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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The ick...what to do?

152 replies

Wtfareyou · 03/09/2020 00:34

So, I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. We met on OLD months ago but thanks to Covid we never got round to meeting up...well I kinda let it fizzle out. I'm in a country and area where we are very lucky and there is now no covid to worry about, and thanks to his perseverence we finally met up, went on a few coffee, drinks cinema dates, and have hooked up, I've been for dinner and stayed at his, he's been to mine etc. You get the picture. I am mid 30s him early 40s for context, neither of us ever married or had kids. We are both from the UK but are in another country. He's resident here and been here a lot longer. I'm not and likely will have to go home fairly soon, in fact I was only supposed to be here a year but covid meant my work was disrupted.

He's perfectly nice, fit, attractive, well dressed (perhaps too much so for me) steady job, communicative with out being overboard. Interested in me and kind (maybe too keen?), always wanting to arrange the next date. So why do I have the ick? We met last night for dinner and the cinema, with the premise he was coming back to mine. All fine. The minute he walked in the restaurant door I felt all stabby. His little overnight bag, complimenting my top, telling me how much he likes hanging out with me. His bloody voice, his inane chat. I found myself internally scowling at every little thing. We went to the cinema, all the way through I was thinking oh no, how will I sleep with him? I feigned a headache, he's being all nice. Back to mine. He gets his bloody pyjamas out, brushes his teeth. I make him a chamomile tea. We go to bed and I can't even kiss him definitely not sleep with him. So we drift off. He wakes early for the bathroom, apologises for disturbing me but 'it was time for a piddle'. Argh. ARGH. AAARRRGH.

Dear reader, he's still here, snoozing away as I wait for him to wake up, get up, get dressed and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.

So, what to do? Like I said, I'm likely to leave in the next couple of months. I don't really want to just unceremoniously dump him out of the blue, or in other words I'm a bit of a coward. I wouldn't dream of ghosting, but I really just don't have a desire to see him again. He's so very keen, ideas for us to do all sorts of fun things. He knows I probably have a finite amount of time, and that I'm very busy with work. I also have a much more active social life, and a wider group of friends than he does. His world does seem very small despite the length of time he has been here. To be honest, nothing about him is really all that interesting. What do I do? Just be too busy? Tell him I have too many commitments and too much stress going on about work and seeing friends before I go? Which is pretty much true. Tell him actually a secret agent and must cut all contact? HELP

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/09/2020 00:39

Rather than assassinate his character, just be adult enough to tell him he's not for you and wish him well with future dates.

It doesn't have to be a big deal or a drama. I'm sure you're not the first woman who's not interested in dating him and you won't be the last.

Likewise with you.

Justsocross · 03/09/2020 00:43

Yep I’m a coward and would try the ‘too busy to see you ‘ line !!!! I would just try putting off seeing him with excuses Blush hopefully some one useful will come along soon . But yes lots of us have been there suddenly realising the person you are seeing is not your type

SleepingStandingUp · 03/09/2020 00:43

Do you think he's too "old" perhaps? Not chronologically but mentally? He sounds very safe and sensible.

I'd be honest, tell him you're leaving soon, and you think it's best to call and end to this now before things get more complicated, you have lots to do before you leave so you wish him well

IvyEf · 03/09/2020 00:43

'Had a great time but not feeling it. Best of luck.'

Why all the drama?

WorraLiberty · 03/09/2020 00:47

And yes, leaving soon is a perfect excuse so really no need for all the drama, capital letters and 'dear reader' stuff.

Just be polite and honest.

eatsleepread · 03/09/2020 00:48

The sad thing is that if he played it cooler, you'd probably be more into him Grin

Original poster
Wtfareyou · 03/09/2020 00:48

You're right, I am being unreasonable. It was meant to be a bit light-hearted, but I'm coming across as cruel. I've just never really felt the whole ick thing before. It's a bit crazy, and I'm a bit stressed!

He's not too old or anything. It's definitely me.

OP posts:
Guineapigbridge · 03/09/2020 00:54

Pajamas!! Ick.

Just tell him you think he's a great guy, you've enjoyed getting to know him but he's not for you. Half-heartedly offer to set him up with a friend or something to give him hope.

VaggieMight · 03/09/2020 00:59

I'm not quite getting why you shared a bed with someone you don't like. Just dump him if you're not interested. You both deserve better.

Yeahnahmum · 03/09/2020 01:01

Act your age op. Just tell him you are not feeling it and wish him well :)

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2020 01:02

I really don't understand why this is such a conundrum. You can barely stand to be around him. Dump immediately and block. It's not hard.

Original poster
Wtfareyou · 03/09/2020 01:09

I realise how ridiculous I sound. But honestly, I was perfectly happy with how things were going, fancied him and enjoyed his company...then all of a sudden when I saw him last night I just checked out. Weird.

Anyway, message received and thanks mumsnetters for your perspectives... should have kept my daft thoughts to myself and got on with it

OP posts:
greengreengrass14 · 03/09/2020 01:10

How on earth did you manage to have him back to your house if you didn't fancy him? Sounds like extreme people-pleasing. I would think about that one.

1forAll74 · 03/09/2020 01:14

You should tell him how you feel, or don't feel, you are both old enough to understand how some relationships don't work out.

managedmis · 03/09/2020 01:15

I make him a chamomile tea

^^

Grin

Ouf

IdblowJonSnow · 03/09/2020 01:17

I read your op as lighthearted. There have been many amusing threads on here previously regarding 'the ick'!

Personally I like a bit of drama! Sounds like he's a bit too staid/sensible/dull for your tastes? You don't sound unkind to me, it's not like you're making any of those comments to him!

I'd tell him there isn't much point carrying on as it can't go anywhere.

Btw are you in NZ?

Enough4me · 03/09/2020 01:20

I tried to get past the ick when someone I was seeing was lovely and I worried I was being over-judgmental. It was him walking out of his house in old man's slippers to help me find his allocated parking space and directing me with limp hand gestures and a soppy expression at me being there, made me think of a slug, yuck.

It isn't possible to hide true feelings, I'd back away quickly, but say it's you (needing headspace) not him.

Sparklfairy · 03/09/2020 01:37

It was him walking out of his house in old man's slippers to help me find his allocated parking space and directing me with limp hand gestures and a soppy expression at me being there, made me think of a slug, yuck.

Ugggghhhhh I broke out in a cold sweat just reading that Envy

OP, I get it. It comes on so suddenly you question yourself. Mine, we went away for a few days and by the end of the trip I was ready to explode with petty rage. All my friends and family said, 'oh it's just because you've spent a lot of time together early on, give it some time, he seems really nice' blah blah. It made me feel really unreasonable and mean.

Some PPs I think either haven't been in this situation or really are heartless bitches that just 'block and move on'. Depending on your personality, when the guy hasn't actually done anything 'wrong', it's not as cut throat as that in the real world!!

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 03/09/2020 01:38

I thought ywbu until the pyjamas came out. Shock

HannaYeah · 03/09/2020 01:51

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

I thought ywbu until the pyjamas came out. Shock
For me it was that and the chamomile tea. It sounds more like you had your grandmother over.
YerAWizardHarry · 03/09/2020 01:56

Can't stand the idea that someone is too nice or too keen Envy you don't like him, fair enough. Don't make out his lovely qualities are horrible. Be a grown up and finish it.

Egghead68 · 03/09/2020 01:57

Just tell him it’s not going to work for you.

cbt944 · 03/09/2020 02:10

I enjoyed your post. The bit where you lie together in your bed, him in his no doubt carefully folded pjs, after a camomile tea! Haaaa!

When the ick arrives, it should not be ignored. It is like the bolt of cupid's arrow, sudden, irrational perhaps, but ignore at your peril!

Sunnyrainshowers · 03/09/2020 03:35

Time for a piddle......ick

Original poster
Wtfareyou · 03/09/2020 05:18

Thanks folks. Some of your posts really have made me chuckle.

Also to the poster who mentioned about people pleasing, you might have a point. We had agreed however about him staying at mine. I live in the city near where he works, but he's further out. So he was naturally all set, and it was a lateish end to the night.

This might be a massive drip feed...but there was something that was bugging me a bit. The first time we dtd it was a but unplanned and we had had a lot to drink. It's a bit hazy but he came to mine and we started having sex, but I put a stop to it. Partly due to being drunk it was a bit of a non starter for us both anyway. We had talked about our sexual health status and that I'm on hormonal contraception previously, however I wasn't comfortable having sex without a condom for obvious reasons. But we didn't talk about it then, just woke up hungover, chatted in bed etc. A bit awkward but snuggly and I didn't think too much about it. Anyway he then invited me to his for dinner, which was last Saturday. Before the day it was on my mind about the condom thing, so I sent a message basically saying I realised we were both pissed, but am not comfortable having sex without a condom outside of a committed relationship and really we should both be more sensible in future, and that I would make sure we had some. He totally agreed and said yes absolutely, not to worry, he was thinking the same and was now indeed prepared condom wise for next time. In the meantime I was invited to a not to be missed event by a friend Saturday day time, think hospitality box type sporting ring event. I asked did he mind, should we rearrange as I might be late and there would be complimentary food/drinks etc. He was insistent that no, I should go have a nice time, that he was looking forward to seeing me. When I got there I had admittedly had a few drinks, he had cooked a lovely steak dinner etc, all the trimmings. Chatted away, I slowed down a bit on the wine, or tried to, but he was generous. Anyway then we were getting intimate and he kind of picked me up and took me to bed and suddenly was inside me but no condom. I don't know why, but I didn't stop him and it was over quickly. I straight away said, whoa so much for our conversation eh. He sort of laughed and said yeah, good intentions eh. Oh well you're on the pill and we're both clean so hey ho. Now, I realise I'm just as complicit, but there's something about his preparedness in other ways, the bloody pyjamas etc, and how comfortable he made himself at mine last night, that just annoyed me about his total disregard in other ways. We were both idiots, but I was definitely more tipsy the second time, him sober and we were in his space. So anyway, maybe that was a contributing factor.

So, he left hid bloody underwear didn't he. I wonder if he knew I was getting cold feet. I was non committal this morning about the next time we would meet.

OP posts: