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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To empty the effing cupboards when I go?

182 replies

PaperDreamsHoney · 01/09/2020 21:59

OK, long story short, STBXH is an abusive wanknugget who is refusing to separate even though he knows I don't want to be married to him anymore. He's refusing to leave our (rented) house and says the kids and I will have to go instead, despite the upheaval and having to risk interrupting an ongoing medical assessment by leaving the area (I can't afford our current area alone).

My question is, WIBU to empty the kitchen cupboards when I go? I'm not a prepper exactly but I do keep my cupboards well enough stocked that if we couldn't go shopping for a week or two we'd muddle through alright. It's his salary that's paid for the food but my planning that's actually stocked it up. He wouldn't know what to do with half of it anyway.

YABU - leave it/half of it
YANBU - take the bloody lot.

OP posts:
IAmFleshIAmBone · 02/09/2020 11:47

Also, sew prawns into the back of the curtains Grin

LittleOwl153 · 02/09/2020 11:51

Be very sure to remove your name from all joint accounts and bills at the house when you leave nd keep a good eye on accounts etc in the mean time you don't want him emptying accounts taking out loans etc.

But yes do not feel guilty about emptying the cupboards. After all you are taking three quarters (at least?) of the household so you need at least 3/4 of the items in the household kitty!

combatbarbie · 02/09/2020 11:52

@DopamineHits if he's not self employed they go direct to HMRC, calculate and send letter of instruction. The only delays now are paternity and bank details but after a short window they just go direct to employer. Mine was sorted within a month.

greengreengrass14 · 02/09/2020 11:56

Please take care of yourself. He is an abusive partner and leaving can be the most dangerous time. Yours and your kids safety is paramount. You can always buy new food, but you can't buy your health.

greengreengrass14 · 02/09/2020 11:56

oh and good luck. You are one brave woman

TatianaBis · 02/09/2020 12:01

Have you contacted the ncdv to get an emergency occupation order rather than through a law firm?

justilou1 · 02/09/2020 12:03

Tbh, I am just nasty enough to leave anything he didn’t like, or was likely to cause botulism. What a fucker.

CaMePlaitPas · 02/09/2020 12:07

Yep I would take everything and leave an empty carton of UHT milk in the fridge.

CaMePlaitPas · 02/09/2020 12:08

But stay safe all the same. Good luck!

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 02/09/2020 12:12

why is your assumption that "you are going on to UC" not "I will be finding work to support myself and the kids?

My understanding is that people can work and claim UC/WTC support when their employment doesn't pay enough to cover their costs.

timeforawine · 02/09/2020 12:13

Take every damn thing OP

KatherineJaneway · 02/09/2020 12:15

Would he 'make you pay' for it though further down the line?

Supermarketworker06 · 02/09/2020 12:19

@PaperDreamsHoney

Tin opener! Yes, I shall leave him the crappy one that does not work. 😊

Last week I bought all the DCs' school uniform, shoes, winter coats etc on the joint account. Because he wouldn't separate, it was therefore joint money.

Once you've left, take your name off the joint account. If it goes into overdraft, your'e both jointly and severally liable for the debt, never mind who ran up the overdraft.
BlackeyedSusan · 02/09/2020 12:19

you need to be "reasonable"... so leaving all his stuff, his ugly passed on by mil stuff. (like the old tin opener) not being vindictive. but yes spend what you can from the joint account on the kids.

I built up a set of clothes, presents, practical stuff before we separated on the basis he could probably take the money but I would not be forced to give away the children's clothes.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/09/2020 12:20

"My understanding is that people can work and claim UC/WTC support when their employment doesn't pay enough to cover their costs."

Fair enough, not the vibe I got from the post & op hasnt clarified.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/09/2020 12:21

@HarrisonFived

I've been thinking about the things you can't take, ie. the things that are his. Does he have a console?

Obviously you can't take his controller or anything that's rightfully his. But you can hide it Grin

Can you think of places in the house that you could hide certain objects? That way nobody can say you stole them.

Just a funny thought!

I had a similar thought.

Remote controls behind the boiler, cufflinks in a suit inside pocket. that sort of thing.

HarrisonFived · 02/09/2020 12:21

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland surely if OP is fully capable of work then UC would be short lived anyway, right? They'd crack the whip until she gets a job. OP doesn't make the final decision to stay on UC, it won't be an easy ride, so I don't think it's worth anybody questioning it when they don't know the full circumstances.

Crispsginchoc · 02/09/2020 12:23

If you aren’t taking your old Christmas tree/decorations then buy them now using the joint account. Also buy the kids some Christmas presents to store away and make sure you buy yourself something special as you sound like you’ve been through a lot.
Good luck Xx

Ultimatecougar · 02/09/2020 12:26

Stop it with the prawns in the curtains advice. The curtains and poles probably belong to the landlord. Any damage to the landlords property and OP is as liable as the ex.

Ariela · 02/09/2020 12:26

Regarding the joint account.

Make sure you let the bank know that you are leaving the relationship and that (once you've taken out your share/all the cash) that the the account is frozen so he cannot run up joint debt in your name in that account.

My friend had this, kept paying in her share of the mortgage after she left while the house was being sold, her ex took the money out as soon as she paid in and also got an overdraft and she ended up several thousand in debt and an unpaid mortgage - had to come out of her share of the house equity.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/09/2020 12:27

I'm a bit baffled. why is your assumption that "you are going on to UC" not "I will be finding work to support myself and the kids?

Presumably OP will need a bit of breathing space to get sorted and find herself a job.

And, if you hadn't noticed, redundancies are being announced right left and centre at the moment - there may not be a job to get in her area.

FancyARoot · 02/09/2020 12:28

Fuses from the plugs 😂😂

Good luck OP 👍

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/09/2020 12:29

@Crispsginchoc

If you aren’t taking your old Christmas tree/decorations then buy them now using the joint account. Also buy the kids some Christmas presents to store away and make sure you buy yourself something special as you sound like you’ve been through a lot. Good luck Xx
Good idea - as are the suggestions to get next size clothing/ new clothing for you all before halving the joint account

(Though strictly speaking, if it's a joint account, I'm pretty sure you can take the lot and he can't do anything about it.)

HarrisonFived · 02/09/2020 12:30

@SchadenfreudePersonified behind the boiler, I like it Grin

BunnyLovesBananas · 02/09/2020 12:30

I read your first post the way OP did @walfordwatcher

Can't decide if YABU or not OP

If he paid for the stuff I kind of think YABU but they are both your kids so take it