Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
Everysinglebloodytime · 03/09/2020 22:56

Sounds like you might be having a lucky escape!

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2020 23:14

Sorry niece is being anal

But things may change

DragonPie · 03/09/2020 23:17

stop micromanaging her remaining guests

This is exactly what it is. You can’t force social situations. And as an adult I’ll decide who I damn well want to talk to.

BubblyBarbara · 03/09/2020 23:56

Telling the parent of a disabled child 'they'll need to get used to people being in their vicinity' is spectacularly unhelpful

Well it’s either that or they would have to avoid social occasions because having other people in your vicinity is exactly what going to social occasions means. That is not unhelpful or unkind, it’s just a fact about weddings. There will be unusual people everywhere, you’re not going to get a pew to yourself either, there will be unfamiliar people surrounding them all day long.

Itisbetter · 04/09/2020 00:42

Telling the parent of a disabled child 'they'll need to get used to people being in their vicinity' is spectacularly unhelpful. I agree with this. You can’t really just put your disability on a shelf when it gets in the way of your life. If you could it wouldn’t really be that disabling would it?

It’s fairly infuriating to read “well they’d have to learn or how will they use the bus/go to the cinema” or whatever twaddle pp posted. What happens is you can’t do it and you can’t access the same facilities as everyone else.

cbt944 · 04/09/2020 01:55

Ugh, I can't think of anything worse. Weddings can be hard going at the best of times, but she is treating the seating plans like an ice-breaker at an office work function.

Nikori · 04/09/2020 02:01

I have two friends with severely autistic kids. I’d do whatever I could to make life easier for them, no hesitation. I’m sorry your niece isn’t being more understanding. I hope she changes her mind.

Thatbliddywoman · 04/09/2020 02:21

I don't like this. Wedding guests are just that. GUESTS! Guests are to be looked after not made to feel stressed and awkward. Id suggest in a polite way that can they possibly sit you with people you know because your child will play up and you dont want to ruin their day.

DianasLasso · 04/09/2020 07:12

Just caught up on this.

Sorry she's being like this. (I am absolutely shocked she's planning on putting her recently widowed aunt on a table with complete strangers!)

Good call on not going.

She's certainly found a way of cutting back on the wedding costs - just get a load of guests to politely decline.

TheClawww · 04/09/2020 07:22

More people need to speak up.
Most people do not attend a wedding to eat with strangers (that's what the bar and dance floor are for) - I can see many people making their excuses and not attending.

Any bride (or groom) insisting on a mixed seating plan are displaying

A) a complete lack of regard for the comfort of their guests
And
B) a shocking lack of social awareness / knowledge of basic psychology.

I'd not be attending either, and explaining (albeit very politely) why.

Crazycatlady83 · 04/09/2020 07:35

I don’t think you sound unreasonable at all. I also have a DS with ASD and this would be my worst nightmare. It’s nice to have the “safety” of family support, especially in unusual situations. Plus it might give you some time “off” to actually enjoy the wedding. I wouldn’t go either, DS has always come first for us (as he well should!)

Itisbetter · 04/09/2020 07:37

I totally disagree that people attend expecting to be seated only with their own friends and family Shock. I honestly can’t believe people think this! It’s like an invitation to any party, surely? People you don’t know may or may not be there. You turn up and sit next to a variety of people. How can you possibly imagine the invitation is to a party for you and your friends???

The OPs situation is different. She is asking for a table to be put on specially for her family to accommodate her sons disability. I think that’s unreasonable as the reasoning appears to be based on the fact his disability might embarrass other guests or bore them and I think it’s reasonable to expect the other guests to accommodate him. I can’t believe how many people think the bride and groom should change their plans. It really isn’t an option to demand or “push” for this. OP has asked and the bride has said they are invited to a party where guests will be sat as described. Either OP politely declines or she accepts interacting with other guests.

Crazycatlady83 · 04/09/2020 07:48

@Itisbetter

Telling the parent of a disabled child 'they'll need to get used to people being in their vicinity' is spectacularly unhelpful. I agree with this. You can’t really just put your disability on a shelf when it gets in the way of your life. If you could it wouldn’t really be that disabling would it? It’s fairly infuriating to read “well they’d have to learn or how will they use the bus/go to the cinema” or whatever twaddle pp posted. What happens is you can’t do it and you can’t access the same facilities as everyone else.
Thank you for posting this! I have been struggling with my PIL saying “he just has to learn” in relation to my DS and I really didn’t know how else I could explain without shouting “he can’t just bloody learn”. You have put it so clearly - I’m definitely stealing it!!!

Sorry for the hijack - as you were .....

AlternativePerspective · 04/09/2020 07:54

Fgs it’s a seating plan. The bride isn’t even going to be involved, she is going to be seated with exactly the people she wants to be seated with, and is then going to be forcing her guests to be seated with exactly the people she wants them to be seated with.

And the reality is that many people aren’t accepting of children with disabilities. In an ideal world they would be, but they’re not, and the OP is understanding of this and is trying to make things easier for everyone both her child and the people who might not be tolerant of him.

Remember that equality doesn’t mean you have to have everything exactly the same for everyone, it means enabling everyone to be able to do the same things, so if that means you have to implement different strategies for some then you have achieved equality.

Aside from which, choosing to seat a widowed relative with a group of strangers and family members with groups of strangers is ridiculous and has absolutely no basis.

I hope everyone speaks out and all her family withdraw as a result.

This is something which will ruin her wedding day if she persists.

DianasLasso · 04/09/2020 08:02

I think this comes down to the difference between thinking of the people you are inviting as guests, or as extras in your instagrammable photo op.

Notonthestairs · 04/09/2020 08:02

Weddings involve unfamiliar surroundings, noise, lots of transitions (service to drinks to meal to keeping quiet during speeches, to party) and people dressed up differently. They are tiring.

I love them and will attend any wedding anywhere any time.

For (some) autistic children however they will be stressful and confusing and they will have to work very hard to hold it together for the 6-8 hours.

The Op knows her child, we do not.

I do think easing the passage for those children and thereby giving them access to a normal event shouldn't involve great family drama.

As I posted yesterday when the time comes RSVP politely, send a lovely gift and let them have their day as they have planned.

Don't involve the rest of your family. I do think a group rejection is unfair. They'll need to RSVP with their own reasons.

derxa · 04/09/2020 08:10

I took great care at my wedding to ensure everyone was sat with people they knew well and would be comfortable with. (Tea total relatives not sat with those who liked a drink) Good for you

Ginfordinner · 04/09/2020 08:12

@DianasLasso

I think this comes down to the difference between thinking of the people you are inviting as guests, or as extras in your instagrammable photo op.
Spot on @DianasLasso
Polkadotties · 04/09/2020 08:16

I would hate this.
An ex boss of mine. Did a seating plan at an Xmas, not only were we made to sit next to people we ‘don’t normally talk to’ we were also made to sit boy girl boy girl

Itisbetter · 04/09/2020 08:24

not only were we made to sit next to people we ‘don’t normally talk to’ we were also made to sit boy girl boy girl this is utterly unremarkable at a formal do.

derxa · 04/09/2020 08:30

How did you find out about the seating plan this far in advance? That's the burning question

mrsm43s · 04/09/2020 08:32

If you child cannot cope with 4 strangers sitting on the same table as him, he will not be able to cope with most of the other parts of the wedding day where he will have to mingle with far, far more than 4 strangers.

I would 100% support you saying you couldn't be separated from your children, or indeed that you also needed your DH's support, and so you needed to be seated as your nuclear family, but that seems to be happening anyway. I don't think you can start dictating who else sits with you, though.

There is no need for you to miss out on the weekend away with your family over this, or even the wedding. If it is this one, small part only of the whole wedding weekend that you feel your child cannot cope with, then surely your DH can take your child out if you feel that that part of the wedding will be upsetting to your DC (to get food elsewhere or back to the hotel/accommodation) for that chunk of time, and rejoin in the evening etc. However, as I said previously, I can't see how being in a church full of strangers or a room full of strangers for the rest of the day is going to be OK for your son, if 4 strangers sitting at the same table is enough to cause him such significant distress.

PimlicoJo · 04/09/2020 08:38

I think you're being ott calling your niece Bridezilla. She is seating your family together one one table. It's only for the meal - presumably your father who is so furious can be with you for the ceremony and the rest of the event. I can't believe there is so much unpleasantness.

Ginfordinner · 04/09/2020 08:42

@PimlicoJo

I think you're being ott calling your niece Bridezilla. She is seating your family together one one table. It's only for the meal - presumably your father who is so furious can be with you for the ceremony and the rest of the event. I can't believe there is so much unpleasantness.
I disagree. Any bride who doesn't put their guests' comfort first is displaying bridezilla behaviour. As a PP has pointed out, the clue is in the word "guest". They aren't Instagram extras or an audience.
Womencanlift · 04/09/2020 08:42

Mixed seating plans like this make you remember events for the wrong reasons. My cousin did this at her child’s Christening and it was so awkward. My young teen sister ended up sitting on a table on her own with adults she didn’t know and felt really uncomfortable.

There ended up being a spare seat at my table so told her to come and sit with me. If looks could kill - my Christeningzilla (if there is such a thing) cousin was really not happy with me. Oh well 😀