To expect a thank you/acknowledgement for a card

[Crustacean7]

On two occasions when I've sent cards to different friends, they've never even acknowledged it or said thank you. AIBU to find this really rude?

The first card I sent to a friend overseas to congratulate her on her engagement and was worried it had got lost in the post. I waited a few months to ask if she'd received it, as didn't want want to pester her. She replied to my message saying it had been received and thanks. Same thing happened with another friend where I sent a card to congratulate her on her new house. No acknowledgement so followed up on it after a few months.

Isn't it polite to acknowledge the effort I've gone to? Anyone else found the same?

Yes, you should definitely expect thanks.

Then you should thank them for the thanks.

Then they ought to send you a postcard to say how much they appreciated it.

After that it's right to reciprocate with a quick email.

And then someone brains you with Debretts.

I sent cards and give gifts because I want to and want them to enjoy them the way they see fit without obligation, I don't send them to receive gratitude.

A thank you message for a gift, but not a card.

I often text to say thanks for the card, but I don't expect others to if I send them one.

I certainly wouldn't follow it up because if they did receive it, it's likely to make them feel bad - like they've committed a faux pas by not acknowledging it.

We've all had judgey aunts who do this kind of thing and think they're 'upholding standards', etc, but really they come across as dicks for pointing out other people's perceived inadequacies.

I wish people would! I sent birthday and Christmas cards to the wrong address for one person for three years, so I'm a bit paranoid about that.

She'd just assumed I'd stopped sending them, and the people living there didn't let me know.

(And before anybody says I'm obviously not a good friend if I don't know where she lives, she only moved about a mile so her argument was that she'd still pick me up from the same station when I visited!)

This seems like one of those situations where what is ‘manners’ and ‘normal’ is totally different based on your family and social group.

And if you’re talking about cards to overseas, remember that almost no where in the world are cards as big a deal as they are in the UK, with so much expectation (and resentment/upset!) about when a card is expected, who must send it, etc. It took me years after moving here to get used to it and tbh I still don’t always get it right - I have some in laws who get a bit edgy if cards don’t acknowledge the relationship properly...

It’s Really not the norm to acknowledge cards. I don’t know anyone who does, and I don’t.

I think you want the acknowledgment because you want to think it meant more to them than just a card, and you want them to acknowledge the effort you went to and to make you feel good about yourself for doing so. I don’t think this is about manners more as you said you want them to acknowledge your “effort”.

Remember as well that not everyone gets free texts! For something like an engagement card where an individual might expect to get a number of cards, it will cost them money and time to individually thank everyone which will probably take the shine of getting the cards in the first place.

I send a card so that the recipient knows I’m thinking of them. I don’t do it so they’ll be obligated to me or think of me. When someone sends me a card I’ll mention it when I next speak to them, but won’t send a specific message of thanks. And I’m known for being very polite and doing the right thing! Gifts are different, and I will always thank for them, specifically and speedily.

In the context of a conversation I was having with the sender, yes, but I wouldn't send a text purely to acknowledge a card.

I'm with you on this, OP. I think it's only good manners to acknowledge a card but clearly lots of people don't agree! Keep on being polite- it gets you a long way in life I think!

Thank you @booklover164 This thread has been a real eye-opener!

I usually send a message thanking people for cards. I definitely do when there is money or voucher inside. I don't do so at Christmas though. I get why you are annoyed. I sent 2 wedding cards with money to 2 different cousins and they haven't been acknowledged and I consider it so very very rude.

Actually, they and a few other cousins didn't even acknowledge my wedding invitation so perhaps I'm the problem...they're still rude though.

I’m quite amused by all the people who are claiming they do this because it’s how they were raised/they were properly brought up/variation of.

Thirty years ago you wouldn’t have been dropping a text to say thank you for a card, and you certainly wouldn’t have been calling someone overseas to acknowledge the card unless you had deep pockets (especially if it was more than one card!). A lot of people would have thought twice about even a long-distance call within the same country.

If you send a card, you should do that without expecting something in return.

Why do you need a pat on your back?

You send a card to make someone else happy. Or whatever the reason. Not to expect an "o thank you so much for caring/thinking of me" response.

Stop being so narcissistic.

@shayisgreat That's really rude. Always much trickier when it's family too....

Who has the time for this!

It would be nice to get an acknowledgement for a card but I wouldn't expect it and would never dream of following up on it weeks/months later! I'd only expect a thank you for a gift or money.

I'm with you OP. Sending a card involves thinking about that person, acknowledging that they are facing something that is i.pirtsnt in their lives and looking for a card that represents them and what they like.

So yes it certainly suggest a thank you. It's do depressing how self centred have become and think it's ok to take but don't see any need for acknowledgement.

Thank God I've raised my kids to be considerate and most my friends and d'amies would consider it rude not to tank a person for sending a card.b

OP, I think it's polite to acknowledge a card, but to ask if they received a card when they haven't acknowledged it is rude.

It's like pointing out someone else's poor table manners - nothing they can have been doing is as rude as shaming them for their lack of manners.

If you really really try, OP, I think you can get through this.

I’m considerably older than you and I’m not sure where this idea has come from? Good manners and traditional expectations around giving acknowledgement and thanks for a card or gift would surely be a long established “normal”. How can sending a text be considered an expectation or traditional in any way?
There was life before mobile phones, there was life before everyone even had a house phone ( in my lifetime) so not in the least bit traditional or possible to be able to thank by text or even telephone call. The only way to thank would have been another letter or meeting in person. If I have taken the thought and time to send a card a text I would not expect thanks and if I did expect thanks it would certainly not be by text.
I think the fact that you think a text is the way to go is an indication that you are not older than your years.

Yes for a present, never for a card. YABU.

Are you my Nan?

Oops rogue “a text“ after card