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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 03/09/2020 21:23

Your dad is being a bit of a gobshite to be fair. Why is he furious? It’s a year away and you’ve only just addressed it with your cousin. Give her a chance!

Dramatics won’t help!

paintmegood · 03/09/2020 21:23

@LockdownDowner

Update:

My niece has responded to my message and it looks like she is going full bridezilla! She is putting her concept of wanting everyone to mingle ahead of the needs of her family. I have decided that we are not going, I could go with one dc but I don't want to, we are a family unit and do things together, I couldn't leave autistic dc behind. My parents and aunt are also very upset and shocked - there is a huge backstory with my niece as we have provided massive support to her since she was a baby. I feel very sad.

But if she puts all of your family together, other people are going to question why they are mixed up. I agree that it wouldn't do any harm to be on a table with at least one other person you know but to expect all of you to be sat together is a bit much really. It's a shame that it means you will miss their wedding? Would your son really not be able to cope with it?
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/09/2020 21:24

It’s a real shame this has exploded. I think if you’re a NT adult and something is not to your taste, you go and suck it up or politely decline. Your situation is totally different. Hope this all blows over.

paintmegood · 03/09/2020 21:25

It sounds like this is about more than your son from your update. I absolutely get your worries but it's very childish for family members to be refusing to go to a wedding because they've got the hump about where they are sitting.

mumoflittlemice · 03/09/2020 21:30

"I would definitely say something

As ideas go, it’s a totally shit one anyway

Why on earth would anyone think that type of seating plan is a good idea - it’s like some hideous work team building thing that everyone hates"

^
this

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 03/09/2020 21:33

But if she puts all of your family together, other people are going to question why they are mixed up.

It's a reasonable question!

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 03/09/2020 21:35

I think your niece is going to be very embarrassed about her reaction in a couple of years time.

OhCaptain · 03/09/2020 21:41

@LockdownDowner apologies, I missed the update!

paintmegood · 03/09/2020 21:42

@HopelesslydevotedtoGu

But if she puts all of your family together, other people are going to question why they are mixed up.

It's a reasonable question!

It's not their wedding though.
FlyingPandas · 03/09/2020 21:43

OP I think in your situation I would simply give your apologies, send a card and gift and not go. It’s just not worth it for the stress.

You are not being at all unreasonable to ask this. And it’s nothing to do with whether mixed seating is naff or not. You are asking for a sensible, reasonable adjustment for a child - a close family member of the bride’s - with severe autism who will (a) not cope (b) get distressed and (c) disrupt the wedding and potentially spoil it for everyone, through absolutely no fault of their own. That is not fair, however much the bride and groom might “deserve” to have the day as they want it.

I have a DC with autism who would have struggled massively with this concept despite being very high functioning. The problem is that so many people (including your niece, clearly) don’t really understand how autism impacts on every day life, or how small, sensible adjustments can make that massive difference between “coping” and “total meltdown”.

When DH and I got married we had special Braille and large print invites, orders of service and menu cards printed for two of our guests with sight issues. It was all about making reasonable adjustments for people who had particular needs and it added to the magic of the day if anything. Your request is no different. It is really sad that your niece cannot see why her idea causes you a major issue but you have to put your DC first.

Original poster
LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 21:48

@OhCaptain

Your dad is being a bit of a gobshite to be fair. Why is he furious? It’s a year away and you’ve only just addressed it with your cousin. Give her a chance!

Dramatics won’t help!

Gobshite? How have you reached that conclusion?

My dad knows my dc and understands how much support dc will need to cope with the wedding. He is upset that niece is insisting on a seating plan that effectively excludes dc (and my family) from attending. My aunt is recently widowed from her husband of 50 years and is being seated away from her brother and sister in law - she is now thinking of not going.

OP posts:
IlovecatsyesIdo · 03/09/2020 21:52

The way this bridezilla is behaving she’ll be lucky if anyone ends up attending.
I don’t blame you at all for not going and your Aunt also.

Floralnomad · 03/09/2020 22:00

I think it’s a bit off to be calling her a bridezilla , your family of four are seated together , do you seriously never go anywhere with your child where they have to mingle with people they don’t know whilst accompanied by you ?

BubblyBarbara · 03/09/2020 22:08

I was going to say YANBU till I saw this:

To clarify, we would be sat with our dc but on a table with strangers

So you are all together. Your children are going to have you there but have to get used to other people being in their vicinity. How would they cope with a bus or a cinema? You don’t get the whole place only for yourself.

CurlyStrawsRock · 03/09/2020 22:17

Whyyyyyyy would she do this. Nobody wants this!

^^ THIS!!!

Original poster
LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 22:18

@Floralnomad

I think it’s a bit off to be calling her a bridezilla , your family of four are seated together , do you seriously never go anywhere with your child where they have to mingle with people they don’t know whilst accompanied by you ?
No I don't - that is life when you have a severely autistic child - everything has to be planned. Would you honestly want to find yourself sitting next to an unknown severely autistic at a wedding?
OP posts:
WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 03/09/2020 22:18

So you are all together. Your children are going to have you there but have to get used to other people being in their vicinity. How would they cope with a bus or a cinema? You don’t get the whole place only for yourself.

Many disabled people can't cope with the bus or the cinema.

MinnieMousse · 03/09/2020 22:21

Even without a DC with ASD,I think I would avoid going to this sort of wedding! What possesses some people to think this is a good idea? Do they really think people will enjoy the occasion more having stilted conversation with strangers rather than celebrating with friends and family? I can't see what the supposed benefits of this scenario even are.

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 03/09/2020 22:25

I think lots of people don't understand what it's like for many autistic people and parents of autistic children.
I know a few autistic children, one child is currently being assessed to move to a non mainstream school, the only 'schooling' he has at the moment is sitting for 1 hour a day in a small room with a TA as he can't cope with being in a classroom.
Another child I know has a complete meltdown anytime her jacket is removed. Can you imagine how hard it is to wash her? Or when they need to buy a bigger sized jacket?
Telling the parent of a disabled child 'they'll need to get used to people being in their vicinity' is spectacularly unhelpful and actually unkind.

Itisbetter · 03/09/2020 22:32

Would you honestly want to find yourself sitting next to an unknown severely autistic at a wedding?
Well, yes I would absolutely love it but I am probably not a good test case as I have my own child with ASD. I think I would have liked it before though. I like meeting different people and unless I was going to be physically hurt I would be very happy to sit near your son.

Floralnomad · 03/09/2020 22:35

I do have experience of having an autistic child albeit high functioning and even if I didn’t i would hope that if I was sat with any type of disabled person at an event that I could conduct myself in an appropriate manner .

Original poster
LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 22:39

@Itisbetter unfortunately, experience tells me that most people do not take to my child's persistent personal questioning and observations. I wish more people were like you.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 03/09/2020 22:41

You may well find that your niece mellows on this in the next year. She is being very unfair to you. The concept she has in mind is terrible anyway. Hopefully she wakes up in time to prevent any further fall outs.

rorosemary · 03/09/2020 22:46

Well if more people pull out then maybe seatzilla will come to her senses and stop micromanaging her remaining guests.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 03/09/2020 22:47

Who in their right mind thinks mixed up seating is a good idea...im an introvert and find weddings tedious at the best of times...i would not go...i would say i was away abroad on a pre booked holiday.
I actually dread wedding invites as i have to think up excuses to get out of going.