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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To empty the effing cupboards when I go?

182 replies

PaperDreamsHoney · 01/09/2020 21:59

OK, long story short, STBXH is an abusive wanknugget who is refusing to separate even though he knows I don't want to be married to him anymore. He's refusing to leave our (rented) house and says the kids and I will have to go instead, despite the upheaval and having to risk interrupting an ongoing medical assessment by leaving the area (I can't afford our current area alone).

My question is, WIBU to empty the kitchen cupboards when I go? I'm not a prepper exactly but I do keep my cupboards well enough stocked that if we couldn't go shopping for a week or two we'd muddle through alright. It's his salary that's paid for the food but my planning that's actually stocked it up. He wouldn't know what to do with half of it anyway.

YABU - leave it/half of it
YANBU - take the bloody lot.

OP posts:
gabster33 · 02/09/2020 00:01

If you are on the tenancy - then make sure you surrender it / give notice for you. It will probably start the notice for him also - and technically end his tenancy as well - however hon don't want to be liable for him not paying the rent at any point.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 02/09/2020 00:02

my DB's ex left him one fork, one knife, one teaspoon and one tea Plate.
Took every other thing. Everything. Left these three things nicely laid out on the worktop.

Best of luck, OP. Glad you are getting out and here's to a much happier future.

FlamedToACrisp · 02/09/2020 00:14

I used to wonder why my exes were all on good terms with me, yet so many couples seem to declare World War III when they separate. Now I know why!

The jokes about prawns in the curtain rods - very funny, but don't do this, OP. You're better than that. Take your fair share, and your children's stuff, and anything you know he'll have no use for, but don't be vindictive. Be reasonable.

CharlieTangoBanana · 02/09/2020 00:16

If you decide to leave the bedroom curtains, I have a friend who hid a few frozen prawns in the hem of the curtains in her exbf's bedroom. They won't start to smell for a few days and if he accuses you of anything you can claim that you always throw the windows wide open every day, dust with lavender and burn essential oils to neutralise the putrid smell from his underwear.

Neveranynamesleft · 02/09/2020 00:18

Empty the place

Nat6999 · 02/09/2020 00:28

Bugger taking the batteries of the TV remote, take the TV & the remote, leave the batteries in it's place. I wouldn't leave him a single cornflake.

Nat6999 · 02/09/2020 00:30

My brother's ex left him a teaspoon & a bed, no bedding. That was an amicable divorce.

Nat6999 · 02/09/2020 00:30

My brother's ex left him a teaspoon & a bed, no bedding. That was an amicable divorce.

PickAChew · 02/09/2020 00:30

@CorrectileDysfunction

Take the batteries out the remote, OP.
Better still, take the remote. Or at least hide it.
1WildTeaParty · 02/09/2020 00:32

Do take the corkscrew!

Solomon would suggest that if there is any dispute over an item, you should divide it exactly in half. (Half TV remote anyone? Everyone has disputes over that.)

Gingerkittykat · 02/09/2020 00:44

Make sure you tell CMS you are leaving an abusive relationship, they have rules which will mean you never have to communicate with him to get payments. They try to encourage parents to sort it out between themselves but in your case that will cause you hassle and distress you don't need.

Take everything you can, bedding, towels, toiletries and empty any joint bank accounts if you have them.

ispepsiokay · 02/09/2020 00:46

Take everything, including the ugly shite the MIL gave you and donate anything you don't need to the charity shop

titnomatani · 02/09/2020 00:47

Sew some prawns into the hem
Of the curtains.

HarrisonFived · 02/09/2020 01:47

@FlamedToACrisp

I used to wonder why my exes were all on good terms with me, yet so many couples seem to declare World War III when they separate. Now I know why!

The jokes about prawns in the curtain rods - very funny, but don't do this, OP. You're better than that. Take your fair share, and your children's stuff, and anything you know he'll have no use for, but don't be vindictive. Be reasonable.

Why on earth would you want to be on friendly terms with somebody that kicked you and your children out of their family home? You'd have to really put it on to pretend that you don't hate them after that. Why would you surrender your dignity by acting like what they did to you was all by the by?

I don't think I could be on friendly terms with somebody so malicious, especially somebody who would watch their own children suffer. And that's coming from somebody who is currently on friendly terms with an ex.

LunaMuffinTop · 02/09/2020 01:57

Take the fucking lot and leave the bastard with nothing and make sure you get money out of the worthless prick for your kids.

Elsewyre · 02/09/2020 04:26

@PaperDreamsHoney

Sorry, should've added - he's a higher rate taxpayer and I'll be going onto UC.
Oh in that case definitely do it.

The cleaner will appreciate not having to

ulanbatorismynextstop · 02/09/2020 05:43

Take the bloody lot!!!

Happynow001 · 02/09/2020 05:44

Don't forget to get your mail redirected.

www.royalmail.com/personal/receiving-mail/redirection

Also: claim your 25% single occupier discount from your local council. You can do that online.

Do you WFH at the moment (requested by your company)? If so there's an allowance you can claim. Not much but every bit helps.
www.gov.uk/tax-relief-for-employees/working-at-home

If you've not found a solicitor yet and don't have good recommendations from friends/family check The Law Society website for a good family law solicitor. Talk to a few before committing.
solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

If not already done contact all the utility companies you use (take copies/photos of of the bills so you have the account/contact details in case needed later) and get them to take your name off the bills for your current address.

If you have financial/shopping accounts in your name change all he passwords/pin codes so he can't access them.

Good luck OP. 🌹

BullshitVivienne · 02/09/2020 05:49

@Happynow001

Don't forget to get your mail redirected.

www.royalmail.com/personal/receiving-mail/redirection

Also: claim your 25% single occupier discount from your local council. You can do that online.

Do you WFH at the moment (requested by your company)? If so there's an allowance you can claim. Not much but every bit helps.
www.gov.uk/tax-relief-for-employees/working-at-home

If you've not found a solicitor yet and don't have good recommendations from friends/family check The Law Society website for a good family law solicitor. Talk to a few before committing.
solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

If not already done contact all the utility companies you use (take copies/photos of of the bills so you have the account/contact details in case needed later) and get them to take your name off the bills for your current address.

If you have financial/shopping accounts in your name change all he passwords/pin codes so he can't access them.

Good luck OP. 🌹

Great post, much more helpful than 50 repeated posts about leaving fish in the house and taking the remote.

Good luck OP.

Soundbyte · 02/09/2020 06:32

I'd take every crumb out the cupboards, every bog roll, lightbulb, washing powder, the lot... I'd leave him with only the fixtures

My abusive ex made me leave with a toddler and a baby after I told him I wasn’t putting up with him anymore. We were given emergency accommodation and I did the above..

I also took the batteries out of the remote control, fuses out of the fridge and freezer plug, the mouse for his P.C. and his PlayStation controller so what was left there was useless for him. I know how petty it sounds but after years of his shit and knowing I had years of struggle to come, those little acts of defiance really were a highlight in a fucking awful time! Take what you can OP, to hell with him.

ColdCottage · 02/09/2020 06:33

Don't forget the tv too and the laptop. You will need those when alone and trying too sort the house with two children

ReallySpicyCurry · 02/09/2020 07:14

Hope you get your flat today OP. Of course you should take food and anything else you need for your new home. No point putting yourself and your children at a disadvantage because you're worried about being too nice to this abusive man who has made his own children homeless

Original poster
PaperDreamsHoney · 02/09/2020 07:20

@Happynow001 thanks, that's really helpful.

He reckons he's not forcing the children out of their home, I'm the one who wants to leave and is taking them with me. Basically, because I want to split, it's my fault.

OP posts:
Estrellente · 02/09/2020 07:27

Buy some cheap dog and cat food- meat and fish flavours.
Make a individual shepherds and fish pie. Freeze in old containers. Make sure you label them and backdate them a couple of months.
Leave in freezer.

Best of luck OP. If you lived near me I’d come and help you move.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/09/2020 08:37

@PaperDreamsHoney

Tin opener! Yes, I shall leave him the crappy one that does not work. 😊

Last week I bought all the DCs' school uniform, shoes, winter coats etc on the joint account. Because he wouldn't separate, it was therefore joint money.

WHAT!

Get that money spent or moved.

He'll be salting funds away all over.