If you are babysitting, you shouldn't host a dinner party?

[MoggyMittens23]

Good friend said they would babysit 2x weekends a year if we ever wanted to go out after me saying how we never got to do anything as no one to have kids (I wasn't trying to hint, just stating fact!) I thought that was kind, and asked if she might have the kids overnight for our anniversary which is two months away, she said yes no problem. I brought it up again a couple of weeks later asking, is Xdate still fine, yes of course, looking forward to it. On a phone call this week, she said what date did you want me to have them? I said Xdate, she said oh thats fine, it's just we have Dave and Kate, Nigel and Eva coming over for a dinner party, we can still have the kids though. Dinner party was arranged after her agreeing to have children. I said that's fine, but the more I think about it, I am not so sure about this. Won't they be stressed with doing the food for the dinner party so won't be able to focus on kids ? When will the kids eat? Will they just be plonked in front of the tv all night? And there will be lots of drinking I am sure so is this even a good idea anyway? I sort of want my children to have someone's full attention when they are looking after them, but AIBU? and would you still leave the kids with them or take them with you (not ideal)

Gobsmacked by the posters insinuating that the OP is some kind of bow-down-before-my-children-and-worship type.

All she wants to know is that the children will be cared for by her friend who has already changed her plans to involve shifting the focus from two children onto four 'strange' adults.

The friend's children are teenagers - at best she's forgotten what it's like to have younger ones around (who might need something) and at worst she's offered, changed her mind and is now hoping that the OP's kids won't ruin her dinner party or that the OP will cancel.

@PerveenMistry I’m a bit confused, the kids do fit into an adult world at home.. not every moment is catered to them at all.

@TootaLaFruit thank you!!! I’m sitting here like I’m so not that sort of mother!

@Jellycatspyjamas

I don’t think it’s too much to expect a friend, who offered to have my kids, to look after them while they are there. I’d love to meet these 6 and 8 year olds who are happy to spend the evening in front of the tv with pizza while there’s a house full of adults having a nice time in another room. I know my 9 year old needs more interaction than that, I wouldn’t expect my kids to be entertained the whole time but I would expect the adults caring for them to be interested and available to them and to spend some time with them. I also think it’s a bit ambitious expecting an 8 year old to be in bed by 7.30 when there’s a party going on downstairs. Tbh I’d feel like my kids were an inconvenience to them.

I can’t think of a friend who would host a dinner party while minding someone else’s children and I certainly wouldn’t.

Your 9 year old can't read or watch TV for one evening while adults are socializing in another room?

I'd see that as a problem, TBH.

It's not complicated for organised people. I do think that's a big difference. Also that being introduced to selected strangers by your own parents, is a different thing to being in someone else's house, while they prioritise themselves and their stranger guests over you.

I think your friend is being an ass! She agreed to babysit your kids ages ago, there was no need to organise a dinner party on the same night. I’d not be happy about this. Your kids would be in an unfamiliar house with a bunch of adults they don’t know. It’s not precious to think they might be scared or uncomfortable

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer they’ve been away from us before! For longer than weekends too. It’s just not something that happens often at all as we have little family and not to these people. I just think I had one thing in my head and it’s now not the case that made me concerned about it all. Maybe this is just the norm and we’re behind the times!

@lottiegarbanzo agree it’s totally different if it’s your own house and your own friends! Not comparable.

[quote MoggyMittens23]@Jellycatspyjamas no I wouldn't either, I just wouldn't do it. Might make me sound boring but my attention really would be on the kids I had offered to have! I also wouldn't want the kids to feel like an inconvenience or like they need to keep out the way.[/quote]
If the kids would "feel like an inconvenience" just because they aren't the center of everyone's attention for a day, that's a big problem.

Sounds like it would do them good to experience how other households function.

It wouldn't bother me.

Of course it's not normal. Of course she's double-booked because she's flakey. Of course she's hoping you'll cancel.

I think children do not need someone’s “full attention “ for a full evening

A bit of benign neglect is actually quite wonderful (I used to love it as a kid)

I think you are just not as easy going as your friend, and therefore maybe get a different baby sitter, easy

@MuddyMad

I think expecting the friend to focus on the kids all evening and not plonk them in front of the TV is a bit OTT.

If I was babysitting kids that age, I'd stick a film on for them and get on with whatever else I was doing in the house so long as they were comfortable, fed and watered. I'm not a kids club, I'm not going to sit up all night doing crafts and fun games. There's nothing wrong with OPs friend doing something else whilst kids of those ages are watching TV in the living room or whatever.

Spot on.

@lottiegarbanzo

I remember discussing with the PILs, the epitome of trusted and frequent 'babysitters in their own home', whether they could have our DC overnight at around 6yo and host two people to dinner on the same evening.

We agreed no, just because, while they were willing and able, the timings would have clashed. DC bedtime and 'drinks and nibbles, relaxed conversation, then last bits of prep' would have been all at the same time and are just not compatible.

Involving DCs in cooking and prep, or sticking them in front of a film are all fine. But how and when do they go to bed? Maybe other people's 8 and 6yos just trot off and put themselves to bed. Mine do not and would not.

Six and eight is a bit old to need intense bedtime routines, TBH. Especially ones that can't be skipped occasionally when circumstances require.

I wouldn't be happy with the arrangement and I'd cancel

I wouldn't like this because if anything goes wrong the children would not be the priority.

What if there's a fire? In the confusion, if the fire brigade asked a neighbour how many people live there (I've seen this done) they might not know about the kids.

Also, the children will be in a house without their parents where there are adults they don't know, and neither does the OP. That would not sit right with me. The adults will probably be drinking too.

The ex and I too brought up a family with hardly any 'us time' because we were picky about babysitters.
Maybe we were over-protective but it made me feel safer. I have no regrets about it.

I think the threads gone a bit off course now as I’ve somehow given the impression that the kids think they are gods gift and people should bow down to their every whim! This isn’t the case so I think it’s a bit done tbh cause there’s no point arguing with that. Thanks for everyone’s input though!

Well strike me down for doing parenting wrong PerveenMistry. Maybe other people just whistle and point upstairs? I don't know. I do know that children and families vary, so that different DCs have different experiences, habits and expectations.

The point I was making there though, was that for the PILs, it wouldn't have been as much fun as doing one thing or the other. So they decided not to run both things at the same time.

I suspect OP's friend would rather not be trying to do two things at once and might prefer to have a more chilled evening with her dinner guests, too.

It’s something I would do and no I not your friend. Is think I was doing you a favour by minding your kids for the night so you could go out. Essentially that fizzles my night so I may as well invite a few people over as getting a spare night to do that is a challenge so win win. If I offered to mind them, at the age yours are, I would just expect I need to feed them, be there in case of illness/trip over and split head open etc. I would not think you meant I had to sit there and gaze at them and provide a full on entertainment show. If someone is doing you a favour then plonking kids of that age in front of a tv is absolutely fine. I would also think I’m capable of having a drink or two and being perfectly capable of looking after kids that age without being anywhere close to tipsy let alone smashed.

At first I assumed your kids must have been 2/4yo and agreed with your post but when you stated they were primary school age my jaw dropped.

If she has any sense she would chuck one of her teenagers a note to keep an eye on them. My youngest is an older teen and I’d make sure they were home that night and would be waving a note around.

I would not think you meant I had to sit there and gaze at them and provide a full on entertainment show

Yep sorry it’s all got a bit silly now. I don’t think there’s any point dudcussing

Dudcussing discussing!

Are you paying them? I ask this because my opinion would be different if they are providing paid for childcare

Presuming that they’re doing you a favour - YABU. I’d absolutely do this for a mate, and expect the same in return. But for that weekend I’d expect their kids to fit into my life etc.

Does it really matter if your kids watch tv one weekend? Do you really never use the TV to keep them busy whilst you get stuff done?

Do you know there will be lots of drinking? If I was looking after children (my own or someone else’s) either me or DH would remain sober. How do you know they won’t do this?

Also they’ll feed your kids at normal dinner time and then when they’re in bed they’ll have their mates over for dinner .... tbh sounds like a normal Saturday night in our house (apart from we would have takeaway because I’m a terrible cook)

You sound like you’re being precious and entitled if I’m totally honest.

You have two options - cancel your weekend away because you don’t want your kids to be in that environment - which is fine and your choice or go and have your weekend away and leave your friends to live their lives whilst they look after your kids.

Ultimately you either think they are responsible safe people to leave your kids with or not

You can’t have your cake and eat it.

Sorry that’s a bit brutal - I don’t mean any of it horribly.

Seems odd they had to arrange that night ?

But at their ages I wouldn't be too worried as long as the strangers don't have any way of being alone with dcs. I know from my own experience of dps entertaining and peado friends trying it on with me when they 'went to the bathroom '

I’d ask if the teenagers are going to be around to watch them and if not, ask if you can change the date. I wouldn’t be comfortable letting my kids stay in a house without real supervision while 6 adults have dinner and drinks in another room.

@Badger2033 no don’t worry I didn’t take it horribly. But yes there will be a lot of drinking. They drink a lot. And from what (little) I know of one of the other couples they are big drinkers too. I can’t see it not being a boozy night. I just thought they were free that weekend so that wouldn’t even have been an issue and maybe they would have had a glass or two once the kids were in bed? I honestly don’t think I’m entitled. I never ask anyone for anything! Hence us never having time just us!!