If you are babysitting, you shouldn't host a dinner party?

[MoggyMittens23]

Good friend said they would babysit 2x weekends a year if we ever wanted to go out after me saying how we never got to do anything as no one to have kids (I wasn't trying to hint, just stating fact!) I thought that was kind, and asked if she might have the kids overnight for our anniversary which is two months away, she said yes no problem. I brought it up again a couple of weeks later asking, is Xdate still fine, yes of course, looking forward to it. On a phone call this week, she said what date did you want me to have them? I said Xdate, she said oh thats fine, it's just we have Dave and Kate, Nigel and Eva coming over for a dinner party, we can still have the kids though. Dinner party was arranged after her agreeing to have children. I said that's fine, but the more I think about it, I am not so sure about this. Won't they be stressed with doing the food for the dinner party so won't be able to focus on kids ? When will the kids eat? Will they just be plonked in front of the tv all night? And there will be lots of drinking I am sure so is this even a good idea anyway? I sort of want my children to have someone's full attention when they are looking after them, but AIBU? and would you still leave the kids with them or take them with you (not ideal)

I've seen a few responses saying that she might want me to cancel, so I might just ask and see what she says. She is very flaky, and has let me down a lot so this really could be the case.

I've spoken to DH, he is not bothered at all about them having people over at the same time, says they'll watch a film and go to bed so no big deal. BUT he's not sure about COVID/4 household thing...

@Janaih haha yes so true, I wish I could see those responses!

Honestly I would just change the date and get a different babysitter for your anniversary or just have a takeaway night in for the anniversary night.

Also I would be very surprised to me asked to have the children overnight at my house if I had offered to babysit twice in your own home. The two things are very different in my book.

[quote MoggyMittens23]@Potterpotterpotter I think
It’s just because that’s what we used to do with theirs when they were little and stayed over? DH says to lower my expectations. Reading this thread has definitely chilled me out a bit but then there are so many mixed views!

@CheetasOnFajitas I meant would they be involved in the dinner party with these people not would she feed them all at ffs. And that’s quite a horrible thing to say. There’s been a few snide comments on this thread but that’s pretty bitchy. My kids have a great life.[/quote]
I think it’s great you used to do that kind of thing but I’m guessing you didn’t have kids then so you didn’t have to do that thing all the time ? Your friend has now been there and done that and probably doesn’t want to sit down and plan games night etc as her kids are older.

Your kids will probably have lots of fun anyway as it will be different to being at home.

If you know deep down they will be fine then do and enjoy your evening. See what the kids say in the morning.

I would cancel on this occasion, get a babysitter just for the evening, go out, local nannies will always be looking out for work. We found lovely people from nursery to babysit and still use them from time to time several years later. Also other friends?

My concern with the dinner party aspect would be how much alcohol was drunk and if they would be in a fit state to look after children.

@Jellycatspyjamas no I wouldn't either, I just wouldn't do it. Might make me sound boring but my attention really would be on the kids I had offered to have! I also wouldn't want the kids to feel like an inconvenience or like they need to keep out the way.

I would not be happy with this.

My social but sensitive DC would find it weird and feel left out / ignored / unwelcome, apart from anything. Also, my 6 and 8yo bedtimes are 8pm, with at least half an hour's supervision and story-reading required. That clashes precisely with final prep, guests arriving and sitting down to dinner. Mad stress, unless these hosts are very, very chilled and very well-prepared (the evidence of the date clash implies chilled but disorganised, so much rushing around, delays and lateness). Plus, if not asleep, they'd be getting up and sneaking downstairs / to the top of the stairs to spy on proceedings, so would either need to put back and sat with in the middle of dinner, or set up for a late night with a DVD in another room - but how late? They'd still need to be put to bed and even at 9-10pm the dinner party will not be over.

Clearly your friend meant something different from you - your DC were welcome ot come to her house and fit in with whatever her family were doing for a weekend. Not that she would devote her attention to your DC for a weekend. Yes she's made a mistake with the clash but, if she meant the latter, she'd have blocked out that weekend in her diary the first, or second time you'd arranged it with her.

She wants you to rearrange.

Having said all that, it depends a lot on your and your DCs' relationship to her and her DH (if there is one) and her DCs (if there).

I have one friend, with teenage DCs, who would and could pull this off and, despite drinking etc, I'd be ok with it. That's because I've known her for decades, my DC knows her family, is comfortable in her home, her teenagers are great with younger DCs and, crucially, she's both organised and relaxed would have a plan; for feeding and entertaining the DCs and getting them to bed and would be able to prioritise them enough, despite having other guests.

So, it depends.

I can see why you're a bit surprised, as you weren't expecting it, and I would be too, but I'm sure the kids will be absolutely fine. As long as you trust the people you have chosen to babysit then I wouldn't worry too much about it.

No way would I have strangers in a house with my children without me there.
MIL tried to suggest having DD once when they had guests over, she actually asked if she could have her for the night when they were there. It was as if she wanted to show her off. I was baffled. DD was just turned 2 at the time. We refused.

@Notnownotneverever sorry for the confusion, no she/they would never come and babysit here. We did ask them once before to have them here at home while we went to the cinema years ago but were told they would want to relax in their own home (we have been to theirs before to babysit though). If they are going to look after our children, it would have to be in THEIR house.

Have they ever babysat for you before? I think they are trying to get out of it tbh..

I think it could be tricky if the kids get homesick or play up our of nerves etc. I probably wouldn't mind it if they regularly went there for babysitting and were happy, but seeing as its rare then then kids could easily get out of sorts being away from home and that could create tension.

I would also think, really,? That night of all nights? Hmm.

I think the fact that she's flakey is a bit of a big drip feed OP.

If she's normally flakey and this is just an other example of her flakiness (ie double booking and just assuming everything will be OK) then you're right to be annoyed with that.

That all said though, I don't think it will do the DCs any harm at all.

YABU.

I'm not sure I would be happy for my DD to be babysat in these circumstances but it's obvious what happened, they forgot the date because it was a long way in advance and now they have their own plans. It's mildly annoying but they were doing you a favour and didn't have to offer at all, so you would be being ungrateful to express anger at this. They are being nice by offering to have them anyway so as not to leave you in the lurch.

I think you need new friends. They don't sound that reliable or into you.

I would also ask your friend would she prefer to do it another time.

If they are big drinkers then the obvious answer is canceling?

That's not to say I don't enjoy a tipple personally but in my friendship circle, we would never get drunk (or anywhere close to it) while the kids over for a sleepover.

I thought that was the norm?

You have a flaky friend who has double-booked you on the one night you really needed her to return a favour you have done her many times.
Your children will enjoy the evening if they’re very outgoing and sociable. If they’re quieter or more sensitive they’ll hate it.
I’d book a babysitter (?sensible teenage neighbour). I’d keep your flaky friend for frothy nights out but leave my children out of it.

Ultimately, she thinks she's "babysitting" = making sure kids are fed and watered and have a bed. That's different to "having two children to stay for a sleepover and entertaining them etc"

Id just ask her flat out if she wants you to cancel?
I'd be quite annoyed in your situation. You've spend years providing babysitting etc for them and they agreed with loads of notice to reciprocate and have now made other plans for that night!
Think its time to start thinking about backing out of that friendship.

6 and 8!! Of course that's fine but why don't you just hire a babysitter?

YABVU and ungrateful, bloody hell, say thank you and enjoy your free night. The kids aren't babies fgs. When I read your title I thought you were going to say she wanted to have a dinner party at your house or something

I wouldn't be bothered about this personally, not at their ages. They don't need entertaining all evening, so what if they are 'plonked in front of TV all night', are you expecting a full on activity packed evening for your kids?

Do you trust your friend or not?

If you are so worried, cancel the date, and do it on another day? It's not like you are a child that need to have a certain things on exact date. You can still go out for anniversary a week before or week after?

At 6 and 8 I'd expect them to be in bed reading/watching film before the dinner party even starts - hardly going to the park or playing board games late into the night at that age.

How is she being ungrateful? Her friend has clearly double booked but instead of just saying the date doesn’t suit she’s planning to have the kids while entertaining friends - I’d be unhappy with that for all of the reasons given above. You can appreciate the offer while acknowledging you have very different ideas about what constitutes childcare/babysitting and deciding not to accept.