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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The ick...what to do?

152 replies

Wtfareyou · 03/09/2020 00:34

So, I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. We met on OLD months ago but thanks to Covid we never got round to meeting up...well I kinda let it fizzle out. I'm in a country and area where we are very lucky and there is now no covid to worry about, and thanks to his perseverence we finally met up, went on a few coffee, drinks cinema dates, and have hooked up, I've been for dinner and stayed at his, he's been to mine etc. You get the picture. I am mid 30s him early 40s for context, neither of us ever married or had kids. We are both from the UK but are in another country. He's resident here and been here a lot longer. I'm not and likely will have to go home fairly soon, in fact I was only supposed to be here a year but covid meant my work was disrupted.

He's perfectly nice, fit, attractive, well dressed (perhaps too much so for me) steady job, communicative with out being overboard. Interested in me and kind (maybe too keen?), always wanting to arrange the next date. So why do I have the ick? We met last night for dinner and the cinema, with the premise he was coming back to mine. All fine. The minute he walked in the restaurant door I felt all stabby. His little overnight bag, complimenting my top, telling me how much he likes hanging out with me. His bloody voice, his inane chat. I found myself internally scowling at every little thing. We went to the cinema, all the way through I was thinking oh no, how will I sleep with him? I feigned a headache, he's being all nice. Back to mine. He gets his bloody pyjamas out, brushes his teeth. I make him a chamomile tea. We go to bed and I can't even kiss him definitely not sleep with him. So we drift off. He wakes early for the bathroom, apologises for disturbing me but 'it was time for a piddle'. Argh. ARGH. AAARRRGH.

Dear reader, he's still here, snoozing away as I wait for him to wake up, get up, get dressed and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.

So, what to do? Like I said, I'm likely to leave in the next couple of months. I don't really want to just unceremoniously dump him out of the blue, or in other words I'm a bit of a coward. I wouldn't dream of ghosting, but I really just don't have a desire to see him again. He's so very keen, ideas for us to do all sorts of fun things. He knows I probably have a finite amount of time, and that I'm very busy with work. I also have a much more active social life, and a wider group of friends than he does. His world does seem very small despite the length of time he has been here. To be honest, nothing about him is really all that interesting. What do I do? Just be too busy? Tell him I have too many commitments and too much stress going on about work and seeing friends before I go? Which is pretty much true. Tell him actually a secret agent and must cut all contact? HELP

OP posts:
Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 04/09/2020 09:23

The underwear would be going straight in the bin. You doing need to justify why you don’t like him. Bin him off just like you should with his pants!

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 04/09/2020 09:23

Don’t need*

borntohula · 04/09/2020 10:39

Why on earth have some posters pretended that this isn't obviously light-hearted? So weird.

OldEvilOwl · 04/09/2020 10:55

Just dump him OP!

Sevo7 · 04/09/2020 11:17

I’m wondering OP if the reason you suddenly got the ‘ick’ when he entered the restaurant with his overnight bag was the fact that this is a man who could not plan and prepare to have safe sex with you,even after discussion on the matter but can clearly plan and prepare to pack his toothbrush and pyjamas for an overnight stay. Therefore seeing the overnight bag brought it home how little respect he has for you and that it what turned on the ‘ick’?

Wtfareyou · 04/09/2020 14:19

@Sevo7 yes I think you have hit the nail on the head there. I was suddenly so repulsed, I guess subconsciously the events of our previous meeting were coming to the fore. On reflection he's also just not that interesting and tried to talk himself up in round about ways, bit vacuous tbh.

Interestingly he hasn't been in touch since, after being in touch all the time. I'm surprised, seeing as he left his precious undies! Maybe he's waiting for me to get in touch. Maybe he got the vibe I was backing off, or he's annoyed - I sort of apologised for bring out of sorts and not being up for any sex or intimacy due to 'not being well' and he was all like 'awww that's ok' in an annoying voice/pouty lip kind of way that suggested he actually was put out by it. Maybe he thinks I should do the running this time or something! Who knows haha. So I'm going to leave it, maybe I won't hear from him again but I doubt it. Something tells me this probably happens to him fairly often

OP posts:
Itsrainingnotmen · 04/09/2020 14:29

I would be tempted to wash /iron /fold /wrap in tissue paper and send them back!!. Grin

billy1966 · 04/09/2020 14:33

@Dozer

‘Nice guys’ don’t behave like he did, sexually.
OP,

Definitely not a nice guy.

He's scum.

He took advantage of you when you had explicitly stated your preference for a condom.

He's a predator. Your gut was rightly warning you.
I agree with others.
Your boundaries need big work.

Mind yourself Flowers

nearlynermal · 04/09/2020 18:32

I wouldn't call him a predator. Just an inconsiderate dick. I think a lot of guys just don't get it because they suffer fewer symptoms from a lot of common STDs, they don't get recurring thrush that can make sex agonisingly painful etc, they just don't empathise. As far that's they're concerned the only real worry is pregnancy.

Heartbroken21 · 04/09/2020 19:21

A lot of OTT reactions here, OP doesn’t need to contact a women’s charity, she’s not traumatised 🙄 pissed off, rightfully so but that’s as far as it goes.

billy1966 · 04/09/2020 21:56

Men don't need to "get it".

If you say you want a condom, that is it.

Deliberately disregarding your preference for a condom is the action of a scumbag.

No decent man would do that deliberately.

The OP senses that it was deliberate and is rightly pissed off over it.

He's scum.
She's well rid.

Oopsiedaisyy · 04/09/2020 22:27

If you don't want to rip his clothes off, move on

borntohula · 04/09/2020 22:28

Ugh, tbf I have the ick for him too and I've never met him.

cbt944 · 05/09/2020 02:17

I would burn those undies. With every post, OP, he just gets worse.

I would, actually, ceremoniously burn those repulsive underpants in the back yard if you have one and then sage the house!

Sparticuscaticus · 05/09/2020 12:33

@borntohula

Ugh, tbf I have the ick for him too and I've never met him.

GrinGrin

I was thinking exactly same thing!
Ewww I hope the undies aren't dirty! Was he expecting her to wash them for him?

And wtaf is he doing leaving clean undies or anything at her house on a 3rd date???

I'd suggested posting the undies back to him, to be done with him, but bining then is also an option as long as you are prepared to feign ignorance if he later asks. "What items? Why would you leave items or clothing at my house? I have no idea what you are talking about"

Enough4me · 05/09/2020 21:25

Wish posters would rtft. He pressured you into having sex with him without a condom.

He is not a nice guy, this isn't a joke. Your brother called him selfish, he is more than that he is abusive. I can't understand how you are still being so calm about it as though he borrowed your toothbrush without asking.

billy1966 · 06/09/2020 00:15

@Enough4me

Wish posters would rtft. He pressured you into having sex with him without a condom.

He is not a nice guy, this isn't a joke. Your brother called him selfish, he is more than that he is abusive. I can't understand how you are still being so calm about it as though he borrowed your toothbrush without asking.

I agree. He's scum. Not a joke. Certainly not lighthearted. But some women just have to throw shade on other's not accepting shite treatment.

He is a nasty little man.

OP is absolutely right to be repulsed.
He is repulsive.

She stated very fxxking clearly she wanted a condom.

His "oh oops" just doesn't cut it.

🙄

Could the bar be any bloody lower🙄

Wtfareyou · 06/09/2020 01:09

Yeah the undies thing is weird for someone so festidious. A couple of friends I've spoken to definitely think he did that on purpose. Unlike all the clothes, shoes and pyjamas Hmm I saw that are all expensive brands/labels (he worked in that world and liked to make a point of talking about this sort of thing, and comment on what I was wearing. I found it a bit annoying tbh. I'm in academia and just wear whatever really, fairly casual, simple and comfortable!) this pair were unlabelled and pretty basic, and yes they were the ones he had been wearing before he had a shower and changed into a whole new outfit that morning. Did he want to leave a memento? Leave his mark? Weird, and annoying because yes I don't know what to do with them.

Still not a word from either of us to each other, definitely strange. He knows I was 'busy' this weekend and lots of work on. Part of me wants to close it down properly, but then if we both just ghost each other it makes it pretty easy!

OP posts:
TheVamoosh · 06/09/2020 03:16

Weird, and annoying because yes I don't know what to do with them.

Just throw them in the bin and deny all knowledge is he asks.

Ilovesausages · 06/09/2020 03:31

I wouldn’t like the overnight bag.

He sounds awful OP. Thats inexcusable to not use a condom when you specifically told him you wanted to.

Wtfareyou · 06/09/2020 09:40

Sooo I just heard from him. A cheerful breezy message along the lines of hey I hope you've had a nice weekend, I had fun catching up with family and had a tour of blah blah place. I'm really loving the weather Grin

Interesting. Or not really. No mention of the pants. I plan on replying in a while, reiterating my super busy work week (which is true) but being decidedly more cool and vague...and then breaking things off later in the week. He knows I'm going away next weekend, and that I have a lot of commitments and probably leaving soon. I'm going to ham that all up a bit. But be equally breezy. If he is in anyway not accepting, or mentions the bloody undies, then I plan on saying about the condom thing and not wanting to stay in touch. So long, sucker.

I don't think it will make a blind bit of difference to someone like him. Urgh. You live and you learn ladies. Thank you all again

OP posts:
Itsrainingnotmen · 06/09/2020 09:46

Urgh what a knob!!
And speaking of knobs - maybe get checked out too op!!..

Wtfareyou · 06/09/2020 10:03

@Itsrainingnotmen yes absolutely I'm doing that this week anyway.

Jeez folks, there are so many twats out there

OP posts:
TheVamoosh · 06/09/2020 10:16

Good plan, OP. He sounds like a typical "selfish bastard posing as Mr Nice Guy". Just because someone's a bit dorky doesn't make them nice, contrary to what many seem to think.

Candleabra · 06/09/2020 10:21

Why are you still talking to him? Why the drama about messaging?
He's a dick, who didn't respect your boundaries and who you don't like. Just stop. Block and move on.
You're still wasting your time debating this, on here, with friends and internally. Think seriously about counselling to strengthen your boundaries and stop people pleasing.