Weddings are a time for people to catch up with family and old friends. Maybe slightly different with family members in their late teens early twenties - who would likely have a better time sat with the B&Gs old uni friends than with parents!!!! Couples / singles who don’t know anyone should be sat on tables with a chatty and friendly group with overlapping interests who will incorporate them into the conversation.

I think the treatment of your aunt in splitting her up from her immediate family is particularly harsh and naive. Fingers crossed the family fuss over this will get through to your niece. Perhaps her mother might have a quiet word with her and explain from others POV. things can be mixed up to a certain extent, but without causing upset.

@RhymesWithOrange

I get it OP I don't know why some people are being so wilfully obtuse.

Neither do I.

OP I think you are being given a really hard time here. I wish you and your family well.

I'm astounded that the bride has already got invites out and RSVP's back to be in a position to do a table plan tbh.......

Yes, we took the reluctant decision to opt out of family celebrations such as weddings because of the risk of disruptive behaviour from my ds's a number of years ago. The upshot is we have become very isolated from the rest of the family. On a plus it has made the social distancing this year very easy as this is what out life is anyway.

You are getting a really hard time here OP and I think people are completely failing to understand that they are effectively excluding your child and by that virtue, your whole family from a wedding. If your dc was in a wheelchair and the bride was insisting that your family sit in an area inaccessible by a wheelchair, you suggested a suitable accommodation and the bride refused then completely understandable that you choose not to go... if this were the case then no one here would be suggesting that you are unreasonable. I think people here just don’t get the planning and mitigation you have to think about on a daily basis. You are most definitely not being unreasonable. Please ignore others who I can only assume speak from not understanding your situation with an autistic child. I also feel so sorry for your poor aunt. If this causes any family discord then it is absolutely not your fault, it’s in the bride. When I got married I wanted my guests to feel comfortable and have a good time, I truly don’t understand people who don’t feel the same as this!!!!

Hi OP
I posted at the start and have now read that you asked and bride isn't willing to accommodate your request. I would politely decline the invitation. As you say you are a family unit and frankly I have been at enough tables with strangers in the past to know it is awful without inflicting this on your DC

YANBU

Agree @Eemamc. As someone with a child with extra needs I empathise with you OP and I think you're making the right decision. My son would also struggle in this situation and the other strangers would HATE it! You just have to put your child first, sometimes parents of neurotypical children have the option to force their children into uncomfortable situations without it blowing up in their faces, but we don't. I'm sorry your niece has responded in this way especially after all the support you have given her.

I just wouldn’t go, as I said previously I refused an invitation to this sort of wedding, from a very close family member. I have a physical disability and am uncomfortable being with people I don’t know, who don’t understand my particular issues. My relative kept insisting too, so I put my foot down, and have had very little to do with them since. If my comfort is not a consideration, then I see no reason to consider them

Your DS requires accommodations in order to not cause problems for other guests, the bride is unwilling to provide them, so you're being perfectly reasonable to not go. Simple as that.

In every day life adaptations are made so that people with special needs are not excluded or discriminated against. Why is a wedding any different. I find it appalling that a member of a family who knows the childs circumstances is now discriminating against them. Yes it's a choice to attend a wedding but by not allowing a small adaptation to the seating plan, she is in effect discriminating against them and excluding them from her wedding.

For those saying others might ask questions, well they can ask and once the reasoning has been explained any reasonable person would understand this.

Frankly it sounds like a lucky escape.

Sorry to see the negative response you got from
the bride, it’s really inflexible of her. In these circumstances I just wouldn’t go. She’ll be disappointed in her “everyone mingling” ideal - it never works out that way in my experience.

I hope your niece has the wedding she deserves.