To End Relationship Because Partner Blocks Me?

[Merriden]

I’ll give as much information as I really need to know if I’m in the wrong.

I have 3 DC. 2 with ExH and one with current DP.

Relationship with DP is only ok as long as things are going his way.

If I ever disagree with him, he either:

a) Completely and utterly ignores me. By this I mean sit in the same room as me and ignores me.

b) If he isn’t home and we disagree (or as soon as he goes out) he blocks on his phone so I can’t communicate with him. Once this was problematic when our DS was hospitalised and I couldn’t get hold of him at all.

This blocking can and will go on for days at a time until I inevitably relent because the atmosphere at home gets vile.

Today, he is at work and has blocked all forms of communication because yet again I disagreed with him this morning over something to do with arrangements for DS’s childcare whilst I work. (DP is very vocal about where DS should be but rarely, if ever steps in to parent his own child)

AIBU to end this relationship as frankly seeing as we are both adults and his toddler strops make for a horrible atmosphere at home and I’m completely done with it. Plus I have DDS and I don’t want them thinking this is acceptable behaviour in relationships. ( Or for DS but he’s quite a bit younger to be honest.)

This behaviour is typical of a Narcissist. Google Narcissistic personality traits and see how many boxes he ticks. I can guarantee it’ll be nearly all of them.
Also, Narcissists (if that’s what he is, he certainly sounds it) don’t change. I would forget any chance of trying to make this work. Blocking you for expressing a differing opinion and making life unbearable until you conform to his way of thinking is emotional abuse FYI.

yes as someone else has said it is a particulary insiduous means of coercive control

You have just got a promotion for goodness.

A healthy partner who is caring and considerate would be arranging to cook your favour meal and a bottle of champers to celebrate your success.

You are not alone in not recognising the red flags, many of us don't.

Please google the Freedom Programme you can do this online.

A relationship like this eats away at your mental health. Believe me, I've been there.

Yes, change locks and don't give him keys.

He will try and worm his way back in when he realises his easy life is over. He won’t get a room in a shared house for £140. The cms he has to pay is likely to be over £140.

So expect him to come crawling back. Maybe write down why you want him gone now so you can reread if you have a moment of weakness.

Good luck, kick him out!

When you have ended the relationship (which you should do sooner rather than later!) and have a few minutes read "Why does he do that?" Not sure if this link works but you can google and download free of charge. It explains abusive behaviour and makes it easier to deal with it.
www.pdf-archive.com/2015/10/21/why-does-he-do-that/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Good luck OP

I do think that people on here shouting - CHANGE THE LOCKS RIGHT NOW, are looking for the drama to unfold in real time, and don’t want to have to wait days for an update. In real life it’s perfectly reasonable your give your (soon to be ex) partner a couple of days to pack their bags and say bye to the kids.

So long as you don’t think your resolve will weaken!

Thank you all so much for your support, comments and advice.

To answer a few questions:

No kind of joint finances - loans/credit cards/nothing at all

Yes, he does have a habit of staying out at least one night when he’s like this so clearly he has somewhere to stay. I just don’t know where.

No parents but possibly his brother or a friend. To be honest after the incident when our son was in hospital and nobody would tell me anything, I stopped chasing him.

I think he’s told everyone I’m crazy and for a while I hated that but I guess if his friends think I’m crazy, their opinions mean nothing as they think he’s a nice person - clearly they have poor judgement.

He and I both come from very deprived backgrounds. I have worked hard to make a better life for myself, he hasn’t and seems to resent me for my choices. He is always telling me that I think I am above my station and he absolutely loves trying to pull me down a peg or two.

He’ve never contributed significantly because he claims to be in a lot of debt. Plus I have never known him to work full-time or in a consistent job the entire time we’ve been together.

I’ve been miserable for a while but lockdown gave me some time to think and I’ve been seeing clearly for the first time in a long while.

The email has been sent. No reply as of yet.

I have spoken to my brother and he has kindly agreed to remove and store my now Ex-DP’s stuff until Sunday in his garage and will liaise with DP.

I have arranged a locksmith to come out before I go to work so it’s a very early start for me but hopefully a fresh new start.

I will also be arranging to see a solicitor to arrange contact with DS. I think DP may try to go for full custody, that’s always been his threat that he’d get full custody and I’d have to pay him maintenance.

Even just writing this down makes me realise how vile he is

Good luck and I hope you have listened to all the posters have to say. You are not alone, I too am living this life. Escape please. Let me have that frisson of hope. ,please don’t endure, There is no mercy or happy ending.

Well done OP! So pleased about the locksmith.

There’s no way he’ll get custody. I doubt he’ll even go for 50/50.

Just realised I sound bitchy about his friends. I didn’t mean to.

But he knew that what people thought of me really mattered and so I think he used that worry to his advantage. I’m trying to work my out of needing approval.

He won't get full "custody". Many abusive men threaten this to keep women cowed but there is no such thing.

Speak to a solicitor...they will have all heard all this shit before

Extremely abusive of him.
He runs off when you think he’s going to have the little one, there’s no way he’s going for 50/50. Joke!
£140 a month for 4 years? You will be far, far better without him.

I have just read through the thread.

your eyes have been opened.. you are on your way to a happier life.

I agree ducks in a row.. do not delete ant abusive messages. Do speak to a solicitor.

Block him on all your social media.. it gives you a snse of freedo, Take a look through friends , remove his friends , restrict mutual ones for now.

Blimey OP!!! What a gal!

Congratulations on your promotion and congratulations on your new life without that cocklodging waste of space!!

Stay strong, OP - you've taken the first difficult step

Well done OP, keep your head up and think of the incredible gift you've given your children.

Now they get to see a strong mother who put herself and her kids ahead of their feckless, emotionally abusive waste of space father. They will thank you sooner rather than later when they see you hold your head proudly.

You’re amazing OP- well done. What an absolute fucker. A massive controlling useless bully!
Wherever he is tonight, I hope he’s comfy, as he’ll be there a lot more from now on!!

Best of luck OP. You sound awesome by the way

I doubt he’ll go for full custody, mine always told me he would. He, like yours would arrange to have the dc’s then disappear when the time came. So I put them in nursery, somehow this was wrong and it was my fault he couldn’t commit to a day and I should choose a nursery that was flexible.

Anyway they sound very similar, he didn’t bother going down that route. They often just like to use it as a means of control

I've been with someone like that and it's bloody awful. It wears away your self confidence and you walk on eggshells to try to avoid the next 'episode'. Being stonewalled is soul destroying. You are amazing, congratulations on your promotion, it sounds like you are providing a stable life for your kids and will be better off without him. Don't let him back into your head!

Well done OP!

Very good decision to get rid, and to go about it the way you are. Stuff into storage, locks changed, that’s the end of that.

Yes he will try to worm his way in, and then probably make threats about full “custody” (residence) but please be strong. You deserve so much better than this shitty “relationship”.

And looking from an outsiders POV - who is the stupid, thick one? You have a great job and have just been promoted! Despite him dragging you down and making it hard for you to work. You own a house! What does he do so great?

I always feel so proud of the OP on threads like this. I don’t mean it in a condescending way, but after being ground down to have a glimmer of clarity and to act fast when they realise they’re being abused.

I’m so glad they can get free.

Well done, lovely, well done!

When the dust has settled a little, get yourself onto The Freedom Programme, it'll really help you; reset your boundaries, recognise abusers quickly, hear others' stories, have a laugh.

Christ OP, this man has been bleeding you dry for 4 years?! £140 a month, he must be laughing all the way to the bank, and he still cannot treat you respectfully, what a creep.

Good on you for seeing this for the abusive relationship that it is. Stay strong and know this.. you and your kids deserve so much better

Wow, I’m kind of in awe of you. You have your head well screwed on! Well done on your promotion too - just remember that your work obviously values you if you ever have any feelings of doubt!

You are awesome op. Stay strong. There is a better life for you and your children on the other side of this.