Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The ick...what to do?

152 replies

Wtfareyou · 03/09/2020 00:34

So, I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. We met on OLD months ago but thanks to Covid we never got round to meeting up...well I kinda let it fizzle out. I'm in a country and area where we are very lucky and there is now no covid to worry about, and thanks to his perseverence we finally met up, went on a few coffee, drinks cinema dates, and have hooked up, I've been for dinner and stayed at his, he's been to mine etc. You get the picture. I am mid 30s him early 40s for context, neither of us ever married or had kids. We are both from the UK but are in another country. He's resident here and been here a lot longer. I'm not and likely will have to go home fairly soon, in fact I was only supposed to be here a year but covid meant my work was disrupted.

He's perfectly nice, fit, attractive, well dressed (perhaps too much so for me) steady job, communicative with out being overboard. Interested in me and kind (maybe too keen?), always wanting to arrange the next date. So why do I have the ick? We met last night for dinner and the cinema, with the premise he was coming back to mine. All fine. The minute he walked in the restaurant door I felt all stabby. His little overnight bag, complimenting my top, telling me how much he likes hanging out with me. His bloody voice, his inane chat. I found myself internally scowling at every little thing. We went to the cinema, all the way through I was thinking oh no, how will I sleep with him? I feigned a headache, he's being all nice. Back to mine. He gets his bloody pyjamas out, brushes his teeth. I make him a chamomile tea. We go to bed and I can't even kiss him definitely not sleep with him. So we drift off. He wakes early for the bathroom, apologises for disturbing me but 'it was time for a piddle'. Argh. ARGH. AAARRRGH.

Dear reader, he's still here, snoozing away as I wait for him to wake up, get up, get dressed and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.

So, what to do? Like I said, I'm likely to leave in the next couple of months. I don't really want to just unceremoniously dump him out of the blue, or in other words I'm a bit of a coward. I wouldn't dream of ghosting, but I really just don't have a desire to see him again. He's so very keen, ideas for us to do all sorts of fun things. He knows I probably have a finite amount of time, and that I'm very busy with work. I also have a much more active social life, and a wider group of friends than he does. His world does seem very small despite the length of time he has been here. To be honest, nothing about him is really all that interesting. What do I do? Just be too busy? Tell him I have too many commitments and too much stress going on about work and seeing friends before I go? Which is pretty much true. Tell him actually a secret agent and must cut all contact? HELP

OP posts:
Sparticuscaticus · 03/09/2020 06:25

Oh no, OP, that's not ok. You asked him to use a condom next time, you were drunk he more sober and he didn't use one.

And he's now trying to get his feet under the table at your place.

In hindsight, I think you realise you should have sent him home last night, never have a date back to your home that has been making you uncomfortable.

You're worried about being unfair and impolite.

He didn't worry about ignoring your wish to use condom. taking advantage /encouraging alcohol to have unprotected sex with you. Both times sex sounds underwhelming too . He doesn't sound the perfect catch or a decent man to date at all.

Get RID, it's not working , stop being nice to a man that takes advantage.

Sparticuscaticus · 03/09/2020 06:31

I'm sure the postal service is working in your country. Post the items he left at yours back and end it by text.

Don't get dragged into drawn out meet ups etc to discuss, you've only had a few real dates, this is a text dump situ, now you realise he was hiding a level of IRL creepiness

BlackbirdFirst · 03/09/2020 06:41

Next time he calls to invite you, say no. Then after a pause, just say that actually you dont think its working out.
If he asks for the undies, put them thru letter box.

Jayaywhynot · 03/09/2020 06:45

Same here for the camomile tea and pyjamas Grin
I'm a coward too, instead of putting yourself through the awkwardness of a conversation can you just be unavailable for the next date and the one after?
Make up excuses and hopefully he will get the message, if not the more space you put between him and yourself the easier it will be to eventually say this is not working.
If all else fails just text him that it's been lovely to spend time with you but I'm going home soon, work is manic etc and I feel this relationship will not go anywhere and if he rings you back dont answer, good luck

Dozer · 03/09/2020 06:46

You have some big problems with your ‘boundaries’. Suggest reading up on the ‘shark cage’.

minmooch · 03/09/2020 06:56

No need for drama. He seems nice, just not your type. No need to belittle him or be rude or nasty. No need to drag it out, ghost him - you are old enough to know better.

You're 30 years old - pull up those big girl pants and just politely end it with him.

Then learn not to get yourself in that situation again. You should have just asked him to go to his own home, after dinner, which I'm sure he's gone back to late at night before.

chubbyhotchoc · 03/09/2020 07:09

'I'm sorry I don't feel a spark. Good luck' if there was anything other than acceptance I used to then block

livefornaps · 03/09/2020 07:29

Put the undies in the bin...along with him.

You can't trust him, he wants to shag without a condom, you don't. He can't take it seriously. He probably thinks he's a camomile tea away from moving in.

You're repulsed by pyjamas etc. because you don't trust him but you're too much of a people pleaser to see it for what it is, so you have to have this spiel about "piddling" etc. Deep down, you didn't want to have him to stay again.

Work on recognising how you ACTUALLY feel and what your real boundaries are and you won't get thrown by these things again.

But this time: you're uncomfortable so you owe him nothing. Never see him again.

reader12 · 03/09/2020 07:43

Just chuck his pants out & text him that it’s not working for you. You can’t find the right man when you’re this busy faffing about with the wrong ones. Stop wasting your time.

Original poster
Wtfareyou · 03/09/2020 07:44

Thank you all. I think that's why I posted. I barely slept/had nightmares half the night, then was wide awake early just lying there whilst he slept soundly. He even said it was one of the best sleeps he had ever had and was in no rush to even get up this morning, despite me being up and about for a while.

I felt really antsy and just couldn't wait for him to go. I just needed to vent/do something. Felt a bit nonsensical, irreverent at first. But since I first posted I've been able to reflect somewhat on where this might be coming from. I really really don't want to see him again, and like some said, I can post his underwear back if he really wants it.

He's always in touch every day, lots of emotional, pictures of his dinner or his run or whatever, which I always felt a bit bemused by, like it was a bit much for so early on. But also appreciated the consistency of communication and cheerful nature he had. He's also obsessively tidy, washes up everything immediately, things like toothpaste and moisturiser are laid out at right angles in the bathroom, in a particular size order. He even uses one of those things window cleaners do immediately after he uses the shower. Nothing wrong in principle perhaps but there was something about the nature of it all that put me off. We're just too different I guess. And yes, he didn't respect my wishes ultimately, and I should have been firmer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wtfareyou · 03/09/2020 07:45

Not emotional, emojis

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 03/09/2020 07:53

This isn't an attack on you, OP, but why do so many grown women who find that when they have a bad sexual experience with consent issues, and can't stand the guy at all...sincerely do not seem to know what to do? How have we been taught that there's something wrong with ending it?

Poppet1974 · 03/09/2020 08:00

Toothpaste and moisturiser at angles, In a certain size...... shades of Sleeping with the Enemy😳😳😳

BlueDream · 03/09/2020 08:01

Pyjamas

Piddle

Pictures of his dinner

Confused
Menomosso · 03/09/2020 08:10

Why would a man planning to have sex bring pyjamas? Would he get up and put them on afterwards? Ick!

IncandescentSilver · 03/09/2020 08:13

I can't believe he didn't have condoms in his own house. How irresponsible.

He's ultra keen because you're a lot younger than him.

SYT66 · 03/09/2020 08:17

Assume PJ’s are perfectly ok after 10 years of marriage? If not I’m about to get dumped!

OP. I think you are systematically assassinating his character on here, post by post. I don’t think that’s particularly fair. You ick maybe someone else’s perfection. If you aren’t feeling it then just end it. It’s not difficult and I’m not sure why you need confirmation that this is ok.

Mandalayblonde · 03/09/2020 08:22

Call me a boring old killjoy, but I actually don't think this is funny at all.

OP, have you thought about why you happily brought a man who had already proven he had no respect for your boundaries about safe sex back into your house and into your bed?

I don't think you should be encouraging us to laugh about his pyjamas and his piddle. I don't think they should be what changed your mindset about him. The fact he physically manipulated things so he could fuck you without a condom when you had put in writing that you didn't consent to that is very problematic to me. I think you know you should have stepped away from him after that and explained why.

It's really depressing that you find it so hard to communicate your rights to him - and are now coming up with all this convoluted "hilarity" to justify your rights to us rather than just setting clear boundaries for yourself.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 03/09/2020 08:24

OP there is nothing wrong with assassinating his character on here (which you aren’t even really doing) unless he knows your user name and you send him a link. This is an anonymous forum where you can feel free to post what you want. I completely get why it’s hard to dump him - a lot of women are brought up to be people pleasers. Just block and move on (I liked your writing style btw of your first post - I got that the drama was helping you to make sense of it all).

HollowTalk · 03/09/2020 08:33

@ShebaShimmyShake

This isn't an attack on you, OP, but why do so many grown women who find that when they have a bad sexual experience with consent issues, and can't stand the guy at all...sincerely do not seem to know what to do? How have we been taught that there's something wrong with ending it?
Exactly this. You should have kicked him out after that incident.
HollowTalk · 03/09/2020 08:35

What's so odd with this guy is that he acts like an aged aunt which lulls you into a false sense of security and then he has unprotected sex without consent. There must be a hell of a lot of cognitive dissonants going on in this relationship.

Somertime · 03/09/2020 08:43

The shark cage is really interesting stuff - very helpful.

OP let him know and hopefully he quickly gets the message. Pants can be thrown.

RatInADollhouse · 03/09/2020 08:44

OP you are fine with what you have said — so many people on MN read so much into every single word from an OP and don’t understand that it is possible to joke about a serious topic! In fact that’s exactly how many of us handle awkward situations. You do need to let him know it’s over, I think a text is fine but it’s really mean to just not be available. How MANY times have women posted on here about how things were going great with this guy, he’s been busy lately with so I haven’t seen him and he hasn’t been in touch much but he still likes me right? He’s got a lot on his plate with work, his uncle died, and he’s contracted Covid-19, so I should keep waiting, right??? You always wish the guy would just put her out of her misery.

Dozer · 03/09/2020 08:45

‘Nice guys’ don’t behave like he did, sexually.

TheHappyHerbivore · 03/09/2020 08:47

OP, you are a grown woman. There is no excuse for you not to simply say to him that you don’t want to take the relationship any further. Just have the conversation and be done with it.