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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are babysitting, you shouldn't host a dinner party?

365 replies

MoggyMittens23 · 03/09/2020 07:53

Good friend said they would babysit 2x weekends a year if we ever wanted to go out after me saying how we never got to do anything as no one to have kids (I wasn't trying to hint, just stating fact!) I thought that was kind, and asked if she might have the kids overnight for our anniversary which is two months away, she said yes no problem. I brought it up again a couple of weeks later asking, is Xdate still fine, yes of course, looking forward to it. On a phone call this week, she said what date did you want me to have them? I said Xdate, she said oh thats fine, it's just we have Dave and Kate, Nigel and Eva coming over for a dinner party, we can still have the kids though. Dinner party was arranged after her agreeing to have children. I said that's fine, but the more I think about it, I am not so sure about this. Won't they be stressed with doing the food for the dinner party so won't be able to focus on kids ? When will the kids eat? Will they just be plonked in front of the tv all night? And there will be lots of drinking I am sure so is this even a good idea anyway? I sort of want my children to have someone's full attention when they are looking after them, but AIBU? and would you still leave the kids with them or take them with you (not ideal)

OP posts:
Original poster
MoggyMittens23 · 03/09/2020 11:07

@Nogoodusername i mean that's what I thought! But seems we are in the minority here.

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 03/09/2020 11:08

@MoggyMittens23 Lol, I also have a cat named 'Mittens'. I do have a tendency to use my cats' names on Mumsnet. Grin

TootaLaFruit · 03/09/2020 11:08

In case it wasn't clear I think your friend has let you down here, and I bet she knows it too.

Original poster
MoggyMittens23 · 03/09/2020 11:08

@TootaLaFruit yes, completely agree.I suppose I should do her a favour in return (lol) and cancel!

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 03/09/2020 11:09

So many factors mostly how close are your DC to her ? Overall I would cancel as it sounds like you will only worry in any case.

AlwaysLatte · 03/09/2020 11:10

I'm imagining that the other way round, no way would I plan a dinner party and babysit on the same night - wouldn't be able to drink or focus on the kids. YANBU.

Original poster
MoggyMittens23 · 03/09/2020 11:11

@lottiegarbanzo kids are pretty chilled, we wouldn't mind what time they went to bed, nor would they really (within reason of course) we have routine on weeknights but not on weekends. Definitely not rule-bound! Not shy either but I don't know if they would feel comfortable interrupting for a drink or something when they don't know everyone?

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Topseyt · 03/09/2020 11:11

On the very few occasions we got to go out when our children were that age (no local family support, so babysitters few and far between) the babysitter would come to our house. We didn't take the kids to theirs. Nor did any of my friends, who I did do the occasional favour for. Children were babysat in their own homes.

My eldest daughter used to babysit some young children up our road. Always at their house, they weren't brought to ours.

So, there would be no dinner parties going on and the kids would be fed and at least ready for bed.

Why take the kids to your friend's house? Arrange a night when she can come to yours. Then she won't be arranging a dinner party at the same time.

I wouldn't be that happy about it either, but mainly from the point of view that I would feel that I was intruding and so wouldn't be able to properly relax while out, not because I don't think that kids that age could cope.

AlwaysLatte · 03/09/2020 11:11

A little bit different if the kids are just the kids of the guests though, we've done that, and not drunk much.

Original poster
MoggyMittens23 · 03/09/2020 11:13

@EmmaMY @Mittens030869 we are the "Mittens" moggy crew!

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2020 11:13

Well, I think if they'd be prioritising their dinner party guests and enjoyment (no surprise really), then you have your answer.

Original poster
MoggyMittens23 · 03/09/2020 11:13

@Topseyt unfortunately I have asked before if she would have them at mine but she wouldn't, her place only

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Original poster
MoggyMittens23 · 03/09/2020 11:15

@lottiegarbanzo DH thinks it's whether I can forget about that for the night for the sake of a night off...!!

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corythatwas · 03/09/2020 11:15

Involving DCs in cooking and prep, or sticking them in front of a film are all fine. But how and when do they go to bed? Maybe other people's 8 and 6yos just trot off and put themselves to bed. Mine do not and would not.

Surely they'd manage it in the same way as parents manage dinner parties? One adult sorts out bedtime while the other one carries on with preparation, or you plan preparations so as to leave time for bedtime. The way you present it, nobody would be able to give a dinner party in their own home until their children are in their teens- please tell me this is not the case!

AlternateName · 03/09/2020 11:16

I think your friend has mentioned her dinner party plans because she wants you to let her off the hook, and I'd suggest that you do that. If she actually wanted to look after the children she wouldn't have scheduled a dinner party on the same night.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/09/2020 11:17

Sorry, haven't read the full thread, but if she has teenagers, can one of them not babysit at yours for cash?

My teenage son loves earning a bit extra babysitting.

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 03/09/2020 11:22

It's ok to want the people looking after your DC to give them their full attention, but realistically you need to pay for that. If it's a favour, you have to be prepared to be less choosy. Or to opt out entirely, which would also be fine.

Original poster
MoggyMittens23 · 03/09/2020 11:26

@AlternateName I think I will do that tbh

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer yep, totally understand where you are coming from

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Grrrpredictivetex · 03/09/2020 11:26

Op maybe speak to people at your D.C. school or nursery? I work in childcare and always picked up extra babysitting from there. Also your D.C. would know these people. Obviously make sure they're all checked out.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2020 11:28

Oh no corythatwas we can do dinner parties at home. The difference is that our guests are our DCs' 'grown up friends' who they're looking forward to seeing and vice versa. So we arrange timings so guests are here 45 mins / an hour before dinner, DCs have 20-30 mins to chat to the grown-ups, then one parent takes DC to bed, while the other chats to the guests. Then dinner.

The differences here are that OP's friend's friends are not her DCs' 'friends', they're strangers. And, that OP's friend is disorganised, so probably won't have planned to do what we do and, if she had, their timings will be out, so it won't work.

PerveenMistry · 03/09/2020 11:28

[quote MoggyMittens23]@BoomBoomsCousin

They know them well, my kids won’t be homesick or anything they are very easy children. It’s more that I had a different evening planned on my head, they had said they were looking forward to it and I made sure I asked well in advance so just thought they would have a little movie or game night with them like we used to with theirs. I would never have people round for a dinner party if I was looking after somebody else kids but that’s just me.

I’m not sure if the teenagers will be there as they do every other weekend With other parent.[/quote]
Sounds like you are hurt that they aren't treating this as an opportunity to bask in your children's presence.

Kids can be perfectly fine not being the center of the universe for a weekend. It might actually be a good experience for them.

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 03/09/2020 11:33

I also think that if your anxiety is a struggle right now, going straight into a full weekend away is a lot. Whether DC are with this friend or someone else. Is there time for you to build up to it?

PerveenMistry · 03/09/2020 11:34

@Potterpotterpotter

At 6 & 8 I would expect them to spend time with them during the day, take them out, set them up with some activities whilst I was cooking, give them some pizza / pasta for dinner at about 6 and get them off to bed by 7.30 / 8 and have my evening with friends. I would also assume that even if my friends were drinkers they would make sure they didn’t get too drunk and that they would see the kids again in the morning

This is what I would expect too. Not doing a games night or a movie night taking up my whole evening.

I agree with this. The kids need to learn how to fit in to an adult world, not just have every moment catered to child-centric activities. Watching and perhaps helping with dinner party prep & then going off to bed with a snack and DVD is perfectly normal.

I doubt an experienced mother, as friend is, will become wasted and unable to care for the kids.

corythatwas · 03/09/2020 11:34

I get the point about the OPs friend being disorganised, lottiegarbanzo. But plenty of people manage dinner parties for other adults who do not necessary count as intimate family friends. Work colleagues, new friends etc. My parents (remote location) used to put the equivalent of the Ofsted inspector up every year (apparently I corrected his use of grammar one year: fortunately, he was a very patient man even if he was an internationally well-known expert in linguistics Blush). I've entertained visiting academics. And there is always a first time somebody you've met elsewhere comes to your house. It's not that complicated, surely.

Original poster
MoggyMittens23 · 03/09/2020 11:35

@PerveenMistry not at all but that’s your opinion. They don’t think they are the centre of the universe in any case.

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