To expect a thank you/acknowledgement for a card

[Crustacean7]

On two occasions when I've sent cards to different friends, they've never even acknowledged it or said thank you. AIBU to find this really rude?

The first card I sent to a friend overseas to congratulate her on her engagement and was worried it had got lost in the post. I waited a few months to ask if she'd received it, as didn't want want to pester her. She replied to my message saying it had been received and thanks. Same thing happened with another friend where I sent a card to congratulate her on her new house. No acknowledgement so followed up on it after a few months.

Isn't it polite to acknowledge the effort I've gone to? Anyone else found the same?

I always acknowledge if someone has sent me or mine card. If they've gone to the effort of buying one & sending it then I can say thank you.

@arethereanyleftatall I had never thought it might be rude to ask if it's been received. It's an interesting point, so I'm definitely reflecting on that.

Glory be, no I wouldn't thank someone for a standard congratulations card (think engagment/wedding/birthday/new home), and actually in my circle of friends and family I can only think of one person who does do this - and she is a card obsessive who makes huge, complicated cards and send them for every possible occasion! IF someone sent me an unexpected card (so, a special thank you card for something I'd done, or a thinking of you card when I was going through something tricky) then I might, but otherwise thanks is for gifts/hospitality only in this house ...

I think it’s bad manners to expect a response to be honest. As if the act of sending a card puts a certain amount of pressure on the recipient to act in a certain way. A card is a gesture in itself, not dependent on a response. If someone chased me for a response I would think them very rude! And I’m the sort of person who expects children to write thank you letters for presents.

I would try to acknowledge a card by text or in an email as there is some effort involved in choosing and sending a card by post. On the other hand, I wouldn’t fret over not receiving thanks for a card (although I do get annoyed when presents I have sent aren’t acknowledged).

I would not expect a thanks for a birthday card to a friend/family member in the same country. However mailing abroad is more effort and can take longer. When I send birthday cards to family abroad they tend to mention it arrived and thank me. If not when I message them to say happy birthday o the day I would ask if they'd received their card. If I sent something with cash or a voucher then I would definitely expect a thank you.

If someone sent me a card by post I would definitely send a quick text saying thankyou, mostly so they know I've got it. Surely it's the same as saying thanks when handed it in person.

It's not old fashioned to expect thanks for a card - as pp said, in ye olden times that would have involved writing back.

I never send thanks for an ordinary card (birthday, anniversary, engagement etc) because the card is a gesture acknowledging an event. Obv I send thanks for a present or money.

I live abroad and sometimes people send me cards with letters, but they get acknowledged when I write a letter back, so that's a different thing.

I've gone full circle with communications. I was a 90s teen so hours and hours on the house phone with friends and boyfriends. Then when smartphones came in, like everyone I became intolerant of calls and preferred texts. Now I find texts really annoying and prefer to have a nice long, infrequent chat with friends on the phone or in person, rather than ongoing, mundane text conversations. I also have two or three people to whom I write proper letters or emails a few times a year. I always send Christmas cards too.

Texts for me now are for admin purposes only (and I find calls more annoying than texts when it comes to arrangements).

Oh, and I definitely agree that texts to 'just check' if you got something nearly always come across as passive aggressive digs - unless you have some tangible reason to think things genuinely might get lost in the post (reasonably rare nowadays, I'd say?) - I DO have a couple of family members who do that if they don't get a thank you letter/acknowledgement by return of post and I absolutely hate it as it always puts me in the position of apologising for a thank you note that is planned but not sent as promptly as 'required' by the sender.... Defo bad manners to point out someone else's bad manners imo.

@Crustacean7

Wow, I'm really surprised by these responses. I always just thought it was good manners to send a message to say it's been received and thanks. Maybe I'm the weird one then!

But in the olden days there was no way to send a quick thank you. It would have involved a letter or card. And hence the correspondence loop!

Maybe they should send you a card, thanking you for your card. Then, of course, you would have to send them a card thanking them for theirs, so they then send you ..............................

I never send thank yous for Christmas Cards unless I've accidentally forgotten to send them one. My DC's generation said they thought cards would fade away as they all just do birthday messages on social media now.

But for birthdays etc, I'm surprised people wouldn't send a thank you facebook message or text. I think of it as a way of keeping in touch, just saying hello back is enough and it is lovely to get birthday cards.

I would take a picture of the card and say "aww thank you so much" as that person has gone out of her way to write and send me a card.

Manners have always been super important to me, and, as you point out, I think that was a product of my upbringing. I'm mid 30's so perhaps I'm just a bit old fashioned for my age!

Personally, I wouldn't consider it particularly bad manners not to acknowledge receipt of a card. I've never liked cards and I don't solicit them, so why should I thank someone for sending them to me? I can assure you I had a perfectly respectable upbringing

On the other hand, I find you chasing people up because you were "worried" your cards got "lost in the post" really quite rude, because what it implies is quite the opposite and you're simply chasing someone to pin down their thanks to you, which is massively disingenuous. How do you even have time to be thinking about these things months down the line?

Blimey!

Individually thanking people for sending a card! Wow heard it all now!

Must spend ages at birthdays and Christmas!!

One of the strangest things I've read on here.

So before mobiles and texting, you would ring every single person who sent you a Christmas card and would expect everyone you'd sent a Christmas card to, to ring you too.

My god you must have been a week on the phone!

So what's happened when someone sends you a card that you've already sent a card too. Who used to phone who?

This is mind blowing stuff for me! Love it!

think it’s bad manners to expect a response to be honest. As if the act of sending a card puts a certain amount of pressure on the recipient to act in a certain way. A card is a gesture in itself, not dependent on a response. If someone chased me for a response I would think them very rude! And I’m the sort of person who expects children to write thank you letters for presents.

This! If someone messaged me asking if I'd received their card because they hadn't heard from me, I'd think they were very rude and passive aggressive! Just so weird!

It's like you need a big huge thank you, you need to be gratified for being so amazing sending a card. Honesty I just can't believe this thread!!

It's amazing how different we all are!

YABU to expect a thank you or even an acknowledgement for a card. You decided to send the card. If there wasn't anything in the card why do you go to the post office to have to send it? Why can't you simply put more stamps on the envelope and pop it into your nearest mailbox? Just because you do go to the post office to send it, why should someone at the other end automatically know that and think "Oh I must thank @Crustacean7 for going to that extra effort to send me a card?" - the answer is they wouldn't know that and you shouldn't expect them to either.

@GreyShadow It's not that I need gratification, but as other posters have pointed out, you're left wondering if they ever received it. Especially if it's something you've posted abroad.

I wouldn't expect it even though I agree it's nice especially if you've specifically made the effort to choose and send something. I'm sure I've often not thanked someone though, especially if it's an occasion when I may receive several cards (birthday, Christmas etc.). And if someone has just bought a new house, I can see why they would be too busy to send thank you messages.

If I get a card, I usually mention it to the person the next time I speak to them and say thanks for the card by the way, it was lovely.

Don’t be rediculous op
Are you sending the card because you mean what’s written in it ,or because you want thanks?

But if it's a card with no money or present, it's hardly a big deal if it doesn't arrive, so why waste time wondering.

If you want to make sure the recipient gets your message then text, WhatsApp, Facebook them and wish them all the best and tell them their card is in the post.

@rottiemum88

Manners have always been super important to me, and, as you point out, I think that was a product of my upbringing. I'm mid 30's so perhaps I'm just a bit old fashioned for my age!

Personally, I wouldn't consider it particularly bad manners not to acknowledge receipt of a card. I've never liked cards and I don't solicit them, so why should I thank someone for sending them to me? I can assure you I had a perfectly respectable upbringing

On the other hand, I find you chasing people up because you were "worried" your cards got "lost in the post" really quite rude, because what it implies is quite the opposite and you're simply chasing someone to pin down their thanks to you, which is massively disingenuous. How do you even have time to be thinking about these things months down the line?

I wasn’t sure why I voted yabu but rottiemum has perfectly articulated it- I wouldn’t know if someone thanked me for a card or not because once I’ve sent it, it has served its purpose and I’ve already forgotten it. I don’t even mind if someone doesn’t acknowledge a gift as generally they acknowledge them in person the next time I see them.

@Longinesprime no I wouldn’t point out their rudeness, I just wouldn’t make the effort to send cards anymore

OP - do you have shares in Clintons or something?

Imagine it - you send a card to wish someone a happy birthday. They send you a card back to say thank you for your card. This then obliges you to thank them for their thank you card - with another card! And on it goes...

This is how society will eventually crumble.

[quote Crustacean7]@GreyShadow It's not that I need gratification, but as other posters have pointed out, you're left wondering if they ever received it. Especially if it's something you've posted abroad.[/quote]
But why are you wondering if the received it? Has your post regularly got lost in the past? Is it a very valuable card? Have you only congratulated them in card form and not when you spoke to them (and so worry that they will think you rude for not congratulating them)?

I’m just not understanding why you are so concerned about that aspect of card sending / receipt.