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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The ick...what to do?

152 replies

Wtfareyou · 03/09/2020 00:34

So, I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. We met on OLD months ago but thanks to Covid we never got round to meeting up...well I kinda let it fizzle out. I'm in a country and area where we are very lucky and there is now no covid to worry about, and thanks to his perseverence we finally met up, went on a few coffee, drinks cinema dates, and have hooked up, I've been for dinner and stayed at his, he's been to mine etc. You get the picture. I am mid 30s him early 40s for context, neither of us ever married or had kids. We are both from the UK but are in another country. He's resident here and been here a lot longer. I'm not and likely will have to go home fairly soon, in fact I was only supposed to be here a year but covid meant my work was disrupted.

He's perfectly nice, fit, attractive, well dressed (perhaps too much so for me) steady job, communicative with out being overboard. Interested in me and kind (maybe too keen?), always wanting to arrange the next date. So why do I have the ick? We met last night for dinner and the cinema, with the premise he was coming back to mine. All fine. The minute he walked in the restaurant door I felt all stabby. His little overnight bag, complimenting my top, telling me how much he likes hanging out with me. His bloody voice, his inane chat. I found myself internally scowling at every little thing. We went to the cinema, all the way through I was thinking oh no, how will I sleep with him? I feigned a headache, he's being all nice. Back to mine. He gets his bloody pyjamas out, brushes his teeth. I make him a chamomile tea. We go to bed and I can't even kiss him definitely not sleep with him. So we drift off. He wakes early for the bathroom, apologises for disturbing me but 'it was time for a piddle'. Argh. ARGH. AAARRRGH.

Dear reader, he's still here, snoozing away as I wait for him to wake up, get up, get dressed and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.

So, what to do? Like I said, I'm likely to leave in the next couple of months. I don't really want to just unceremoniously dump him out of the blue, or in other words I'm a bit of a coward. I wouldn't dream of ghosting, but I really just don't have a desire to see him again. He's so very keen, ideas for us to do all sorts of fun things. He knows I probably have a finite amount of time, and that I'm very busy with work. I also have a much more active social life, and a wider group of friends than he does. His world does seem very small despite the length of time he has been here. To be honest, nothing about him is really all that interesting. What do I do? Just be too busy? Tell him I have too many commitments and too much stress going on about work and seeing friends before I go? Which is pretty much true. Tell him actually a secret agent and must cut all contact? HELP

OP posts:
LittleChoCho · 03/09/2020 08:53

I once got the ick with someone mid-deed, while I was on top of him. Something about his facial expression, and my brain went 'nope' and that was that. I have no idea what happened but the switch flicked off right there.

OP, if he is manoeuvring you into sex without a condom against your wishes that is seriously dodgy and your instincts to run far away are correct. The ick is your body catching up with the little voice in your head telling you that wasn't ok. Have you watched 'I May Destroy You'? There's a storyline in it that deals with this scenario.

Nonotthisagain · 03/09/2020 08:58

OP I know this was light-hearted - don't worry about posters not knowing about the ick.

There's so much ick in this man I'm not sure I can finish my breakfast! 🤣🤣

SurreyHillsGirl · 03/09/2020 09:01

pyjamas

piddle

camomile tea

Not acceptable. Not even when living together or even married.

In my OLD days, I did quite a lot of dumping, it was never pleasant but I wouldn't have dreamt of ghosting. The Ick never goes, you have to rip the band aid off in one go and quickly. I was dating a guy who went on holiday two weeks after we met. He sent me a photo of a massive heart he had drawn in the sand on the beach with my name in the middle. The Ick was instant.

DipSwimSwoosh · 03/09/2020 09:07

Oh for goodness sake.
You just say 'this isn't working for me, sorry, I'm going to have to end it here'.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/09/2020 09:08

Had a great time but not feeling it. Best of luck
Funny how yesterday was a thread with a lady who was told that, after a date and someone she thought she'd clicked with and the overwhelming response was that he was a compete ass.

How about saying it as it is. That as you got to know him more, you realised that you had much less in common than you thought initially and that you don't feel the attraction any longer.

Emeraldshamrock · 03/09/2020 09:11

He sounds like a good catch for someone else. You can't help how you feel it wouldn't be fair to either of you to continue the relationship.
I sometimes think the ick is part of a sixth sense one you can't ignore.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 03/09/2020 09:11

You weren’t that into him from the start. Spending more time with him has confirmed that. If you had chemistry all the stuff you are moaning about would be endearing quirks.

You don’t need to construct excuses to stop seeing him. Say a cheery goodbye and move on.

Piffle11 · 03/09/2020 09:14

Reading these replies, I think some people haven’t read your update regarding the unprotected sex. When I read your initial post, my feelings were ‘Oh dear, poor guy, he’s just too nice!’ But after your update... I actually have alarm bells ringing. This guy, who appears to be so lovely, thoughtful, sweet, agreeable... ‘whatever you say - I really like you’ etc - And then he does that? Don’t feel bad about letting this one go: I think there is more to him that makes the eye, and not in a good way.

Laundrywoman · 03/09/2020 09:14

@Martinisarebetterdirty

OP there is nothing wrong with assassinating his character on here (which you aren’t even really doing) unless he knows your user name and you send him a link. This is an anonymous forum where you can feel free to post what you want. I completely get why it’s hard to dump him - a lot of women are brought up to be people pleasers. Just block and move on (I liked your writing style btw of your first post - I got that the drama was helping you to make sense of it all).
Exactly this. ^

You're expressing very well a situation lots of us can understand
because we've been in similar ones.

There's not always a need for 'heavy' messages, op, some of us 'get it.'
You're coming across ok, don't beat yourself up.

Catawaul · 03/09/2020 09:16

I agree with Mandalay. I'm really grateful for insightful people like this who can cut to the crux of the issue, it helps me too!

minnieok · 03/09/2020 09:22

I can't get over him bringing pj's! Like it was a kids sleepover... I hate nightwear I admit so maybe I'm bias

AnnaFour · 03/09/2020 09:24

Nope x 1000. I had a very similar situation to you. Kept having the condom talk, the wine kept flowing, he kept trying to start stiff minus condom. When I insisted he made ‘jokey’ comments about it and made a big faff about putting it on. He was also really ‘nice’ and attentive but it definitely gave me the ick. Which tbh isn’t really the ick at all is it? It’s you defending your boundaries as it’s clear he isn’t respecting them.

reader12 · 03/09/2020 09:55

Oh dear this is worse and worse. The ick is your reptile brain rescuing you from danger that you should be able to clearly recognise but somehow blinded yourself to. The chamomile tea is beside the point, he got you drunk and had sex without a condom after you’d said that wasn’t ok with you. Why on earth did you arrange another date after he’d clearly showed you he’s an arse who doesn’t respect you?

I have a friend who wasted all of her 20s and 30s pandering to arseholes she didn’t even like, from never having the confidence to put her own needs and wishes front and centre of her own life. She would agonise over what the latest arsehole might think if she did or said xyz. It was maddening to watch. She has a lovely partner now but was over 40 when they met so she missed out on having kids. Run for your life from this man, there is no way he could ever make you happy. And then please learn how to put yourself first, because nobody else will.

reader12 · 03/09/2020 09:59

Oh also look up the drama triangle - it might be enlightening!

IncandescentSilver · 03/09/2020 10:02

I think the ick might actually be your gut instinct warning you there is something wrong with this man.

DancingInTheGarden · 03/09/2020 12:27

I think you should be really honest with him.

"I told you that I did not want to have sex with you without a condom, but you still went ahead and did it without one. Despite us agreeing this would not happen.
This is an absolute end game situation for me so I don't want to meet up again."

DancingInTheGarden · 03/09/2020 12:29

@reader12 - absolutely what you said.

DrManhattan · 03/09/2020 12:53

Get yourself tested.

Sparticuscaticus · 03/09/2020 13:14

I hope you are Ok OP.

Now you've had time to mull it over and clarify what was making you uncomfortable, I hope you realise that you never have to deal with or see this man again. Don't feel bad

Sweep him away mentally - once you've sent that text and posted those undies!- all angsty feelings will go.

Please enjoy your last couple of months in your current country finishing your job, socialising with people you do want to see, and look forward to a fresh start back in UK when you return home,

angelcakebananabrain · 03/09/2020 13:28

I hope you’re ok OP. This is a really interesting thread, I’d never realised that “the ick” could be your brain not recognising red flags but still knowing something is wrong

Zakana · 03/09/2020 13:50

@Poppet1974

Toothpaste and moisturiser at angles, In a certain size...... shades of Sleeping with the Enemy😳😳😳
This exactly, at the moment I was reading this post, I thought of exactly the same film!

Just end it politely, saying it’s not working for you, and put it down to experience.

Zakana · 03/09/2020 13:52

And to be honest, the carefully packed PJs and chamomile tea would give me major ick!

MatildaTheCat · 03/09/2020 14:02

Having sex without a condom when one partner has said they don’t want to do so is sexual assault if not rape. Especially if the non consenting partner is drunk. I’m surprised not more people have commented on this.

Good riddance.

Covert20 · 03/09/2020 14:05

Um, I hesitate to say this, but you’ve got the ick because he’s a rapist. In my mind, sex without a condom when you know the other party doesn’t accept that, is rape. Don’t see him again, don’t apologise and look after yourself Flowers

Covert20 · 03/09/2020 14:07

Ah cross posted with @MatildaTheCat glad I’m not the only one to see it