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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To End Relationship Because Partner Blocks Me?

393 replies

Merriden · 02/09/2020 18:16

I’ll give as much information as I really need to know if I’m in the wrong.

I have 3 DC. 2 with ExH and one with current DP.

Relationship with DP is only ok as long as things are going his way.

If I ever disagree with him, he either:

a) Completely and utterly ignores me. By this I mean sit in the same room as me and ignores me.

b) If he isn’t home and we disagree (or as soon as he goes out) he blocks on his phone so I can’t communicate with him. Once this was problematic when our DS was hospitalised and I couldn’t get hold of him at all.

This blocking can and will go on for days at a time until I inevitably relent because the atmosphere at home gets vile.

Today, he is at work and has blocked all forms of communication because yet again I disagreed with him this morning over something to do with arrangements for DS’s childcare whilst I work. (DP is very vocal about where DS should be but rarely, if ever steps in to parent his own child)

AIBU to end this relationship as frankly seeing as we are both adults and his toddler strops make for a horrible atmosphere at home and I’m completely done with it. Plus I have DDS and I don’t want them thinking this is acceptable behaviour in relationships. ( Or for DS but he’s quite a bit younger to be honest.)

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 02/09/2020 21:11

I agree an emergency locksmith is a price worth paying.

Don't relent or let him gaslight you. Re-read this thread until you believe it!

You are being very brave to stand up to him and show your DD's this is not right!!!

Inaseagull · 02/09/2020 21:12

If he returns tonight. Does he regularly stay out all night? I think you need to be clever about kicking him out. You know him better than any of us. Its all very well people saying change the locks tonight and leave his stuff outside (he can sue you if it gets nicked by the way), but it's you that has to deal with him for years to come for the sake of your child. I 100% think he needs to go and ASAP. If he doesn't come home tonight, then he clearly has somewhere to go, so change the locks tomorrow and arrange for him to collect his stuff when you have someone with you. Or if you can orchestrate a scenario where he thinks its his idea to leave for a few days, then even better. He is going to be a jerk about this anyway, but only you know how likely he is going to react. If there is any danger at all of him being violent, then you might need additional help, so plan carefully. Good luck!

Freedomisachoice · 02/09/2020 21:15

Your story matches mine so closely. I did exactly what your doing but changed the locks before telling him. Don't be surprised if he turns very difficult when he realises what's happening because he will have lost control of you and he probably won't like it. I had to get the police out in the end in my situation. Stand firm though... I have never regretted my decision for a second, we've all been so much happier, and like you I owned the house and had just got a promotion at the time. It wash like a mighty weight had been lifted. But.. Try and get the lockSmith out tonight if you can.. Don't expect him to play nice!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2020 21:15

And watch the locksmith. Being able to change a barrel in a lock should be a skill we all have. For just such wankers. I might even wiki-how it with a locksmith's number in case I didn't manage it.

pallisers · 02/09/2020 21:18

He deserved to be thrown out when he blocked you and you couldn't contact him about your child's hospitalisation.

stand firm, OP. you are doing the right thing.

Sootikinstew · 02/09/2020 21:20

@BaconsLaw

GET THE LOCKS CHANGED NOW!!
Calm down dear.
JoanJosephJim · 02/09/2020 21:25

If you are changing the locks tonight or tomorrow morning it might be worth getting ABS locks.

www.abs-secure.co.uk/

It comes with 3 keys but is an expensive lock. If you ever need to copy the key you need a special code that comes with the lock on a plastic card. It means you can give a spare key to someone for a short while and know that they cannot ever copy it. Just a thought whilst you are changing them.

The behaviour exhibited by your partner is classed as one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse meaning the relationship is doomed. There are videos on YouTube about it. It is controlling and abusive.

BlueDream · 02/09/2020 21:27

Ah. So a cocklodger as well!

UggyPow · 02/09/2020 21:27

@Merriden - if you have a screwdriver it is relatively easy to change most locks yourself - just order the same type on screwfix (Or similar) & switch it over. It does depend on your type of lock but most are actually quite easy - you can take it apart to check what you need & put it back together, order to collect as soon as it opens Or could a friend collect for you?
Really sorry about your situation

Cornishclio · 02/09/2020 21:27

It is great that you are financially independent and the house is yours. You are definitely right to get rid of him. He sounds like a terrible parent to your DS and a pitiful excuse of a stepfather to your DDs not to mention a horrible partner for you. He provides no financial support to speak of, no practical help in looking after your DC and resents your success. Blocking you when you do not agree with him is childish and as you say means in an emergency you cannot get hold of him so he is really of no use to you whatsoever. Kick him out, change the locks and bag up his stuff. You can either leave it on the drive or just give it to him tomorrow when he hands back his keys. Are you scared he will be physically abusive?

Lifeisabeach09 · 02/09/2020 21:27

Dump the fucker! He is abusive. You don't need him. Get him out!

KitMarlowesCodpieceOfthigh · 02/09/2020 21:28

Emergency locksmith. It'll give you peace of mind against this total crevice of a DP.

Lifeisabeach09 · 02/09/2020 21:30

Just read your updates. He's a cocklodger, also!!
Agree with PP-change the locks.

RatanPostmaster · 02/09/2020 21:31

Good luck OP. Your partner will definitely not play nice.

Jessy2903 · 02/09/2020 21:35

GET RID!!!
He is doing that on purpose, mentally playing with you. Controlling the situation.
Don't waste your time anymore.

ulanbatorismynextstop · 02/09/2020 21:36

Oh my god, end it now!!!!!

HazelBite · 02/09/2020 21:37

I don't think you should "warn" him, say nothing and just change the locks, its his lookout if you cannot contact him by 'phone

HollowTalk · 02/09/2020 21:37

he has only ever contributed £140 a month to the household for the last four years anyway

That is really shocking. I'd have no hesitation in kicking him out tonight based on that - he can easily afford a hotel. The idea that you'd be begging for him to return in the future is just laughable.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 02/09/2020 21:40

Glad to see your updates - I spent a decade of my life with a man like this, wasted a good part of my teens and twenties trying to force him to love me and communicate like an adult. Plenty of therapy and a happy relationship later, I see that it was 100% coercive control. I know you’ve already decided to, but you’ve got my first ever LTB.

combatbarbie · 02/09/2020 21:41

He must have somewhere to go because you said if he comes back tonight kick his arse to the kerb!! He is not worth any of your energy.

billybagpuss · 02/09/2020 21:43

Is he likely to return tonight?

Definitely the right decision, get the locks changed with his £140

justasking111 · 02/09/2020 21:46

Glad you are getting rid of this parasite. Good luck.

justasking111 · 02/09/2020 21:47

What happens to these awful men when they are finally kicked to the kerb do they go onto do it to another woman or do they learn from their past behaviour??

ilikemethewayiam · 02/09/2020 21:51

You own your house, no mortgage, financially independent, no joint bank accounts and he only pays you £140 a month?

You hold all the cards here! Jeez if I was in your position when my ex turned abusive, he would have been out that night and locks changed.

What are you waiting for?

Cherrybalm · 02/09/2020 21:51

OP please please dont let this man worm his way back in. I have seen how easily they do it time and time again and then the worn down partner accepts it because it's easier at the time then following through with leaving/ending the relationship. he sounds as if he has no redeeming qualities. I cant find anything from your posts to suggest you will miss anything about him. he is nasty to you, has abused you in your own home and taken advantage. it may not have seemed that serious to you but what he is done makes my stomach turn to read and makes me very cross on your behalf. I am just so worried that you will not stick to it. seems crazy to be so invested in someone I dont know but my mum was in this relationship with my dad before she got the guts to leave him, makes my chest tight to remember her talking to him and him blanking her as if she was nothing. she wasnt nothing and neither are you - get away from him OP. you'll breathe easier - my mum went on to meet my step dad who is the most wonderful man. the more time spent with the wrong person, the less time spent with the right one Flowers