The ick...what to do?

[Wtfareyou]

So, I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. We met on OLD months ago but thanks to Covid we never got round to meeting up...well I kinda let it fizzle out. I'm in a country and area where we are very lucky and there is now no covid to worry about, and thanks to his perseverence we finally met up, went on a few coffee, drinks cinema dates, and have hooked up, I've been for dinner and stayed at his, he's been to mine etc. You get the picture. I am mid 30s him early 40s for context, neither of us ever married or had kids. We are both from the UK but are in another country. He's resident here and been here a lot longer. I'm not and likely will have to go home fairly soon, in fact I was only supposed to be here a year but covid meant my work was disrupted.

He's perfectly nice, fit, attractive, well dressed (perhaps too much so for me) steady job, communicative with out being overboard. Interested in me and kind (maybe too keen?), always wanting to arrange the next date. So why do I have the ick? We met last night for dinner and the cinema, with the premise he was coming back to mine. All fine. The minute he walked in the restaurant door I felt all stabby. His little overnight bag, complimenting my top, telling me how much he likes hanging out with me. His bloody voice, his inane chat. I found myself internally scowling at every little thing. We went to the cinema, all the way through I was thinking oh no, how will I sleep with him? I feigned a headache, he's being all nice. Back to mine. He gets his bloody pyjamas out, brushes his teeth. I make him a chamomile tea. We go to bed and I can't even kiss him definitely not sleep with him. So we drift off. He wakes early for the bathroom, apologises for disturbing me but 'it was time for a piddle'. Argh. ARGH. AAARRRGH.

Dear reader, he's still here, snoozing away as I wait for him to wake up, get up, get dressed and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.

So, what to do? Like I said, I'm likely to leave in the next couple of months. I don't really want to just unceremoniously dump him out of the blue, or in other words I'm a bit of a coward. I wouldn't dream of ghosting, but I really just don't have a desire to see him again. He's so very keen, ideas for us to do all sorts of fun things. He knows I probably have a finite amount of time, and that I'm very busy with work. I also have a much more active social life, and a wider group of friends than he does. His world does seem very small despite the length of time he has been here. To be honest, nothing about him is really all that interesting. What do I do? Just be too busy? Tell him I have too many commitments and too much stress going on about work and seeing friends before I go? Which is pretty much true. Tell him actually a secret agent and must cut all contact? HELP

@DancingInTheGarden

I think you should be really honest with him.

"I told you that I did not want to have sex with you without a condom, but you still went ahead and did it without one. Despite us agreeing this would not happen.
This is an absolute end game situation for me so I don't want to meet up again."

Yes! Seriously copy & paste this & text it to him - you never know he might even learn something! And you’ll feel so powerful if say the truth instead of making excuses to end it, or worse, carry on going along with things until he’s somehow moved in with you, just because he seems keen and you don’t want to hurt his feelings or stand up for yourself. You don’t want to find him putting all the food in your kitchen cupboards in straight lines before you even realised he’s moved in!

You've described a cosy evening get together with someone who sounds like...…...well I dunno, your granny????

Chamomile tea and PJ's????? Not likely. You should be experiencing red-hot, simmering sexual desire to rip one another's clothes off as you open the door to the flat! Or similar.

Yeah...……..he's not the one.

@Ori82 - it's only like spending an evening with your granny if your granny is a sex offender.

Just popping in to say I absolutely love threads about the ick. I got it when a guy talked about having 'chips and fish', thinking he was being funny. Ughhhh.

I had one a bit like this. I was lukewarm right from the beginning, but we seemed to get on well so I thought I'd give it a chance as he seemed interested.

From the very moment I raised the possibility of something happening between us he turned into this needy, pathetic, overly keen, highly irritating little boy. He kept asking me if I wanted a cuddle, and giving me cutesy nicknames like calling me "my cookie monster" just because he saw me eating a sodding biscuit. Absolutely no chance of getting rid of the ick.

Just be honest and tell him it's not going anywhere and you don't want to see him again.

YABU because it's not his fault that everything about him irritates you. You should just tell him (should have done before now really) that it's not working for you/chemistry's not there or whatever and allow both of you to move on.

I think there is more to him that makes the eye, and not in a good way.

Interesting eggcorn!

Just read your second post and feel a bit different now, but still, don't let it drag on.

I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. What he did was sexual assault as you made it crystal clear to him that you were not comfortable having sex without a condom. It was a violation of your boundaries and it was in no way acceptable. The fact that he was trying so hard to get you to drink implies that this was very much premeditated too.

You do not owe him anything you can ghost him if you want. Can you talk to a friend about this IRL? They will be a lot more sympathetic than people on MN. And to the people implying that OP is responsible for what this man did to her please immediately seek to educate yourself better.

To add, it may be worth calling a women’s charity and talking it through with someone trained

I had a great time. I don't think we would be a good match though. Best wishes for the future.

@MatildaTheCat

Having sex without a condom when one partner has said they don’t want to do so is sexual assault if not rape. Especially if the non consenting partner is drunk. I’m surprised not more people have commented on this.

Good riddance.

Yes, exactly. He deliberately got you drunk, to lower your inhibitions, so you wouldn't complain when he stuck his uncondomed dick in you. That's sexual assault, if not rape.

OP what support do you have IRL?

I really think you need support and to accept that you were sexually assaulted and are in self damage limitation mode trying to make light of this.

He's a twat. Tell him to fuck off.

'He's a twat, tell him to fuck off'

Thanks to the posters who have been kind and supportive, helping me see his behaviour for what it is. Thanks also to those who have given me a bit of a stern talking to, and of course thanks to those who have made me laugh out loud by showing solidarity and sharing their ick stories!

I had a long video chat with my brother last night who I'm very close to. It was reassuring and good to talk to someone irl. He laughed at my ickness, and said much the same as many of you, that he's a selfish loser basically. He knows how much I love mumsnet and was very amused when I told him some of your responses.

I haven't heard from him since, which is unusual, maybe he picked up on me cooling off. Maybe he's waiting for me to tell him his undies are here. Who knows. I don't plan on getting in touch, but if he does I plan on fading out the conversation a bit and then ending things next week. I'm always a bit wary if being too brutal, you never know how someone might react and he knows where I live, and that I live alone. It's becoming clearer he's not the nice guy I thought he was.

@Sunnyrainshowers

Time for a piddle......ick

Yeah that would put me off too. He sounds 75 years old.

@Wtfareyou

Thanks folks. Some of your posts really have made me chuckle.

Also to the poster who mentioned about people pleasing, you might have a point. We had agreed however about him staying at mine. I live in the city near where he works, but he's further out. So he was naturally all set, and it was a lateish end to the night.

This might be a massive drip feed...but there was something that was bugging me a bit. The first time we dtd it was a but unplanned and we had had a lot to drink. It's a bit hazy but he came to mine and we started having sex, but I put a stop to it. Partly due to being drunk it was a bit of a non starter for us both anyway. We had talked about our sexual health status and that I'm on hormonal contraception previously, however I wasn't comfortable having sex without a condom for obvious reasons. But we didn't talk about it then, just woke up hungover, chatted in bed etc. A bit awkward but snuggly and I didn't think too much about it. Anyway he then invited me to his for dinner, which was last Saturday. Before the day it was on my mind about the condom thing, so I sent a message basically saying I realised we were both pissed, but am not comfortable having sex without a condom outside of a committed relationship and really we should both be more sensible in future, and that I would make sure we had some. He totally agreed and said yes absolutely, not to worry, he was thinking the same and was now indeed prepared condom wise for next time. In the meantime I was invited to a not to be missed event by a friend Saturday day time, think hospitality box type sporting ring event. I asked did he mind, should we rearrange as I might be late and there would be complimentary food/drinks etc. He was insistent that no, I should go have a nice time, that he was looking forward to seeing me. When I got there I had admittedly had a few drinks, he had cooked a lovely steak dinner etc, all the trimmings. Chatted away, I slowed down a bit on the wine, or tried to, but he was generous. Anyway then we were getting intimate and he kind of picked me up and took me to bed and suddenly was inside me but no condom. I don't know why, but I didn't stop him and it was over quickly. I straight away said, whoa so much for our conversation eh. He sort of laughed and said yeah, good intentions eh. Oh well you're on the pill and we're both clean so hey ho. Now, I realise I'm just as complicit, but there's something about his preparedness in other ways, the bloody pyjamas etc, and how comfortable he made himself at mine last night, that just annoyed me about his total disregard in other ways. We were both idiots, but I was definitely more tipsy the second time, him sober and we were in his space. So anyway, maybe that was a contributing factor.

So, he left hid bloody underwear didn't he. I wonder if he knew I was getting cold feet. I was non committal this morning about the next time we would meet.

No wonder you've gone off him. That's not cool. You need to get rid ASAP and don't feel bad about it.

This would really give me the rage. You're on the pill so he's alright; who cares if he gives you chlamydia. Also very irritating if he's acting all keen, because if he actually gave a fuck about you he'd listen to you about something that matters. I'd just tell him the condom thing was a deal breaker.

Less Ick, more Ewww actually. Do keep us updated OP.

Hahaha. OP, he probably will not be surprised when you say it's not working out - don't worry so much, just rip the plaster off.

I find men like this annoying too and was also stuck with one for a while. He'd bought me a little gingham (?) washbag for toothbrush when I was staying over, stocked the whole fridge up - despite it being Very early days, used the word "daddy" to ask after my dad (who was unwell). He was like a little puppy dog. And oh my god, in bed, he stopped at one point all wide eyed and said "I can't believe this is happening" and then carried on. Ick! I started to feel really irritated alot of the time around him. Ended it, he said he knew it was coming as we were quite different. Fine.

(I've ignored serious condom(less) part of your story)

Just send him a message saying you are not feeling it

Sometimes we just don’t and then everything they do is annoying. If you did like him all those annoying things would seem lovely right now even his pj’s

We have all been there and no doubt we have been that ick woman for someone

I also agree with PP's that you should tell him you don't want to see him again and the reason is, he had sex without a condom when he knew how you felt about it.

Gosh. A grown man using the word ‘piddle’ would be enough for me to leave! Seriously though, if you’re not feeling it which you most definitely are not, then that’s a valid reason to end things, not least because he sounds a little calculating. As you’re leaving in a few months anyway, it seems silly to string things out knowing there’s no future.

Just tell him. You’ll feel so much happier once you’ve cut ties.

OP, just seen you’re other message about him having sex with you a second time without a condom. Dump him immediately. He’s an utter arsehole. You did not consent to this, in fact, you made it very clear you did not want to have unprotected sex with him yet what did he do? Penetrate you without a condom.

At best he took advantage of your drunkenness, at worst, it is rape.

Suggest he watches I May Destroy You so he can understand how his behaviour makes him a sexual predator.

Christ this sounds just like my ex!!! Limp hand, gormless face, ridiculous statements “you are a lovely lady” 🤢🤮 old man slippers ... even “going for a piddle” is something he would say!!

If you were in the U.K. I’d swear it was the same person.