To empty the effing cupboards when I go?

[PaperDreamsHoney]

OK, long story short, STBXH is an abusive wanknugget who is refusing to separate even though he knows I don't want to be married to him anymore. He's refusing to leave our (rented) house and says the kids and I will have to go instead, despite the upheaval and having to risk interrupting an ongoing medical assessment by leaving the area (I can't afford our current area alone).

My question is, WIBU to empty the kitchen cupboards when I go? I'm not a prepper exactly but I do keep my cupboards well enough stocked that if we couldn't go shopping for a week or two we'd muddle through alright. It's his salary that's paid for the food but my planning that's actually stocked it up. He wouldn't know what to do with half of it anyway.

YABU - leave it/half of it
YANBU - take the bloody lot.

@FlamedToACrisp 100% agreed. You're in rented accommodation so if there are any issues with smell/damaged property belonging to the landlord/lady, you'll be liable for the cleaning. Whilst these comments are amusing, don't do anything you'll regret later.

Freecycle is a good site for anything you may need down the line. It seems you know what your plan of action is for the coming weeks, wish you all the best.

What you've only bought the kids school uniforms on the joint account. Get yourself spending woman! Winter boots for you and the kids and good winter jackets, especially for you. Us women always forget about ourselves!

How much is in the joint account?
Payday has just happened, I'd be taking cash out and using for food.
Please go CSA for money for children, or he will not pay to punish you, and you will still have to go the same route.

I did take everything in the cupboards when I left my ex. It was his house, we weren't married and I'd bought all the contents anyway. I took everything I could, apart from furniture and his personal possessions. I'd pretty much bought it all anyway. I even took the salt and pepper pots, they were mine.

I don't regret it.

Agree you need to buy essentials for yourself and your DC now. Next size up shoes , trainers, coats and school uniform for your kids too. Get supermarket vouchers/stickers and stamps each time you do a shop too.

Take the main TV, especially if you have two, they’re expensive to replace.

Hide his toothbrush in the toilet cistern.

Don’t forget to clean the toilet with his torch brush before you go.

*tooth brush dammit.

Leave him a single teabag and the makings of a (prepper style?) meal, and enough loo roll for 1 (maybe 2) visits - but otherwise take everything.

(Leaving the single meal and stuff he might need getting home after work before needing to go to the shops means you still have some moral high ground - you can look everyone in the eye and say that you categorically did not leave him with nothing!)

Yep, I'd be emptying everything I could lay my hands on and no, I wouldn't be feeling guilty about it either.....

If you have a hollow curtain pole put the fish inside and replace the finial loosely.

I've been thinking about the things you can't take, ie. the things that are his. Does he have a console?

Obviously you can't take his controller or anything that's rightfully his. But you can hide it

Can you think of places in the house that you could hide certain objects? That way nobody can say you stole them.

Just a funny thought!

@BullshitVivienne OP said very early on "New flat should be sorted tomorrow, meeting with kids' school, legal aid application, endless medical stuff to transfer to a new GP, contacting Women's Aid... All done."

She asked about what to take, and she's clearly hurting and anxious, so I think that's why people are throwing in funny punishment ideas and not trying to give her stale advice.

From the joint account, buy clothes and cosmetics for yourself and your children, think winter stuff and also for next summer. Get stand alone oil heaters to be delivered to your new flat to make sure you're all cosy in winter.

Buy gift vouchers for every shop you use a lot, grocery shops but also shops like boots, superdrug, whatever your favourite salon is etc.

Get haircuts and styles done for you all, if you get your hair coloured, get it done now and paid out of joint account.

Transfer half of whatever is left in the joint account to your own personal account.

Make sure you freeze all joint accounts when you leave, so he cannot run up debts under your joint names, otherwise you will be liable for any debt he incurs. This includes not only bank accounts, but credit cards too.

Cancel any direct debits for bills for your old house that are under your name only. you don't want to be paying bills for a house you do not live in.

Definitely take everything including tea towels, the more you take the less you will need to pay for to set up your new home and you can have a bit of respite after you move.

Ignore all the bollocks about prawns in curtain poles and pouring things behind the bed 🙄 it’s a rented property, why would you do that to someone else’s house?

And when you’re uprooting your entire life and moving you and your kids into emergency accommodation you’re going to spend a few hours making pet food pies? What a load of shite.

@PaperDreamsHoney good luck. Be strong, be resilient, be dignified. As painful as it is and as much of a wanker he is being be able to look back and know you did the right thing for you and your kids. And that means emptying the house if everything you and the children will need. The financial mismatch means your need is greater.

Well done OP for leaving, despite being worse off financially, it's an incredibly brave thing to do IMO. Take the lot and don't look back.

I'm a bit baffled. why is your assumption that "you are going on to UC" not "I will be finding work to support myself and the kids?

You sort of lost me at that, despite the wanker stbxh.

I imagine because the children are young and at least one is requiring ongoing medical assessment

I've got two young children and "medical assessment" can cover all sorts if mild things (DD has a heart condition) that dont preclude work?

Ps someone referred to spousal maintenance - was that a joke? It's almost never granted any more as women of child bearing age have had plenty of opportunity for education and access to the workplace.

My mum helped me move out of the former marital home under similar circumstances. Unbeknownst to me, she emptied every last cupboard, took every loo roll and every single tool out of the shed, including massive power tools that I have never, ever used. She tried to put them all in her car but I spotted her struggling with a circular saw and made her put 95% of it back.

I get that it's awful. I've been there, and the word awful doesn't even come close. But you don't need to sink to that level. The moral highground is a great place from which to spectate.

On the positive side, everything which you eventually buy to replace the marital stuff (you will, eventually) will be yours, with no links to the past.

Take what you need but don't be nasty about it, even though your every thought will be of hate and revenge (told you I'd been there!)

@GabsAlot

take it all every single thing even the salt

fuck him

No, don’t take the salt. Take the sugar and leave the salt in the sugar jar.

DO IT. Take everything!