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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The ick...what to do?

152 replies

Wtfareyou · 03/09/2020 00:34

So, I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. We met on OLD months ago but thanks to Covid we never got round to meeting up...well I kinda let it fizzle out. I'm in a country and area where we are very lucky and there is now no covid to worry about, and thanks to his perseverence we finally met up, went on a few coffee, drinks cinema dates, and have hooked up, I've been for dinner and stayed at his, he's been to mine etc. You get the picture. I am mid 30s him early 40s for context, neither of us ever married or had kids. We are both from the UK but are in another country. He's resident here and been here a lot longer. I'm not and likely will have to go home fairly soon, in fact I was only supposed to be here a year but covid meant my work was disrupted.

He's perfectly nice, fit, attractive, well dressed (perhaps too much so for me) steady job, communicative with out being overboard. Interested in me and kind (maybe too keen?), always wanting to arrange the next date. So why do I have the ick? We met last night for dinner and the cinema, with the premise he was coming back to mine. All fine. The minute he walked in the restaurant door I felt all stabby. His little overnight bag, complimenting my top, telling me how much he likes hanging out with me. His bloody voice, his inane chat. I found myself internally scowling at every little thing. We went to the cinema, all the way through I was thinking oh no, how will I sleep with him? I feigned a headache, he's being all nice. Back to mine. He gets his bloody pyjamas out, brushes his teeth. I make him a chamomile tea. We go to bed and I can't even kiss him definitely not sleep with him. So we drift off. He wakes early for the bathroom, apologises for disturbing me but 'it was time for a piddle'. Argh. ARGH. AAARRRGH.

Dear reader, he's still here, snoozing away as I wait for him to wake up, get up, get dressed and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.

So, what to do? Like I said, I'm likely to leave in the next couple of months. I don't really want to just unceremoniously dump him out of the blue, or in other words I'm a bit of a coward. I wouldn't dream of ghosting, but I really just don't have a desire to see him again. He's so very keen, ideas for us to do all sorts of fun things. He knows I probably have a finite amount of time, and that I'm very busy with work. I also have a much more active social life, and a wider group of friends than he does. His world does seem very small despite the length of time he has been here. To be honest, nothing about him is really all that interesting. What do I do? Just be too busy? Tell him I have too many commitments and too much stress going on about work and seeing friends before I go? Which is pretty much true. Tell him actually a secret agent and must cut all contact? HELP

OP posts:
AlrightTreacle · 06/09/2020 10:22

Chuck his pants in the bin. Deny any knowledge of them if he asks.

Text him and say you're not feeling it and don't want to see him again, you could mention the no condom thing, but tbh you already had and he ignored it the first time so you'd probably be wasting your breath on the prick. If it's only been a few weeks it's acceptable to end it by text, plus the condom thing makes him a right twat anyway.

Book a STI check.

thecatsarecrazy · 06/09/2020 11:32

Hope you manage to get rid op. If you're not feeling it please don't let it continue. I've been chatting with someone for a couple of weeks with the possibility of meeting. This morning he showed his true colours. Text my saying he got a parking ticket, and referred to the traffic warden as a racist slur and found it totally ok to tell me. Last night I heard his voice for the first time and it put me off. This morning was it for me

nearlynermal · 06/09/2020 13:18

I reckon you should fuck with him a bit and say you don't want to be intimate again until he's also had his STD test.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 06/09/2020 13:52

@Wtfareyou

I’m not sure why you’re waiting a week to end things. Just text him saying things are working out sorry no hard feelings ect etc then block and move on.

billy1966 · 06/09/2020 14:18

Oh definitely deny any knowledge of his underwear.
Why would you even entertain that.
You simply don't know what he is talking about.
Who gives a shit if he knows you are lying.

Twat.
Flowers

ColleagueFromMars · 06/09/2020 14:22

What an addition your second post is!

I would have to tell him what a dick move he made, twice. "Its over, I've got the ick because of your completely blase attitude towards sexual health and pregnancy prevention. Had I been sober I'd have never agreed to sex without a condom either time and you definitely knew that before the second time. I have my own responsibility to take for my own decisions but I just don't respect you for yours. Bye" And block.

You. Owe. Him. Nothing.

And you owe yourself a good talking to and reflection on why you didn't hold better boundaries both times and how you can make sure that you do in future. Flowers

Lollyneenah · 06/09/2020 14:53

Iiiiick. Oh OP I had the same thing happen to me and then the subsequent ick.
The fella I was seeing couldnt have been more of a gent leading up to sex, and dont get me wrong I did want to- just not as quickly as he did. Genuinely got me drunk and somehow went from kissing me to having sex with me in a few seconds. He was much stronger and everything than me and we were in my home alone and I just couldnt think my way out of it.i only put a stop to it when he started asking for more erm... 'exotic' sex as it were. He was immediately lovely again afterwards and i felt like you do, just grossed out by him.
I still feel a hit shell shocked about it and angry with him, he was very unpleasant when I broke it off so I do understand your dragging the dumping out. Just please take my advice and block as soon as hes read the dumping text and dont answer the door to him should he come knocking.

Wtfareyou · 07/09/2020 00:40

Thanks all. I really appreciate the solidarity and hearing from people who have had similar experiences. To those who are wondering why I'm dragging out the drama, I'm not meaning to come across like that. I know it's not a big deal in the scheme of things, I'm just keeping those who are interested updated. It might be useful to look back and see the progression/thought processes that occur in these situations, both for me and others.

I responded last night and then he asked when I was going away etc. I just messaged now (it's morning here, I'm in Australia) with general chat about my busy week, going away, and then saying I won't have time to catch up again so all the best. Straight forward enough I think. I don't imagine there will be any problematic come back as such, but you never know!

OP posts:
MagMell · 07/09/2020 00:49

@borntohula

Why on earth have some posters pretended that this isn't obviously light-hearted? So weird.
Did you not read the part where he doesn’t use a condom despite the OP explicitly having said she will not have she without one?
MagMell · 07/09/2020 00:53

OP, it’s not clear to me why his having not used a condom against your clearly-expressed wishes wasn’t (1) the topic of this post and (2) the reason you gave for not seeing him again, rather than some ostensibly light-hearted ‘ick’ stuff. Are you afraid of him?

TheVamoosh · 07/09/2020 01:00

MagMell

He made light of it. Our social conditioning as women probably led the OP to feel that she shouldn't make a fuss, hence the comedy "Bridget Jones" style narrative about overnight bags and whatnot.

TheNewLook · 07/09/2020 01:09

If he asks for the undies, put them thru letter box

I don’t know which part of this sentence is making me laugh the most.

DressingGownofDoom · 07/09/2020 01:09

He left his disgusting used pants in your house, even without any of the other horrible stuff that's reason to dump him Shock

TheNewLook · 07/09/2020 01:10

I don’t know if this thread was supposed to be funny, but I’m in bed sniggering quietly under the duvet.

TheNewLook · 07/09/2020 01:11

Pyjamas are such a turnoff on a man. I won’t let DH own them. He knows the night he comes to bed in pyjamas is the night I turn celibate.

Wtfareyou · 07/09/2020 01:29

Sniggered under the duvet Grin I love the feeling of mutuality between total strangers.

So he was surprised at my abrupt ending. I just had to reply and mention the condom thing. I didn't do it in an aggressive way, as tbh I really should have asserted myself at the time but didn't, which is pretty much what I said. And wished him happy tindering for the future. He responded:

'Thank you for being honest, Wtfareyou. Had I known it would affect what’s been a very lovely time getting to know you, albeit brief, I would have practiced better precaution too.

I actually loathe Tinder and hookup culture. Meaningful, wholesome connections appear to be in short supply in these modern, shallow times'

Yeah. You ARE a modern, shallow time mate. Jog on you massive twat

OP posts:
SauvyB · 07/09/2020 01:32

Nothing worse than the ICK. It's not reversible either. 😩

SauvyB · 07/09/2020 01:39

Also, I don't know why but reading this reminds of the character in Liar.

Something feels off...

ColleagueFromMars · 07/09/2020 01:45

Thank you for being honest, Wtfareyou. Had I known it would affect what’s been a very lovely time getting to know you, albeit brief, I would have practiced better precaution too.

ICK

Knobhead.

That's all.

yecannyshoveyergranny · 07/09/2020 03:52

Jesus fuck what a wanker. He would've practiced better precaution if he knew it would affect you?!
Op even if you didn't assert yourself at the time (you were drunk and he was the one who didn't put a condom on, stop blaming yourself) there's no time limit on being angry about it. You're allowed to say you know what, you jeopardised my sexual health and I'm really fucked off about it.

cbt944 · 07/09/2020 04:53

I have found your thread very useful. Thinking back, the 'ick' was an important signal. I used to think it meant I was shallow or fickle. Wish I'd paid it more heed when I was young.

His response, though!

"Had I known it would affect what’s been a very lovely time getting to know you, albeit brief, I would have practiced better precaution too.

Oh, so you only use a condom when you absolutely have to? What a gent.

I actually loathe Tinder and hookup culture. Meaningful, wholesome connections appear to be in short supply in these modern, shallow times'

I think maybe he's jonesing for some Horlicks! Jog on, dickwad!

Sparticuscaticus · 07/09/2020 07:10

Had I known..
But he did know. You told him at length you needed condom used for sex in future after the first time . He got you drunk and him sober, he still did so.

in these modern shallow times... hook up culture
He is passive aggressively throwing shade at you. He's not adverse to this 'hook up culture', he's the one insisting on sex!

You are doing brilliantly not to reply to him
and to see him for the manipulative pompous twat he is

I think you'd be perfectly wise to
-Throw those dirty pants he left behind in the bin .
-Have a long shower.
-Block his number.

Eewww as he ups the ick factor each time

netsybetsy · 07/09/2020 07:24

Chuck his pants in the bin. Deny any knowledge of them if he asks.

Grin
CatsFantastic · 07/09/2020 07:32

This is one of the reasons I absolutely hate films/stories where the set up is - girl next door hates boy next door ... and through a series of events eventually realises he is the perfect man. Nope. The ‘ick’ exists for a reason. It is your subconscience telling you to stay away!

borntohula · 07/09/2020 22:04

@MagMell I also thought it would be fairly obvious I was referring to the actual original post......